PROGRESS REPORT
The Howard Stern Show for April 4, 2006

Howard kicked off the show announcing that Artie bet the whole $8,200 he’d won to date on the NCAA Tournament on the over of the 128 over-under line in last night’s championship game between Florida and UCLA, and that he won. Gary said the combined score of the game was just 130 points, so he wondered what Artie’s reaction was when the final two points were scored. Artie responded that he fell asleep with 10 minutes left in the game, but discovered that the final basket was scored with just 38 seconds left. Artie added that he didn’t actually put up all $8,200 on the contest, but only $7,700 instead. Because of this, Artie figured that he’ll collect $15,200 from his friend in Vegas, which he noted was the most he’d ever won on the NCAA Tournament.

Howard thought Artie’s biggest vice was betting and Artie admitted that “money won is better than money earned.” Artie insisted, though, that the end of the tournament represented “closure” for his gambling – for now, even though Howard was convinced that Artie wouldn’t stop betting until he lost all his winnings.

Howard mentioned that a friend of his told him recently that his biggest addiction was being a workaholic, which Howard acknowledged was true. Howard explained that the only time he didn’t overwork himself was when he first started dating after his divorce. Howard said that, at the time, he had “a rotation of women going” and that he dedicated the majority of his effort and time into that as opposed to the program. When Howard went on to insist that he used to “blow off” work when he was trying to get women, Gary commented that Howard’s idea of “blowing off work” meant not working between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. as he usually does.

Howard brought up that Richard’s dad sent him jerky last week and he had a tape of Richard vomiting after eating it. Following the clip, Richard told Howard that the jerky was store-bought, but acknowledged that he didn’t know how old it was. Richard added that he knew he could’ve gotten jerky in New York, but, since he appreciated the gesture, he wanted to eat what his parents sent.

Artie then commented that a man who attended Richard’s birthday party last week claimed that Richard spent the night trying to grab the guy’s ass, an allegation Richard admitted was true. When Howard pointed out that such an action suggested that Richard had homosexual tendencies, Robin reminded him of the gay-themed message Richard left last year on Will’s voicemail. Richard responded that he’s currently living with Will until his own apartment is ready on May 1, and that he often hears Will and his girlfriend having sex. Artie wondered if Richard pretends to be Will or Will’s girlfriend when he listens in on their sessions, but Richard wouldn’t answer him.

Before he left the studio, Richard noted that he’ll be submitting two entries into this month’s Howard Stern Film Festival. Although Howard responded that he was sure his movie will win the celebrity-submission portion of the festival, JD warned him that he finished his film as well and that everyone will be facing “stiff competition” from his entry.

Gary said that he watched a making-of special about Rosie O’Donnell’s new HBO show, “Cruise for Gay Families” and was surprised that he found it “riveting.” Howard responded that he actually likes the out-of-the-closet Rosie, explaining that she’s “edgy” and now lashes out at celebrities on her blog. Howard went on to say that Rosie has also been pushing for the rights of gay couples to adopt children, but that she’s facing obstacles. In fact, Howard recalled that Sean Hannity told him during the interview he did with him last month that he’s one of the people against homosexuals adopting children.

Howard then reported that Sean also said to him that he knows Rush Limbaugh personally and that, since Rush is “fun,” he thought he and Rush would like each other if they ever hung out. However, Gary commented that he used to live in the same building as Rush and, whenever they were in the elevator together, “fun” wasn’t one of the words that came into his mind to describe him.

Howard played a clip of Page 69, which is the show gossip segment hosted by Jason and Will that airs on The Howard 100 News. In the segment, Jason reported that “half of the people” who received Visa Check Cards as Christmas presents from Robin, claimed that their gifts “didn’t work,” so they essentially “got nothing” from her. Robin replied that she didn’t know some of the recipients of her present were having trouble with the cards, but that, since she already paid for them, she wasn’t benefiting from their malfunction.

In the next clip, Will mentioned that Artie wasn’t happy with the Dana jokes Sal made during Daniel Carver’s roast last week and that Artie confronted him about it afterward. Artie responded to the story by claiming that he approached Sal in a joking manner, but went on to admit that Dana was upset with a couple of Sal’s remarks during his routine. After Artie admitted that he also told Dana that Sal has to resort to such humor because he’s “a hack,” Howard pointed out that Sal’s still wearing the Viagra ring he gave him yesterday. Howard added that Sal likes the ring so much that he’s telling everyone that the “HS” engraved in it – which stands for Howard Stern – actually means “Howard and Sal.”

Scott DePace came into the studio and announced that he was one of the recipients of Robin’s Visa Check Cards who couldn’t use his gift. Scott noted that, when he found out the card wouldn’t work, he contacted the company, and was told the card should be functional within the next two months. After Scott commented that the card was worth $250, Howard pointed out that was a generous amount that Robin gave to everyone.

Howard played a message Crazy Alice left with the show in regard to the on-air call Jessica Hahn made to Howard last week. In the tape, Alice told Howard that Jessica wouldn’t give him “the time of day” if he weren’t rich, before referring to Artie as “a fat f’ ” and calling Robin “a fat, f’ing n*gger.” Despite Alice’s remarks about Artie and Robin, Howard pointed out that he caught the worst of Alice’s tirade, explaining that she suggested in her call that the only reason he’s able to attract women is because of his money. Howard added, though, that the reason why many men want to earn as much money as they can is to offer something to women that good-looking people can’t.

Robin commented that Mr. X was taking boating lessons with her, but that he’s still injecting his personality when he accompanies her. To illustrate her point, Robin recalled that, after her instructor, Capt. Dennis, recently gave a lesson and asked if they had any questions about operating a boat, Mr. X asked him what a “knot” was. Robin reported that Capt. Dennis responded that a knot translates to about 1.65 miles per hour, but then called her later that night to say that his definition was wrong, and that a knot is only 1.15 miles per hour. Howard then noted that, since Capt. Dennis seems to be putting so much time into helping Robin learn how to operate her boat, he thought she should consider giving him a Visa Check Card.

After playing a clip of Artie calling into Scott Ferrall’s show last night to discuss the NCAA Championship, Howard said that he spent yesterday afternoon avoiding paparazzi. Howard reported that he noticed a man was following him in his car while Ronnie the Limo Driver was taking him to the gym, and that the guy was “running red lights” to keep pace with them. Howard then said the guy stood outside his gym “for hours” while he was inside the building, but that, after his workout, he decided to talk to the guy. Howard mentioned that the man claimed to be a photographer from the New York Post, so he agreed to let him take some pictures. However, Howard added that the man continued to follow him when he got back in his limo, and Ronnie ended up pulling over to find out what he wanted. Howard said the photographer told Ronnie he needed more pictures of him, before demanding that Howard smile and give “the thumbs up” sign.

Howard noted that he wasn’t smiling in the pictures the photographer took because he wasn’t in a good mood, and went on to say that he “never does the thumbs up.” Howard also commented that more photographers were waiting outside his apartment when he arrived there and he allowed them to take pictures as well. Upon hearing the story, Robin responded that at least all the attention proved that Howard is, in fact, an A-list celebrity.

Artie said that he impulsively bought a guitar and amp yesterday and that he spent the afternoon “making noise” in his apartment. This led Howard to recall that he took lessons when he got his first guitar when he was in college, before recommending that Artie do the same thing. Howard added that he doesn’t practice playing much anymore, although his youngest daughter has recently expressed interest in learning how to play. Howard also pointed out that Artie should’ve asked him for a guitar before he purchased one, explaining that he has a collection of 30 guitars that guests have given him over the years. Howard then told Artie that he keeps a couple of his guitars wrapped in the $1,200 Neil Young picture he gave him for Christmas a few years back.

Robin brought up that she’s been reading about people who suffer from a so-called porn addiction, which led Howard to say that he has a collection of about 30 adult DVDs of his own. After admitting that he does “a little dance” when he’s about to watch one of his movies, Howard pointed out that his collection is so well-hidden that no one would be able to find it. Howard then remembered that, when he was younger, he used to look at the pornography his father had in his stash and Artie acknowledged that he used to look at his dad’s collection as well. Artie also noted that, before his father died, he had a conversation with him about how he used to look at his porn. Artie recalled that, during their talk, after he asked his father if he was upset with him for having looked at his collection, his dad replied that he would’ve been more upset if he wasn’t interested in it.

Howard had a woman named Alison, a former guest who promised she’d lose weight when she made her first appearance at KROCK, back in the studio this morning. Alison told Howard that he originally wanted her to lose 29 pounds, but he insisted that he actually demanded she drop 39 pounds. Alison then noted that she used to weigh 159 pounds and that, in the past year, she’s been able to drop 18 of those pounds. Alison went on to mention that the first 10 pounds she lost were easy, but that it wasn’t until she stopped drinking in January that she was able to shed the final eight. Upon seeing her, Artie asked Alison if she was drinking mayonnaise at her top weight.

As Alison began disrobing, Gary noted that her stomach looked flat, but Howard said he wanted to see her naked before he offered his opinion. Howard then commented, once Alison was naked, that she “lost some of the saddlebags on her sides,” and that her stomach and breasts looked great, as he thought they did before. Howard also mentioned that Alison’s rear end looked “better,” but that she needed to get on the scale so he could see if she’d actually lost as much weight as she claimed.

Before she stepped on the scale, Alison told Howard that, as of March 26th, she weighed 138 pounds, but it was revealed that today she weighed in at 142 pounds. Howard proceeded to tell Alison that her thighs and rear end were “still lumpy,” and that she should aim at reaching the 125 pound-plateau. Howard added that Alison was on the verge of being “extremely hot,” but that she needed to make “big changes” on the bottom half of her body.

Alison announced that her husband was in the green room and he wanted to come into the studio to meet Howard. After Howard granted Alison’s request, her husband said that he’s a police officer, before also mentioning that one of his best friends was responsible for one of the “Cops” tazing clips that’s been made famous on the show. When Howard asked Alison’s husband if his wife ever tosses his salad, Artie commented that, from his viewpoint, she “wasn’t tossing enough salad.” Alison’s husband then presented Howard with a shirt and a replica of his badge before noting that it was his wife’s idea to lose weight and that he had nothing to do with her decision.

Howard commented that High Pitch Eric was supposed to be on the show this morning for a bikini wax, but that he canceled at the last minute. Since Eric chickened out and the woman who waxed Richard in January was already booked, Howard said he offered to give the $20,000 103” flat screen television set he has to give away to any employee who would go through with the waxing instead. However, Howard said that no one was willing to go through with his offer, because nobody wanted to have his penis exposed on camera. This led Howard to say that, since he had just urinated, he wasn’t overly embarrassed by the size of his penis at that moment. However, Howard also noted that he knew his penis would shrivel within moments, so he knew his condition wouldn’t last. When Howard added that he was surprised the Statue of David was given such a small penis, Artie responded that he felt it would’ve been “weird” if Michelangelo had sculpted him “hard.”

Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard that she’d been crying ever since she heard Crazy Alice’s remarks about her this morning. Jessica explained that she didn’t appreciate being accused of only wanting men for their money, but Howard told her she was overreacting. Howard went on to explain that he knew at a young age that he wasn’t going to be able to get girls with his looks, so he had to figure out other ways to attract them. Howard added that he’s never cared how he’s gotten the girls he has, just as long as he got them. After Robin pointed out that, to her, men are attracted to women for their looks while women like men for their power, Howard again told Jessica to not take Crazy Alice’s words so seriously.

Howard reported that he ate pasta fagioli for dinner last night and that it caused him to have gas later on while in bed with Beth. Howard said that, in order to be courteous to Beth, he went into the bathroom before passing wind for the first time, but that he ended up letting out more gas while he was in bed. Howard then noted that Beth told him he “smelled like diarrhea,” before repeating “Oh my God” whenever he passed more wind.

Howard then acknowledged that he’s had to defecate at other places than just his apartment as of late, including a recent time when he was at a friend’s house. Artie responded that, about five years ago, he had the same problem while visiting his manager, and that he had to use his towels to wipe himself because he didn’t like the kind of toilet paper his manager had. Artie added that he had to sneak into his manager’s kitchen to find a garbage bag to get rid of the towels, but also assured everyone that his manager could definitely afford to buy replacements for the towels he ruined.

Dr. Leslie Armstrong, the host of “Meet the Shrink,” called in to report that she did “a wild show” last night with her guest patient, Riley Martin. After hearing this, Howard asked Dr. Armstrong if she’s ever had sex with any of her patients, but she said she hasn’t. Dr. Armstrong went on to admit that she’s been attracted to some of her patients, but that, given her position of power over them, she’s never acted on her urges. Benjy then commented that he found Dr. Armstrong “really sexy” when he met her and could tell she was “a player.”

High Pitch Eric got on the line to talk about a recent session he had with Dr. Armstrong and Howard thanked him for backing out of the waxing he was scheduled to do this morning. Eric replied that he got in touch with Will days ago about the second thoughts he was having about the procedure. However, Will came into the studio and told Howard that Eric didn’t give him much notice at all about his cancellation, claiming that he received an e-mail last night letting him know that he wasn’t coming in.

Dr. Armstrong then mentioned that, during her time with Eric, they discussed his attempt to lose weight, but, upon returning from a lunch break, she discovered him eating 15 cupcakes. Since Dr. Armstrong had said complimentary things about Artie, Benjy and Jeff the Drunk’s looks in the past, Howard wondered what she found attractive about Eric, but she couldn’t come up with anything. Dr. Armstrong went on to tell Howard that she was naked while talking to him, but insisted that her state of undress wasn’t a subliminal message to him.

Despite the comments Benjy made about Dr. Armstrong’s looks, Sal informed Howard that, in his opinion, she was far from good looking. To back up Sal’s feelings, Gary got on his intercom and admitted that, when it came to Dr. Armstrong’s appearance, he felt that Benjy was “in love.” When Howard commented that Sal seemed to be bitter toward Dr. Armstrong, he admitted that he was, accusing her of having written some negative remarks about him on the Stern Fan Network, which was an accusation Dr. Armstrong denied.

Howard proceeded to insist that Sal sit in with Dr. Armstrong for an episode of “Meet the Shrink,” but Sal replied he’d do it only if she wore a burka. However, Sal eventually agreed to sit in with Dr. Armstrong, as did Artie. Jeff the Drunk then called in and announced he was “off the couch,” though, explaining that he didn’t like the way Dr. Armstrong recently cancelled an appointment he had with her.