HERE SHE IS, MISS PORNO STAR
The Howard Stern Show for June 15, 2006

The show started with George Takei announcing that he will be the grand marshal for this month’s Gay Pride Parade in Chicago and that Brad, his partner, suggested that he invite Artie to the festivities. However, Artie told George he’d have to “check his calendar,” before claiming he already has plans for the day. After George informed Artie that “Chicago will be disappointed” in his absence, Howard played clips of George’s spliced voice saying a variety of outrageous things about Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Jennifer Aniston. Following the clips, a laughing George told Howard he won’t be able to “utter a sound” on the program anymore because of what Richard and Sal do with what he says.

George mentioned he went to a matinee performance of “Faith Healer” yesterday, but, although he enjoyed the performance, added, “I’ll tell ya, these matinee crowds are something else.” George then explained that not only was a woman “rattling” a plastic bag throughout the play, but someone’s hearing aid was emitting a “high-pitched screech” as well. This led George to recall the time he was at a movie theater three years ago and the cell phone of the man sitting next to him rang. George went on to say the man began talking on the phone right in the middle of the movie, which caused him to grab the man’s wrist and push down his hand. After the two stood and had a stare down, George reported the man spat in his face and then ran out of the theater. George noted that, while Brad sat in his seat embarrassed, he chased after the cell-phone talker, but he got away.

Artie said Dana called him again last night and, apparently, she will now be accompanying him to Las Vegas. Upon hearing this, Howard read an e-mail he received from Mary Jo Buttafuoco, who compared Artie’s behavior toward Dana to the way Joey treated her during their marriage. Artie replied to Mary Jo’s remarks, though, by promising Howard that “under no circumstances” will he ever “ask someone to shoot Dana.”

Since he was the topic of many e-mails, Howard read a number of positive messages George has received about his appearances this week. Although many listeners commented on how much they’ve enjoyed George’s time on the air, Howard got to one e-mail from a listener who didn’t want him on the show anymore. George responded that he was actually glad to have received the criticism because it was “humbling” and kept his “feet planted right on the ground.”

After Howard admitted he couldn’t pleasure himself last night to the Sybian rides available on Howard TV – largely because he kept seeing shots of himself during the footage – he announced next week he might be able to arrange a private screening of “Superman Returns” for everyone. Robin pointed out she can’t wait to see the movie, but also acknowledged she thinks its star, Brandon Routh, has too much hair in the promos she’s seen. Despite Robin’s feelings, George commented Brandon’s hair doesn’t bother him because of the way his body looks in the Superman costume. George then noted he finds Brandon “hot” and will be seeing “Superman Returns” for that very reason.

Howard played clips of Ann Coulter’s appearance on “The Tonight Show” last night, in which Jay Leno would not challenge her about any of her recent negative statements about “The Jersey Girls,” a group of widows who lost their husbands during the attacks of September 11, 2001. As if Jay’s refusal to be confrontational with Ann wasn’t bad enough, the studio audience applauded whenever she explained her ridiculous comments.

After the clips, George commented that, to him, Ann came off as “a hard, bitter…” but wouldn’t finish his thought. Robin then assured George it would’ve been all right for him to have said “bitch,” and Howard added George should’ve said the same venomous things about Ann that he did about Jennifer Aniston earlier in the broadcast – only without needing Sal or Richard’s help.

Howard played a voicemail Eric the Midget left for the show, in which he warned Howard that he’s making it his mission to convince Katharine McPhee from “American Idol” not to be on his “retarded-ass” show. Howard then got Eric on the line and told him he thinks he’ll agree to being flown by balloon in order to meet Katharine, even though Eric has claimed otherwise. As Howard continued to say he was sure Eric would go through with the stunt, Eric called him “a big-nosed jackass” as well as “an arrogant piece of sh*t.”

Jenny, the woman who flew Paul Newman three stories in the air with balloons last month on “Late Show with David Letterman” and who will also be assisting Eric during his flight, got on the line. Jenny assured Eric the procedure will be safe for him and that he’ll be wearing a helmet and a harness. However, when Jenny asked Eric his dimensions so she could prepare his harness, he wouldn’t give them to her because he claimed he won’t be flying. As Howard went on to note, though, that Eric is 2’3” and weighs 50 pounds, he referred to Howard as “an idiot” before finally revealing that he’s really 3’6” and weighs 85 pounds. Jenny went on to say that while it took about 7,600 balloons to fly Paul Newman, she predicted only 2,500 balloons would be needed to lift Eric 10 inches off the ground.

After Howard got off the line with Jenny, he proceeded to take a call from “Katharine,” who Eric pointed out sounded suspiciously like Blue Iris. Howard then commented that he still feels Eric will fly and the fact that he gave his dimensions to Jenny proved his theory. Eric assured Howard, though, that he only gave Jenny his measurements so he’d “shut the f’ up.”

Howard asked Artie for another recap of his situation with Dana and he acknowledged that he plans on going to at least one therapy session to appease her. While Robin pointed out that Dana seems to be giving into Artie based on their new arrangement, George disagreed with her and commented that he saw “something positive” about Artie agreeing to go see a shrink. Artie then said his “heart starts beating” whenever Dana calls him and admitted that, most likely, “the hookers in Las Vegas will take a financial hit this weekend.”

One of the judges for today’s Porn Star Beauty Pageant, Luther Campbell, the rapper formerly a member of 2 Live Crew, came into the studio to talk about his personal life. Luther reported he likes being wild, noting he enjoys urinating on women because the practice takes sex to “a whole ‘nother level.” When Howard pointed out that urinating on women sounds like “a production,” Luther acknowledged cleaning up after himself and his partners is easier when they do it on a boat as opposed to when they perform their acts in hotel rooms. In fact, Luther said that whenever he urinates on a woman in a hotel room, he immediately leaves the chambermaid a tip and checks out of the room.

Gary brought up that Luther used to skip school to play craps and then pay off his teachers with the money he won so they wouldn’t tell his parents. Luther admitted the story was true and explained that he always followed two rules when paying off his teachers: the first was to show up to class once a week and the second was to carefully choose which teachers to bribe. Gary went on to report that Luther also used to “reward” college football players from his favorite team whenever they did something good on the field, which was another report Luther said happened. However, Luther made sure to point out he never fixed any games with his habit.

Luther then said he coaches a Pop Warner football team and his team recently played against Snoop Dogg’s football team. Luther noted, though, that the game was called after only the sixth play because a player on his team was allegedly beaten by one of Snoop’s security guards after he scored a touchdown. Luther added he’s still mad at Snoop over the incident and will continue to be until Snoop apologizes for his security guard’s behavior toward his 13-year-old player.

After Howard commented that Luther and Bubba the Love Sponge created “The Puss Bomb” together, George introduced The Porn Star Beauty Pageant’s first contestant, Carmen Luvana. Howard reminded everyone Carmen was in the studio a few years ago and she “took Benjy’s toe in her ass.” Howard then acknowledged he watches a good deal of porn, but doesn’t see any women “half as hot” as Carmen.

For the talent portion of her appearance, Carmen announced that she could have an orgasm in English, Spanish and German. Carmen next had “phone sex” with Luther in English, before also engaging in the practice in Spanish with George, who speaks the language fluently, as well as in German with Artie’s Hitler impersonation. When Howard proceeded to ask Carmen how she’d make the world a better place for the personality portion of the game, she responded she’d encourage girls to get “freakier” and demand people have “better sex” with each other. Carmen’s answer led Howard to say that if girls like her existed in Iraq, there’d be no war there. However, despite her openness, Carmen wouldn’t allow the vaginal thermometer created by frequent caller, Coach Mike, to be put inside her body to take her temperature.

Taylor Wayne was the next contestant in the pageant and she reported she started having oral sex with her 17-year-old boyfriend when she was just 12. Taylor then mentioned she recently did her first double-penetration scene on film, before telling Howard she didn’t feel comfortable removing her clothes in the studio. However, when Luther commented the Taylor was going to lose the competition with that attitude, she buckled and got naked.

Following Taylor’s performance of an original song called “Cry, Baby, Cry” for the talent portion of the contest, Howard acknowledged he let the song go on as long as he did because he was staring at Taylor’s body. Howard then pointed out that he could tell Taylor was nervous and she reported that she was so nervous that she urinated a little in the studio. After Taylor talked about the time she let a man urinate in her mouth, she answered the question of her personality portion of the contest – which was whether she’d keep her baby if she accidentally got pregnant while shooting a porno – by saying she would and eventually give the child up for adoption.

The final contestant, Taryn Thomas, mentioned she talks to JD through MySpace and that the two have a lunch date planned for later in the day. When JD came into the studio, Gary said he was upset because he didn’t want anyone knowing about his online relationship with Taryn. JD then admitted he had hoped to keep his conversations with Taryn private, before acknowledging, though, that “it was another thing that had to come out.” Howard proceeded to ask Taryn if she thought she’d have sex with JD and she responded, “I will never say never.”

For the talent portion of the contest, Taryn offered a standup performance – which included the jokes: “What do you call it when six porn stars are in a room and three of them are on their periods and three of them have yeast infections? A wine and cheese party.” “How do you brainwash a porn star? You give her an enema.” “Do you want to know what an 80-year-old’s p*ssy tastes like? It ‘Depends.’” – but only Taylor found her act funny. Taryn was then asked what super power she would pick if she could have one and she said she’d choose the ability to “heal anyone.”

While Robin voted for Taryn as the winner of The Porn Star Beauty Pageant, George, Artie, Fred, Howard and Gary all chose Carmen. Once she was crowned, Carmen said she was honored by having received the title as the pageant’s winner and was then presented with a certificate for free ribs for her victory.

After Howard took a call from Red Peters, who will be hosting his second broadcast of nothing but dirty songs submitted by his listeners tomorrow at 7 p.m. on Howard 101, the comedian and host of “Celebrity Fit Club,” Ant, came into the studio. Ant started his interview by telling Howard he broke up his last relationship by talking about it on the air and even got served with a cease-and-desist order from the man because he’s allegedly a celebrity who’s pretending to be heterosexual in public. Ant then reported that he now has a new boyfriend and they had sex even before they went on their first date. When Ant commented the practice of gay people having sex prior to dating is commonplace, George said it’s true, even though he and Brad didn’t engage in such behavior.

Ant went on to report that he and his new beau recently had sex together with a homeless man, explaining the man turned down their original offer of $50, but agreed to do it for $100. Ant added he made the man shower first and the three of them proceeded to engage in oral sex and “a little fingering.” Ant also noted the best thing about having sex with the homeless man was that he didn’t have to drive him home afterward.

Ant reported he was once standing at a public urinal, when Dustin Diamond came in and urinated in the urinal next to him. Ant then corroborated Dustin’s claim that his penis is 10 inches long, adding he had to “hold it up” to prevent it from hitting the urinal. Ant also said the only penis he’s ever seen that was comparable in size to Dustin’s was James Woods’, but pointed out Dustin’s face would prevent him from ever wanting to have sex with him, despite his “bigness.”

Crazy Alice called in to admit she’s angry, but not “ignorant” the way George described her earlier in the week. Alice then said her father tried to “whoop her with a belt” when she was 18, which she claimed propelled her on her track of anger. Howard next pointed out that, like Alice, George went through a rough childhood as well – seeing as he spent time in an internment camp – but he turned out to be happy, so he wondered if she could ever be positive. However, Alice responded she’d like to be more pleasant, but can’t be because, while George was able to move on from what brought him down at a young age, she’s still surrounded by poverty and drugs.

Before Alice got off the line, though, she and Artie engaged in a 15-minute shouting match against each other, with Artie admitting he didn’t know how she was able to keep up her stamina for so long.

• David Lynch and his wife of one month are divorcing.

• A study suggests people who get migraine headaches have bigger sex drives.

• Twenty-four percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 50 have tattoos.

• A man and woman were arrested for giving their children marijuana as a reward for good behavior.

• Governor Pataki and his wife attended the graduation of their son from the Marines Corp.

• More women than ever are getting liposuction on their ankles.

• A filmmaker made a documentary about the Golden Gate Bridge and captured 20 people committing suicide by jumping off it.

• The band, McFly, has allegedly written a song about Lindsay Lohan.

• Judy Steinberg has written a book about how to look good at an old age.

• “Babymoons” are the newest trend among expecting couples.

• Cher called C-Span to talk about troop helmet-safety.

• Taylor Hicks was voted People magazine’s most eligible bachelor.

• A town hall meeting will be held tonight in Indianapolis about Jesus’ feelings toward homosexuality.