NOT NAKED
The Howard Stern Show for February 15, 2005

In a stunning revelation, resident perv Richard Christy talked confessed to braking his "no pleasuring himself during the work week" rule last night. Christy described a "perfect storm" scenario of having to make copies of one of Gary's special porn tapes, looking at the new issue of Penthouse for an upcoming guest, and the fact that yesterday was Valentine's Day as the "extenuating circumstances" for the break down. Christy said that the "special tape" - a lesbian porn tape a fan sent in years ago of two, probably amateur, girls going at it - was the straw that broke this camel's back though. He said he couldn't get through five minutes of it without taking his right hand out on a date. He also had another DVD he was making a copy of for Gary of the "Fun Sisters," two lesbian sisters. Christy said he did it about four or five times last night in a span of about three hours and described as the best Valentine's Day he's ever had! Howard said that he loves how upbeat and positive Richard is about masturbation and suggested he be a spokesperson for the cause because so many people are embarrassed by it. Artie suggested Richard could speak at corporations about this. To prove his point, Artie, doing his best Southern Richard Christy impression, said "What I'm trying to do here is present an option to rape."

Steppin Out Editor in Chief Chaunce Hayden called in today to, in his words, "pump up Howard's fragile ego." He had an audio tape of an interview he recently conducted with Ereka Vetrini from the first season of the Apprentice and the Tony Danza show. On the tape Ereka said that she loves Howard Stern. She loves everything he does and loves the show. Then, in the middle of her gushing over Howard and his move to SIRIUS, Chaunce pointed out that Howard is an old guy with a young girlfriend. Ereka asked how old he was and Chaunce said he's 51 and his girlfriend is 32. Ereka had no idea Howard was that old. Ereka told Chaunce that she thinks of Howard as being so young and hip she's never thought of his age. Howard asked Chaunce why he thinks he's in charge of distributing information about his age and his life to everyone in the world. Robin said Chaunce sounded pissed that a chick was digging Howard so he tried to sabotage it. Howard told Chaunce to leave him alone and stop throwing a monkey wrench into the works every time a girl says something nice about Howard. Howard said that Chaunce is disturbing and should get a life of his own and stay out of Howard's life.

Howard continued to go off on how creepy Chaunce is, telling him how weird it was for him to send all of us pictures of his fiance' Howard said it's like Chaunce wants all our approval or acceptance. Chaunce then told Howard that he wants to invite Beth Ostrosky over for dinner and have Howard over as well. Howard said that wouldn't happen. Chaunce already tried to get Beth over to take pictures of her for a Steppin Out cover but thought that Howard wouldn't let her. Howard said he did not say anything, Beth made her own decision, but if she did go over he would have broken up with her because he would have questioned her judgment. Gary said that Chaunce's "photo sessions" are the pinnacle of creepy. He takes them in his basement or in a hotel room in front of a blue tarp he duct tapes to the wall. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in with a question for Howard and then told Howard all of this was his fault. He lets Chaunce come on the air all the time and encourages this behavior from him. Chaunce said that wasn't a question. A lot of phone callers chimed in to trash Chaunce and Chaunce asked Howard if he was more hated than Ralph Cirella. Howard said he didn't know but he's sure it's close. Howard then put a poll up on Howardstern.com where fans can chime in. If you haven't voiced your opinion yet, vote here.

Robin went out for a romantic Valentine's Day dinner with Mr. X last night and they had sex after that. Howard wanted to know how many times and Robin said just once because it was a week night. They did it in the missionary position because that is Robin's favorite. Howard asked if Mr. X propped a pillow under her but Robin said he didn't. Howard joked that that's what he does with Fred when they have sex, to make things more comfortable for Fred. Actually, Beth Ostrosky cooked Howard a great dinner last night but they didn't have sex. Beth was still sick and she's on her period so that's why they haven't done it. Beth has been sick for the last ten days but Howard's still had sex with her twice in that span. Benjy wondered if Howard kissed her during sex even when she's sick and he said he did, he just didn't hardcore French kiss her or anything like that. Artie said that some chicks are so hot that you'd have sex with them even if they had pneumonia.

A woman calling herself "Crazy Susan" called in today to see if Howard got the birthday gift she sent him. She said she gave him a little metal rhino with a backpack on it. Howard said he did get it and actually thought it was a really cool gift but was wary of it since it came from someone he didn't know. He took the backpack off of it because he thought there might be a tracking device in it or something odd like that. He was trying to explain how much he liked the gift and was talking to Beth about whether or not he should keep it but Crazy Susan kept interrupting him. Eventually Howard muted the phone so Susan couldn't hear him but everyone else could. He just let her ramble on and on while he talked to Robin. He said with a woman like Susan you can just say one thing and they'll talk forever. Susan started to say that all her friends love the rhino because it has a little penis and Howard said he hadn't noticed that. Howard finally cut Susan off by telling her he appreciated the gift but had to go and hung up the phone.

TV talk show host Maury Povich came in today to promote his show. Maury said he loves his visits here, but can only handle them once every few years because Howard always grills him about his sex life with his wife, television reporter Connie Chung. Not to disappoint Maury, Howard immediately got right into that line of questioning. Maury and Connie have been married for 20 years and Maury said they still have sex two or three times a week. Even though he's 66-years-old, he doesn't need any pills to get in the mood and still pleasures himself on a regular basis too. Robin said he must really be in love to have sex with Connie that much after all these years. Howard wanted to know if Maury had to use lubrication with her, but Maury said he wasn't going to go there. Howard was checking out a picture of Connie from last year and said she's still hot. He thought that maybe she had breast implants, but Maury said she's had no work done at all and neither has he. Howard asked if it's true that Connie blames Maury for dragging her career down, but Maury laughed and said not at all. Howard asked if it was true that Maury had signed a 5 year, $40 million dollar deal for his TV show and Maury said that figure sounded "a little light" to him. Howard pointed out the number of other talk shows Maury has outlasted and Maury agreed it had been quite a few. Maury then congratulated Robin on her new talk show deal and Robin promised not to do a "Maury Povich"-type show. Howard then asked Maury to give Connie all one inch of Howard's love for him.

Jeff the Drunk called in today and Howard told him how funny his post pipe-hit coughing fit was the day before. Jeff had called in and started violently coughing after taking a hit off his bowl (while on-the-air). Howard wondered how smoking is enjoyable to Jeff if he has coughing fits like that. Jeff took a few more hits today and again started coughing wildly. Howard thought that that must bother Jeff's mother, but Jeff said it didn't. Howard wondered if Jeff's mom thought Jeff was gross or if she actually showed him affection with hugs and kisses. Jeff said his mom does hug and kiss him and he knows she loves him very much. Artie asked Jeff where he got the money to buy weed and Jeff said "he just has it." He pays $35 for a nickel bag -- which is high -- but has it delivered. Howard said he should save a couple of bucks and actually leave the trailer once in a while to pick up the pot. Gary came in to say he heard that Jeff spends a lot of time playing Xbox, even though he can only play games that can be played with one hand, such as bowling and golf. Howard was more interested in Jeff's mother though and wanted to know if Jeff could get her on the phone. Jeff said she loved Howard, but wouldn't come on the air.

Debbie Gibson came in today to promote her first nude spread in the March issue of Playboy magazine. As an added bonus for Debbie, we brought in Rob, a 27-year-old virgin who claims to be her #1 fan. Not only has Rob never slept with a woman, but he has also never kissed one either. Rob has a lot of health problems which caused him to have to get dialysis treatment a few times a week and he blames that and low self-esteem for his lack of sexual experience. Gibson said that 27-years-old was too old to be a virgin and suggested he seek professional (mental) help. Rob told Debbie she was incredibly sexy and that he'd been in love with her for years. She is his dream girl. Howard tried to get Debbie to show Rob her ass, but she refused. Then Jonathan, one of Debbie's ex-boyfriends, called in. Howard wanted to know why they had broken up, but they were both extremely sketchy with the details. Howard said he heard Debbie had cheated on Jonathan with Ryan Seacrest, but Debbie denied that. Howard tried to get Jonathan to talk about his sexual relationship with Debbie, but he gave nothing away. Howard said he'd do Debbie in a second, although that's probably how long it would last.

During the Debbie Gibson interview, Howard took a call from a woman named Alison who said she was downstairs, a huge fan, and wanted to come up and get naked for Howard. She said she was 5'9, long brown hair, 140 pounds, and a 34 C-cup. Gary interrupted her at this point to ask her to repeat her weight because at that height, she should be closer 125 pounds. Howard had her come up and immediately said she was very cute. Howard said he could tell she'd be a knockout if she lost about 20-25 pounds. She started to blame her stressful job as the reason she's overweight, but Howard told her if she lost the weight, she'd be able to find a rich guy to take care of her so she wouldn't need to work. Howard then had her disrobe. From the waist up, she was beautiful; a nice flat stomach, a good boob job and a very pretty face. However, she was too chunky downstairs. Gary got a marker and started circling all the parts of her body that needed work, mainly her thighs and her ass. Artie said Gary missed something else that needed work and then tried to circle Alison's mouth. Howard said Alison is the perfect candidate for a contest he's thinking of doing. It's for cute girls who could be very hot if they just lost some weight and toned up. He had Alison stand on the scale and was surprised to see that she weight 159 pounds naked! Howard told her she would be a total knockout if she lost 39 pounds. He said she should start a diet now and we'd contact her later on about the contest. After checking out her ass again, Howard jokingly suggested that she run back to her home state of Florida instead of flying. Howard said he bet she ate poorly, but she swore she didn't. She did admit that she had breaded veal with mozzarella last night for dinner and Howard told her that was a mistake. Artie told her the next time she comes back, she better have either lost the weight or brought a plate of veal for him.