SYBIAN HIGHS AND LOWS
The Howard Stern Show for April 19, 2006

Howard began the show mentioning Doug Goodstein has been receiving criticism from members of The Howard 100 News because they weren’t invited to next week’s film festival. Howard explained he doesn’t like leaving any of his employees out of such events, but, because of his busy schedule, he needs people like Doug to make sure everyone is included. Robin added people have also been giving her a hard time about how much money she and Fred spent for their entry into the festival. Artie said he filmed his part yesterday for Robin and Fred’s movie and thought their budget was higher than some of the studio films he’s done in the past. Howard went on to assure Robin and Fred that he didn’t care what their budget for their film was as long as they enter a good movie at the festival.

As Gary was talking about his experience yesterday with Robin’s film – which included his entire office shaking while Nicole Bass was jumping up and down in the hallway – Howard noted that Benjy was late for the second straight day. Once he was situated, Howard asked Benjy what time he should start the show each morning in order to better accommodate his schedule, before pointing out his tardiness might be a sign that he subconsciously wants to be fired. Benjy insisted, though, he “loves” working for Howard and was “really embarrassed and sorry” for being late again. Benjy added he woke up on time this morning, but ended up going back to sleep, which he said caused his lateness.

Howard told Benjy he disrupts the program when he walks into the studio during the middle of a segment and, if he’s ever late again, he should wait until a commercial break before coming in. JD told Benjy he gives Richard a wake-up call at 3:45 a.m. on a regular basis and he’d be willing to do the same thing for him if he was interested. Ronnie the Limo Driver also entered the studio and announced Benjy used to show up for work right at 6 a.m. when they were on KROCK and figured he did it just to draw attention to himself. After hearing this, Howard informed Benjy he was “infantilized” and he would be forced to take action if his behavior continued.

Howard brought up the fact that the negative spin in the press about the number of subscribers SIRIUS has is continuing to surface, noting that one reporter out of Washington, D.C. really upset him. Howard then played a clip of the broadcaster, who, after his co-anchor predicted that Howard’s effect on the number of people who join the service will begin to taper off, said he “would hope so.” Howard said Sal called the reporter who made the comment and his response to Sal’s inquiry exposed just how little the so-called experts actually know.

Sal explained that the reporter’s reply to his question was: “I can guarantee you I did not do any research to come to that conclusion. I think I was just talking off the top of my head.” After Howard played another clip of talk show hosts claiming SIRIUS hasn’t attracted as many people as its execs had wanted, he pointed out the comments weren’t true. To illustrate his point, Howard said, at 4 million subscribers, SIRIUS has 1 million more listeners at the current time than the company heads had predicted.

To back up his argument further, Howard mentioned that Jacobs Media, which he explained is a radio research company with a vested interest in the success of terrestrial radio, recently announced that one-third of the population is likely to buy high-definition radios in the future. However, Howard added when the same publication wrote about his move to SIRIUS, their headline read, two-thirds of his former audience wasn’t likely to join him at satellite, which Howard noted was just an attempt to make him look bad. Howard also commented that high-definition radio is terrestrial radio’s response to satellite radio, but will still feature the same watered-down content and large number of commercials as regular radio, just with clearer sound quality.

Howard said Beth’s revelation yesterday of how much she was offered to appear on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” made the news this morning because of how low the total was. Howard then reported that Beth was still making up her mind whether she’ll be on the show and the dance lesson she scheduled to take next week will help make up her mind. Howard went on to say if he were asked to be on “Dancing with the Stars,” he’d show up to the set and act like he knew how to dance even if he didn’t. However, when Howard demonstrated how he’d fake his way through the “quick step,” Robin insisted he wasn’t doing it correctly. This led Robin to come out of her booth and teach Howard the move, which she explained involved two people “hopping across the room.” Following Robin’s lesson, Howard admitted the “quick step” was more difficult than he thought it’d be.

Howard took a call from Mel Feit, who started an organization called the National Center for Men which is designed to give men legal rights when it comes to unwanted pregnancies. Mel explained, while women are allowed to decide whether or not they have abortions, men don’t have any say on the matter, a law he and his group are trying to change. Mel added he thinks people should be able to have sex “without making a baby,” but, as the law stands now, men don’t have that option.

Mel got the idea for the National Center for Men years ago when a man was told by his sexual partner he didn’t need to wear a condom during one of their sessions because she was on birth control. However, Mel added the woman lied to her partner, and, once she became pregnant, refused to either have an abortion or place the baby up for adoption. Mel then said his organization is representing the man in court against his former partner, because he now owes the woman close to $200,000 in back child support for a baby he told her from the start he didn’t want and was assured he wouldn’t have.

Although Howard, Fred and Artie backed up Mel’s cause, Robin pointed out the discussion they were having was “heinous.” Robin defended her remark by saying the men who don’t want to take part in the lives of the children they helped create are essentially abandoning their kids and Mel’s organization is legitimizing their stance. Robin added that most people who have sex don’t have discussions about children before they engage in the act, so, if the women in these circumstances do become pregnant, they’ll be left without any support from the men.

Howard took a number of calls from men supportive of Mel, who also mentioned he’s calling his cause Roe v. Wade For Men. Robin responded that she didn’t like the name of Mel’s fight, explaining, to her, the courts shouldn’t be involved in this argument. However, Howard pointed out that the courts were already involved because men don’t have rights on the matter and they’ve gone “completely berserk” with their power. Artie then commented when he’s with “a strange woman” there are two things he doesn’t expect her to have: an orgasm and a baby.

Porn star, Tera Patrick came into the studio and immediately asked Howard when he and Beth will be releasing a sex tape of their own. Since Tera’s an expert on the subject of adult films, Howard wondered how much he and Beth could get for such a video. Tera figured Howard and Beth could get “millions of dollars” if they did a sex tape, which Artie thought was how much Paris Hilton got for her video. Howard then pointed out if he did release such a video, he’d want Tera in it with him and Beth.

Howard went on to say he would orally pleasure both Beth and Tera in the tape, to which Tera commented she’s been getting good at the practice herself. Tera explained when she uses her mouth on a woman, she concentrates on what she would want to have done to herself and then does that to her partner. Tera added she once had to turn away a co-star in a movie because she “caught a whiff” of her private area and the girl replied she was merely “having an off day.”

Tera noted she and her husband have lifted their ban on having sex with other people, claiming being with other people in films has actually helped their marriage. Tera then said she recently saw Jessica Alba at a party, but was too nervous in her presence to make a move on her. Tera added Lindsay Lohan, who was also at the party, was jealous of the attention Tera was getting, and wouldn’t even say hello to her because of it. This led Gary to point out Tera’s movies have probably out-grossed Lindsay’s films, which made Howard wonder how much money Tera gets per picture. Tera replied she couldn’t really give an accurate answer, though, because she makes most of her money through her ownership of her movies.

Tera announced she has a new movie, “Teradise Island,” coming out in June. Although Howard said he felt like the title meant the movie has “too much plot,” Tera informed him that wasn’t the case. In fact, Tera noted the film is very light on plot and the only theme in it is anal sex. Tera went on to mention she had her first on-screen anal experience in the film, which she admitted was awkward for her. Tera then explained she regularly engages in anal sex with her husband, but, unlike in “Teradise Island,” she can be in any position in her private life. Tera also commented she requested her anal scenes in “Teradise Island” be shot in the morning and, to avoid any potential problems, took two enemas and didn’t eat any breakfast before them.

Tera revealed she smokes pot “three or four times a day” and also regularly has sex with women. Tera recalled her last lesbian encounter was with a co-star from one of her films, who she invited to her house to smoke weed after “work.” Tera acknowledged, though, after 15 minutes of kissing and touching, she and the other woman went all the way. Because of the story and her life in porn, Howard asked Tera if she felt the fact her mother left her at such a young age had anything to do with her lifestyle. After Tera admitted it did, Howard pointed out having been abandoned seemed to have turned Tera into “a guy” based on her free-thinking about sex.

A caller told Howard he was tired of hearing Tera talk and wanted her to get to the main reason she was in the studio: to ride the Sybian. Tera responded she has a Sybian at her home, but she wanted to test out Howard’s because her personal machine has never brought her to orgasm. As Tera was preparing for her ride, Howard pointed out that, given her recent on-screen anal debut, she should give the machine’s anal attachment a shot. However, Tera told Howard she couldn’t use the anal attachment because she didn’t have her enemas this morning.

Before Gary fired up the Sybian, Howard instructed Tera to be honest about what she was feeling during her “ride,” which she agreed to be. Once Tera was on the machine, Howard noted he liked the glitter she had on her chest, as well as the fact she was “grinding” the Sybian. Despite her enthusiasm and the fact that the Sybian was making her “really wet,” Tera told Howard she didn’t think it’d give her an orgasm. Artie then took off his shirt to give Tera a visual stimulus, which Howard thought only caused Tera to close her eyes. Howard went on to say he could tell why Tera’s mom left her seeing she was being “so difficult” while on the Sybian.

Following another unsuccessful try on the Sybian, Howard told Tera he had something that was sure to bring her to orgasm and asked her to get back on the machine. After Tera agreed and Gary turned the machine to full power, Howard mentioned to her he was a millionaire and could take her on a shopping spree at Tiffany’s. When Howard added he could also get Tera on “Dancing with the Stars,” she said she had an orgasm. Given Tera’s reaction to the news about “Dancing with the Stars,” Howard pointed out Beth should seriously consider accepting that offer.

Howard played a clip of Riley Martin calling into the show to request tickets to the film festival. In the tape, Riley, who was addressing Howard, said, “Look, big guy, please send me four tickets to the film fest and what have you,” before also asking if he could be a judge of the film festival. This led Howard to mention people like Riley should be included on the red carpet event prior to the festival, and Doug Goodstein assured him all the main Wack Packers were invited to attend and be a part of the festivities. Doug added, however, next year’s film festival will need to be held at a bigger venue than next week’s event, explaining it’s become “the hottest ticket” in the city.

Howard commented he heard four new Baba Booey songs yesterday while in Gary’s presence and he couldn’t help but stare at Gary’s nails while listening to the tunes. Howard reported that Gary’s nails are long and groomed meticulously, so he can’t help but look at them whenever he’s in their presence. Gary insisted he doesn’t get his nails manicured, but did admit that he does need to trim them. As Fred played the newest Baba Booey songs, Howard noted he was watching Gary through his monitor and Sal was dancing alongside him while wearing a mask with giant lips.

Jay Thomas came into the studio and Howard thanked him for the shirt he recently sent him. Jay explained he owns 5 percent of the clothing company that made the shirt and added he didn’t have to put up much of his own cash to buy his share. Howard then wondered what it’s like for Jay to do his SIRIUS show with co-hosts who were in different locations than him. Jay described how one of his co-hosts broadcasts out of New York and the other out of Chicago, he does his portion of the show from Los Angeles. Jay added he used to broadcast right out of his house, but ended up moving into a studio near his home because his wife constantly interrupted his show to ask him questions while he was on the air. Jay also said he and his out-of-studio co-hosts had to get their timing down, but, once they did, were able to do their show as if they were in the same location.

Jay claimed he’s had the ability to hear voices of the dead throughout his life, and his mother recently came to him while he was in Belize. Jay reported he was at a slot machine at the time and, because he was so upset about her passing, asked his mom to show a sign she was there. Jay then noted he immediately heard his mom say, “I don’t know how to get in the machine and do it,” which he explained was exactly the kind of thing she would say because of her inability to use machinery when she was alive. Jay added he won 10 Belizean dollars from the slot machine right after hearing from his mom.

Jay said his mom owned a plantation, but she wasn’t a racist. Instead, Jay commented his mom “didn’t understand when the environment changed” in regard to race relations and that she didn’t discriminate against anyone. To prove he followed in his mother’s footsteps of not being a racist, Jay reported he thought Hurricane Katrina did a good job of “cleaning up” the “bad people” who used to live in New Orleans – regardless of their race.

Howard said he wanted to be more like Jay, who he thought was always out “having fun.” Jay then told Howard he went to a bar just last night and ran into Jerry Seinfeld, Matthew Broderick and David Schwimmer. However, Jay said he approached Jerry and Matthew, who were standing together, but they both shunned him, especially because he decided to act really drunk when he said hello to them. When Jay claimed that David wouldn’t even shake his hand, Robin pointed out hearing such stories is the reason she’ll never be “a people person.”

Jay commented he enjoys his show on SIRIUS, which airs from 2-5 p.m. on Stars Channel 102, but, since he doesn’t have the same deal with the company as Howard, he hasn’t ruled out one day making a return to terrestrial radio. Jay added he sometimes has celebrities on his program, but he devotes most of his on-air time to “weirdoes.”

After Jay mentioned some of his recent guests, Howard asked him if he had any other examples of speaking to the dead. Jay replied he was on a beach in the Bahamas shortly after his father died decades ago and, when he tried to contact his dad, “the clouds parted” and “a ray of light” covered him. Jay recalled he was so scared by the occurrence he ran straight from the beach into his hotel room.

Nicole Bass, who was at SIRIUS because she’s one of the stars of Robin and Fred’s entry to the film festival, stopped into the studio. Upon seeing Nicole, Howard estimated she had gained 50 pounds since her last appearance, an estimate she claimed was too high. Nicole went on to explain she recently suffered from pancreatitis, which she explained prevented her from working out. Artie then advised Nicole she should try to lose the weight she had gained as quickly as possible or else she’d start to “look weird.”

Howard asked Nicole if she thought the Sybian would have any effect on her, but she insisted she’d never get on it. Howard then brought up that another of the “actresses” in Robin and Fred’s movie, Siobahn, wanted to ride the Sybian, but he wasn’t sure he could handle such a sight. However, Will came into the studio and told Howard he had to let Siobahn try out the machine because “it’d be the most disgusting thing ever.”

When Siobahn came into the studio, Howard commented she looked “vile” and like “a man in a belly shirt.” Siobahn told Howard she hasn’t had sex since her operation, but she’s been abstinent because she’s “too choosey,” not because she hasn’t had any suitors. As Siobahn took off her panties, though, Gary noted her private area looked like a cut-in-half penis that had been “opened up,” so he doubted Siobahn was turning many men away. Gary added he was putting on his beekeeper’s mask while operating the Sybian for Siobahn because he didn’t want to be associated with the event in any way.

While Siobahn was on the Sybian, she reported that it was irritating her hemorrhoids, before also pointing out that it gave her “a road rash” on her “cooter.” After Siobahn’s performance on the machine, Artie said the Sybian had “jumped a school of sharks” and Fred declared that he couldn’t even talk after what he had seen.