OCTOGENARIAN SYBIAN RIDE
The Howard Stern Show for May 9, 2006

The show started with Howard announcing the Rev. Bob Levy was sitting in for the morning. Bob commented that he watched Howard 100’s softball team play last night and had a couple stories about Artie to share. Bob first mentioned the team had to finish up a game that was called due to darkness the other day and Artie struck out to end it. Artie admitted Bob was telling the truth, but added it was a called third strike and the ball was so low it hit the plate. Bob then reported Artie had a mishap while playing shortstop and Artie noted he was embarrassed by it. Artie went on to say he fielded the first groundball that came his way without a problem, which made him think his weight gain wasn’t going to affect his play. However, Artie said when he started backpedaling to catch a popup on the next play, his “stomach started hitting his knees” and his “fat got in his eyes,” and he fell.

Artie acknowledged falling over because of his girth was “the biggest wakeup call ever,” noting he might reconsider his diet – after he finishes his current box of Devil Dogs. Artie also pointed out, though, his softball experience wasn’t all bad because he did have a single in two trips to the plate. [Softball pictures courtesy of Stern fan, Richie Hildebrand]

Artie reported Will, who was the captain of the team, wanted to “rip apart” the other team’s pitcher because of the way he laughed whenever a female member of the Howard 100 team swung and missed. This led Howard to ask which women from Howard 100 were on the team and Artie responded Penny Crone wasn’t just on the squad, but actually played catcher. Because of this, Artie added the only play that was made at the plate was when Jon Hein pushed Penny out of the way so he could field a throw from the outfield. Bob then said Howard 100 lost the game 25 to 2.

Will came into the studio and commented the girls on the team annoyed him because they were proud of themselves just for making contact with the ball. Will also said watching Artie trip on the field was like watching “a redwood falling” before admitting he didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry upon seeing it.

Howard proceeded to play the video of Artie’s mishap, which caused Artie to laugh and point out he’s never been heavier. When Howard saw the ball hit Artie in the stomach after he fell, Artie responded he didn’t feel the contact because he was too busy concentrating on his back smashing into the ground.

Artie commented the game ended at 8:30 p.m., and by the time he drove Jason home and showered, he didn’t get to bed until 11 p.m. Although Artie claimed he wasn’t tired this morning despite his late bedtime, Howard said he wasn’t in the same situation. Howard explained he stayed up last night to watch the David Blaine special, which he noted was a disappointment. Howard reported David held his breath underwater for seven minutes – two fewer minutes than he had set out to do – but he felt even that was a trick, given David’s profession as a magician. Fred replied the major trick in David’s performance was his ability to “suck everyone into thinking it was real.” Howard then played a clip of a crying David after he was removed from the tank, in which he thanked the people of New York for supporting him during his week of preparation in an outdoor aquarium in front of Lincoln Center.

Howard brought up Beth told him yesterday how good she thought Sal’s skin looked at Robin’s party and that it was because of all the makeup he was wearing. Sal came into the studio and insisted he doesn’t wear makeup, but instead uses two kinds of facial cream, including one endorsed by Kelly “Ripka.” When Howard informed Sal that Kelly’s last name was Ripa, Sal replied, “They all look the same when you bend them over.”

Howard acknowledged he could understand why Sal wore makeup in the studio because of the cameras, but he didn’t get why he had to have it on at Robin’s party. Sal again defended himself by claiming he was only wearing cream that day, and also said all men do the same thing. After Gary replied that no one in the studio wears cream, Howard asked Sal if he’s teaching his sons to follow in his cream-wearing footsteps, which prompted Sal to warn Howard “not to go there.”

Howard mentioned Riley Martin’s third show aired last night and he heard great things about it. Howard noted one aspect that has made Riley’s show uch a success is the way listeners call in with real questions, which he said gives Riley the opportunity to talk about his theories about aliens. Howard added that the alleged facts Riley always has about the earth give him some semblance of credibility, even if the figures aren’t accurate.

Following some clips from the show, which included Riley discussing how the aliens killed off the dinosaurs and how they smoke marijuana, Gary reported Tim Sabean told him the program is “a huge success” based on the number of phone calls it gets. Gary added Tim estimated Riley gets close to 4,000 calls an hour when he’s on the air, a total which exceeds the number of calls some SIRIUS stations get in a week.

Howard announced Beth had made up her mind about “Dancing with the Stars,” so he got her on the line to talk about it. Before Beth revealed her decision, though, Howard went around the room to see what everyone thought she’d do, and here are the responses:

• Bob guessed Beth would do it, and end up breaking up with Howard and moving in with Dana because of it.

• Gary said no because he didn’t think Beth cared enough about being famous.

• Robin agreed with Gary, but said it was because of the strain of the travel to-and-from Los Angeles.

• Artie also didn’t think Beth would do it, noting her career is already busy enough.

• Benjy said he thought Beth would be on the show because of what it could do for her career.

• Fred acknowledged Beth should do it because it’d be fun for her, but believed she’d say no due to her relationship with Howard.

• Double A and another caller both guessed she wouldn’t go through with it.

Beth commented she and Howard have never been better together, so her decision had nothing to do with him. Beth then revealed she’s not going to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Beth explained she already has two television shows to handle and also wouldn’t be able to stand all the traveling she’d have to do for the program, all of which influenced her decision. Beth also said she loves her life at home, adding she didn’t want to give that up.

Artie wanted to know if Howard’s dog, Bianca, had gotten fatter lately and Bob said she was wondering the same thing about him. Howard went on to tell Beth one of the reasons Artie and Dana broke up was because of Artie’s refusal to share his house with her dog. When Howard next informed Beth that Artie offered to buy a house and build a special room just for the dog so he wouldn’t have to see it, Beth pointed out dogs need to be around people, not locked away in a room. Artie responded if he ever saw a dog in trouble he’d help it without hesitation, but he wouldn’t want it drooling on him while he was eating a sandwich.

Artie acknowledged he was partly responsible for Dana’s decision to adopt the dog she now has. Artie recalled he and Dana had been dating for about eight months and, because he wasn’t thinking about marrying her at the time, he recommended she adopt the dog when she expressed interest in doing so. When Artie then admitted he wished Dana got the same glow when she saw him as she did whenever her dog came into the room, Howard told him therapy might be able to help him resolve this issue. Howard explained he felt Artie might not hate dogs, but instead might be jealous of Dana’s because of the attention she gives it, which he thought suggested a more complicated mental problem. Howard added that it took him five years before he conjured up the courage to call a therapist, so it wasn’t too late for Artie to seek help.

Fred said caring for dogs is a good way for people to prepare themselves to raise children. Artie replied, though, he didn’t think the two were the same, noting there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for his own child. Artie went on to say he’d not only give up drinking if he became a father, but, if his son happened to be gay, he’d even let him live inside his house without building a separate room for him next to the dogs. Artie added that even though he was joking about his breakup with Dana, he was sad about it because he really is still in love with her.

Howard said he had a conversation with JD before the show this morning about the amount of drinking he’s been doing recently. Howard noted JD was never a drinker before, but now seems to be getting drunk whenever he goes out with people from the show. JD came into the studio and admitted he’d been taking his drinking too far and promised Howard he’d slow down in the future.

Richard mentioned that he and Sal were trying to outdo each other for bits they wanted to perform with Howard’s next guest, Rappin’ Granny, including making out with her and putting her underwear in their mouths. This led Howard to wonder if Richard and Sal would kiss each other for $1,000, but only Richard agreed to the offer. After Richard went on to say he’d kiss Sal and put his finger in his rear end for $5,000, he mentioned it’d cost Howard “millions of dollars” if he wanted him to perform oral sex on Sal. However, Richard offered Howard a bargain if he wanted to see him put Sal’s testicles in his mouth, noting he’d charge him only “hundreds of thousands of dollars” for the privilege to see that.

When Rappin’ Granny came into the studio to ride the Sybian, she told Howard she’ll be 84 in August. After hearing how old she is, Howard wondered why Granny wanted to ride the Sybian and she said it was because it’d be “different” for her. Granny then revealed she last masturbated 30 years ago, which was when she had her most recent orgasm. Granny also commented she’s been able to remain so youthful because she’s had so little sex in her life.

Howard wanted to gauge just how little Granny knew about her body, so he asked if she was familiar with her clitoris. Granny responded she did, in fact, know about her clitoris, explaining it’s where she gave birth to her son from. Granny then mentioned her first husband cheated on her, but her second husband was a good man who was with her until he died. However, despite their good relationship, Granny admitted even her second husband didn’t do much sexual exploring with her. In fact, Granny said she didn’t know what “doggy style” was, nor did she really know how a woman becomes pregnant. As Howard began explaining to Granny how a man impregnates a woman, Robin pointed out it was a little too late for her to be receiving such a lesson.

After Granny was assisted onto the Sybian, Howard insisted she describe what she was feeling during her experience. Gary then started the machine at 10 percent and Granny said she was felt “something banging” her. Granny added her legs and thighs were getting hot, but she didn’t feel any sensations in her vagina. However, as Gary increased the Sybian’s speed, Granny noted it “felt like a man,” before telling Howard she had an orgasm. Granny went on to report she couldn’t walk because of the Sybian, while Robin pointed out Granny was shaking as she got off the machine.

Once she regained her composure, Granny read a rap she wrote about the Sybian. Howard responded to the poem – which was both long and disturbingly graphic – by telling Granny he’d like to hug her goodbye, but couldn’t stand up, not because he was aroused, but because he was nauseous.

Jessica Hahn called in to say she didn’t want to cause any trouble for Artie with the offer she made yesterday to give him a hand job. Artie told Jessica that she shouldn’t worry about it and, if he has time when he’s in Los Angeles next week, he’d like to meet up with her – just to say hi. Howard then said he thought Artie already has women he plans on approaching in his mind, but Artie insisted that wasn’t the case. However, Artie also mentioned he’s going to be in Las Vegas next month for a showing of “Beer League” and if he and Dana are definitely done at that point, “something is going to happen.”

Ben Fong-Torres, formerly of Rolling Stone magazine, came into the studio to observe the show for a while. Howard recalled he used to read Ben’s work in the 1970s and Ben replied he actually wrote a piece about Howard when he first came to New York 25 years ago. Ben added that he was “so lucky” at the beginning of his career because he wrote for Rolling Stone five days a week, and also did a free-form radio show on Sundays as well. Ben explained he has interviewed people like Steve Martin, Cheech and Chong and Stevie Wonder for Rolling Stone and they’d have such a good time together the stars would stop by his radio show to continue their discussions.

Howard asked Ben why he decided to stop working for Rolling Stone and he said it was because the magazine moved its headquarters from San Francisco to New York. Ben went on to say his brother, who was a social worker, got killed by a gang while trying to do his job, so he needed to remain with his family at the time. Ben added he remained a correspondent for the magazine while he was in San Francisco and did some writing for it when he moved to New York, but eventually decided to pursue other opportunities. Ben then mentioned he now works as an author, with several books, as well as a freelance writer for various newspapers and magazines.

Ben told Howard his favorite interviews he did were with Ray Charles and Marvin Gaye. Ben remembered Ray was upset at the time because he was being ignored by the music world, even though Ben considered Ray to be “the history of American music.” Ben also recalled Marvin had just released “What’s Going On” when they talked, but he was still insecure about his talent despite the album’s acclaim.

When Howard mentioned Ben admitted in one of his books to having had sex with a celebrity before he got married more than 30 years ago, he said it was true, but refused to give the woman’s name.