YES MISTRESS!
The Howard Stern Show for July 18, 2006

Howard began the show saying he received a phone message last night from Pam Anderson, who reported she and Kid Rock were engaged. Howard admitted when he initially got the news he wasn’t sure who Pam was marrying, adding he didn’t realize the groom-to-be was Kid Rock right away because she kept referring to him as “Bobby” and “Bob,” which is his real name. However, Howard went on to say the reports he heard about Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra weren’t as positive because they announced they’re getting divorced.

Howard mentioned he got a call yesterday from Ivan Reitman, who he said wanted to come on the program early on Wednesday’s show. Gary then got on his intercom, though, and informed Howard with Evil David Letterman, Paul Giamatti and Pink already lined up for tomorrow’s broadcast, it would be difficult to accommodate Ivan’s request. Howard responded by telling Gary to take care of the situation himself, pointing out he gave the same instructions to Tim Sabean during a meeting yesterday about hiring people to go through the 23,000 hours of KROCK tapes he has, and, because of his demand, the positions should be filled later today.

Howard mentioned he’s been watching “Rock Star Supernova,” a show which he admitted was “insufferably boring,” but has him “hooked.” After Howard explained the premise of the program – which is to become the lead singer of a non-existent band – Robin noted he had the same reaction to “Rock Star: INXS.”

Howard then read an excerpt of an interview published in a gay magazine with Nelly Furtado, who discussed in it her supposed bisexuality. However, although Nelly acknowledged in the piece that she has been attracted to women in the past, as well as the fact that she wants a float in a Gay Pride Parade, Howard said there was nothing in the article that suggested she was actually bisexual.

Howard pointed out he promised yesterday to get to a number of messages and prank calls today, so he played them this morning. To start, Howard introduced a voicemail from Blue Iris, who called Richard to tell him she couldn’t urinate, but that the condition “was probably nothing.” After Artie wondered how doctors would be able to “get piss out of Blue,” Howard got to another clip, this one of a drunken Richard Christy leaving a message for JD to go out drinking with him. Howard then played a Baba Booey Song to the tune of “The Muppet Show” theme left by Sour Shoes, as well as a clip of Sal calling JD to find out why the public access show he wanted to call wasn’t on. In the message, Sal, who was whispering so he wouldn’t wake his wife, told JD he wanted to get on the air with a particular public access preacher so he could tell him his wife had “cancer of the p*ssy.”

This led Howard into a clip of Richard asking a different preacher on a public access program if it was a sin for him to be “pumping off,” which, of course, the preacher said it was. Because of Richard’s “pumping off” question, Howard pointed out the format of the public access show changed the next night, when its host allowed only people to say their names on the air so he could pray for them. However, this strategy didn’t work well, as one of the calls to the show was made by Sal as “Dick Bukkake from Ballsack, Kentucky.” Howard also played a clip of Richard asking a tele-psychic if he would be “f-ed in the ass” when he went to prison for “selling grass near a school.” In another clip Howard played, “Rusty,” Richard’s most heavily used character when he calls into public access shows, called into the same show where he asked his “pumping off” question to tell the preacher he believed in evolution, which the preacher referred to as “a sin.”

Howard got to a clip of a fan yelling out “Baba Booey” during a newscast on a street in New York, before playing one of John Edward on “Live with Regis and Kelly” talking about his 4-year-old son’s “ability” to speak to the dead. In the clip, John claimed his son told his teacher his mother was pregnant, which John said she didn’t discover was really the case until several weeks later. Following the clip, Howard recommended John start “the Institute of American Bullsh*t” and enroll his son into the school, while also saying he’d believe in psychics as soon as he pulled a card from a deck and they told him what card he picked out.

While JD was in the studio to talk about a rumored sex tape involving Lindsay Lohan, Howard said he sent JD a message asking him what he was doing during his vacation, but that he received a “hostile” response. JD replied, though, that his reply to Howard’s message was a joke, before admitting he didn’t do much over his break, except for an appearance he made on an episode of “The Intern Show.” However, JD mentioned his time on the program didn’t go well, mostly because an intern said she’d “kill” him during a game of “F, Marry, Kill” with him, Jason and Steve the Intern being the other names in the pool.

Before JD left the room, Howard played a number of videos of him, including one where he “almost drowned in 4 feet of water” while at Hedonism. Doug Goodstein then entered the studio and announced highlights of JD’s entire trip to Hedonism will premiere on Howard TV next month.

Siobhan called in to say she heard Artie was interested in dating her 23-year-old daughter, who Artie admitted looked “stunning.” Siobhan then told Artie she wouldn’t mind if he dated her daughter, but warned him her daughter wasn’t “a porn star,” which Artie assured her wasn’t a problem. Artie added that, as attracted as he was to the woman, he questioned whether Siobhan was forcing her daughter to go out with him, but still asked her to give her daughter’s number to Gary.

Lisa G., who was in the studio to talk about today’s stories on The Howard 100 News, told Howard she saw him on “Extra” last night, which was an interview Howard said he did while accompanying Beth to a party held in her honor for her Hamptons Magazine cover shot. In the clip, Howard “called out” Oprah for working only 30 minutes a week on her XM show, while also insisting his mother looked better in her underwear than Britney Spears did for her scantily clad cover shoot for Harper’s Bazaar. Following the tape, Howard pointed out he didn’t like the way the interview was presented on “Extra,” but added he went through with it because he was the only celebrity at the event, and he therefore felt he owed the show some of his time for covering the party in the first place.

Lisa also reported she heard Artie was in a movie in addition to “Beer League,” which he admitted was true. Artie went on to say he played a lawyer in the film, “Waltzing Anna,” and that, since it opens before “Beer League,” he hoped people would be willing to see both movies.

Howard played a clip of Diana Bianchi, the 19-year-old woman who had an affair with Christie Brinkley’s husband, Peter Cook, and is now suing him for sexual harassment, discussing their relationship. In the clip, Diana talked about how she met Peter in the toy store where she worked, as well as how he gave her money, jewelry and a car. Diana also said she was “flattered” by Peter’s initial attention, but added she regretted what she did with him because of the problems it caused.

Upon hearing the tape, Howard commented he felt Diana’s lawyer, who was also interviewed, tried to play up her age in the segment to make her seem like a victim, even though he thought people at that age knew what they were doing. Howard then took a call from Jessica Hahn, who acknowledged when she was in her late-teens she made similar decisions to the ones Diana made, and she was aware of what the consequences of her actions would be.

Howard welcomed into the studio Sandra Romain, a dominatrix, as well as two of her “bitches,” Harmony Rose and Arial X. Harmony, who reminded Howard she was on the show in March as a demonstrator for a sex machine, said she now does whatever Sandra wants, a lifestyle Arial noted she lives as well. Howard then had Sandra show off her power over the girls, and she made them crawl on the floor and bark while she hit their breasts. As Harmony and Arial barked, Sandra began slapping them on the face because their barks weren’t loud enough. After Howard admitted he was turned on by what he was seeing, Artie commented Harmony and Arial were dogs even he liked.

While Sandra was having her “salad tossed,” Gary came into the studio and reported she once participated in a “triple anal” scene in a porno, and also once put “three dildos in her ass” as she had two penises in her vagina at the same time as well. Gary went on to say Sandra has seen fecal matter on some of her costars’ penises after they had anal sex with either her or another girl, and that Arial was dating a transvestite who enjoyed having anal sex performed on him with a strap-on.

Since Harmony and Arial claimed they’d “do anything,” Gary wondered if they’d be willing to lick the bump and fungus on his foot, which they did when Sandra told them to do so. Gary commented, as the girls were addressing his feet, that it felt “weird,” before Richard asked if Harmony and Arial would either lick pasta sauce off his feet or allow him to pass wind in their faces. However, Sandra not only wouldn’t let her girls participate in Richard’s demands, but instead made him bark and lick sauce off himself. As Richard began dry heaving because of the taste of the sauce, Will came into the studio and “accidentally” dumped the remaining sauce on Richard.

Before they left the studio, Sandra and Harmony began kissing each other while Arial put her hands on Harmony’s rear end.

Director, M. Night Shyamalan, came into the studio to talk about “Lady in the Water,” his newest movie. After Night introduced Howard to Bill, his brother-in-law, Howard noted it seemed to him people in Hollywood want him to fail. To illustrate his point, Howard commented Night’s last three movies, “Unbreakable,” “Signs” and “The Village,” were all labeled as failures by some even though they earned from $200 million to $400 million in worldwide ticket sales alone. Night also mentioned his films, including “The Sixth Sense,” have earned $1.6 billion in theaters alone, with another billion dollars coming in through DVD rentals and sales, so he didn’t understand why some people were out to get him.

Howard brought up when Night showed the executives at Disney, the company that released his other movies, his script for “Lady in the Water,” they weren’t happy with it. Night admitted that was true, and added the executives thought the rough script he sent them was “strange,” which he said he didn’t understand given the other non-mainstream scripts of his they had read. However, Night also said he wasn’t overly surprised by the executives’ reaction to the script, especially because they approached him following each of his other movies with suggestions as to how they could’ve made even more money had their scripts been more tailored to the general public.

Despite this, Night acknowledged he cried after the executives pointed out their issues with “Lady in the Water” because he didn’t think they showed faith in him, even though he had earned the company so much money over the years. Night then said he turned down Disney’s eventual offer to fund the movie due to the fact that he didn’t think he could deliver the picture the studio wanted.

Before Night continued his story, Howard asked Bill if Night was generous with his fortune. Although Bill said he owned a computer software company and didn’t need Night’s financial help, Night acknowledged he’d always be willing to give money to his sister and Bill if they ever asked for it.

When Night got back to his story about “Lady in the Water,” he said a number of other studio heads were interested in it after they heard Disney wasn’t going to make the movie. Night then reported he was flown on a private plane to meet with people from Warner Brothers, who happened to “love” his screenplay, which he also pointed out was a touched-up version from the one the people at Disney saw. Because of their enthusiasm toward the “Lady in the Water,” Night said he decided to work with the people at Warner Brothers to make the movie.

Howard acknowledged he was rooting for “Lady in the Water” to do well, while also saying Night was one person whose films he’d see based on the director alone. Gary then came into the studio and reported he heard the executives at Disney had a problem with the fact that Night wrote himself “a large part” in “Lady in the Water,” which he admitted was just one of the problems they had with the picture. Night then told Howard he’d like the costume Bryce Dallas Howard, one of the stars of “Lady in the Water,” wears in the film because of how small it is, before also admitting he was nervous Paul Giamatti, another of the movie’s stars, didn’t like him because it took him two days to respond after the script was sent to him.

Andrew Dice Clay called in to talk about why Artie still hadn’t been paid the $5,000 he earned following a standup show they did together during the two-week vacation. Dice started his explanation by saying he himself hadn’t received his full paycheck from the show yet, and that he left a message on Artie’s voicemail to find out his address to send him the money, but he never returned the call. Dice then said he had no problem paying Artie, but he didn’t appreciate his claim that the venue where he was scheduled to perform didn’t sell out until Artie was added to the bill, because he didn’t think it was true. However, Dice did acknowledge he was asked to add a second show because of the number of fans Artie could’ve attracted, but he decided not to do it.

Dice assured Artie he treats his comedy gigs as “a business,” and Artie responded he always pays the comedians who open for him the night of their shows. Artie went on to say it’d been 10 days since his show with Dice, so he felt like he should’ve been paid by this point. Dice replied, though, since Artie didn’t specify that he wanted to get paid the night of their performances, he was waiting until he got home to send him his check.

When Dice then mentioned Artie didn’t need the money, he responded that his financial situation shouldn’t have anything to do with when he got paid. As Dice proceeded to claim he wanted to team up with Artie to do future shows together, Artie informed him he can sell out venues without having Dice on the bill, and that he felt he was being used so Dice could get closer to Howard, before also admitting he’d rather work by himself.

After Ralph, who has owed Artie $100 for more than two years himself, called in to criticize Artie for his reaction to not being paid, Dice insisted Artie had nothing to do with him selling out the venue they played. Howard then summed up the situation by saying Artie was used to getting paid the nights of his shows, and didn’t want to ask Dice for his money that night when he realized he wasn’t going to get paid. Howard added since Dice didn’t work that way, he didn’t think anything of not paying Artie that night.

Although Robin questioned why Artie was so upset, he told her it was because of two things: the first being that Dice claimed he called him this week when he never got the message, and the second that Dice said he didn’t send the money because he figured he didn’t need it immediately. Howard then pointed out he sided with Artie, noting when he’s owed money, he expects to get it in a timely fashion, regardless of how much money he already had.

Following calls from listeners, some of whom sided with Dice and others who agreed with Artie, Dice assured Artie he mailed his check yesterday. Howard’s father, Ben, then got on the line and echoed Howard’s remarks about how Artie and Dice had different ways of dealing with money, which he thought was the cause of their disagreement. Given this, Ben said he didn’t feel Artie was overreacting about not getting his money, while Fred believed the opposite. Dice then replied if he and Artie ever worked together again, he’d be sure to work out the monetary details before their performances.

As the argument continued, the Rev. Bob Levy and High Pitch Eric called in to defend Artie, but Ross Zapin, the vice president of promotions Howard’s SIRIUS channels, said he could see Dice’s point of view on the matter. Fred then said he felt Artie had “an ax to grind with Dice” for three reasons: he thought he was underpaid for his appearance, he felt he was the one responsible for selling out the venue, and he was bothered for not getting his money. However, Artie disagreed with Dice’s first two statements before apologizing for expecting his money within 10 days of the gig.

While he calmed himself down, Artie said he talked to “the wardrobe lady” from “Entourage” last night, and he told her she’d need to sew two shirts together in order to accommodate his size. Although Robin then asked Artie if he’d get on the scale for his final weigh-in before he shoots his scenes for “Entourage,” Howard announced he didn’t have to get weighed because of all he had just endured with Dice.

Artie went on to say he was looking forward to his make-out scenes with Leslie Bibb on “Entourage,” although he acknowledged he didn’t know if she was feeling the same way. Artie added he might ask Leslie if she wanted to hang out if got “a vibe” from her while on the set, which led Howard to suggest he approach her with confidence to raise the possibility of her liking him.

As Robin wrapped up her news at 12:02 p.m., Gary got on his intercom and announced Howard had officially done his longest show ever. Howard responded by telling his listeners to keep that fact in mind when he has to get off the air at 10 a.m. this Thursday.

• “The Devil Wears Prada” is attracting men to theaters.

• Newly married men and women are starting to “mesh” their last names together to create a new last name for themselves.

• Naomi Campbell allegedly damaged her boyfriend’s yacht following an argument with a chef.

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are considering adopting another child.

• Diane Lane is encouraging people to cut off their hair and then give it to cancer patients.

• Jessica Biel is auctioning herself off as a date to raise money for a teenager who lost her leg.

• Vacationers in Lebanon are trying to find ways out of the country since violence with Israel erupted there.

• The Senate is continuing its discussions on a bill that would allow more use of stem-cell research.

• The FCC is continuing is crackdown on on-air profanity.

• A transgendered 5-year-old boy will be entering kindergarten as a girl.

• A former Playboy Playmate has written a tell-all book about what goes on at Hugh Hefner’s mansion.

• Kathleen Turner is one of the stars lending her voice to the upcoming movie, “Monster House.”

• The trailer for “Rocky VI” has been released.

• Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have announced they’re getting divorced.

• Oprah has denied she and Gayle King aren’t lesbians.