March 25, 2005
The Howard Stern Show for March 25, 2005

Howard said the paper was filled with stories he was dying to talk about today. First up were reports that the government is currently investigating radio host Don Imus' "Cancer Ranch" for any possible misuse of funds. Artie had a great article on the topic from the Wall Street Journal and read some of the best statistics in the report. For instance, according to the WSJ, the ranch reportedly had expenses of $2.6 million last year while housing only 100 children. This means they spend about $26,000 per kid, or $3,000 per kid per night to stay at the ranch, a figure the WSJ says is unusually high. The article pointed out that, for the same amount of money, the kids could have spent the night at the Waldorf Astoria instead. What Howard found most odd was the fact that Imus is upset he's under investigation. Howard said if he has nothing to hide he shouldn't care whether or not he's being investigated. According to the article, the investigation is also looking into whether or not Imus uses the ranch as a vacation home and hinted that he might have to pay for any time he spends there when sick kids aren't there. Imus reportedly said that he'd rather close down the ranch than pay out of pocket to stay there. Howard questioned Imus' full commitment to the cause of helping cancer victims if that's the case. He then had Fred play the Imus song parody "I'm a Fake Cowboy" and said that he wants Fred to dress up like Imus and sing that song live during his farewell tour.

Also big in the news today is the on-going Terri Schiavo controversy. Howard played a clip from FOX News Live in which they interviewed, in a serious manner, self proclaimed psychic John Edwards. In the clip, the interviewer asks Edwards if he feels he can communicate with the vegetative Schiavo and Edwards believed he could. He said there have been documented cases of people having out-of-body communications using astrophysics. Howard said he wanted to know where these cases are documented and said that the only documented cases of astrophysics he knows of appeared in a Marvel comic book. Howard said that FOX News is the biggest joke by interviewing a guy like Edwards in a serious away about a case like this. Howard believes they should just let her die. Artie said the thing that interested him most about the Schiavo case was finding out about the existence of feeding tubes. He wondered if he could have one inserted into him and said he'd like to be fed cheeseburgers through it.

Rival NY Radio Station, Hot 97, was another hot news story today. The radio station is apparently in hot water over a "Bitch Slap" contest they held at the station. That's where they have two women bitch slap each other as hard they can until one gives up. NY State Attorney Eliot Spitzer, who is also investigating the Imus Cancer Ranch, is looking into whether or not the station violated any laws by having an unlicensed fight in their studios. Howard said this is yet another example of his competitors trying desperately to be more outrageous than him in order to make a mark in the radio industry. However, Howard would never have a contest like this on his show and goes to great lengths to make sure whatever he does is on the up and up noting that there is a line where you realize that something is going to be just too dangerous. General Manager Tom Chiusano confirmed that, citing the many legal hurdles KROCK had to jump through just to get the proper sanctions for the Stuttering John/Crazy Cabbie boxing match. Howard said that no matter how funny the contest may have looked, he'd never do something like that here because it's just too easy for people to get hurt.

Howard showed off his new Treo 650 phone that he got the other day. He said the phone is great and the best part about it is uses Bluetooth technology so he can use a wireless ear piece to talk. Robin wondered if the ear piece generated a lot of radiation into Howard's skull but Howard ignored the question, telling her instead that the ear piece if very light. The phone also has a great camera in it and can hold Mp3's but Howard said he's just interested in the actual phone function of the device. A caller said he hoped that maybe the next generation of Treo phones could have SIRIUS built into them but Howard said he'd much rather have our country's tech gurus invent a device to give him oral instead.

A guy in a wheel chair, named Stephen, unexpectedly stopped by the studio today to talk about the government's handling of the Terri Schiavo case. Stephen lost the use of his legs during a skydiving accident and is furious that the government is spending so much time to try to "save" Schiavo's life while they outlaw the stem cell research that could help him. Howard wanted to know why he was skydiving in the first place and said he can't understand why anyone skydives. Stephen said he never feels more alive than when he skydives and still does it, even in his paraplegic state. He hurt himself when he hit a cable attached to a circus tent. Stephen said he hit the cable because he was too busy trying to check out a hot chick he saw on the ground. Stephen said he was extremely angry at the government for their stance on stem cell research and detailed how he's going to be flying to China soon for some experimental stem cell procedures that could help cure him slightly. He said it infuriated him to no end that he has to leave the United States of America to do this because the procedure is illegal here. Howard said that someone should hold a march in Washington DC over stem cell research and people should be demanding one immediately. Stephen said there is already one scheduled for April 12th and Howard joked that of course there is, it was his idea. Moving on to more serious issues, Howard wanted to know if Stephen was able to have sex in his condition. Stephen said he was, he just has to inject his penis with something to get him aroused. Howard said we'll have to book Stephen over at SIRIUS so he can talk about that in more details.

For information on the April 4th rally check out http://www.cureparalysisnow.org/

Howard brought up the idea for his giant farewell tour again today. He said the day after his last day on terrestrial radio he wants to get on a bus and tour the entire country, saying goodbye to the fans and inviting them to join him at his new home. He said he didn't have it all planned out yet but wants to have a line of buses or motor homes or something like that to travel the country in, stopping in as many markets as he can. He plans on starting with just a few hot chicks on his bus and then picking up more as he travels around the country. He also wants to stay at fans' homes along the way. He said he hasn't planned out a route yet but figures the road tour would last about a month. Howard promised all of his fans are welcome to follow his caravan and make it a true event. Segment Producer Jason Kaplan came in with a crude map he drew of the country outlining a potential travel route. He said they could start in NY, work their up to Hartford then Boston then Maine, then cut across the northern half of the country, go down the west coast, and come back across the south. While Jason was in there Artie pointed that he looked like Harvey Fierstein because he still had remnants on from yesterday's Office Competition where members of the staff dressed up like women. Jason said he can't get the mascara off as hard as he tries and said that several female employees here have asked him what kind he used since it didn't seem to run even though he cried a lot over his loss to Willamena. Jason had also waxed his eyebrows and has to wait for them to grow back too. Howard said that the contest was a lot of fun yesterday and applauded everyone who participated because he said everyone went all out for it, although like Jason, a lot of the guys are still showing signs of their feminization a day later.

Anna Benson, the wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson, came in today to discuss her efforts to get her own reality show. The last time Anna was here she made big news saying that she'd sleep with everyone in the Mets organization if she ever found proof that her husband cheated on her. Anna backed off her a claim a little this time, saying she'd only sleep with the hot players on the team. Howard started reading off the Mets roster but Anna wouldn't comment on any of the guys. She did say that Howard would be 1st or 2nd on her list though. Gary noticed that Anna was wearing some major bling and she said that one of her rings was a 10 karat diamond. Artie joked that unlike her husband, Anna actually has a "ring" (as in World Series ring). Howard reminded Anna that she got a little mad at him during her last appearance because he objected to how Anna kept saying "We" when referring to her husband's career. Anna didn't want to get into that again but feels she plays a major part in her husband's successful career in a lot of ways. Howard wanted to know what Anna's reality show would be about since she really doesn't have a career. Anna said that she basically runs the entire household for Kris so he can concentrate on pitching. She deals with money issues and the kids and things like that. She also wants to show how tense it can be for a pitcher's wife to watch her husband pitch. Howard suggested she put the show on HBO so she could appear topless on the show.

Anna again discussed her and Kris' voracious sex life. The last time she was on, she talked about how they can't keep their hands off each other and have had sex at or near many of the major ballparks throughout the country. This time she talked about how she likes to walk around the house in sexy outfits for Kris. She said she likes to turn on her husband by being seductive and she hardly ever turns him down for sex when he asks. Anna said that she and Kris usually only have sex once per session but that's enough to satisfy her. Howard wondered how long the sex sessions lasted; she answered, "not long, usually about 45 minutes." Howard and crew were shocked by that and were sure that included foreplay but she said no, that did not include foreplay. Howard wanted to know how her husband could do that and said that his all time best personal record was 3.4 minutes.

Disc Jockey and "Sulu Dance" creator Kidd Chris was supposed to stop by the studio today. However, when Howard promoted that fact, Artie informed him that Kidd was already sitting in the green room. Howard got mad and demanded to know why Gary didn't tell him that. Gary, via his office cam, said that he thought he and Howard had "kind of" discussed waiting for a break before bringing Kidd in. Robin said she could tell Gary was making that up because he said he "kind of" discussed it with Howard. Meanwhile, Sal the Stockbroker was jumping up and down behind Gary making monkey faces. Gary got really mad and slammed the door shut and Howard said that Sal shouldn't really be making fun of Gary given Sal's "Gary's birthday show" fiasco. Howard said that Sal sent Howard a memo saying he wanted to put together a huge birthday show for Gary and had all these great ideas but none of them panned out. He a bunch of guests he wanted to book but he couldn't get any of them and half the CD's of produced material he gave to Howard didn't work. Howard said that Sal learned how hard it is to produce a radio segment and should remember that the next time he mocks Gary. Gary said the funniest thing was that Sal called the a really old phone number trying to reach Gary's dentist but Gary was able to find the number in five seconds by "Googling" his dentist's name. Sal screamed that he was putting together the entire thing himself and that Jason Kaplan had gotten him that number from Gary's wife. Gary said that wasn't true because his wife refused to give Jason the number. Jason agreed, saying he had told this to Sal and then Sal claimed he later found it. Sal called both Gary and Jason liars but Gary said that Sal was just upset for failing miserably as a producer.

Howard's friend and fellow jock Kidd Chris finally found his way into the studio to hang out. Howard had mentioned previously that he heard the Philadelphia affiliate had interviewed Chris about taking the job there once Howard leaves for SIRIUS but Kidd said a lot of weird stuff went on after Howard talked about that on the air so he couldn't get into now. He said he doesn't want to replace Howard anyway because whoever "replaces" Howard will be hated. He said he wants to be the guy who replaces the guy who replaces Howard. Kidd is working in San Antonio now and said the one thing he learned about that place is that they love to drink there. Artie agreed with him on that. Kidd said he has had sex with his listeners before but hasn't in awhile. Howard said that Kidd gets a lot of hot chicks and brought one to a party Howard had last year. Kidd said he last had sex two weeks ago with a school teacher and that was great because it fulfilled one of his "fantasies." Next on the list is to bang a hot news anchor. Kidd then told a great story about a pair of Mexican sisters he once had sex with. He picked them up at a party and on the ride back to his apartment the girls would take turns pleasing him orally while the other made out with him. Then back at his house they both wanted to have sex with him, but not together. So one hung out in his bedroom and the other hung out in his living room and he kept going back and forth. Kidd said that one of the sisters was pretty manly looking but he did her anyway because banging two sisters is a great story. He did the ugly girl first and figured the sister's planned it that way so he just wouldn't have sex with the hot one and then back out of it.

Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line to play the Gossip Game. Howard said that this week's game was sponsored by the new movie ''Sin City'' which he thinks looks really good. Mike mentioned that Howard was in the latest issue of the Enquirer. Howard thought that the picture they used of him with Billy Joel was from about 6 years ago but Mike didn't think that was the case. He said that Howard wasn't "that buff" six years ago. Howard was pretty sure he remembered when the picture had been taken, but Mike almost had him convinced that it was a more recent picture. Howard then moved on to the gossip game, here's how it goes...

Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are real and one of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

1. Charlie Sheen's wife Denise Richards cleared out the house and sent all of his personal items to the set of Two and a Half Men after throwing him out.

2. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were almost completely ignoring each other at the wrap party for their MTV show, "Newlyweds." Nick also shoved a photographer as he was leaving the party.

3. Kirstie Alley has been asked to model clothes for Layne Bryant (the "plus size" retailer and supplier of the clothes worn by both Jason and Benjy in yesterday's Office Contest) if she can lose just 15 more pounds.

4. Debra Messing asked to have a Coach store closed for an hour so she could shop solo. She ended up purchasing $10,000 worth of merchandise and sent the employees some cookies the next day. Kidd Chris picked story number 2, Artie chose story 1 and Howard, Robin and Fred all chose story 3 as the fake one. This week's false story was number three. Howard wrapped up giving Mike a plug for his book