YUCKO & YOKO THE CLOWNS
The Howard Stern Show for January 31, 2007

The show began with yet another voicemail from Artie, this one assuring Howard there was “nothing sinister” going on, but he was sick once again and would therefore miss his third day of work out of the last four. After Artie promised he’d be in tomorrow, Robin claimed she wasn’t surprised by the news because he has a gig this weekend in Las Vegas. Howard then played a clip from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” of a truck driver insisting he’d just been passed on the road by the supposedly sick Artie, and, when the trucker gave details about the car he’d seen, there was a long pause before Gary said he didn’t think there was anything to the story.

Howard then compared a clip of Artie calling into work this morning – a day he was sick – to one he left back when he was really was on drugs. Following the tapes, Howard noted he still thought Artie was sick this week and not on drugs, but admitted his voice sounded similar in all the clips.

Howard mentioned he was “jealous” of Beth last night, explaining she went to a movie premiere while he had to go to bed early. This led Robin to say she used to “resent” strangers she’d see going out in the evening knowing she had to get up so early, but added the pictures she saw of people in clubs all night didn’t appeal to her either. Howard responded by recalling how he went to clubs all the time after his divorce to meet women, and told the story about a girl he once met who called a bouncer the n-word as they left a club. Howard went on to say he was so disturbed by the girl’s behavior that he “pushed her out of the cab” they shared to get home from the club, and that he never talked to her again.

Howard brought up that he had “a bunch of friends” who’d taken to pronouncing the word “literally” as “litrally,” and, when Robin pressed him, admitted the people in question were Mary McCormack and his friend Richie from Nobu. Howard went on to say he was putting his friends “on notice,” adding that he didn’t like this habit, especially because they weren’t from England. Howard also mentioned he and Beth had Mary over to their apartment on New Year’s Eve, which was when he noticed her pronunciation of the word.

Howard revealed he’d been getting a number of film offers recently, but that he didn’t like any of them. Howard proceeded to say that, when he made “Private Parts,” the production company gave him a ping-pong table to calm him down. After hearing that Julia Roberts was given a private jet ride home to NY every weekend when she was filming a movie in England, Howard commented that he didn’t think many actresses had the potential of having a career like that. However, Robin felt Reese Witherspoon might get there, while thought Hilary Swank was approaching those heights as well.

Jessica Hahn called to say she thought Artie should be tested for drugs, and recommended Howard call him this morning to see how he was. However, Howard replied he wasn’t going to wake Artie up, and certainly wasn’t going to make him take a drug test. After Howard insisted he thought Artie really was sick and not on drugs, Robin pointed out she’d noticed an increase in the number of drug-related stories Artie has been telling lately, so she wasn’t sure what she believed.

When Hooknose Mike called in to say how much he liked Sarah Silverman on the show yesterday, Howard agreed, but read e-mails from people who felt otherwise. In them, some writers accused Sarah of being “the worst guest ever,” while another informed Howard he ruined the interview by pushing the issue about her masturbatory habits. Howard added, though, that he also received a number of positive e-mails about Sarah’s appearance, but that he still didn’t understand the backlash.

Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” fame got on the line to talk about the recently revealed sex video of him and Paris Hilton, but after saying hello, he went completely silent. This led Howard to ask Joe if he was high, but he insisted he wasn’t, and was instead “just chillin’”...in bed. As Joe began talking again, Howard acknowledged he didn’t understand how Joe had enough money to afford private jets, and Robin figured it had to do with the fact that “Girls Gone Wild” was a subscription series.

Joe claimed he wasn’t happy that the Paris tapes were released, but both Howard and Robin thought he was behind their release. However, Joe promised that wasn’t the case and was planning on suing the tapes’ distributors. Joe went on to say the man behind the tapes tried to extort him for $7 million, and, when he refused to pay that, he then released the videos. Joe also noted he owned the copyright to the tapes, so, even if they were released, he thought he should be getting money from them.

Howard reported there were images of Valtrex prescriptions (a herpes medication) on the Website where the tapes were being sold, but Joe promised he was clean and thought Paris was as well. Joe then acknowledged he had sex with Paris, but denied he was ever with Lindsay Lohan. As Joe again began fading out, Howard informed him he was “a sh*tty interview” this morning, but he responded it was because of his phone connection, not that he didn’t want to talk.

After Joe talked about a man who once threatened him at gunpoint, a caller claimed he was “getting high” just listening to him, but Joe replied that he only had 3 hours of sleep prior to the call and noted that he’d get out of the bed for the rest of it so he wouldn’t fall asleep. Joe continued to claim he wasn’t looking to make any money off the Paris videos, but wanted to stop them from being sold instead.

When Howard asked Joe who “the best” sexual partner he’s ever had was, he named Paris. Joe proceeded to suggest people visit the Website to watch his video so they could see how “good” she was themselves. This led Howard to point out that Joe had referenced the site a number of times during the interview, which he thought was another sign that Joe was behind it. However, Joe again denied any ties to the site.

Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate, Mary Carey, stopped by and reported she was being sued by Mariah Carey not for her similar name, but because Mariah didn’t want her to be able to trademark the name “Mary Carey.” Since Mariah’s name was mentioned, Howard played a tape from “Extra,” of the reporter talking about how Mariah was upset with Howard for calling her “fat.” This led Howard to recall how Mariah was so upset with him that she actually called his house to confront him about the remark, and that he told her it was because he really liked her, even though he admitted she wasn’t buying it.

Mary commented she hasn’t been in many pornos in her career, mostly because of her run for governor in California and her appearances on this show. Mary then said she and one of her porn friends went out last night, and that was why she seemed “out of it” today. Mary proceeded to note she wasn’t “easy to get” when she went to clubs, adding she had difficulty finding men taller than her. In fact, Mary added her latest conquest, Evil Jared of the Bloodhound Gang, was 6’5”.

On request, Mary took off her clothes, and Howard acknowledged she looked “pretty good” to him. Mary then asked her “ex-future husband,” Will Murray, to spank her, and he replied he would if it’d “shut her the f’ up.” Will proceeded to spank Mary, demanding she call herself “a dirty little whore,” which Mary did. Mary also claimed she wanted to marry Will, who said he was happy with his current fiancé and told her to stay away from him. Mary also said she used to hang out with Chyna Doll and the porn star, Kendra Jade, but that she stopped seeing Chyna because she was “too wild” for her.

Mary mentioned she had to drop out of the gubernatorial race a few years ago because her mother jumped from the fourth-story of her apartment building in a suicide attempt. Mary then said her mom broke her back and hurt her foot in the incident, but that she was now very happy to be alive. This led Howard to ask if Mary got into porn because of her mother, but she responded that wasn’t the case, but was more likely the lack of a father figure during her childhood that lured her to the business.

Before she left the studio, Mary agreed to catch M&Ms with her breasts for plugs, but Howard stopped the game once Will threw a cupcake (which wouldn’t be have been eaten anyway as Artie was out sick) at her and she tossed back at him.

When Yucko the Clown came into the studio, he introduced his girlfriend, Nicole, to the show. After a discussion with Nicole about how the two met, Yucko denied that he and Sal were feuding over Sal’s treatment of Gary the Retard at a recent show they did together. However, Will insisted Yucko had told him there was a dispute between the two, but Yucko again said there wasn’t. Yucko went on to admit he couldn’t afford to get married, but that the ideal appealed to him.

Nicole said both Craig Gass and the Rev. Bob Levy tried to pick her up when she worked at a comedy club, but that she turned both down. Nicole added that the thing that bothered her most about Craig was that he approached her and used a line about how he once was on “Sex in the City,” even though this happened “a decade ago.”

Shuli called in to say Nicole accompanied Yucko to strip clubs all the time, and that she gave him permission to get lap dances from the women – which was why he had given her the nickname, Yoko the Clown. Yucko then reported he recently had his bags checked at an airport and had to explain all the dildos he had with him. Yucko next said when his former show, “Stankervision,” was cancelled by MTV, he lost the rights to the characters he’d created for it. Given this, Yucko admitted he had to pay the network to get his characters back, which Howard noted made him question his business decisions.

When Yucko said Lisa Lampanelli wouldn’t let him sell his CDs after opening for her at a comedy show, Robin noted she didn’t think the practice of selling the discs out of a suitcase sounded “very professional” to her. Yucko then mentioned Lisa told him personally about her decision not to allow him to hock his CDs, and called her “the Prince of Whales” instead of her other title, “the Queen of Mean.” The topic of marriage then came up again, and Yucko commented they were setting a date for 2075.

The Rev. Bob Levy then called in to admit he “gave Nicole his key” following one of his sets at the club where she used to work, and that he could’ve “gotten her” had he put more effort into his pickup. However, Nicole insisted she wasn’t interested in Bob, and that, prior to getting to know Yucko, she’d told herself she would never date a comedian.

Howard announced there was a musical special set to premiere on Howard 100 the weekend of February 17, and it was going to feature interviews and performances with as many of the musicians who appeared on the show as possible. Jon Hein, one of the people putting the special together, then came into the studio and said the special would last between 10 and 12 hours.

Jeff the Drunk called in to say he was still working as the “backdoorman” at the grocery store he started working at several months ago, and that he had every Wednesday off. Jeff then reported the store changed owners recently, but the new owner has personally assured him he’d be able to keep his job. Howard responded by saying he was happy to hear Jeff still had his job, and advised him not to tell his new employer about the existence of door stops.

Cyndi Lauper, who was in the SIRIUS building to meet someone, dropped in to say hello. Upon seeing her, Howard noted Cyndi looked good to him, and he asked if she had any work done, but she said she hadn’t. Cyndi then noted she recently toured with Cher, but claimed she didn’t know what Howard meant when he pointed out that Cher had gained weight lately.

After talking about the time she appeared on “Canadian Idol,” Cyndi denied she was a psychic, even though Gary read a news story that suggested otherwise. Cyndi then thanked Howard for letting her come in, explaining she wasn’t sure how he’d respond to her stopping in unannounced. Prior to her exit, Howard brought up that he saw Cyndi performing “Time After Time” with Sarah McLachlan on television, and played a clip of it. Although Howard admitted he “loved hearing Cyndi sing,” he didn’t feel the same way about Sarah, even though Cyndi insisted she was good.

During Robin’s news, Craig Gass called in and claimed Yucko’s girlfriend, Nicole, was the one who hit on him, and he had naked pictures of her she sent him on his cell phone to prove it. Nicole then came back into the studio and said she didn’t remember sending Craig the pictures in question. However, when Craig described the photographs, Nicole admitted she sent him one of herself posing in her a thong, but that it was a picture many people had because it was a joke. Yucko then told Craig he never had a chance with Nicole, and she backed up Yucko’s assertion. After Craig acknowledged he never slept with Nicole, Howard responded that, to him, it sounded like Nicole was the one telling the truth.

JD came into the studio and an intern accused him of flirting with her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. Howard responded to the news by saying he thought JD always had to act like “a bad ass,” and also attributed his behavior to the fact that his mom refused to visit him from Hawaii. The intern went on to claim JD made a pass at her once when she gave him a ride home, and that she told him to be more respectful around her. In fact, the intern added that JD didn’t even thank her for the ride, and didn’t say goodbye to her either. It was because of this that the intern noted she refused to talk to JD, and stopped e-mailing him through their MySpace pages as well.

When Richard said he’d noticed how JD’s breath has improved lately, Doug Goodstein of HowardTV came in to ask how Richard could say anything about anyone else’s personal hygiene considering Richard’s own body odor was so bad this morning that it made his eyes water.

• “American Idol” continues to be a ratings juggernaut.

• Sienna Miller and Diddy have been seen together.

• Rumors are circulating that Sienna’s relationship with Jude Law isn’t over.

• A doctor gave fertility treatment to a 67-year-old woman who lied about her age and gave birth to twins.

• The Super Bowl will take place this weekend.

• The Police are reuniting for a performance at the Grammys next month.

• President Bush will be in New York today to discuss health issues tied to the 9/11 cleanup.

• Admiral William Fallon has criticized the president for his handling of the war in Iraq.

• Groups of scientists have issued reports about global warming.

• A DVD about Chubby Checker was released.

• Waiters have sued a New York restaurant over the tips they didn’t receive.

• Brandy is being sued for a car accident she caused recently.

• Miss USA was released from rehab for drinking and taking drugs.

• Diane Keaton is in the new movie, “Because I Said So.”

• Peter Webber directed the movie, “Hannibal Rising.”

• Author, Sidney Sheldon, died at the age of 89.