A SPANKING NEW YEAR
The Howard Stern Show for January 4, 2007

The show started today with Howard briefly bringing up that he was on Jim Breuer’s SIRIUS show yesterday. Howard then got to a clip from his appearance, of Jim and one of his sidekicks talking about the following gifts they purchased for Howard and the rest of his crew:

• Fred received a guitar pick Eddie Vedder used during a Pearl Jam concert in Denver in 1998

• Artie got a Thurman Munson bathrobe, complete with pin stripes and the number 15 on it

• Gary got a Tom Seaver bathrobe

• Robin received karate lessons and glue because, as Jim put it, she was “the glue that held the show together”

• Howard picked up a signed Goat Boy action figure “for Bianca to chew on”

Howard turned to Artie’s appearance last night on “Late Show with David Letterman,” with Artie saying the interview went so well that he was already booked for a third sit down with Dave scheduled for May. Artie went on to report he followed Matt Lauer, who he commented was “charming” and who put the audience in “a nice, pleasant mood.” Artie added it was easier for him to follow Matt than it was George Carlin, who was the first guest years ago when he was on “The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn.” In fact, Artie recalled, as soon as he hit the stage with Craig, he brought up his admiration for George, joking, “It’s easy to follow the best comedian ever.”

Artie next said he felt his pre-interview yesterday was “fantastic,” and that the interviewer told him he had “an embarrassment of riches” to discuss on the air. Artie then pointed out his cousin, Jeff, reminded him after he was done on “Late Show” that he would’ve “fainted” 10 years ago if he knew he’d one day be on Howard’s show in the morning and “Late Show” at night.

Howard proceeded to ask Artie if he celebrated his “Late Show” appearance with a soda, which he had sworn off for 2007, and he replied he hadn’t. However, when Robin again asked Artie why he was still drinking Hawaiian Punch even though it was just as bad as soda, he responded, “These are the kinds of logical questions that give me a headache.”

Howard took a call from a listener named Gerald, who reported he heard on the news that Howard might not be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby after all, and that he’d have to take a paternity test to see if he was. Upon hearing that, instead of informing Gerald it was actually Anna’s lawyer, Howard K. Stern who was the alleged father of the child, Howard went along with the joke, talking about how nervous he was in regard to potential child support payments and how his family would react to the news. However, when another caller, Russell, explained who Howard K. Stern was, Gerald responded, “Sh*t, I didn’t know, man.”

Howard got to clips from Artie’s appearance on “Late Show,” where he first talked about his New Year’s Eve standup performance in Philadelphia. During the conversation, Artie pointed out no one in the crowd was laughing at his jokes in the beginning of his set, and that one of the people in the audience actually yelled out, “You and the Giants are gay,” which did get a response. In the other clips, Artie discussed a gig he did once at a club called Zany’s, where the only reaction he got from the crowd was from a 75-year-old man who kept saying, “Ah, that’s sumpin’” following every joke, as well as a story about his Uncle Sonny, and the time he was arrested for attempted bank robbery.

When the segments were done, Howard took calls from listeners who all enjoyed Artie’s “Late Show” performance, even though some of them pointed out he looked like he’d just woken up, and that he never seemed heavier than he did last night.

Howard played tapes from yesterday’s “Intern Show,” of Scott the Engineer’s new intern, Rachel, saying she had received not one, but 4 tours of the studio and all of Sirius from Scott, and was also introduced to everyone from the show. This led Howard to note he was shocked to hear Rachel’s story, explaining he didn’t think Scott ever paid that much attention to his past male interns. To illustrate his point, Howard got to another from the show, this one of Scott’s former intern, named Jackson, who claimed Scott never introduced him to anyone, nor did he ever give him a tour of SIRIUS.

Scott then came into the studio and denied he gave female interns preferential treatment over male interns, claiming he’d helped male interns get jobs with the show. However, Gary said Scott had nothing to do with the male interns getting jobs, and that he witnessed Scott going as far as showing Rachel how to use the vending machine yesterday afternoon. Ronnie the Limo Driver then came into the studio and mentioned that Scott was “prancing Rachel around like he got a new pony” yesterday, while Doug Goodstein of HowardTV said no intern had ever been in his control room prior to Scott bringing in Rachel after the show.

Rachel came into the studio and laughed off the idea that Scott had a crush on her, and Howard reminded her that, as her employer, Scott was “forbidden fruit,” which caused her to laugh even harder. Rachel went on to say Gary didn’t make a good first impression with her, noting he gave her what she felt were a number of dirty looks, and also refused to shake her hand. Gary then replied, though, that the looks he gave Rachel were a result of her being someplace she wasn’t supposed to be at one point during her shift, and that he didn’t shake anyone’s hand earlier in the week because he had a cold, and didn’t want to get people sick.

An 18-year-old Playboy (Special Editions) model named Haydn, came into the studio after having called in to the show prior to the holidays to see if she could meet Howard. Haydn explained that people from Playboy came to her college hoping to find women to pose for the magazine, and that she was willing to participate from the start. Howard proceeded to note he found Haydn attractive, but, due to her age, didn’t want to see her naked. Howard added, though, that he wanted to see Haydn’s bare stomach, which she showed him, and also asked to look at her rear end...with her pants on, of course. After seeing it, Howard commented, “You are kind of rockin’.”

Haydn reported she lost her virginity when she was 14, and that she’d also been seduced by older women before. When Howard found out Haydn was a member of Mensa, he told her he wanted to ask her questions, and, if she got the wrong responses, she’d have to be spanked in the Robo Spanker. As Haydn prepared for the contest, she got into a thong and commented she graduated from high school just last summer. Because Howard, Gary and Artie all agreed that Haydn was attractive, Gary asked her if she’d have sex with anyone in the studio, and she replied Howard was the only one she’d definitely do. Haydn added she wasn’t into promiscuous sex, and that she’d been with only four men in her life.

Howard got to the game, asking Haydn these questions:

• Sally likes 225, but not 224; she likes 900, but not 800; and 144, but not 145. Which does she like: 1,600 or 1,700? Although Haydn correctly answered 1,600, she didn’t know why it was the right reply, which was because all the numbers Sally liked were perfect squares. Given this, Haydn had to endure a spanking, which she said “wasn’t a big deal.”

• If two typists can type two pages in two minutes, how many typists will it take to type 18 pages in six minutes? Because Haydn didn’t know the answer, Howard told her she would get 10 spankings. However, Howard discovered that the Robo Spanker wasn’t working properly, so Haydn got out of having to be spanked.

Before she left, Haydn mentioned she was leaving New York on Saturday because school started for her on Monday. Haydn proceeded to flash her breasts in the studio, which led Howard to say he felt “dirty,” even though he enjoyed seeing them.

Dennis Rodman and his agent, Darren, stopped by, and Dennis immediately began talking about a porno he saw yesterday with an 18-year-old performing vile acts on film. Given this, Dennis commented he didn’t think Howard should’ve felt guilty for having seen Haydn naked, but added his age limit for women he’d have sex with was 25. Howard went on to bring up that Dennis and Darren had a falling out some years back, but Dennis insisted that wasn’t the case. However, Darren acknowledged he stopped working for Dennis for a short time a while ago, but that it had nothing to do with any bad blood between them.

Howard next asked Dennis if his former wife, Carmen Electra, recently called him to tell him he was the love of her life, but he denied it. Dennis did admit though, that he would’ve been honored if Carmen had given him such a title, and also explained he didn’t think she was able to remain in a serious relationship because of her desire to be famous.

Dennis mentioned he was playing basketball again, this time with a team playing against the Harlem Globetrotters. Dennis explained he assembled the team he plays with himself, and that they were not contractually obligated to lose against the Globetrotters. Despite Dennis’ claim, Artie replied he knew Globetrotters games were scripted, so he doubted the games weren’t rigged. After Howard added he thought the games sounded like the WWE only with one person – namely, Dennis – not being in on the joke, Dennis again denied that his squad would have to throw the game. Darren went on to say he was a part of the process of putting together “a really solid team” to surround Dennis, including “professional street ballers.” Darren then promised he’d never put Dennis in a game that was a joke, and that the contest would be “competitive.”

Dennis proceeded to say he was banned from the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas for getting aggressive with card dealers, but also mentioned the ban was lifted because the casino was now under new ownership.

Howard then took a call from Bong Hit Eric, who wanted to know “which female celebrity rocked his world the most,” but he didn’t have a response, even though he admitted he was interested in being with Lindsay Lohan – but doubted he’d ever have a chance. When Artie next asked Dennis if he had saved any money– estimating he felt Dennis should’ve earned $40-50 million from the NBA alone – Dennis assured him he’d never have to worry about his finances.

When the next guest, 50 Cent, came into the studio, he mentioned he was in an upcoming movie, “Home of the Brave,” also starring Samuel Jackson and Jessica Biel. After 50 explained that Samuel once supposedly claimed he’d never work on a film with a rapper, he added the quote was taken out of context, and that they got along fine on the set. However, 50 noted that, although there was no feud between him and Samuel, the same couldn’t be said about his feelings toward The Game, one of his rapper protégés. Fifty went on to insist no one in his posse was currently in trouble with the law, and that he stopped wearing a bulletproof vest everyday because he didn’t think he was any longer in danger.

Fifty reported he attended Eminem’s remarriage to his ex-wife, Kim, and that he felt the couple reunited to set a good example for their daughter, even though they have since divorced...again. Since they were on the topic of women, 50 mentioned he never got tired of “good p*ssy,” but that he had “a special bitch” at the moment. Fifty also reported he was “85 percent done” with his latest album, and added he was “strongly influenced” by James Brown, mostly because of the sampling of his music he and many other rappers used.

Fifty said he didn’t think Oprah Winfrey did anything for African American women, and that he didn’t want to be on her show. Fifty then mentioned Oprah refused to embrace rap music – which he acknowledged he understood seeing as he didn’t think she ever lived a rappers’ lifestyle – but that didn’t change her feelings about her. Fifty went on to refer to Oprah as a hypocrite, pointing out she wouldn’t let rappers on her show because they said the word “bitch” in their songs, but that she had no problem putting rapists on her program.

Fifty noted he had a number of rappers in his label, and that the most difficult part of his job was letting them know when he wanted to stop putting money into their acts. Fifty then admitted he once called P. Diddy “a soft nigga” in one of his songs, but insisted the n-word, in that context, wasn’t a big insult, and that the two had since patched up their argument.

Fifty proceeded to explain how he was arrested in New York City a few months ago for driving a Lamborghini without plates or a license, but that the plates matter was a misunderstanding, and that he got his license from the DMV right after the incident.

Gay Ramone called in and asked 50 if he had a big penis, but 50 refused to answer the question, insisting he didn’t have a problem with gay people, as long as they weren’t “flaming.” Fifty next acknowledged a woman once licked him in his most private of areas, and that he didn’t mind the experience, although he didn’t request it.

Another caller wanted to know what the difference was between the n-word and “nigga,” and 50 replied certain white people were allowed to use the latter term when addressing him, but the same rule didn’t apply to the actual n-word.

A discussion then started about who in the studio had ever “eaten a woman’s ass,” with Artie and 50 admitting they had, and Fred and Howard insisting they hadn’t. Gary proceeded to get on his intercom to report he enjoyed doing it to a woman, which led Howard to joke that Gary liked it so much because it “improved his breath.”

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which of the reports is definitely fake. Here were the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Lindsay Lohan treated three fans to free tanning at a salon in Los Angeles.

(2) A crew member was fired from “Two and a Half Men” after he made a joke about Charlie Sheen.

(3) Marcia Cross was annoyed with two small children who were running around in a restaurant.

(4) An insurance adjuster found a bracelet in the rubble of Evangeline Lilly’s burned down home, one that she wanted.

While Howard went with the second story as the imposter, Robin picked the Marcia Cross report, and Fred chose the final story. After Artie selected the first story, Mike revealed Fred was the winner.

As Steve Langford was giving his Howard 100 News rundown, he broke the news that High Pitch Mike received $200 from Robin as a Christmas gift, despite the fact that he made a racial joke about her last year. High Pitch Mike then came into the studio and admitted he didn’t expect to receive such a gesture from Robin, who added she did the same for just one other member of the News team. However, Robin did say she sent the other reporters bottles of champagne, a gift which Steve responded he hadn’t yet received.

When Mutt called in to discuss tonight’s “SuperFan RoundTable,” Howard played a clip of one of the show’s frequent contributors, Pedro. In the segment, Pedro, who speaks with a heavy Spanish accent, made the following predictions for 2007:

• Howard and Beth would have a child (actually, twins)

• Bubba the Love Sponge would be divorced three months after his wedding

• Beetlejuice would pass away

Before getting to Robin’s news, Howard first played some tapes of James Brown’s wife, Tommie Raye Hynie, on “Larry King Live” talking about James’ death, as well as the controversy of whether the two were legally married when he passed away.

Following the clips, Gary came into the studio and reported he asked Tommie to be on the show, but she declined his offer because she was “in mourning,” even though she’d been on a number of other shows in the last week.

Howard also played a tape of Barbara Walters defending her “View” costar, Rosie O’Donnell, in regard to her ongoing battle with Donald Trump. In it, Barbara said Rosie wasn’t in danger of losing her job on the show, pointing out that publications like USA Today, the New York Times and Entertainment Weekly have all praised the program since Rosie joined it late last year.

• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake ended their relationship.

• Mike Tyson was arrested for cocaine possession.

• A judge froze O.J. Simpson’s assets to determine how much money he should be giving to the families of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman.

• Busta Rhymes was arrested for punching a man.

• Jim Lampley was also arrested on the charge of domestic violence.

• A man driving to his wife’s wake killed her sister when he got in a car accident en route to the service.

• The man who rescued a teenager on a New York subway platform has been given money and other rewards for his bravery.

• A school shooting occurred in the state of Washington.

• Experts are predicting this winter to be one of the warmest ever.

• Gerald Ford was laid to rest yesterday.

• President Bush wants democrats and republicans to find “common ground” in Congress.

• The president also claimed he hadn’t seen the video of Saddam Hussein being hung to death.

• Arrests have been made as a result of the Saddam video.

• A video featuring four captured Americans in Iraq has surfaced.

• A meteor crashed into a New Jersey home.