Howard 100 & 101

Wednesday's Show
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
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WHAT’S EATING CHELSEA HANDLER? THE E! NETWORK, A-ROD, PARIS HILTON AND HER FATHER

WHAT’S EATING CHELSEA HANDLER? THE E! NETWORK, A-ROD, PARIS HILTON AND HER FATHER

Comedienne and late night host Chelsea Handler stopped by this morning to promote her new book and tour ‘Uganda Be Kidding Me’ and opened up about all the things that bother her.

And there are a lot of them!

Here are the highlights of Chelsea’s talk with Howard:


WHAT CHELSEA DOESN’T LIKE:

The E! Network - Most surprisingly, Chelsea did not shy away from shitting all over her own network, E!

She called it ‘a sad, sad place to live,’ and admitted that her contract is coming up for renewal, and she may look for new home.  When she got to E!, she felt it was a much funnier and cooler network, but , Chelsea say, it’s gone way downhill.

'They don't know what they're doing [at E!]. They have no ideas. It's a failure.'

She’s not thrilled with the idea of going to a major network either, because there are so many people to answer to and so many rules.  She cited the ideal situation as something like Netflix where people can watch her show whenever they want.

A-Rod - New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was another target for Chelsea’s criticism. She is not a fan of him and he believes she is just being snarky and funny. So, Chelsea made it clear – in no uncertain terms – this morning that she really does not like him. He has a statue of himself as a centaur in his bedroom, which Chelsea pointed to as proof that he’s a douche.

‘I'm not flirting [with him]. I really think he's a pile of shit,’ Chelsea said, hammering hoome her point.

Paris Hilton – ‘She is so dumb I can't even look at her.’

Her Own Father – Even Mr. Handler, Chelsea’s dad, got hit hard with Chelsea’s blast of complaints. He’s in an old-age home on her dime and first he wouldn’t stop sexually harassing the nurses – specifically the black nurses.

He’d grab their breasts and asses, be forced to leave the home, and Chelsea would have to pay everybody off. So they got him into an all-male nursing home, except most of the male nurses were. Mr. Handler would berate them and throw around the ‘F’ word, so that didn’t work out either. Chelsea had to find a white, all-male, straight, assisted living facility. ‘It's like shopping for a KKK member.’

Her iPhone – Even something as fantastic as an iPhone gets under Chelsea’s skin. She hates technology, so her staff has to help her use it, and it’d making her feel bad about her co-dependent life.

She opened her fridge one day and there were clear Tupperware containers filled with different kinds of fruit, and they were all labeled – explaining what each fruit was. ‘At some point, two people had a conversation and said I don't think she knows what grapes are anymore.’

Censorship - Howard had heard that Comcast told Chelsea not to make any jokes about the Today Show or Matt Lauer on her show. Chelsea sais that was untrue, but she was recently asked to edit out a joke she made about Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars. The joke was that Ryan Seacrest is straight, but 'If you're a straight man covering the Oscars you need to get a d*ck in your ass.'


10-01-12---chelsea-handler-2


WHAT CHELSEA DOESN’T CARE ABOUT:

Marriage – Chelsea is content to have a few different irons in the fire and not commit to one guy. Chelsea admitted that she doesn't know how to be a girl. 'I have to travel the world to get penetrated.' She picks up dudes all over, and you can read about all about it any one of her many books.

Angelina Jolie – Chelsea used to goof on Angelina, but she tried to tone it down once she became friends with Jennifer Aniston. She didn’t want the press to think she was somehow speaking for Jennifer. ‘I don't give a shit about Angelina Jolie,’ she said.

Though she did Tweet a joke about Angelina trying to adopt Lupita Nyong’o and the comment was labeled racist. Howard, Robin and Chelsea all found the racism allegations ridiculous. ‘It was pretty clearly a joke.’

Madonna – Chelsea went to Madonna’s Oscars party and really couldn’t care less about the pop icon. She slammed vodkas and danced until 5:30 in the morning with the likes of Mary McCormack and Orlando Bloom. ‘I don’t care about meeting Madonna, do you?’ Actually, Howard would probably like to meet Madonna.


WHAT CHELSEA LIKES:

Her friends – Like Gwyneth Paltrow, Whitney Cummings, Jennifer Aniston, Mary McCormack, Sandra Bullock, and others, She admitted to becoming friends with 20% of the people who come on her show.

Partying – Chelsea has realized that she needs to have fun and get wasted in order to stay sane. She can’t do as many drugs now that she’s 39, but she’ll still drink - like the above-mentioned Madonna party where she stayed out until 5:30AM and had to be on the air at 2PM - or taking two Quaaludes at a party at Jane Fonda’s house. Chelsea likes to party.

Her boobs – Chelsea is proud of her boobs and is not shy about showing them off. She recently went topless around her friends when she was wimming and said she’d even do it if Howard were around. Mary McCormack told her that she ought to consider a breast-reduction, but once she saw Chelsea topless, she said her boobs were awesome and took it all back.

Check out Chelsea's book 'Uganda Be Kidding Me' and catch her when she swings by your city on the accompanying stand-up tour.

JILLIAN BARBERIE’S VERY BAD YEAR AND NEW START

JILLIAN BARBERIE’S VERY BAD YEAR AND NEW START

Super-hot super fan Jillian Barberie called in this morning to talk to her hero, Howard, about losing her job and her marriage at the same time.

Howard predicted the divorce on Jillian’s last appearance and she admitted that she was devastated, but it was as easy as a divorce can be. They’re amicable and didn’t take any money from each other. Jillian doesn’t even ask her ex-husband for child-support, but they might start splitting costs once he ‘gets on his feet.’ Howard pointed to Jillian’s bread-winner status as the cause of the break-up, but she claimed there were other factors as well. For now, they’re getting along well and Jillian is happy about that.

What Howard didn’t see coming was Jillian being fired from her job as the weather girl on Good Day LA after twenty years.  Jillian, however, did see this one on the horizon. The show’s longtime producer was laid-off and a new guy was brought in to helm Good Day LA. The guy went on a tour and saw Jillian’s famous Howard Stern Show shrine. The following Monday, when Jillian showed up for work, her shrine was boxed up. There was a new regime.

To be fair, Jillian wasn’t actually fired, her contract came up for renewal and they offered her a new position as a field reporter who could do ‘whatever’ she wanted outside of the studio. Jillian didn’t like the idea and she declined to re-sign.

So to sum up, she’s been sexless for a year (though she’s masturbated), she was incredibly excited to be covering the red carpet of the Howard Stern Birthday Bash (especially interviewing Tan Mom next to Katie Couric), and she’s doing her best to soldier on.

She’s now working on an afternoon radio show in LA (called, appropriately, Mid-Day LA) and, though she loves it, it’s exhausting her and her voice. Somehow, she managed to gain even more respect for what Howard and Robin do.

Hopefully our biggest fan and one-woman publicity department will find big success on the radio.

THE SLOW DEATH (AND SLOW SERVICE) OF RADIOSHACK

THE SLOW DEATH (AND SLOW SERVICE) OF RADIOSHACK

Howard read an article about RadioShack shuttering 1,100 stores and was sort of surprised that RadioShack even still had that many stores.

With so many things against it – online shopping, stores with better selections of phones and computers – it’s a wonder they’re still in business at all.

But one thing that stood out above everything else to Howard as an indicator that it is a poorly-run company is it’s terrible customer service.

Everyone seemed to have a bad RadioShack tale to tell, Gary was miffed that every time he goes in there for a cheap cord, he’s besieged with demands for his address, his email, his zip code. Howard could relate and ranted about how it took ten minutes to check out and purchase a $3 cord.

Howard went on a long rant abouta recent stop in another store where he waited and waited on line to check out and people were asking for photos and askingh im to finance their projects. Howard finally got up to the register and the cashier asked him 'Who do you look like?' Howard reponded 'Brad Pitt.'

The only staff member who loved RadioShack was Scott ‘the Engineer’ Salem, who practically wrote a poem to the dying electronics chain in the back office. He talked about the agony of waiting for the new RadioShack catalog to arrive and delighted in describing the wares they still carry.

Of course, when Howard called him in, Scott clammed up and denied that he was all that into the Shack.

Scott Salem: always desperate to appear cool.

 

 

HOWARD GETS BACK IN THE SADDLE

HOWARD GETS BACK IN THE SADDLE

Howard used to make a lot of phony phone calls as a kid. (He famously called up his pharmacist while pretending to be a girl and asked if he had any ‘scumbags’). But Sal and Richard do most of the phony phone-calling these days.

Yesterday, however, Howard was inspired and decided to head into the studio with the boys and try to call up sex shops as everyone’s favorite parents: Ben and Ray Stern.

The premise was that Ben was trying to get Ray to expand her sexual horizons and she was totally naïve about it.

He made about ten calls and was shocked that every sex-shop worker he spoke to had to go because they ‘had a customer.’ ‘They wouldn’t even help an old lady.’

Maybe sex shops are crazy busy at one in the afternoon, who knows.

BENJY THE MOVIE STAR

BENJY THE MOVIE STAR

Benjy is taping his break-out role in Sharknado 2 (Sharknado Takes Manhattan) this afternoon.

Benjy assumed that he would playing a suave Wall Street Tycoon, but it looks like he’s been cast out of type as a homeless guy. At least, we’re hopeful he’s playing a homeless guy because his call sheet told him to report to the Honey Wagon, which is slang for bathroom.

Is it possible they hired Benjy to clean up after the other actors? Maybe.

Anyway, Howard had Benjy demonstrate some ridiculous screams to iron out exactly how he’ll tackle the role of ‘Random Homeless Man/Woman’ and he screamed his chubby little heart out.

Stay tuned for Sharknado news on Monday.

This day in Howard History
Tuesday, November 28, 2000

BEET ON THE BIG SCREEN

On this date in 2000, everyone’s favorite Wack Packers, Lester “Beetlejuice” Green, became a movie star. He stepped on set to film the major motion picture “Bubble Boy” which starred Jake Gyllenhaal, but it would be Beet’s nuanced portrayal of Lil’ Zip that would steal the movie...... More
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