TOTALLY FAB
The Howard Stern Show for September 7, 2005

Howard was saddened by all the coverage of the hurricane victims on TV lately, particularly Oprah’s show yesterday. Howard said he’s going to now dip into his wallet to help the victims. He said he’s like President Bush because he too had a delayed reaction to the tragedy. He didn’t think it was as big as it was until he saw it on Oprah. Howard said it broke his heart to see images of a dog swimming for his life, just knowing he wouldn’t make it really drove it home for him. Also touching to Howard was that Oprah showed such real video, of dead bodies in all their unfortunate tragedy. Howard commented on how The President’s mother, Barbara Bush, allegedly made some poorly thought out comments about the hurricane victims. Apparently she said that many of the people who were confined to the Astrodome were underprivileged anyway, so they were doing relatively well. Howard said it was comforting, though, to see all the celebrities going down to help, even though it looked like some of them were doing it for the publicity. Tom Chiusano reminded everybody that one of the best ways to donate any form of help was to donate to The Red Cross.

Howard played a tribute to Bob Denver, who played Gilligan on the 60’s TV show “Gilligan’s Island,” who passed away yesterday from cancer. Howard said he was a true friend of the show and told the story of the skit they all wrote for the Channel 9 show that was a re-make of Gilligan’s Island, in which Howard appeared in drag as Ginger, the movie star. Howard said during the skit he tried to smoke a tampon with Bob who he thought would walk off the set at that point, but he was such a good sport and a nice guy that he just played along. Howard said they would never tell their guests what they were going to do in their sketches, so they’d sit around writing it wondering at what point the guest would give up and just walk off. Gary said he felt bad for Bob because for most of his life, he was known only as Gilligan, always appearing in the white hat and red shirt, and never got any residual checks from the syndication deals. Apparently, Gilligan’s Island only ran for a few years, but it’s still on TV daily. You will be missed, Little Buddy.

Congressman Jose E. Serrano (D-NY) called in today to say he was embarrassed by the State department and the Bush Administration for turning away 1100 field doctors that were offered by Fidel Castro and Cuba, just because of an embargo we’ve had for decades with the Communist country. According to Congressman Serrano, 60% of the doctors offering their services are experts in the area of infectious diseases. When you consider that the U.S. has relations with every country it’s fought with (North Vietnam, Germany, China, Japan) in the past, it’s sad that politics are now going to get in the way of saving people’s lives and quickly restoring the city that’s now under water. If anyone has something to lose, it’s probably Castro. He’s sending doctors over here where they can make insane amounts of money; they could defect and never go back, so he stands to lose some good medical personnel. Congressman Serrano played diplomat and said that there are two sides to every story and we’ll never know the truth, unfortunately. Robin thought it was sad that this administration practices a policy of not talking to people. Howard joked that they sounded frighteningly like Fred.

Howard played a voicemail message from Richard Christy’s dad, in which he said he rescued some “chicks” on the farm the other day. Howard said he sounds like a real sweet guy but also sounds like a real country boy. Richard’s dad started the message by saying “Hey Richard, it’s your dad.” Howard said it was pretty obvious who it was, how many guys sound like they just stepped off the set of “Hee Haw?”

Gary came in the studio and told a story about how Richard has a guy staying with him in his studio closet of an apartment. Richard said they constantly fight over the covers, pulling them off of each other, and the pillow, that’s right, one pillow. Richard said he doesn’t even have room in his apartment on the floor for an air mattress, but couldn’t turn his friend away and make him pay for a hotel. Richard said he had to yell at him one night and run into the bathroom because his friend farted in bed. Richard then told a story about how he got laid the other day. He was in San Diego doing a comedy show and met a girl, took her down to the beach where they fooled around a little. However, he started to feel sick and told the girl he had to go to the bathroom. He went down to the water, threw up, and came back and continued making out with the girl! They fell asleep on the beach and were finally woken up by another couple, so he took the girl back to his hotel and did her! He thinks it was about a 3-hour session because he was so drunk, and he actually couldn’t finish. Howard said a guy Richard’s age should be able to go twice in one night. Richard said the girl fell asleep once in a while and he’d have to tap her on the shoulder to wake her up. Poor Richard, he’s not sure he even enjoyed it, but did say he felt like a porn star because he lasted as long as he did. Hopefully for him, this experience will give him enough masturbation fodder until the next time he gets laid, 5 years from now.

Howard was reading Rolling Stone magazine the other day and read about a band calling themselves The Fab Faux. The Fab Faux (Will Lee, Jimmy Vivino, Frank Agnello, Jack Petruzzelli, and Rich Pagano) is a collection of professional musicians including 3 guys from the house bands on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and The Late Show with David Letterman, who recreate the songs of the Beatles. The guys’ theory is that the Beatles were like Mozart and their songs need and deserve to be played live. They don’t consider themselves to be a tribute band though; they consider themselves to be more like a delivery system, allowing people to enjoy the music how it was originally written.

Howard was very excited to have the guys in and had the studio packed with equipment. The Fab Faux played “I Am The Walrus”, “Tomorrow Never Knows”, and “Strawberry Fields Forever” flawlessly, richly layering them with what sounded like a 25 piece orchestra. Howard said the performances were spectacular and said it was fun watching them recreate every little nuance, from all the strings parts, to the members grabbing different instruments during the songs, to all the voices in the background. The band said any sample they used during the performances they actually made at home. They took nothing off the original albums. Howard said it was great to see a band NOT try to sound and look like the Beatles, but make the music sound exactly how the Beatles intended it to sound. The Fab Faux do about 50 shows a year and are currently working on recreating the solo albums that the Beatles made after the band broke up. In time they will also recreate the entire White Album.

Howard said that the pictures of Baba Booey and Sal in Amsterdam smoking pot will be up on the Vagina Corner very soon, hopefully today. Howard’s also including pictures of Mary Dell’Abate slumped in her chair, getting air outside, passed out from a strong joint and a picture that Sal took of a truck, which said on the front “Douche Toilet Wagon.” Howard had an epiphany and finally came up with the names of his new channels at SIRIUS; he joked that he’s going to call them Douche 100 and Toilet Wagon 101 or Douche 100 and Bag 101. Howard said it fits because Eminem calls his channel Shade 45, because of his Slim Shady nickname, and Howard claimed that he’s a douche bag so it fits!

A caller from Columbus, Ohio said she was upset that the show was cancelled without notice and now she’ll have to wait until Howard goes to SIRIUS. She said she felt like her Federal Father grounded her by taking Howard’s show off the air. Howard and Tom both said it was ridiculous that the show was taken off and no fines have been levied yet. They don’t even know what was so indecent about the segment they did. Tom said it didn’t matter much though because the show was torn up into Swiss cheese anyway. Howard said that the lawyers told him and Tom that if the government found him to be indecent, both of them could be suspended. Tom said they would probably find out about the fines in a few weeks and Howard hoped he would get fired because of it. Howard then played a tape of the program director from the Columbus station reading a press release regarding the show being taken off the air. He read it as if he was saddened that his morning show was ripped off the air but didn’t sound too sincere about it. By the way, now’s the time to get your SIRIUS radio, Howard only has a couple of months left before the big move!

Ralph came by the studio today with Howard’s costume for his iNDEMAND show opener he’s taping tomorrow. He’s just back from staying with Sam Simon in California for a month and he’ll be going to Germany (again, with Sam) on Saturday. Howard thought that Ralph was turning in Kato Kalin. Howard wondered if Sam ever had the talk with Ralph asking him to leave because he was there for a month. Ralph said he didn’t and defended himself by saying he was a very good houseguest. Ralph said he paid for his own food and gassed up the cars (a Bentley or a Mercedes) when he would use them, but otherwise Sam paid for everything. Howard joked that Sam stole his girlfriend away from him. Ralph said that Sam has the perfect set up, and Artie agreed. Sam’s house is 2 blocks from the beach, it’s about 75 degrees everyday, he lives in the mountains so there’s a little bit of a breeze, and he’s got a big screening room. Ralph said he was like a cat holding on for dear life; they had to drag him out of there. Gary reported that a mutual friend saw Ralph and Sam going to the gym together and said it was disturbing how similarly they were dressed. Everybody defended Sam by saying he was a great guy and was very generous.