GET OUT THE RICHTER SCALE
The Howard Stern Show for September 29, 2005

Howard announced that there are only 49 shows remaining before his move to SIRIUS. Artie pointed out that even though the switch is still some time away, at least they’re talking in terms of days now, and not months. Howard noted that Artie’s observation was very astute. Artie responded that he was feeling particularly good this morning because of the Yankees’ win last night. Artie explained that the game has pushed the Yanks one game ahead of the Red Sox, who lost last night, in the standings, with the final three games of the season set to take place in Boston this weekend. Howard mentioned that he missed the game because he was busy watching “The Surreal Life” and “My Fair Brady.” Howard said he should start hanging out with Artie so he can turn into more of a man. Artie pointed out that it is odd that he is considered a man’s man when all he does is watch guys in tight uniforms running around. After hearing this, Robin wondered if baseball has a large gay following. Artie insisted that it doesn’t, and Howard agreed, adding that if it did, Artie wouldn’t follow it.

A listener called in to report that Channel 100’s screen on his SIRIUS system now reads: “We’re building toward Howard’s arrival in January.” Howard brought up that he again got a bunch of calls yesterday from people at the company who wanted him to put up some kind of programming right away. However, Howard mentioned that a year ago he demanded they get some programming in order, but since he was told not to worry about it, he didn’t. Because of this, Howard noted he doesn’t have anything ready, so The Douche will have to wait. He added that just seeing the scroll with his name on it should symbolize the possibilities that are coming soon.

Howard said that the people at SIRIUS were so eager to have something air on Douche 100, that they wanted to at least play a tone on the channel so people knew their systems were working. Howard responded that if he had to put on some programming, he’d want to play a loop of his “Baba Booey” clip, or just open up the microphones to capture the construction that is going on in the studio. A caller named Nuno recommended that instead of those options, Howard should introduce his station by playing a tape of someone farting nonstop. Artie took the idea a step further by suggesting Howard get live farters to work around-the-clock. Gary came in and reported that the show’s farters, who have been out of commission thanks to FCC regulations, are dying to get back to work. Howard figured that he’d need the farters to work four-hour shifts, and that they couldn’t talk on the air. Gary informed Howard that in order for that to happen, he’d have to hire some more farters, but that it wouldn’t be a problem.

Howard again insisted that if this was going to work, he’d need live farters in the studio and not merely sound effects. Gary commented that he thought that the farters’ lower regions would get exhausted after so much action, and that the farters would need time to recoup. Howard responded that the farters wouldn’t have to let out continuous, four-hour farts, but instead could just let loose whenever they felt the urge. Artie noted that’d be great to listen to, because you’d never know what to expect.

Because Nuno came up with the idea, Howard asked him if he was interested in being the program director for the farters. Nuno said he’d definitely take the job, and that taking some time off from his construction job wouldn’t be a problem. Howard told Nuno that he’d be in charge of his channels until real programming began airing, and that he’d have to boss people around. Artie noted that he was sure everyone at SIRIUS would accept Nuno as his or her boss, especially because he was a caller just 10 minutes ago. Howard admitted that the people at SIRIUS are going to end up being sorry they ever hired him.

Howard got both Dan the Farter and Junior the Farter on the line to make his proposition. Dan responded that he might be able to do it, but that it would take some training. Robin pointed out that if Dan was a true professional, he’d always be ready to accept such a challenge. Junior told Howard that he’d also be interested in working for him. When Howard requested Junior give him a sample of his art, Junior informed him that he had just woken up and wasn’t prepared to perform. Junior theorized that you don’t just wake Pavarotti up and say, “Sing.” After a few minutes, Dan and Junior gave Howard brief samplings of their talent. Howard admitted that he caved in from his original plan not to air anything until he was good and ready, but added that this idea was too good to pass up. He then instructed Gary to contact SIRIUS and have the scrolls on Channels 100 and 101 changed to read “Farters coming soon.”

Earlier this month, Rush Limbaugh “accidentally” referred to New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, who is African American, as “Ray Nager.” Howard pointed out that these days, conservative talk show hosts try to one-up each other by being as right-winged as they can. Despite Rush’s attempt at being the most controversial, Howard played a clip this morning that he thought was the worst one yet. In it, morality guru and Howard basher, Bill Bennett suggested that, aborting all black fetuses would lower this country’s crime rate, adding that this would be an “impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do – but your crime rate would go down.” Jason Kaplan, who brought the clip to Howard, reported that it came from a reputable Web site, but Howard thought the tape still may have been spliced together because the comment was so absurd. However, Howard then played a clip from MSNBC’s “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” in which the show’s host lambasted Bill for his remarks, so Howard conceded the quote was authentic.

Robin wondered what Rush’s response would be to Bill’s theory and Howard figured Rush would have to resort to eating a black baby on the air just to reclaim his title of biggest right-wing wacko. Howard recalled that Bill got in trouble a few years ago after he lost millions of dollars playing slots in Las Vegas. Robin noted that Bill has spent his entire career instructing people how to live supposedly decent lives, yet he does the opposite whenever he gets the chance. Artie pointed out that losing that much cash on slots was really lame. He added that he wouldn’t even want to know how much time it took Bill to cough up that much money at slot machines.

Howard announced that Beetlejuice would be stopping by the studio this morning. He also mentioned that Beet was causing quite a ruckus in the green room while he was waiting, so it seemed like they would be dealing with a difficult Beetle during the interview. Gary reported that Beet had consumed three Red Bulls in the green room and the effects of the caffeine on his small body were evident. Gary said that, not only was Beet yelling at everyone, but he also refused to shake Gary’s hand. Robin pointed out that when it comes to Beetlejuice, you never know what kind of mood he’ll be in on any given day.

When Beet came in, Howard asked him what was going on. Beetle responded that he didn’t want to talk about it, and refused to answer any of Howard’s questions. After a little prodding, though, Howard learned from Gary that he said something in the green room about Beet’s kids, and that was when his mood turned ugly. Howard then pointed out that while Gary was explaining the situation, Beetle was giving him the stare of death.

A caller informed Howard that the reason for Beet’s mood this morning was because he lost his boxing title during his most recent fight. In addition, the caller claimed that Beet’s manager, Sean, caught him having sex last night, which was also throwing him off. Beet responded that the caller wasn’t telling. After insisting the caller “just couldn’t handle it,” Beetle added that caller was mad because Beet had sex with someone last night while the caller didn’t.

Howard then played the new version of “I Don’t Know” featuring Leslie West on guitar for Beetle to hear. During one of Leslie’s solos, Beet informed Howard that he was the one playing the guitar. When Howard told Beetle that Leslie had taken credit for the part, Beetlejuice swore that he was actually the one playing. Howard commented that the latest take of “I Don’t Know” is his favorite song ever. He went on to ask Beetle about some of the terminology in the song that he wasn’t familiar with. Beetle explained that a gigolo is a woman who has sex for a week, while a “chigolo” is another word for a woman having sex. He also said that a “kango” is a pimp.

Beetle was on the show today to promote a rap concert he is performing at tomorrow night at The Crazy Leprechaun Bar in Philadelphia. Robin asked Beet if he could rap for them while he was in the studio, but he claimed he had too many things in his head right then to be able to do it. However, he promised that his performance tomorrow will rock.

Howard mentioned that he was questioning whether or not he really wanted to air the live farting on Douche 100 because of his original plan to not put anything on the channel until he was ready. Artie said he thought the idea was hilarious, but that having to figure out the logistics may be a pain. Benjy agreed that the payoff for all the work that it will take to get everything set may not be worth it.

Fred suggested that instead of airing live farters all the time, Howard could arrange to have one of SIRIUS’ toilets bugged, which would also be fun to listen to. Fred further recommended placing an Internet cam in the studio right away so people could log on to watch the farters at work. In addition, Artie commented that other people, like Martha Stewart’s assistant and anyone from the gay channel, could swing by the studio to contribute to the programming if they had to let one go. Howard noted that the reason he didn’t want to air anything until he was ready was because he didn’t want to put too much thought into it, and that was exactly what Fred and Artie were doing. He also pointed out that if he knew something was on Douche 100, even though he wouldn’t want to, he’d still spend all his time listening to it and critiquing it, even if it was just farters.

Dan the Farter was on the line again to tell Howard that he was really excited about the possibility of working for him. Dan promised Howard that he’d be able to perform at will, and wouldn’t even need a break. Robin noted that she thought the farters would start getting competitive with one another just to prove who was the best at his craft. Artie added that Howard should make all the participants sign releases in case their colons end up falling out.

After speaking to Will the Farter on the air, Howard was convinced he was making the right move in going ahead with the plan. He announced that Will would work from 6-10 p.m., Dan would fill the 6 a.m.- 10 a.m. slot and Debbie the Queefer would do her thing from 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.. Robin commented that Howard should hire another queefer for the overnight shift just to balance out the schedule, but Howard told her that was an example of once again putting too much thought into it.

Howard had a woman named Jessie in who was hoping to be reunited with one of her former flames she couldn’t locate. When Howard told Jessie she looked familiar, she responded that she had been on the show before as “The Idiot in Times Square” in 2000. Howard then pointed out that Jessie had an awesome body. After taking off her clothes and revealing that she weighed 105 pounds while being 5’9”, Jessie asked Howard if he thought she was too skinny. Howard informed her that she looked perfect to him, but Artie admitted that she could stand to gain a few pounds.

Jessie explained to Howard that she knew Jim, the guy for whom she was now searching, for nine months back in 1999, but that she let him walk out of her life. However, after years of dealing with the loss, she now wants him back. She said that the major obstacle she is facing in her hunt, though, is that, even though she had sex with him once and talked to him all the time, Jessie has forgotten Jim’s last name.

Howard asked Jessie when during the nine months they were together that she and Jim had sex. She told him that she knew Jim for four months before they became intimate, and that he didn’t request a subsequent physical encounter with her during the next five months of their quasi-relationship. She also informed Howard that Jim moved to Texas after this time, and that she hasn’t heard from him since.

Howard advised Jessie to move on with her life, because it was clear to him that Jim was a married man the entire time he was talking to her. Although she admitted that may have been the case, Jessie didn’t know that it was a fact. Gary suggested that Jim had to have been married, though, because there would have been no other reason why he didn’t want to have sex with her again. Jessie told Gary that a contributing factor to her lack of sex with Jim was that she wasn’t into frivolous physical relationships, so it wasn’t as though Jim was refusing her offers.

Before she left, Jessie gave the following information about Jim. She said that he was in his mid to late 30s, that he looked like the wrestler “Big Sexy,” that he was raised by his aunts in Missouri, and that he worked in construction. Jessie requested that anyone with information about Jim’s whereabouts e-mail her at catwomanalbany@yahoo.com. Despite the details she mentioned about the guy, Gary thought there was a chance she just repeated all the lies Jim told her during the nine months they knew each other.

Howard announced that one of his favorite new comedians, Earthquake, was coming in, but that Gary was having trouble picking out which of three guys in the green room was him. Howard pointed out that Earthquake would probably accuse Gary of thinking all black people look the same, since the three people in the green room were all African American, but Gary assured him it had nothing to do with race – it was simply the fact that he had never seen Earthquake before. Howard then had all three guys come into the studio to see if he knew who Earthquake was. When both Howard and Robin recognized him right away, Gary noted out that they had seen Earthquake’s standup special, while he hadn’t.

Earthquake said that he has been doing standup for 15 years, and that he has been making good money throughout his career. Howard asked him why he goes by Earthquake, because Howard thought he was too funny to have such a stage name. Earthquake commented that he decided to use the moniker because his real name, Nathaniel Stroman, just didn’t have the same impact. He added that, although his family members didn’t embrace the name change at first, they came around after he started getting wealthy and famous.

Earthquake brought up that he had just gotten divorced from his wife of three years. He explained that he knew his wife for six years before they married, and that once she moved to Los Angeles, she became a totally different person. Earthquake also pointed out that because he didn’t sign a pre-nup with his ex-wife, she not only was awarded his $1.4 million house, but also collects alimony and child support every month. In addition, Earthquake revealed that he has two other children with two different women – or “baby’s mommas,” so he also has to contribute financially to them as well. Howard asked Earthquake if the reason he had three kids was because he didn’t believe in protection. Earthquake responded that he never has sex without a condom, but, over time, he starts believing everything the women tell him. He went on to say that trouble seems to find him after he falls in love.

Earthquake told Howard that he got into standup following his discharge from the military in 1991 after he broke his own arm to avoid having to fight in the first war in Iraq. After this happened, Earthquake said he started talking about his problems at clubs, and before he knew it, he was making more money doing that than he would’ve at any other job. Earthquake also commented that he doesn’t really have a routine when he goes onstage, but instead just gives his opinions about whatever is in the news. Howard told Earthquake that his delivery is perfect and that what he says, regardless of what he calls it, is hilarious.

Earthquake informed Howard that one afternoon when he was in the military in Louisiana, he was thinking about a 2 Live Crew concert he was to attend that night. While daydreaming, Earthquake accidentally dropped a nuclear weapon from the machine he was operating. He said that as soon as the thing fell, everyone started running, but he stayed put because he figured no one would be able to outrun a nuke no matter how fast they ran. When they heard what happened, Earthquake mentioned that some military higher-ups gave him a drug test, but the only thing they found in his sample was incompetence.

Howard asked Earthquake why a sitcom deal he recently had with ABC fell through. Earthquake explained that he was set to play the black Archie Bunker, but that, during rehearsals his experienced costar, went behind his back and told the show’s executives that Earthquake couldn’t act. Earthquake went on to say that he informed his costar of his inexperience right off the bat and that the reason he wanted her on the show was so that she could help him learn the ropes. However, instead of helping him out, she went right to the top of the food chain and got the whole deal thrown out. Earthquake commented that his plan was to follow the map created by Jerry “Steinfeld,” another standup who had an amazing sitcom career after he figured out how to act. Howard pointed out that even though he understood Earthquake’s pain, he loved the fact that he thought Jerry’s last name was Steinfeld.

Howard told Earthquake that he believes his career is about to blow up. Howard added that he was so confident in Earthquake’s ability that in three years he’ll be divorcing a white woman. Earthquake responded that a ton of people have been approaching him since Howard started playing his clips, so he thanked him for his support.

Howard reported that despite his efforts, he was unable to get any SIRIUS executives on the phone to talk about his farting idea. Howard then said he might be the first person to ever get fired from satellite radio for crossing the indecency line. Artie pointed out that the executives may have thought Howard was kidding with the idea, so they didn’t bother calling back. However, Robin noted that couldn’t have been the case, because the scroll on Douche 100 now reads: “Farters coming soon.”