FOUR MORE YEARS OF THIS GUY?
The Howard Stern Show for November 3, 2004

Howard tried to stay up last night to watch the election results but he knew it was just going to go on and on. Then he woke up to see that the race was still up in the air, although it looked like Bush was winning. As of this morning, there still wasn't a clear winner, although it looked like it was going to Bush. Howard said they should wait until they count all the votes making a call. Robin was convinced Bush was going to be the winner and was very depressed about that. She said she doesn't want to live in a country that is run by religion like this one seems to be. Howard said at the very least this election makes him look like a genius. He was ahead of the curve by signing to go to SIRIUS, especially with four more years of Bush now. Howard has pissed off so many people in the administration that he's sure they'll come after him now. And since the mood of the country seems to be so conservative now, he's sure that the FCC is really going to crack down on so-called indecency. So Howard believes that everyone will be flocking to join him on satellite radio and he'll be waiting there with open arms. Howard said it's going to get to the point where the FCC will be fining people for farting.

Howard was pretty upset to read that Viacom Co-President Les Moonves is spinning Howard's departure as a good thing for Viacom. Les said that Howard is doing so well in the ratings that he was probably going to be too expensive to re-sign. He said that the show would not turn a profit for the company because Howard would want so much money, so they will actually be increasing their profit margin with Howard leaving. Artie said that this was one of the funniest things he's ever heard. Howard said he agrees with Les and wants to do whatever is good for Viacom. Howard suggested they let him leave now so they can start saving money. Howard scoffed at the notion that he costs the company too much money, saying in a lot of cases he actually pays the company. That's because when he makes a syndication deal with another market, Howard has to give a chunk of that money to Viacom. So who is really working for who he wondered? Artie laughed and said he's sure the audience is dying to listen DJ's who are less-expensive than Howard.

As if it wasn't bad enough that Bush won, two other enemies of the show, Senator Brownback and Congresswoman Heather Wilson also won their elections. Howard also pointed out that with Bush back in office we can all kiss goodbye to stem cell research, abortion rights and gay marriages to name a few things. He'll be appointing new Supreme Court Justices soon, and Howard knows he's going to appoint people that will outlaw abortion. Howard was really upset to read that only 1 in 10 people aged 18-24 voted yesterday. Howard couldn't believe that since these are the people that will be drafted if and when Bush brings back the draft. Howard said all those young people who didn't vote better not bitch and complain when they're forced to go over to Iraq. Artie started to yell to the youth of America to drop down and give him 20!!! Howard called everyone who didn't vote yesterday a bunch of dummies.

Resident Bush lover Scott DePace came in to argue with Howard over some of the stuff he said about Bush. He said that abortion isn't going anywhere and there will not be a draft. Howard asked what we're going to do then when we need more troops in Iraq and Scott said that won't happen because the President said it wouldn't. And if we do need more troops, all the army has to do is "sweeten the pot" to attract more recruits according to Scott. No one else in the studio believed that someone is going to sign up to die just to get some money from college though. Everyone started ragging on Scott making him mad. He said first thing this morning Robin called him a mother f'er! Howard told Scott to get his kid ready for a military uniform because he'll be going to Iraq in a few years. Artie, pretending to be a drill sergeant, screamed out for Pvt. DePace to look at the size of his father's huge ass!!

Chaunce Hayden called in to talk about what he saw at a Jon Stewart party last night. Howard said that Chaunce wrote him a letter asking for a job writing for the website, and Howard is considering it. But he's afraid of Chaunce using actual facts in his articles or not, since most of the things he tells us are wrong. Chaunce said he was right about Roseanne Barr missing 9/11 yesterday. Chaunce then revealed that Hustler is going to pay him a lot of money to talk about having sex with amputees. Chaunce said he didn't really want to do it, so when they called he asked them for a lot of money thinking they'd turn it down, but they took him up on it. Artie started to do his Larry Flynt impression for Chaunce but Howard noticed that the impression was pretty weak this time. Artie admitted that the impression pretty much sounded like him talking out of a crooked mouth at this point.

Chaunce had a funny story about the Amputee Beauty Pageant the other day. He said as soon as everyone was done taking pictures of the winner, E! had to ask her for her crown and sash back because we just keep reusing it over and over again. Howard complained about our tiny budget and said that was embarrassing. Howard said that people are shocked when they come up here and find out we have to order our own lunch around here. There is no food spread, no coffee, nothing. For years we didn't even have free water around here until Poland Springs started sending some over because they felt bad. Howard joked about how Jackie the Joke Man used to load up his gym bag with free water when he was here. Robin said that one time a DJ left his post to go get some water, then got locked out of the building so Tom Chiusano suspended him. Tom said he actually left to grab something to eat and he doesn't see why the guy couldn't have done a four hour shift without eating, so that's why he suspended him. Howard just asked that Tom not start buying food for his replacement once Howard leaves.

Howard told Tom that he's heard from sources that it's not likely he'll be at Viacom until the end of his contract. Tom said he is confident that Howard will be though. Howard asked if it was possible for SIRIUS to buy out his contract and also let Viacom have a piece of his new show so he could leave early and Tom said that's a possibility too. Tom said that money always talks. Ralph Cirella called in and said he's sure as soon as Howard gets fined again Viacom will drop him. Howard didn't think so though, since the FCC will probably be fining Viacom even after he leaves for shows that aired years ago. Howard does believe once he's gone Viacom will stop fighting the FCC though, since no other company is standing to fight with them. Tom said that wasn't true, and the issues with the FCC are bigger than Howard so he expects the company to keep on fighting. Howard wasn't so sure though, not because Viacom isn't brave, but because you just can never win against the government.

Howard played a great prank call from Crazy Cabbie. Someone called into his radio show thinking he was a customer service rep for AOL. The guy wanted to cancel his subscription and Cabbie said "F you, you can't cancel your service". The caller seemed taken aback and started to explain himself and Cabbie just told him he didn't give a f**k, and just for complaining he was going to double the guy's charge. He called the guy a dickus and told him even if tried to cancel his credit card they'd find him and start charging him. Artie wondered how the guy on the phone could be falling for this since Cabbie left his radio echo chamber on. Cabbie finally told him that this wasn't really AOL and that it was actually the DJ Crazy Cabbie. The guy had no idea who Cabbie was so he had to explain it to him. Howard thought that was really funny.

Howard said he got a letter from the guy who is making the Robospanker for us. Dave wrote to Howard that the Spanker is done and has been shipped and will be here this week. Howard said Dave gave him a tracking number so we can follow exactly where the Robospanker is en route to us. Dave also said that the spanker has different settings so you can control how hard and how often you want someone spanked. Jason Kaplan told Howard that Dave is making a custom remote control just for Howard so Howard won't even have to get up. Howard wondered exactly where the Robospanker was now and said he might put the tracking number on the website so everyone could follow it. Jason came back in the studio and said that the Spanker was delivered to Brooklyn this morning so it should be here soon. Several people offered to go pick it up, but Artie said with traffic there was no way we'd get it back here before the end of the show. But it should be here tomorrow so tune in

Ronnie the Limo Driver couldn't fly under the radar for what seems like the 25th straight day. TIVO genius JD Harmeyer came in the studio to tell Howard that Ronnie had just kicked him and Steve the Engineer out of their studio so he could talk to Sal the Stockbroker. Howard said that this has got to stop immediately. Ronnie came in yelling at Howard saying that Howard takes everyone else's side but his. Ronnie said that Sal was farting on him in the hall, so all he did was take him aside and say that he's going to leave Sal alone if Sal leaves him alone and that is that. Howard joked that he wants to put Ronnie in the Robospanker as soon as it gets here. Meanwhile, it turns out that Sal got in trouble with Tom Chiusano yesterday because he farted on a female intern in the office and she was so disgusted she went to Tom and said she wouldn't work in this type of environment. Both Tom and Howard completely agreed with her and Tom had to have a serious conversation with Sal about knocking it off. Sal said he didn't fart on her and just let one slip by accident. Howard told him he better pull himself together. Tom pointed out that this was not the first time Sal had been talked to about farting in the office. Sal got upset and Tom said if he didn't like working here he could just leave. Tom said Sal was lucky to be working here anyway considering he lost the contest to get this job. Sal got really angry and started yelling at Tom that he earned this job and called Tom stupid for letting Howard leave for satellite!!! Sal said all he wants to do is do his job, get along with everyone, and leave this dump. Tom got really upset when Sal called the station a dump, but even Howard seemed to agree with that assessment. Artie said that before anyone calls this place a dump, they should go get a look at the piece of hair currently stuck to the coffee machine.

Jennifer, the winner of the Miss Amputee 2004 pageant called in. Howard said he felt bad that we took her sash and crown away said the entire thing is just embarrassing. Jennifer said she made her own sash and wore it out for Halloween this year. She said she had a great time at the pageant and hopes to keep in touch with the other girls. Jennifer said that she called in because she wanted to volunteer her service to be the first girl to try out the Robospanker. She said she would have no problem getting in a bikini and trying it out. Robin asked if she could queef at the same time and Jen said probably. Howard suggested that we could tie her fake arm to the Robospanker so she would end up spanking herself!

The band Jet came in to play their hit single "Are you gonna be my girl" acoustically for Howard and promote their album Get Born. All the guys in the band are in their young 20's and Howard was shocked to learn that one of them is getting married to model Lexi Wasser. Howard was baffled as to why a young rock star would want to get married? Chris, the guy getting married, said he never thought he'd be able to get hot poontang like that and doesn't want to lose it. He said he didn't even have to tell her he was in a band to hook up with her. He said he didn't drop the "J" bomb until a month into their relationship. No one in the studio really believed that though. Artie says that he tells girls he's in Jet all the time to try to get laid. Howard tried to convince Chris not to get married and told him to at least get a prenup. But Chris said he knew what he was doing and said that not every marriage ends in divorce. Howard said they do when you're 23 and in a rock band!!! Howard joked that Lexi will stay with him until she meets Lenny Kravitz. Howard was playing a sex clip when Artie chimed in that this was Lexi backstage with Nickleback. The guys in Jet goofed on Nickleback, making fun of how the lead singer sings like he's in Quiet Riot.

It turns out that one of Jet's representatives, Ron from Atlantic Records, was the guy who tried to get into the Scores champagne room the night of Ronnie's party and was rejected because of the "Howard Stern" party going on. Ron said he had just gotten back from a Jet performance and mentioned that the band might be stopping by but that didn't help. Howard explained to him that he wasn't even there and that this was a just a birthday party his limo driver was throwing himself. Ron eventually made it into Ronnie's party so it was ok though. Ronnie and Howard started arguing yet again about the party. Then Howard played Jet's new single "Look what you've done" which is a slow ballad. Howard seemed to like it because he listened to the entire thing and then asked the band what it was about. The song was about Chris' father who got a divorce from their mother, but other than that Chris didn't really want to talk about it. So Artie started doing his "Wah Wah" until Chris revealed that his dad just passed away. Howard said that he shouldn't write a song all angry at his dad for getting a divorce because he probably just wanted to get laid. Howard hoped his kids don't grow up to write songs about him. Howard was trying to find out if there was more to Chris' anger about his father than just the divorce but Chris got really defensive and told everyone to F off. All he would say is that the song is basically about looking up to someone you respect and then having that illusion shattered. Artie said he should change the name of the song to "Join the F'ing Club".