ANGRY ELLIOT OFFEN
The Howard Stern Show for March 2, 2006

Howard spent some time early in the show discussing the large amount of positive press this lawsuit has been getting. He played some of the clips from yesterday. In the first clip, from “The O’Reilly Factor,” an expert referred to the lawsuit as “ridiculous” and “a vendetta gone wild.” Howard then played a clip of Judge Andrew Napolitano from Fox News, who suggested that Howard will not only win the case, but, according to the Judge, should also consider filing a counterclaim against CBS as well. In another clip, a criminal defense attorney appearing on “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” noted that he didn’t see any merit in the suit and that, in his opinion, Howard will likely win the case before it ever goes to trial.

Next, Howard played a clip of Jack Thompson, a lawyer in Florida who believes his actions against Howard actually helped force him off of terrestrial radio, on “The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch,” acknowledging that CBS doesn’t have a case and that the company had the opportunity to dump any discussions Howard had about SIRIUS while he was on their airwaves.

While Lisa G. was in the studio to discuss today’s edition of The Howard 100 News, she brought up that Artie’s vending machine will soon be stocked with more of his favorite products and that Devil Dogs will be added to the machine as well. Artie replied that he was given a box of Devil Dogs yesterday, but that he’s already finished them all. This led Howard to mention Julio Franco, a 47-year-old professional baseball player who’s been making news as of late because of the strict health regimen he follows. Howard pointed out that, according to stories he’s read, Julio eats about 5,000 calories a day and works out like crazy. Artie added that Julio is one of the best hitters of his generation and that he looks like he’s 22 years old.

To illustrate how he received more FCC attention while he was on terrestrial radio than anyone else on FCC regulated airwaves, Howard said that he had a clip from “The Tyra Banks Show” that he never would’ve been able to air before coming to SIRIUS. In the clip, Sue Johanson, a woman someone described as “a crusty, old sex expert,” commented that penis size doesn’t matter, because women achieve orgasm through “clitoral stimulation,” which she added is often done through “oral-genital sex.” Sue went on to say that some women think they’re “peeing the bed” when they orgasm, even though she explained the liquid is actually “g-spot fluid.” Throughout the discussion, the studio audience laughed at and applauded the things Sue said.

Howard announced that he’s already started his entry for next month’s Howard Stern Film Festival and Robin said she has an idea for her movie as well. When Howard added that he saw JD filming his movie yesterday, Robin pointed out that she thinks she’s actually in JD’s project informing him how bad it will be. Howard again pointed out that there are no boundaries for the subject matter of people’s entries for the festival as long as they have some connection to the show.

Howard went on to say that highlights from his SIRIUS broadcasts will start being shown on Howard TV in a few weeks, and will include the women – and “man” – who’ve ridden the Sybian, as well as a drunken Henry Hill, his press tour, the construction of his studio and footage of his surprise birthday party. Howard added that it’s an exciting time for him, and that even the lawsuit is helping him because it’s attracting new subscribers to SIRIUS.

When the topic of “American Idol” came up, Gary commented that he can’t stand listening to Paula Abdul anymore. Gary explained that, not only does Paula never criticize the contestants, but she has started telling even the truly bad ones that they’re destined for stardom. Howard then pointed out that Paula copies everything Randy Jackson says, before adding that he doesn’t find her all that intelligent. To prove his point, Howard said that, during last night’s show, Randy commented on one of the singer’s falsettos and that Paula then made a remark about the contestant’s “false thing.” This led Gary to note that Randy has turned into a caricature of a black person and that Howard’s impression of black people is more believable than his.

Robin mentioned that she was listening to “The Intern Show” last night, and that she learned through Chris, who operates the boom mic during the show’s Thursday meetings, that Fred mumbles to himself nonstop during the sessions. Howard responded that he’s noticed Fred’s habit in the past and that there have been times he’s had to turn off Fred’s mic because he mumbles during the show as well. Fred promised Howard that he tries to keep his mumbling down, but that it’s like Tourette’s Syndrome, so he doesn’t have complete control of it.

Howard read a number of e-mails from listeners who loved Tuesday’s premiere of “The Better Half.” This led Howard to say that he was surprised to find out earlier in the week that Artie bought an engagement ring for Dana and planned to give it to her over Christmas vacation before eventually deciding not to go through with it. Artie replied that he didn’t actually buy Dana a ring, but instead purchased a diamond from a guy he used to work with “at the port.” Artie then admitted that the diamond was “loose” when he brought it with him on his vacation with Dana in December.

Artie went on to say that he didn’t want to commit to the idea of marriage by getting the diamond set and joked that he planned on promising Dana he’d get it set if she liked it and agreed to marry him. Artie also commented that he got his money back for the diamond and that he’ll “do it right” if he really proposes to Dana in the future.

Howard had Mr. Skin into the studio to announce the winners of this year’s “Anatomy Awards.” Before revealing the names, though, Mr. Skin noted that he thinks we will start to see more nudity in movies because of the box office success of “The Wedding Crashers” and “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” both of which, he said, contained a good amount of skin. Artie responded that he took a cue from the movies Mr. Skin mentioned and that there is a good amount of nudity in his upcoming film, “Beer League.” However, Artie acknowledged that the only “semi-famous” breasts in the picture are his.

The following are this year’s “Anatomy Awards” categories that were discussed this morning, as well as their winners:
• Best See-Through Top: Pam Anderson from “Comedy Central’s Roast of Pam Anderson.” Mr. Skin explained that the lights at the roast allowed viewers to see through Pam’s top, which was the reason she was given the honor. Howard added that Robin had the same thing happen to her once when a photographer’s flash revealed her nipples.

• Best Full-Frontal Nudity Scene: Alexis Dziena from “Broken Flowers.” Mr. Skin commented that Alexis’ nude scene lasted for close to 20 seconds and that it’s rare for an American actress to be nude for that long. Upon seeing a still of the scene, Howard noted that he liked Alexis’ natural breasts, and that she looked extremely attractive.

• Best Buns: Jessica Alba from “Into the Blue.” Mr. Skin explained that he used to have a rule that the winner in this category had to show her “crack,” but that he had to make an exception for Jessica’s underwater bikini scene in the movie. After Artie pointed out that he thinks Jessica’s “the sexiest thing going,” Howard joked that he was upset that Mr. Skin disregarded his “crack” rule this year. Howard went on to say that, now that total nudity isn’t needed to win in the category, women might start wearing thongs instead of being completely naked, knowing they may still take home the prize.

• Best Nip Slip: Debra Messing in “The Wedding Date.” Mr. Skin noted that Jessica Alba appeared to show her nipples in “Into the Blue,” but that, after he did his research, he discovered it was actually Jessica’s body double in that scene. Mr. Skin went on to say that Debra’s slip in “The Wedding Date” happens quickly, but that, since his “Mr. Skin Laboratory” staff dissects movies frame-by-frame, he was able to get the shot onto his site.

• Best Interracial Nude Scene: Jennifer Esposito and Don Cheadle in “Crash.”

• Best Bikini: Jessica Simpson from “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

• Best Breasts: Carla Gugino in “Sin City”

• Best DVD for Nudity: “The 40-Year-Old Virgin”

• Worst-Looking Nude Celebrity: Mr. Skin admitted that he feels badly for having this category because he thinks it discourages nudity, but he gave the title to Tatum O’Neal. Fred agreed with Mr. Skin’s pick, adding that, to him, it looks like Tatum has “two potatoes on her chest.”

• Best Lesbian Scene: Juliette Marquis and Cheyenne Silver in “This Girl’s Life.” Mr. Skin said that, although this movie features the porn star, Cheyenne, James Woods is also in it, and that it’s rated R. Mr. Skin went on to say that he recommends “This Girls Life” because “the lesbo action is really hot.”

• Best Picture for Nudity: “Where the Truth Lies.” Mr. Skin reported that this movie, which stars Kevin Bacon and Colin Firth, has “tons and tons of nudity,” and is perfect for anyone who’s “a fan of hot young babes.”

Fred asked Mr. Skin who he thinks has the best breasts in Hollywood today. Mr. Skin responded that he’d award the honor to Angelina Jolie, although, to him, Halle Berry and Jennifer Love Hewitt aren’t far behind. Fred then pointed out that he’s a fan of the newest Bond girl, Eva Green. Mr. Skin acknowledged that Eva does have nice breasts and noted that she has a number of nude scenes in “The Dreamers.” Fred added that he’s seen a side shot of Eva naked and that her breasts “hang like little pendulums.”

Howard asked Mr. Skin what he tells his kids he does for a living and he replied that, since one of his children is only 22 months old and the other is just 5 months old, he still has time to figure out what he’ll say when the situation arises. Mr. Skin added that he has more than 40 employees working at his website, and that he has done “quite well” financially from it.

When Elliott Offen came into the studio, he immediately informed Howard that he was pronouncing his last name incorrectly before telling Robin that he wants to forget her and her “c*nt face.” Howard then commented that, as opposed to his usual feminine clothing, Elliott was instead wearing sneakers and pants that had one leg rolled up. Elliott replied that he was showing off his “bulging muscles” with his pants style, before demanding that he get to make the first statement, and that if he was interrupted during it, he’d walk out. Elliott then noted that he likes Howard as a person, but that he had issues with him. Elliott went on to say that Howard got divorced, was fired by Clear Channel and is now being sued and that he’s going to end up in a nursing home soon.

As Howard attempted to respond to Elliott’s statement, Elliott began yelling at him while also calling Robin “c*nt face” several more times. Elliott then announced that he was leaving and proceeded to walk out of the studio before Howard could ask him about the car accident that ended up killing a pedestrian.

Gary, who pointed out that he couldn’t put on the headphones Elliott had been wearing because they were so oily, explained that he had a deal with Elliott, whereby Elliott was supposed to talk about his traffic accident this morning and then come back for another appearance in three weeks to promote his latest DVD. Howard responded that he wanted to give Elliott a chance to tell his side of the story about the incident, but that Elliott instead assumed he was going to attack him. Mike Piazza, the reporter from The Howard 100 News who’s been covering Elliott’s saga since it began in December, mentioned that there were four witnesses to the accident and that investigators are still trying to sort out all the details. Mike added, though, that, as of now, the woman’s death is officially being called an accident.

Howard said that he got word that both Sal and Richard had both defecated in their pants this morning. The dirty duo came into the studio and Richard explained that he hadn’t been able to eat solid foods for a while because of work he had done on his teeth recently and that he lost control of his bowels this morning when he ate a piece of cake. Sal then noted that he “let out a really long, wet fart” a short time later and that some solids ended up coming out with it. Sal went on to say that he didn’t throw away his boxers, but instead cleaned them with toilet paper. After Richard admitted that he hadn’t taken off his soiled underwear either, they both showed Howard their proof. Upon seeing the dirty underwear, Howard said that Richard’s underwear was worse than Sal’s, but Sal commented that was only because he was wearing plaid boxers and the marks weren’t that visible because of it.

Mike Walker of The National Enquirer called in for his weekly round of “The Gossip Game.” According to the game’s rules, Mike tells four Hollywood gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then guesses which report is the imposter. Mike offered the following stories this morning:

(1) A bouncer wouldn’t allow Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” fame into a party held by Prince and ended up pepper spraying Joe when he wouldn’t leave.

(2) Tennis star, Serena Williams had liposuction performed on her thighs.

(3) Madonna recommended to Kelly Clarkson that she adopt a healthier lifestyle to help her lose some weight.

(4) While eating at a restaurant, Britney Spears changed her son’s dirty diaper on her table in front of all the other patrons.

While Howard picked the Madonna report as the fake one, Artie, Fred and Robin all thought that Story Four was made up, largely because Mike took so long to explain it. However, Mike told Artie, Fred and Robin that they shouldn’t have based their opinions on his wording and that Howard picked the correct story.

When George Flowers came into the studio to give an update on the stories The Howard 100 News will be following today, he was carrying a basket filled with the treats Artie usually gets from his infamous vending machine. George noted that the food items in the basket were representative of what Artie consumes from the machine on a weekly basis, and that they contained 18,300 calories and that one-third of that total was fat. However, Artie pointed out that he didn’t think the figure was accurate, because he saw fruit pies in the basket and he claimed he never eats those. George then subtracted the calories of the fruit pies from his number, and said that Artie still gets 13,000 calories every week just from his vending-machine diet.

George proceeded to announce that some people at SIRIUS meet on a regular basis to talk about their diets and that Artie is invited to attend their get-togethers. Artie admitted that he wants to lose weight, but added that he wasn’t sure if joining George’s diet group will do him any good. Howard then noted that he wants the group to start airing its meetings on Howard 100, a suggestion George said he’d be willing to try.