Howard 100 & 101

Thursday, January 15, 2009
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Fred started off the show telling Howard about the Hofner Bass Paul McCartney gave him yesterday, explaining that it wasn't authentic - it had been "distressed" by the manufacturer (and was right-handed instead of left-handed). Fred said it wasn't worthless, as distressed replicas are now "big business" in the guitar industry and Paul had personalized it (by signing it, "To Howard, Paul McCartney"). Howard noted that he always checks the prices of gifts he's been given, so he went on Ebay yesterday and found the same guitar available for $14,500. Howard then opened Robin's birthday gift: "Wow. There's three bottles of wine in each box." Howard read the accompanying note, which explained that the wines were hand selected by Robin. Robin said the wines in each box were all the same, so Howard could drink one now and store the others and try them years later so he could taste how they'd aged.


Howard told the crew that the terms of Artie's random drug test quickly spun out of control: if he failed, he was going to have to forfeit a month's salary and fork out the cash for a month-long in-patient rehab. Artie added that he'd also have to give up $200,000 in stand-up gigs while he was away, but Robin just shushed him mid-sentence. Artie angrily snapped at Robin and said he would never take the test - and Howard promised him he wouldn't be asked to. Artie joked: "Good. I can throw out that urine I bought."


Howard welcomed three ladies to the studio to play "Dumb as a Rock," a trivia game in which the prizes were plugs and the punishment was having to say "I'm as dumb as a rock." The first contestant, Cara, had been on NBC's "Momma's Boy" and was had also visited the Stern Show before, as Andy Dick's "girlfriend." Howard asked Cara about dating Andy, so she claimed that they were just friends – though Andy told people otherwise - and they never had sex. The second contestant, Meghan Allen, was also from "Momma's Boy" and laughed that, like Cara, she'd been rejected on the show by a handsome bachelor's mom. Meghan said she'd also been a contestant on "Fear Factor" with her fiancée, but she had to leave him after he got another girl pregnant (just a month before their wedding). Cara added that she was currently dating a player on the New Jersey Nets, and yes, he is African-American, but Cara claimed her parents had no problem with that...her grandparents were a different story though.


The third contestant, porn star Britney Stevens, claimed to have starred in over 200 porn films (including “Face F’ng 3” and “Sluttier and Sluttier”) and cited a double anal scene as the most difficult to film: "I like what I do and I like getting penetrated." Britney added that her little sister was also a porn star - and they once got it on: "We were a little drunk and having an orgy and our friends wanted to see us eat each other out." No big deal...


Howard then started in with the questions: What did Barrack Obama do for a living before becoming President? Cara got it right: "Senator!" What country is Israel currently fighting? Meghan confessed she didn't know the answer: "I'm as dumb as a rock?" Britney didn't know either: "I don't know. I was gonna say the Germans...I'm as dumb as a rock." Cara also failed to answer correctly. Spell Illinois. Meghan got it right! What is the symbol for the Roman numeral ten? Britney had no idea: "A one and a 'V'?...I'm as dumb as a rock." Cara also failed: "I'm as dumb as a rock." What is a carnivore? Meghan: "A big truck?...I'm as dumb as a rock." Britney also dropped the ball. Who is the former leader of Iraq? Cara knew the answer: "Saddam Hussein." Meghan also knew the next answer, so it came down to a sudden death round: How much would 8 gallons of gasoline cost? Cara knew it was $10. What does HD stand for? Meghan knew: "High definition television." Who was the Republican Presidential nominee? Cara failed to answer correctly ("I'm as dumb as a rock.") so Meghan went for the steal ("McCain.") - and won


Eric the Midget called in to apologize for canceling his "American Idol" commentary show last night due to technical difficulties. Robin was confused, as the show always has technical difficulties, but Eric ignored her comment and promised that the show would return next Tuesday. Howard asked if Eric had anything he wanted to say about last night's show that he didn't get the chance to say last night, but Eric said no. Should be great next week!


Robert Schimmel stopped by to promote his new Showtime comedy special and presented Artie with some cupcakes. Artie noted that the cupcakes were from one of Crumbs' competitors (the famous Magnolia Bakery) and, though they were delicious, not his brand: "Crumbs is amazing." Robin also took Robert to task for being too thin, leading Robert to throw his hands up: "Every time I come on the show, something always has to be wrong."


Howard played a clip of Sarah Silverman complaining that Bob's daughter, Jessica, wrote an article for a gossip magazine about Sarah's break-up with Jimmy Kimmel: "I think it's scumbaggy." Robert said his email inbox exploded after Sarah's told the story on-air, so he called his daughter and asked her what was up: "She said, 'Dad, I don't tell you what to do' I said, 'There are other people to talk about than comedians.'" Robert had a complaint of his own: his ex-wife keeps coming back at him for more child support money: "It's never over...child support is never finalized." Bob then told a story of how his ex-wife’s boyfriend once told him to man up and pay more alimony because they were having a hard time getting by on what he was currently paying “them.” Howard asked how Robert's second wife was doing, so Bob reported that she just turned 30 and had stayed faithful so far: "I don't know...I don't think [she's cheated] is weird when you come home from the road and she tells you, 'Nothing physical happened.'"


Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items - three (allegedly) true, one false - and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week's stories: 1. Salma Hayek's kid knocked over some fancy perfume bottles at a department store. 2. Pete Wentz baby-talked a kid while it was breastfeeding. 3. Kiefer Sutherland's buddies got him a steamy lapdance from a transvestite for his birthday. 4. Arnold Schwarzenegger refuses to let Maria Shriver buy expensive (or full price) clothing because of the recession. Howard, Robin and Fred thought Kiefer Sutherland would be able to tell a man from a woman before accepting a lapdance and Artie picked the Governator story, as it seemed like an excuse for Mike to roll out a bad Ah-nold impression. After the votes were in, Mike announced that he'd fooled everyone for the second week in a row: the Pete Wentz story was false.


This day in Howard History
Monday, April 27, 2009

Stewie on the Stern Show

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane appeared on the show for the first time on this day in 2009. While on the air he did some of his classic Family Guy voices for superfan Richard Christy.... More
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