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The Howard Stern Show for June 16, 2005

Howard opened the show commenting that Artie's professional shave was still looking good a day later. Artie said he thought it was called a three-day shave, so we'll have to wait until tomorrow to see. Robin said she even touched Artie's face yesterday and it was baby smooth. Howard also pointed out that Artie was eating oatmeal this morning! Artie blamed this on the fact that he had to go for an extensive physical exam yesterday in order to get insurance for his movie. Howard thought those kinds of physicals were kind of a joke, just something people did to fulfill some paperwork requirements. Artie explained that was not the case yesterday because he had to do the full exam, complete with the stress test wired to an EKG machine while on a treadmill. Artie said the most surprising thing was that the doctor told him he was completely normal. Howard thought the insurance people must be worried that Artie was going to go nuts to put him through all these tests. Howard said when he's done these kinds of physicals it's always been "stick out your tongue, you pass." Artie joked that his blood and urine test will show a bunch of "anti-looney" meds. Artie said he was no longer into his oatmeal though; he got 3 bites into it and lost interest. Howard said he liked his oatmeal plain -- so plain in fact, that he thought he might like just a bucket of oats with no water. Robin wanted to know if Artie's weekends were different now that he's on medications and Artie said that this coming weekend will be his first, and that everything is new. Artie said he and Dana have dinner plans this weekend and he has no intention of ordering any alcohol during it.

Howard took a call from the "Real Batman," a guy who rides around the city on his bike "helping people." This caped-crusader thought Howard was right on the money about the new Batman movie, "Batman Begins". He said it was awesome. Another caller wanted to know what Howard thought of recent comments by Infinity's Joel Hollander about Satellite Radio. Hollander said during an interview that he thought the Satellite companies were paying too much for sports content that wasn't exclusive. Howard argued that being able to hear your favorite NFL game, no matter where you were in the country was a huge plus that Joel didn't account for in his statements. Gary added that football teams, more than any other pro sport teams, had fans spread across the country who will really enjoy being able to hear their teams play on SIRIUS. Howard said he was really surprised that Hollander chose this argument because it could be picked apart so easily. Artie pointed out that Satellite will also be great for gamblers who want to keep track of many games all around the country on any given Sunday. Howard was disappointed by the guy interviewing Hollander and thought he could have done a much better job. Howard also played an interview with Geraldo Rivera who was asked if he was going to take over for Howard when he leaves for SIRIUS. Geraldo said he had decided not to do this and to re-sign with Fox instead. Howard knew Geraldo was never asked to take over for him and thought this was odd because he was turning down something that he was never offered.

Captain Janks called in this morning to replay a call he had made to Cousin Brucie a million years ago. Janks asks the veteran DJ if he ever wished he was Howard Stern. Brucie answered that he doesn't because Howard doesn't use his talents in the right way. Janks reminded the gang that he had just had double hernia surgery and had recently gotten out of the hospital. He said he was using the time to put together a compilation album of all his favorites. Janks tried to play one of his most recent calls, but he says the S-word is in it and forgot to bleep it so it was dumped. Howard told Janks he was about to give him a $500 prize until he had to dump out on him. Another caller asked about the new Jimmy Buffet Channel on SIRIUS, which started the other day. Howard said he met Jimmy recently and was really impressed by him. Not that he was a "Parrot Head" as Buffet's fans call themselves, but he thought getting a channel on SIRIUS was a brilliant move for any recording artist because it gave them a steady platform to communicate with their fans. Howard said he talked about the same thing with Dave Grohl after his visit the two days ago. A few days ago Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard had made using an AT&T Relay operator. In that call the guys made the operator say some pretty sick things. Yesterday they got John the Stutterer in on the fun and actually got an operator to give up and call in a supervisor. During the call, John stuttered a lot, but that wasn't what made the operator surrender; Sal pretended to stutter on the keyboard side and typed "I" about 50 times, (all of which the operator read), but that wasn't what did it either. The thing that angered the operator most was when Sal started to talk about the things he wanted to do with John AND the operator together. The operator warned Sal not to do that, and then he did it again, causing the operator to get really angry and request a supervisor.

Back from a break, Howard was surprised to learn that the song Fred had been playing, (the one he liked, was a Vertigo Blue tune from Scott the Engineer's son. Fred asked Howard to keep that to himself though because Scott would make him listen to all his CD's if he heard that he liked something. Howard had Ron Jeremy in the studio to play Stump The Perv against Richard Christy this morning. Howard talked to Ron about his career in porn. He had read that, at one point, Ron was making $500,000 a year, but Ron said that had included his feature film work, appearances, TV work and his hot sauce business in addition to the porn money. Robin seemed to be relieved that he didn't earn that much a year just having sex on film. Howard asked why Ron never got into the business side of porn and Ron said it was because there were far too many hassles being in the business, like getting arrested. Howard was surprised to hear that porn makers got arrested and Ron explained how right wing groups would find ways to take them to court in certain southern jurisdictions where laws were much stricter. Ron said he was arrested once as a director in California for pandering, but got the charges thrown out in court and the laws changed on constitutional grounds. Yesterday, and again this morning, Howard played a clip of an 87-year-old woman having sex...

with Ron! Howard asked Ron what that was like. Ron said it was a job like any other, you just close your eyes and do what you have to do. He said she was a really good looking 87-year-old anyway, so that helped. Ron revealed that his father was a physicist and his mother was a spy for the OSS (the CIA's predecessor) and that he has a Masters in special education. In fact, he taught special ed classes for a year before getting into porn. He said he even knew that Beetlejuice suffers from a disease called microcephalia, which Howard said was true. Artie said he had read a book about PT Barnum who had several people with that disease in his circus. Ron said it was very difficult for women to date him because, as he put it, what woman wants to tell her current boyfriend that she's leaving him for Ron Jeremy. He did say that despite this, his social life is a lot of fun and he has many friends, both famous and not. Ron claims that his favorite porn star to work with is Tabitha Stevens because she is so genuine and sweet, and because she continues to moan even after the cameras are off. Ron believes that he can be emotionally monogamous, but probably not physically monogamous. Before starting the game, Ron plugged his XXX Hot Sauce and the new series on HBO (11PM Thursdays) he appears in a few times called "Cat House" about the Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada.

Before entering the isolation booth for the first half of Stump The Perv, Richard asked about Ron's role in a film called "Fat Liners." Ron said he had sex with a 300+ pound woman, but thought this might have been easier than the 87-year-old for him. Ron did say though that despite some of the strange things he has done, he has never once had to take any chemical or herbal aides like Viagra to help him get "ready." Then Richard locked himself in Robin's studio so he couldn't hear Ron's part of the game. Here are the questions and answers:

1.) This Vivid girl has also performed under the names Sadie Jordan and Brook Thomas. Answer: Tera Patrick

2.) Despite making over 400 adult movies including, "Midnight Librarians" and ''Spring Break Sex Kittens,'' which star has never had an onscreen sex scene with a male co-star? Answer: Felicia

3.) Which recent AVN new comer of the year and squirt woman takes her Porn name from the Greek Goddess of love, beauty, and music? Answer: Cytheria

4.) Which star of movies such as ''Wanda Whips Wall Street'' appeared in the main stream movie ''Boogie Nights'' as a judge? Answer: Veronica Heart

5.) Which star of such films as ''Rich Wives Club'' was indicted in 2000 for insider trading? Answer: Marilyn Star

6.) Which star of such films as ''Top Notch Bitches'' also appeared in an Eminem video and "The Sopranos"? Answer: Gina Lynn

7.) This late bloomer didn't get her start until 2003 at the age of 37 and has made 75 films so far? Answer: Vikki Vet

Ron got 4 questions right in the full 90 seconds allowed while Richard only got 2 right in the 90 seconds - making Ron the new Stump The Perv World Champion! Sal came in and asked about one of Ron's more peculiar talents, the ability to suck his own penis. Ron said this was true, but he rarely does it any more. He told us how the first time he discovered this special ability he was at summer camp and had immediately called his father to find out if it was normal for boys to be able to "kiss themselves down there." His father asked if anyone had seen him do it and then told him to wait until he was 18 when girls would do it for him.

Howard played a new game at several points in the show this morning, giving several lucky listeners the chance to win $500 each time. In this game, Sal asks Beetlejuice a question and records Beetle's answer, Sal then asks the same question again 60 seconds later. The object of the game is to guess if Beetle will answer the same way the second time or not. In the first use of the game, Sal asked Beetle what his favorite drink was and Beet answered, "beer." The caller guessed Beetle would not say that again and was rewarded with $500 when he answered, "orange juice" the second time around. The next caller guessed correctly on the question: "What is Howard's last name?" when Beetle answered, "Howard Stern" and then "Stern" winning the caller $500. Regular caller, Susan/Angela had to figure out if Beet could answer "orange" again to the question: "What color is orange?" She lost when he answered "red" the second time around. The next caller said he had a theory on how Beetle answered these things. The caller said that the more abstract or variable the question is, the harder it was for him to answer correctly, i.e. Howard's last name. Howard wasn't sure he understood this, especially because the game wasn't about the answers being correct, rather players had to guess if he would answer consistently. However, he let the guy give it a shot anyway, but made the guy get 3 out of 5 right since he was working off a theory. The guy never really put his theory to the test though, but still managed to get the first 3 right.

Here are the questions:
1. What color is Robin Quivers? - White / White

2. What do you eat in the morning? - Food / Cereal

3. What animal makes the sound 'meow'? - Cat / Cat

The final question went to a guy who had called in to find out if Artie would be rescheduling his DVD signing in Union, NJ. Artie said he would, although both Robin and Howard told him to just take it easy. This caller's question was, "How tall are you Beetle?" and Beet's first answer was "five foot eight." The caller didn't think Beetle would repeat this, but lost when he said "five eight."