BEST OF THE WEEK JAN 30 – FEB 3
The Howard Stern Show for February 3, 2012

LITTLE STEVEN DOESN’T MIND BEING #2
“Little” Steven Van Zandt stopped by to promote his new Netflix series, “Lilyhammer,” and discuss his role as The E Street Band’s #2 in command: “I don’t like the spotlight that much.” Steve said he, Bruce and the rest of the band are more than comfortable together--even when playing the world’s biggest stages, like the Super Bowl: “It just felt like another gig when you get into it.”

Steve said Bruce had the songwriting bug from the age of 16: “He was very prolific right from the beginning...I didn’t think to write a song for another couple of years.” Their partnership has served him well: “Bruce is very generous, actually, and I’ve done very well with the ‘Sopranos’...[and] you and I are the only ones with two channels here, actually.” Not like he had any other choice: “I was too small for sports, didn’t want to go to college, didn’t want to do anything. Just wanted to play rock n’ roll.”

STEVEN ON HIS OWN
Steve said he’d learned a lot from his work outside the E Street Band both as a laborer (“I worked construction--road construction--for two years.”) and solo artist: “After five albums, I learned what I wanted to learn. I learned who’s running the world.” Even when the band wasn’t together, he and Bruce were pals: “We kept being friends. We would talk all those years...we been best friends for 40 [years].”

Asked how the band planned to fill the void left by the late Clarence Clemons, Steve shook his head: “I don’t know. We just started rehearsals [for their upcoming tour] this weekend...obviously you can’t replace him. You know. You know that.” Howard wished he could be a fly on the wall as the band planned their upcoming tour: “I would love to be at a meeting. I love meetings.” Steve admitted that the hardest work was diplomacy: “Don’t break up the band to go do solo things. I think that’s good advice for kids.”

NO E STREET IN THE HALL OF FAME?!
Gary asked why Bruce had been inducted into the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame without the E Street Band. Steve felt the answer had to do with an annoying technicality: “This is not my favorite subject, Gary...Clarence Clemons should be in the Hall of Fame. Max Weinberg should be in the Hall of Fame. These guys are the greatest...[but] I guess there was some technical reason why it couldn’t happen.” Howard wondered if Bruce should’ve just not accepted, but Steve refused to go that far: “You gotta talk to him. I think he deserved to be in as a solo artist, ok?”

SEND PEPSI OR THE MIDGET WILL SUE
Howard said he’d heard from Mary McCormack, his “Private Parts” movie wife and star of “In Plain Sight,” after Eric the Midget filmed his scene on her show, and she reported “no evidence” of Eric’s infamously demanding behavior. To counter her testimony, Howard read her an email Eric sent to producers after he returned home.

In the email, Eric complained that he hadn’t been provided with--as stipulated in his contract--two 20-ounce bottles of Pepsi every day he was on set: “If this was Johnny Depp, he would have had the Pepsi-Cola. I am owed four 20-ounce bottles of Pepsi Cola...a deal is a deal.” As Howard read on, Eric called in to say he was considering legal action: “No reason to get the lawyers involved!!!” Howard thought the little guy was shooting himself in the (clubbed) foot: “Eric, please tell me that this is a bit.”
THE PEPSI CLAUSE & EGT
Eric repeated that his threats weren’t a bit--and directed Howard to his contract: “I have a Pepsi clause in there.” Shuli came in to laugh that Eric’s days on set were hardly difficult: “This guy had his own trailer, Howard. At one point they brought Tia Carrera to his trailer to say hello to him.” Johnny Fratto, Eric’s manager, said Eric hoped for better treatment at an upcoming “Eric’s Got Talent” appearance at the Viper Room: “Eric will be judging strippers.”

HOWIE MANDEL PREPARES TO BE RUINED
Howie Mandel stopped by to discuss the upcoming season of AGT and told Howard he appreciated his efforts to maintain a primetime-worthy wardrobe: “I love the detail you’re putting into it. Because I [put] no thought.” Howard replied that he expected the same of Howie--and demanded no on-set pranks: “It’s a work relationship.” Howie said it would be hard to resist, but he understood: “I know what you mean. You don’t want anybody to bother you.” Howard nodded, promising that he’d respond to any pranks with scorched earth tactics: “I will rub your hands in shit and cover your body with it. Because I know you’re a germaphobe. I will ruin you.”

Howard said he also expected less hijinks on camera (“I want to find real talent.”), but Howie took exception: “I do too...[but] it’s so much more than a singing and dancing competition.” Howie said he’d even promote a magician, despite his hatred of magic, if the magician can sell his act: “I am a fan of performance.” Howie cited the Blue Man Group as an example, so Howard planned to battle any residual Tiny Tim effect: “I”m going to say to you, ‘Hey, Howie, put up your own money and bankroll this act.’”

IT’S HANDS, NOT VAGINA
Before he left, Howie said he was taping a new show, “Mobbed,” that wholly conflicted with his OCD: “Not good. I’m doing this show which makes it hard for me.” So Ham Hands Bill called in ask if OCD interfered with Howie’s ability to pleasure his wife: “Are you still able to kiss the private parts?” Howie laughed: “Yes! Why would I lie? I don’t mind that. It’s shaking hands. It’s hands...I love the audience. I just don’t want to touch them.”

Ronnie the Limo Driver came in to answer for this tweet, first apologizing for his hoarse voice: “It’s from all that travelling, man. I’m alright.” Howard said it wasn’t enough that he had to listen to clips of Ronnie acting like an idiot on the road: “Now you sound annoying on the air.” Ronnie said the road had been hard: “In Portland, some guy tried to kiss me at the show. They threw him out of the place.” Howard laughed that Rickyman’s catchphrases were starting to work against him: “He likes meeting guys and girls.”

Ronnie tried to avoid implicating anyone (“I know who did it and I know how it happened.”), preferring to simply state that his account hadn’t been hacked: “Somebody had my information. ... I was asleep when this came out.” Under continued questioning, it eventually came out that Ronnie’s girlfriend, Stephanie, had accidentally tweeted (with a typo, “pooped” should’ve been popped) from the wrong account.

Howard introduced the finalists for the Stern Show Soundbite Contest, and played each entry. The first three, from Chris, Jordan and Adam, were all built around--and titled after--a clip of someone saying “Howard Stern Is The Man.” JD, the contest’s guest judge, favored Frank’s entry, “Robin Disco Yayo” because it had “the better groove or whatever.” But Fred, Robin and Howard awarded the prize money to Jordan, who knew just what to do with it: “I’m gonna pay off my student loans and maybe get some studio gear.”