20 Questions with High Pitch Mike

1. If Artie actually does the PSA [as proposed by George Takei, Artie is set to film a PSA in which he'll promise to give $100 to charity every time he uses the word “fag”] sometime soon, what do you think his year-end total will be?
What is it, $100 per use of the word? I'd estimate between $80K-$100K.

2. How many of your family members went to North Texas University?
Just one. But one is enough to be offended by [Howard's] ridiculous comments.

3. Would you do the Siobhan stunt again?
[Long pause] Definitely.

Why?
I was hoping you would ask that. Not so much for the TV, but to keep others from winning the TV.

4. What are your plans for the TV? Will you ever take it out of the box?
I haven't reached out to anyone yet, but I'm hoping the Smithsonian will interested in taking it. It's a piece of radio history, like Marconi's first broadcast. If not the Smithsonian, maybe the Howard Stern Museum will take it.

You've said before that you might use it when you get a new place.
[Ralph Howard laughs in the background] Forget that. Who needs a big screen TV? I'm not gonna use it. It makes a better piece of furniture in the box.

5. When Howard retires, what's your plan?
Probably go back to selling Chiclets on the street. I haven't given it a lot of thought, actually. Chiclets are my first choice.

6. Walk me around the newsroom.
You got a great anchor, Ralph Howard, a legend from 1010WINS, and three weirdos; a yenta, a mental case, and a comedian. It's a mish-mash of freaks.

You forgot Steve Langford.
Oh no, Steve is the mental patient.

7. You interned with Benjy.
Yeah, Spring of '98. Right after Jackie walked off and K.C. was brought on.

Has he changed since his intern days?
Benjy is still like he was back then. He was constantly pitching ideas and was very persuasive and motivated. I think that's what helped him get into the studio. He's the only intern to earn an in-studio seat. Grillo was here for years and never made it there. But yeah, it was a great opportunity to intern with Benjy and I'm glad he's still here.

Did you ever hang with him?
No. Benjy had a weird situation back then. He was living in a rented office space and infrequently showered, which is now Richard Christy's role on the show. I don't remember hanging out with him except for at one of Howard's birthday parties.

Interns were invited to one of Howard's birthday parties?
All of them. It was a big to-do in a ballroom with fans and everything. It wasn't a personal thing. It was a big fan event.

8. Have you ever had any personal interaction with Howard?
A couple times. He came to my twin daughters' christening and my high school graduation.

He scouted you.
It was very special. He responded to a fan letter.

[laughs]
No, the only interaction we have is on the air. I rarely see him in the hallways. I gather from what we have on the air that we have a decent, friendly relationship. He likes me, I like him.

9. Shuli's always pushing you to do stand-up.
I think you're wrong about that, but Shuli's a great audience for me. I crack a lot of jokes. Some of them are hit-or-miss. Shuli's a big fan of mine and I'm a big fan of his.

10. Who else on the staff is your friend?
We have no friends. On the Stern show, we're all enemies. Except me and Artie. He puts on his tough guy act, and I put on this weak, you know, pansy character, but we hang out a lot. He'll probably get upset with me for talking about this, but there's a lot times when he comes up to the Bronx or I go out to Hoboken, and we'll, you know, watch a game, have a beer.

Snuggle?
No, let's not be stupid. We never snuggle. But don't put this on the website. He'll be upset that I told you.

11. What's the difference between Artie and Heath Ledger?
That's simple. Heath Ledger had talent.

[laughs]
And Heath Ledger didn't hide his gay feelings.

12. A lot of the humor on the show makes light of your physical appearance. Does it ever hurt?
No, you grow a thick skin pretty quickly.

13. You live in the Bronx. Are you ever afraid of the racial comments you make on-air coming back to hurt you?
No, I'd venture to guess that 99.995% of Bronx residents don't listen to the show. It's mainly a Hispanic population – not that Howard doesn't have Hispanic fans. I don't know. There's probably a few Bronx listeners.

14. Are you ever recognized in the street?
Occasionally. Like right after the Siobhan stunt or my fights with Artie. Unfortunately, you get recognized for things you'd rather not be recognized for. This weekend, I was buying a movie at a Borders downtown, and the cashier recognized me. He asked if the Artie thing was real. I told him that initially we were just busting each other's balls, but now it's pretty much real.

15. Do you ever doubt the sincerity of the staff's social invitations?
I think when I'm invited places it's because they're inviting me, not High Pitch Mike the-guy-on-the-show. High Pitch Mike on the show is the lonely, creepy, cross-eyed freak. The invites I get here are genuine. For instance, I didn't get invited to Jason's bachelor party. When I pointed it out to him, he said, 'No no no no. Come along. Come along,' which was clearly a pity invitation. I think if I'm invited somewhere it's because they want me to be there.

16. When was the last time you had sex?
The last time was years ago, I can't even begin to...I don't know.

Just set the scene. Candles?
Define sex.

Vaginal.
I was born in 1977. The last time I saw a vagina was 1977.

17. Would you ever hook up with a porn star like JD?
Can it be Nick Manning?

How about Kimberly Kane or Sasha Grey?
I want proof that she's disease free and I want it filmed. HowardTV is welcome to join us.

You mean they can film the act itself or just the lead-in?
I want the whole thing filmed. I'll use it as my audition reel for my future porn career.

C'mon. For real.
Do you think Ron Jeremy is good-looking? If that man can be the King of Porn, there's hope for me.

18. What do you think about JD's feud with Jared Fox?
JD is a prick. He claims Jared is arrogant, but JD is a hundred times more arrogant than Jared. Why? I don't know. I can't figure it out. I've been out socially with both of them. Even though Jared is the [type of] kid I hated in high school, he's much more down-to-earth and friendly than JD could ever be. JD is a nerdy loser like me, but he's also cocky, which is a weird combination.

19. Do you have plans to go anywhere by yourself soon?
Tonight I'm heading straight home to watch “American Idol.”

You don't watch with your roommate?
No. I lock my door and take the phone off the hook. No one is allowed to bother me.

How about a vacation or concert?
American Idol Tour. Every summer. Sanjaya got me into it. Now I'm in for years to come.

Do you buy the seat next to you so people don't know you're alone?
No. I want people to know I'm alone. It's easier to get backstage that way.

Backstage? Do you wear a revealing top?
A tank top. With sequins.

20. You're the expert. Who is this year's Sanjaya?
There will never be another Sanjaya, but I'm hoping Howard will endorse the flagrantly flamboyant Danny Noriega.