OKSANA ON MY MIND
The Howard Stern Show for August 17, 2005

Howard started the show by bringing up the Gilbert Gottfried/Wendy The Retard phone sex call from two weeks ago. He said even though it was funny, Tom chopped it up so much that Howard couldn’t tell what they were saying to each other at some points. Howard talked about how things like that just make him want to go to SIRIUS right away. For the second straight day he was at the SIRIUS building yesterday. He said he had business meetings all afternoon, and although they were exhausting, they made Howard even more excited about his move. Howard liked that though because it made him feel like stuff was getting done.

Howard announced that he read recently that the FCC is considering fining the show again. Howard didn’t care about the news because he wouldn’t be getting fined personally. Artie thought all along the show would be hit with a going-away fine. Howard said if that happened, it would motivate him all the more at satellite. Robin commented the government is getting crazier than ever. She added she wants an historian to write a book about the intrusive role the government is playing in our lives nowadays. She felt Howard could not be the author though, because when he talks about the subject, people accuse him of complaining.

Howard mentioned that he woke up early today to try on the pants of the new tuxedo he bought for Ross Zapin’s wedding this weekend. Artie said he tried on his tux, but that it was way too small, so he had to rent one. Howard asked Artie if he planned on drinking at the reception. Artie responded it was going to be tough because he hasn’t been to a social event since he gave up the sauce, but thought he would remain on the wagon. He said Dana would be there to watch over him and that his shrink gave him his cell-phone number in case of an emergency. Artie added in order to help him avoid alcohol, he was going to overeat and drink plenty of Coke.

Gary told Howard he received a disturbing e-mail yesterday from one of Ross’ cousins. In the letter, the cousin talked about how big of a fan he was. He went on to inquire how much contact he could expect to have during the reception with everyone from the show without being a nuisance. Gary said that somehow word of the e-mail got back to Ross, who was livid about the situation. Howard pointed out that with everyone from the show at the reception, as well as celebrities like Cindy Crawford, it was going to be tough for Ross and his fiancée, Melissa, to get any attention. Howard said he doesn’t mind taking pictures with people, but he just wants to have fun like everyone else. He added he doesn’t want to come off as a jerk, so he’d have to see how Cindy was handling the people.

Tom Chiusano said Ross should confiscate all cameras in order to avoid the potential problem. Howard felt that wouldn’t do the trick though, because people would just use their cell phones to take the pictures. Artie wondered if guests would really be that intrusive because the wedding seemed like a hoity-toity event. Howard noted that wouldn’t stop people. Robin added that, like the cousin wrote in his message, fans will take any opportunity they can to meet the crew.

Ross called in and apologized for his cousin’s behavior. Gary said he got a hold of the cousin who wrote the letter, but that he refused to come on the air. Ross said he was bummed out because attention is being taken away from his day. Howard assured Ross he was going to be at the wedding to celebrate him and Melissa.

A caller wanted to know if it would be possible to have a cardboard cutout of everyone at the reception so people can take their pictures without bothering anyone. Howard wanted to know if Fred, who wasn’t invited to the wedding, would at least be able to have his cutout included in the group. Ross said he doesn’t know Fred well, and that’s why he wasn’t invited. Fred pointed out that he’s known Ross for a decade and he wasn’t invited, while Artie, whom he’s known for a couple of years, was asked to attend. Fred told Ross he’d be sure to show up at the divorce party.

Gary asked what everyone was planning to give as a gift. Robin said she was giving $1,000. Howard felt Robin was setting the bar way too high, especially because she’s not even that close to the couple. Robin said she’s known Ross for a long time, and that she adores Melissa. However, she didn’t know Melissa’s last name. Robin claimed she doesn’t know Melissa personally, but when they’ve been out together they’ve always had fun. Regardless, Howard said he’d now have to give $1,500. Artie figured, with the cost of renting the tux, Ross actually owed him $10.

Howard announced that Vertigo Blue, Scott the Engineer’s son’s band, is breaking up. Scott said the band decided to split because two of the members are heading off to college. Howard figured Scott was upset with the news, because he saw his son’s music career as his ticket to the easy life. Scott claimed that this was not true. He did report, though, that other projects would come up for his son. Howard asked Scott if his son ever thought about going on “American Idol.” Scott said he’s not really the “American Idol” type, so that wasn’t an option. Howard also brought up that Scott has been using “hair” products designed for bald people. Scott admitted he uses shampoo and head wipes made by a company called Bald Guyz. Scott claimed he uses these products so that his scalp doesn’t dry out.

For the past couple of days, Howard’s been discussing the idea having a roast for the show’s finale on regular radio. However, after thinking about it, he thought the roast would be too raunchy and censored for the normal airwaves, so he decided to postpone it until they get to SIRIUS. Howard thought that the best way to make the roast really interesting would be to have guests who hate him come on. Among the names mentioned were:
• Bill Maher
• Cher
• Rosie O’Donnell
• Charles Grodin
• Kathy Lee Gifford
• Dennis Miller
• Star Jones
• James Garner
• Billy Crystal
• Robin Williams
• Bill Cosby
• Andrew Dice Clay

Artie said it would be the ultimate roast if Gary could book people who have sincere grudges against Howard. There was a question of whether Howard would be able to take all of these verbal shots, but he promised he’d be able to grin and bear it. In fact, he said anyone who wants to roast him can do so, and that he would grant immunity to whomever requested it.

When Dice’s name came up, Sal asked Howard what officially ended their relationship. Howard said the two of them were good friends even off the air, but that Dice lost it when his career fell apart. Howard remembered helping Andrew buy a home on Long Island. Howard said he’d arrange for them to go look at these places together, but that Dice would act like a loon when he got there which made Howard look bad. He also mentioned that Dice came on the show a number of times and bombed so badly that Howard refused to have him as a guest for a while. Eventually Howard let Dice back on the show as a favor, but he was once again unfunny.

Following his final appearance, Dice blasted Howard in a newspaper interview for being a bad host. Howard felt when Dice badmouthed him after all he had done for his career, he couldn’t be friends with him anymore.

QUICK HITS
• The other day Gary brought his son, Lucas, into the studio. Jason had Lucas do a version of the “Star Wars” Baba Booey song. Howard thought that the whole idea was wrong, but he played the clip anyway. Gary said his son thought they wrote a song to honor him and that’s why he went along with it.

• Howard read a story that Madonna broke some bones recently after she fell off a horse. He said he wasn’t thrilled with the old Madonna, but he really doesn’t like the new Madonna at all because she pretends to be English royalty.

• Howard also brought up the fact that Joey Buttafuoco just got released from prison jail. According to the newspaper article, Joey was serving time after police found ammo in his home. This was a violation of his probation. Howard thought that if you ever had to spend time in the slammer, you’d be sure to get rid of things like ammo when you got out in order to avoid ever having to go back.

• A caller claimed that he knows some of the guards at Fort Dix, and they have told him that Cabbie has been acting like a real jerk. Howard found out that the inmates at Fort Dix are charged 23 cents per minute when they use the phone, even though they make only 12 cents an hour. Howard encouraged people who want to get in touch with Cabbie or donate money to him to visit freecabbie.com.

Howard brought up how many of the segments people want to hear on the “Best of Stern” can’t be used anymore due to the FCC’s strict regulations. Gary said that they’re also having problems getting some of the material on the air because the tapes need to be baked, in order for them to be able to be played. He estimated that tapes hadn’t been baked for several months. However, Luis, the board operator at KROCK who is responsible for the baking process, guessed it had been closer to a year since tapes were consistently baked. Since these tapes are the only copies of some of the shows, if they aren’t baked in time, the shows could be lost forever.

Luis said that baking the tapes isn’t a top priority for people like Gary and Tom, so that was why he hadn’t been doing it lately. Howard told Luis that if it were up to Tom the shows wouldn’t be taped in the first place. He instructed Luis to do exactly what he said, and not to listen to anyone else. Howard demanded that baking the tapes be Luis’ top priority. He added that he would stop airing “Best of Stern” shows if the tapes didn’t get baked right away. Luis promised Howard he would do just that, so Howard promoted him to producer. He then demoted Gary to assistant producer. Gary wanted to know if Tom officially gave the green light for Luis to spend his time baking. Howard repeated he was the one giving orders so it didn’t matter what Tom said. In the meantime, Sal was cleaning out Gary’s office after the demotion. He said he was busy throwing away pictures of Gary’s kids and added that the room smelled like a petting zoo.

Willie Nelson stopped by to talk about his new album, “Countryman,” as well as his role in “The Dukes of Hazzard.” Howard said Willie was the only country artist he has ever liked. He also mentioned that even though he is now divorced, he got married to Willie’s cover of “I’ll Be There.” Willie commented that the shortest fairy tale is about a guy who asked a woman to marry him, she said no, and they both lived happily ever after. Willie said his first big song was “Crazy,” which was originally covered by Patsy Cline. He joked that the original title was “Stupid.”

Howard asked Willie if he had already smoked weed this morning, and Willie said he had. He told Howard that he doesn’t have a daily smoking routine, but that he smokes morning, noon and night. Howard commented that if pot didn’t make him so paranoid he’d love to smoke with Willie. Robin wanted to know if Willie thought marijuana had gotten stronger over the years. He responded that it definitely had. Given this, he no longer has to smoke as much as he used to because it’s so potent nowadays. Willie added he is so well known for his pot smoking that people just give it to him for free. He said he can still handle it, so he won’t give it up. However, he had had trouble dealing with alcohol, so he quit drinking.

In the “Dukes of Hazzard,” Willie plays Uncle Jesse. Howard said how he finds Jessica Simpson, another star of the film, to be extremely hot. Willie agreed, and noted that she also has beautiful eyes. He said Jessica doesn’t smoke weed, so he wasn’t able to get high with her. Willie said that his costars, Johnny Knoxville and Burt Reynolds, were great on the set. Howard wondered if Willie tried to smoke Burt’s toupee, but he didn’t. Willie informed Howard that Burt wears lifts in his shoes, which Howard found odd. He thought that once you got to be Burt’s age some of your vanity would go away. Howard added that everyone seems to love Burt, so he must not be that bad of a guy. Willie agreed.

Willie talked about how great his fans have been to him throughout his career. He said that when he was having problems with the IRS, his fans would buy his stuff at auctions and then give it back to Willie. That’s how Willie got back his ranch. Howard thought his fans would never do that kind of thing for him. Willie said his money situation has been taken care of, and that he was recently told he could retire anytime he wanted to do so.

Willie said “Countryman” is a reggae album. Howard commented that Willie always seems to be trying out different kinds of music styles. Howard asked Willie what he thought about the war. Willie recorded an antiwar song called, “Whatever Happened to Peace on Earth?” He added many of his colleagues didn’t agree with his stance on the topic. However, Willie was against the invasion from the start, and he said it was time for the troops to come home.

Although he is currently touring solo, Willie just finished a tour with Bob Dylan. Howard said Bob was a genius, but he seemed to be a kook. Willie told Howard he really isn’t all that weird. Willie also talked about playing chess with Ray Charles at a hotel room in Texas some years back. Ray had a Braille set that they used. Willie said that Ray beat him, which would’ve been humiliating if it was any other blind person other than Ray Charles.

On yesterday’s show, Jeff The Drunk begged Howard to let him meet Willie. After giving Jeff a number of conditions, he said he could come in. Willie asked Jeff about his arm. Jeff explained that he was injured in a car accident…in 1986. Howard commented that Jeff hadn’t worked since then except for one summer as a hand-stamper at a pool, a job from which Jeff was reportedly fired. Jeff claimed he wasn’t fired at all, it was that the manager decided not to rehire him. Willie and Jeff then sang a duet on “Always On My Mind.” Jeff sounded so bad that Robin wondered if he could hear the music. When the song was finished, Jeff yelled, “Willie ‘Effin’’ Nelson.” Gary said there was nothing funnier than watching a one-armed drunk cue a guy who’s charted 114 songs when his verse was coming up.

Oksana Kehoe, a Russian radio host from Albany, NY, came on to ask Howard for some industry advice. Oksana claimed she did a comedy show, but, aside from her English (ie: “A lot of humor, I have.”), Howard didn’t think she was all that funny. Oksana said she interviews Albany celebrities to come on the air in a comical way. Howard wondered what kind of celebrities there were available to her in Albany. She responded that she was recently able to “take and interview from” businessman, Jim Coyne. However, not even Oksana knew why he was “famous.” Howard advised her that if she wanted to be successful on the radio in this country, she should offer her interviewees sex for chocolates.

Oksana said she is married to a successful American lawyer whom she met in Moscow. Howard assumed she married him just to get into the United States, but she told how they had met on the street in Moscow and had fallen in love on the spot. Artie thought the guy was probably a roofer who just told Oksana he was a lawyer. Howard noticed that Oksana had a killer body. She said she weighed 110 pounds and stood 5’10”. For a plug of her Web site, she agreed to show Howard her breasts. She also told Howard that she has sex with women all the time. She added that she brings home models and girls with whom she attends college and does them in front of her husband. Howard wished Beth would bring home girls and have sex with them while he was in the room. Robin commented that Howard may say that, but he doesn’t really mean it.