GOOD VIBRATIONS?
The Howard Stern Show for January 27, 2005

Howard had a bad headache this morning only this time, it was not caused by Tom Chiusano or the FCC. Howard was working out his abs with his friend and trainer yesterday when his friend suggested he try something new. He had Howard put a ball between his legs and asked him to lift the ball up while he used his ab-wheel. Howard said afterwards his head started killing him and he thinks he must have wrenched his neck in a weird way. Artie said at least Howard has great abs but Howard said that's what sucks the most - he doesn't'. Howard said he'd much rather stick with regular exercises, which he says are hard enough already.

Howard read some tidbits from last week's "Page Sixty Nine" and told Robin about how it was reported that Doug Goodstein bought the show's TIVO guy, JD Harmeyer, a "rape whistle" for Christmas. Robin said that the story she really wanted to know about was what happened to JD's hair? Apparently he had his roommate cut it for him and now it looks horrible. Howard said that JD was just beginning to put a look together too and now it's ruined. He told JD that his hair is one of his best assets and he shouldn't mess with it like that. Artie said he looked like the victim of a Marine prank. Howard told him that he already has a hard enough time getting girls and messing with his hair isn't going to help that situation. As many of you already know, JD is still a virgin at the age of 25. He's been working at the show for a few years now and still hasn't been able to parlay that into a girlfriend. JD said he did get close with one girl recently but after three dates she broke up with him saying that they "weren't compatible." JD said that was because he usually likes to stay home but she likes to go out all the time. Artie and Howard pleaded with JD to just go along with whatever a girl says regardless of the truth, but JD said he didn't want to do that. He also doesn't want to sleep with just anyone; he wants to get to know a girl a little. Howard said the problem with that was that the girls also get to know him and they split before he has a chance. Artie said what's even worse is that JD lives with two guys who both get girls all the time. One of them has a steady girlfriend and the other one brings home chicks constantly. Howard said that JD really is "Napoleon Dynamite" and JD agreed with that. Artie suggested he try to go to some AA meetings to pick up chicks. Double A offered to take JD to Atlantic City this weekend and guaranteed to get him laid without paying for it. JD said he'd consider it. Artie joked that JD is the reason whores were invented in the first place.

Howard had some money to give away today so he played a new game created by Sal the Stockbroker. Sal called Gary the Retard and asked him to name the opposite of whatever Sal said. For example, if Sal said "up" Gary should say "down." A bunch of callers played but only one won, as Gary was very unpredictable with his answers. Here's a rundown of all of Gary's answers:

1. What is the opposite of Good? (Bad) 2. What is the opposite of clean? (Soap) 3. What is the opposite of dark? (Outside) 4. What is the opposite of loud? (Music) 5. What is the opposite of open? (Closed) 6. What is the opposite of poor? (Door) 7. What is the opposite of left? (Right) 8. What is the opposite of right? (Pen) 9. What is the opposite of small? (Girl)

After hearing the "Soap" answer Artie jokingly said that he wished he was retarded. He said it's like you're always drunk. Howard was perplexed over why in the world Gary would answer "Girl" for small? Only one caller was correctly able to predict which answers Gary would or wouldn't know. The other two callers didn't even get one right.

Howard sent super producer, Gary Dell'Abate, back on the frozen streets of Manhattan to again try to entice normal, everyday women to come up to the studio and get naked for money. Unfortunately Gary had even worse luck this time, barely even getting a girl to stop to talk to him for a few seconds. All of this despite the fact that at one point he upped the offer to $7,000! Gary blamed the fact that it was about 9 degrees outside. He said no one wanted to even think about taking their clothes off when it's that cold out. One woman who actually stopped to talk to Gary for a minute scoffed at the idea and said that we obviously hadn't seen her with her clothes off after Gary raised his offer to $7,000. Robin suggested the next time we try this we use a less affluent neighborhood.

Proving that nobody knows their Playboy Playmates better than Artie does, Howard revealed that it looks like our own, show-grown Playmate is falling into the stereotypes Artie predicted for her. Jillian Grace was on the show a few months ago after her mom wrote to us explaining that becoming a Playmate was her daughter's dream. Jillian came in to be evaluated and Howard was so impressed with her that helped get her set up with Playboy. During her last visit we learned that Jillian is going to be Miss March 2005! From day 1 Artie had been saying how she'd break up with her home-town boyfriend and start dating celebrities once she got into the whole LA-Playboy Mansion party scene. Well, an e-mailer wrote to the show saying they saw a photograph of Grace in Playboy hanging all over "Malcolm in the Middle" star, Frankie Muniz. Artie just laughed and laughed and said he had predicted her to be with Andre 3000 first. Howard said that he had also heard that she has officially broken up with her boyfriend back home.

Inventor Michael Spinner came in to show off his new invention called the "Vibo Pad" which he claims can cause a woman to orgasm just by standing on it. Howard said that the Vibo Pad was the size of a treadmill and sounded like a jackhammer so he wasn't sure why this would be better than a vibrator? Spinner said that he originally invented the machine to help alleviate pain he was suffering after an accident. One of his female friends stepped on the machine and had an orgasm. The machine basically just vibrates very hard and fast and apparently the vibration is enough to excite the girl. So Howard had three beautiful SCORES GIRLS in to test out the machine.

Scores Girl Irena looks Latin but is actually Russian and has lived in Brooklyn for 20 years. Howard said she looked like Jennifer Lopez which Irena says she hears all the time. She has been working at Scores for over a year but has never seen Howard there. She says she gives a very aggressive lap dance and is also very orgasmic, so she is looking forward to the machine.

Scores girl Shevon is a very young 21 years old and only three years out of high school. Originally from New Hampshire and Boston she just recently got into stripping by doing an amateur try out one night when she was drunk. She does not have a boyfriend and also gives an aggressive lap dance. She has a tongue ring which Howard said makes her look like she's up for fun. She also claimed that Shevon is her real name, which made Howard wonder how her mom knew she'd grow up to be a stripper.

Scores girl Greta has been on the show several times before. She is originally from Lithuania and said she's very orgasmic. She last had sex three days ago in her apartment. She said she loves sex and enjoys it with both men and women

There were two only Vibo Pad's in the studio so Irena and Shevon each got on one first. Spinner turned them (the machines) on and they were very loud. The girls said they weren't feeling turned on by them at all and Michael said they had to ease their way into it. He kept telling them to move their feet and roll back on their heels and various other "tricks." At one point, one of the girls thought she was feeling something but still wasn't getting turned on. They complained that since they could feel the vibration all over their body it wasn't really a turn on. Spinner suggested that they try sitting directly on the machines instead. Greta joined Irena this time as both girls sat down and Spinner turned the machine on to the highest setting. Neither girl liked it though because they said the vibration was way too hard and strong. Shevon sat next to Greta and agreed that it just wasn't happening. Howard said he would have loved to recommend people buy this machine but it didn't' seem to be delivering any orgasms. Also, the machine isn't very discreet. There's no where to hide it and it's so loud that whenever you use it your neighbors will know exactly what you're up to. Spinner reminded everyone that they could also use it as a therapeutic machine which was its original purpose anyway. Howard thanked the girls and said they all deserved huge raises.

Cloth stylist to the star, Ralph Cirella, called in as promised to deliver his "Top 10 List of Hot Women who Hit the Wall in 2004." Ralph prefaced the list by saying he is turned off by every girl on it and wouldn't have sex with any of them. Without further ado, here's the list:

#10 - Halle Berry
#9 - Charlize Theron
#8 - Gina Gershon
#7 - Jeri Ryan
#6 - Shannen Doherty
#5 - The Olsen Twins
#4 - Kim Basinger
#3 - Courtney Love
#2 - Meg Ryan
#1 - Yasmine Bleeth

The list created instant controversy. The guys thought that, while Halle Berry comes off as a-sexual, they weren't sure she wasn't attractive anymore. Ralph said that she's morphing into a different, uglier person and blamed it the fact that he believe she had a nose job. He did say he'd bang her given the opportunity though (there goes that claim). Next he said he never found Charlize Theron that attractive in the first place which caused Fred to yell putting her on his list in the first place (the idea of "hitting the wall" is that the women were attractive at one point). Robin disagreed with Ralph's addition of Bleeth to the list, but only because she felt she hit the wall years ago. Meanwhile, Howard wanted to know what happened to Rebecca Romijn Stamos whom Ralph had on his list the other day when he first told Howard about this idea. Ralph said he changed his mind about her because, although he believes she has gotten uglier, it's nothing that she can't bounce back from with a little exercise and perhaps a new boyfriend, so he took her off the list. Howard said that Ralph was so much better at this yesterday when he was rushed to give a list and has now ruined it with too much thought and nervousness. Ralph said he was working on another list though that sounded very interesting - it's a list of women who he believes are going to hit the wall in the next year or two. He gave out some of the names he's been thinking about for this "Watch List," they included:

- Jennifer Aniston
- Cameron Diaz
- Rose McGowan
- Sharon Stone
- Denise Richards
- Courteney Cox
- Jennifer Connolly
- Heather Locklear
- Catherine Zeta Jones
- Carmen Electra

While not everyone agreed with the complete list, they all thought that this list was much more interesting and on target than Ralph's previous list. Howard said he thinks that Aniston already hit the wall and completely agrees with Diaz and Richards being on the list. Robin agreed with Ralph's assessment of Electra and they both agreed that she's looked "off" recently. Ralph and Howard then came up with a few more lists on the fly. Here they are, plus who added each name:

LIST OF WOMEN THAT ARE CALLED "HOT" BUT DON'T DESERVE IT:

- Anna Kournikova (Ralph)
- Beyonce (Ralph)
- Nicole Kidman (Howard)
- Janet Jackson (Ralph)
- Amanda Peet (Howard)
- Britney Spears (Ralph)
- Madonna (Ralph)
- Anna Nicole Smith (Ralph)
- Melania Trump (Ralph)
- Sarah Jessica Parker (Howard)
- Sarah Michelle Gellar (Howard)
- Jennifer Garner (Ralph - who pronounced her name "Gardner")
- Sandra Bullock (Howard)
- Julia Roberts (Ralph and Robin)

RALPH'S LIST OF WOMEN IN THE HIT THE WALL HALL OF FAME:

- Goldie Hawn
- Jamie Lee Curtis
- Raquel Welch
- Stevie Nicks

RALPH'S LIST OF MEN WHO HAVE RECENTLY HIT THE WALL:

- Richard Gere
- Vince Neil
- Robert Redford
- Paul Newman

Nobody could understand why Ralph was making a list of men? Artie kept badgering Ralph to tell us who is on his "hot guy" list then. Artie said that if he's talking about guys losing their looks then he must have noticed them being attractive at some point. Ralph said that he notices everything. Artie said that guys shouldn't even think about other guys losing their looks.

Comedian Craig Gass and his various personalities (Al Pacino, Sam Kinison, etc) sat in on the news today. While he was on, a woman named Jennifer called in claiming she had dated Craig once. Craig verified that he actually did date her. He met her at a comedy club and they exchanged phone numbers. She also knew Gary prior to meeting Gass and he had warned her that night not to date Craig or he'd never talk to her again. Howard said that Gary wasn't doing a solid for his bro but Gary said he was probably drunk. Jennifer and Craig dated for about three months despite some disastrous first few dates. On their very first date Jennifer drove over two hours to pick Craig up at a friend's house. Craig fell asleep waiting for her and she had to sit outside his house waiting for him to wake up. Howard said that should have been a major signal to her that Gass was not that interested. Howard said if Pamela Anderson was driving to meet him there is no way he'd fall asleep. But the date couldn't have been that bad because they slept together that night. She said she had fun with Gass in bed but that he didn't rock her world or anything like that either. On their second date Craig was stopped for a DUI and spent the night in a South Central L.A. prison. It was really embarrassing because he was driving her car which was impounded and then she had to pick him up from the jail the next day after work. The relationship ended after Craig asked her to pick him up from the airport but he never showed up, then he just stopped calling her. Jennifer said that this is the first time she's talked to him since the airport incident. Craig said that he was turned off because Jennifer was way into the Howard Stern Show and constantly wanted to talk about it and ask what everyone on the show was like. Howard wondered if Gary was mad that he was married since Jennifer is so into the show she probably would have slept with him instead of Gass. Howard asked between Artie, Gary and Gass who she would want to sleep with? She said Artie first, then Gary and then Gass because of the way he treated her.