Howard is taping an episode of the Late Show with David Letterman tonight, but it won’t air until Friday. It turns out that Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence, who was supposed to tape her episode yesterday, had a conflict and is taping hers for air tonight and pushing Howard to Friday.
Now that his time has been changed from 4:30 to 6:30 to 3:00 to 3:30, Howard is left wondering why he’s doing this. He doesn’t love going on talk shows, even though he’s a great guest.
But Howard likes Dave a lot, and is thankful that Dave will join the Birthday Bash, so Howard is keeping his word, but he’s not happy about it.
A distressed Mariann from Brooklyn called up, desperate to know what time Howard will be arriving so she can travel via bus and train to stand outside in the freezing cold with her signs.
No matter what time of day it is, it’s nice to have fans.
* Sarah was shocked that her age was the thing she was goofed on for at the Comedy Central Roast of James Franco. Seth Rogen did a joke about Sarah being on Maxim’s Hot 100 and the punch line was “… in 2007!” She wasn’t even the oldest person on the dais, so it all confused her, but she pretty much rolled with the punches.
* Sarah dated late night host Jimmy Kimmel for six years, and just appeared on his show for the first time in a while. After her recent appearance, Jimmy sent her an email with the subject “Great Job Tonight” and the body of the email was a series of photos of Sarah famously smelling Stern Show writer Richard Christy’s balls. Sarah can’t believe she did that, but she was genuinely curious about their scent. She still marvels at how small Richard’s penis, admitting that Jimmy’s is way bigger.
* As for their relationship now, as Jimmy put it, they’re “like brothers.” Sarah really likes Jimmy’s wife and she and Jimmy still email each other regularly. Sarah also can’t believe how handsome Jimmy is now. He went from looking like a regular guy to looking like a celebrity. “His hair looks like hair!”
Jimmy Kimmel - the ex
* Sarah recently had a sitcom pilot dropped from NBC’s lineup and she was glad. She’s not suited to network life – it’s a lot of jumping through hoops – and she even admits that the pilot wasn’t very good. There’s good stuff after the first seven minutes, but she’s not thrilled with it.
* Sarah loves TV, and would like to find the formula for a three camera sitcom that would work for her, but in the meantime, she makes most of her money from stand up. She’s not as rich as you’d think, but she keeps her overhead cost low. “I have the highest poor to famous ratio - non scandal.”
* Howard asked Sarah about a controversial joke in her act where Sarah announces that a survey was conducted by the University of North Carolina and they found that 9/11 widows were good at hand jobs. Sarah thought the idea was just absurd and funny and it’s a completely fake survey.
* Sarah also has a rape joke in her new special, and Howard asked if women ever approach and say she can’t joke about it because she hasn’t been raped. While Sarah hasn’t been raped, she has been sort-of violated.
It was during a sex scene in a movie – she wouldn’t say which one – and she was naked and the guy had a thin sock over his c*ck and it was hard and he was essentially punching her vagina with it. She said she was walking funny for days afterwards and was traumatized by the experience .
Regular caller King of All Blacks, who requested Sarah's "end of day" panties
* Sarah hasn’t heard from Michelle Williams since they filmed their nude shower scene for the movie ‘Take This Waltz'; but she did confirm that Michelle is not the man who violated her.
* Sarah played an awesome clip of a recorded message to Howard from none other than “Bill Maher” (really Sarah’s boyfriend Kyle Dunnigan) where “Bill” told Howard that people who adopt pets and discard them are not cowards.
* At the end of the interview King of All Blacks called up and asked Sarah to send him her ‘end of day panties.’ Sarah said she’d be happy too – if it weren’t for the wrapping and putting stamps on it part of the process.
* Sarah was trying to write a Robin Song Parody to Katy Perry’s Roar, but couldn’t think of one. If you’re reading this, please write one and send it in.
Sal was ‘regressed’ by a hypnotist yesterday and found himself reliving his past lives, the earliest of which was as a big pregnant turtle trying to bury her eggs and hide from pterodactyls.
Howard told Sal that it was probably just a dream-like state, but Sal had his own ideas. He is still sure that he has lived life as a turtle. He knows that he isn’t a turtle now, but he definitely has turtle in his history.
"AS A COMPLIMENT TO YOU...YOU WERE A REALLY GOOD TURTLE"
Howard played clips of Gary and Sal talking about his memories on the Wrap Up show, including the time Sal thought he could stay over at Howard’s apartment and watch Survivor in Howard’s bed. Sal said he understands that that isn’t going to happen, but thinks that if he were to explain it the right way, it wouldn’t sound crazy.
Howard pointed out that having the guy who jerked off to his aunt in the bathroom – and sniffed a friends daughter’s underwear – is never staying at his house, ever.
Howard’s final thought was that Gary and Sal talking about Sal’s regression should be an absurdist Broadway play. He loved that Gary told Sal - as a compliment - that he was a "really good turtle". Line of the week.
Thanks to the legendary “Music the way YOU want it” drop, Howard got to reminiscing about the time Scott the Engineer convinced the Stern Show crew to pitch in to purchase equipment so he could live out his life’s calling – being a fun party DJ.
Scott had started DJing kids’ parties for a company that was giving him $50 per appearance. He was so bad with children and music that some kids actually physically attacked the sad sack and knocked him down.
Eventually, Howard and Robin wondered why Scott didn’t just strike out on his own, so they got together and gave him $2,500 so he could buy everything he needed. Scott took his new equipment and hit the circuit as Passaic’s answer to Spinderella.
He started a company called “Rock-it Entertainment” and became the second most famous bald DJ in the world (next to Moby). He even recorded an amazing outgoing message for his DJ service, when too many calls poured in for him to handle.
His special secret to get the crowd to the dance floor was his Club Med anthem “Hands Up” routine where his patented move was to say “Hands up” while raising his hands up.
It wasn’t all glamor and excess, though. Scott once left his entire $500 night’s pay on the roof of his car and drove off.
After almost twenty years, he hung up his headphones and retired as a party DJ, coming out of seclusion only to DJ at the hot Vegas club Pure and for the occasional Block Party or Howard TV event.