ARTIE RETURNS
The Howard Stern Show for February 1, 2007

Howard started today admitting he “lost the bet yesterday,” because Artie was back at work this morning. After Artie told Howard he should’ve called him so he could’ve “fixed the bet,” Robin claimed she knew Artie was going to be in the studio today in order to plug his appearances this weekend in Las Vegas. Howard then pointed out there were many rumors that Artie was back on heroin which is why he missed three shows in the past week, but he assured Howard if he was back on drugs, he wouldn’t have been able to function well enough to be in the studio on Monday, which he was. Artie next reported he had a cough he “could not suppress,” plus a fever, and that was why he didn’t come in. Artie also said he caught a replay of yesterday’s show, and he wasn’t offended by all the heroin talk, but one of Yuko’s lines – that Artie was so fat he went from “a Wop to a Whopper” – got to him.

Howard asked Artie if he planned on “taking care of himself at all” in Las Vegas this weekend, and he responded he “couldn’t guarantee” whether or not he would go to bed early. Robin added that, since yesterday was cupcake day at Studio 69 and Artie wasn’t there, she at least considered he was actually sick.

When Artie heard that the vending machine in the hall might start accepting credit cards, he acknowledged he sometimes offered people a $5 bill in exchange for a single $1 bill so he could buy things from the machine. Artie went on to say he used to know a drug dealer who took credit cards, acknowledging he felt like he was handing his credit card “to the devil” every time he bought drugs from the guy.

Eric the Midget called in to say he was “dying” to be roasted, but Howard insisted he wouldn’t let it happen because he figured Eric would either not show up or start making demands in order for it to happen. Sal then came into the studio and reported Eric got “a harassment warning” for repeatedly calling a celebrity, but Eric claimed he only called the woman just “several times.” Eric explained that the woman in question was having people follow her back to her apartment, and he received a warning because of those peoples’ actions. He also denied Gary’s report that he sent her flowers. Although Eric wouldn’t reveal the woman’s name, he mentioned a number of times that he had her number because the TV show, “‘Three Wishes,’ gave out a lot of information” about her.

Howard acknowledged he was afraid he’d end up feeling badly for Eric if he allowed him to be roasted, comparing the idea to bits he did in the past featuring a woman with no arms trying to eat and Siamese twins connected by the head singing “The Star Spangled Banner.” When Sal then admitted he’d have trouble roasting Eric given his condition, Eric responded he thought his rebuttals would trump any of the comics’ insults. Eric again claimed he wanted to be roasted, and referred to Howard as “a chicken shit” for refusing his request.

Howard read a number of e-mails about Artie, with some claiming they knew Artie was on heroin, while others noting they felt the show was better without him. After Howard assured Artie he also received plenty of “love” from listeners as well, he added he received mail yesterday praising Sarah Silverman’s appearance on Tuesday, noting the e-mails balanced all the negative mail he got about her earlier in the week.

After reading a few emails about JD, Howard played a clip from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” of JD’s father, Chuck, and Ralph arguing over remarks Ralph made suggesting Chuck was only in JD’s life because of his radio fame. However, JD came into the studio and said his dad was always in his life, so Ralph’s claim didn’t have merit. JD added his dad was “trying” to have a relationship with him, explaining some of Chuck’s past prevented him from being a role model for years. After Howard speculated that JD didn’t really like having Chuck call into the show, Chuck then called in to apologize for making his son uncomfortable, and promised he’d “figure it out,” although he also admitted he did enjoy hearing himself on the air.

Howard took a call from a man named Leonard, who explained how he “legally died” after being beaten and claimed to have “seen hell” when he did. Leonard then explained he was beaten because he “used to be gay,” recalling he left a club that night and was approached by men with bats who “pummeled” him. Leonard went on to say he suffered broken bones and nerve damage from the attack, and that the afterlife he “saw” was “misty and didn’t smell very good,” and that the light he saw confused him. Which is why Leonard thought he was witnessing hell, not heaven, and that God spoke to him and warned him he needed to change his lifestyle.

Leonard said his recovery from the beating took six months, and that he was now in perfect health. Leonard added that, although he was still attracted to men, he was listening to God and was now dating a woman. Upon hearing that, Howard noted he thought Leonard would go back to having sex with men, but he replied that wasn’t the case. Leonard proceeded to admit he tried to “convert” other gay men in chat rooms to help them, and claimed he was successful occasionally.

Howard took calls about Leonard’s story, with one comparing him to Sylvia Browne. Leonard then commented he’d made other lifestyle changes as well since he died, including eating meat, hunting – which he claimed made him “manly” – and not drinking soy milk, a product he thought increased the possibility of making men gay. Howard ended Leonard’s interview with another call, this one from a guy who claimed he used to be black until he was beaten, died and came back as a white man.

Eric the Midget called back in to say he was going to be persistent about being the show’s next roastee, insisting he could handle it. However, Howard again told Eric he didn’t think the potential roast would be effective because the comedians wouldn’t want to make fun of him, and that he’d be depressed for Eric as well. Artie then asked why Eric was so interested in being roasted, to which he replied, “To prove I can take it.” Howard then noted he’d been in the radio business for years, and assured Eric his roast wouldn’t be funny.

To please Eric, Howard went around the room to see if everyone felt the same as him, and Gary was the only one who didn’t – but only because he thought Eric was such a pest he wanted to see him get roasted. Eric then said “F’ you all” when Howard informed him he needed to abide by the show vote.

Howard read an article that speculated he would get married soon, and Gary came into the studio and said he agreed with the piece. Gary then explained that, during the commercial, Howard told him about a conversation he had recently about wedding rings with a jeweler friend of his, and Robin noted people who weren’t thinking about marriage wouldn’t be having such discussions. Howard responded by denying he was getting married, but also acknowledged he and Beth often “fantasized” about what their wedding would be like if they were to tie the knot.

Gary went on to read that Ben Affleck bought J-Lo a $3 million engagement ring, while Donald Trump paid $1 million for the ring he gave Melania. After Artie claimed he paid $50,000 for the loose diamond he bought for Dana, Fred noted he spent only $8,000 on the ring he picked for Allison, although he added he bought her “a bigger ring” a few years later.

Ralph got on the line and predicted Howard would get married, although he acknowledged he didn’t know why he’d want to, given how good his relationship with Beth was. This led Howard to admit he didn’t want to ruin what he and Beth had, but Gary pointed out Ralph was leaving out the fact that most people “evolve” when they got married, adding that, given his experience in relationships, Ralph was the last person Howard should listen to. However, Ralph insisted he knew many married couples, and none of them ever told him how great their married lives were.

After Howard said he understood why people got married because it proved the couple was committed to each other, Gary noted he thought Ralph was against them getting married because he was afraid his relationship with Howard would change as a result. Jessica Hahn then called in to suggest that Howard and Beth elope, but Robin demanded he not do that, seeing as she wanted to see them get married. Artie then pointed out he had an anti-marriage conversation with Tim Sabean recently, reporting that Tim couldn’t go to the Super Bowl this weekend because he didn’t think his wife would allow it.

Sal then came into the studio and said the reason he felt Beth was so in love with him now was because she didn’t have “two bags of his cash” in her hands, but Howard pointed out that Beth would sign a prenup prior to their potential marriage, so he wasn’t concerned with that.

Howard commented he had a bit for Artie, which involved mixing all the food and drink he consumed in a typical day together in a big barrel in an attempt to disgust him to the point he stops eating and drinking so much. However, as the food and drink – which consisted of cookies, a buttered bagel, coffee, peanut M&Ms, root beer, candy, pizza, candy bars, chicken parmesan, meatballs with gravy, Hawaiian Punch, French toast, syrup and garlic knots – were mixed, Artie insisted it was “a waste of food,” and that he felt anyone’s food – regardless of his or her diet – mixed together would look gross. In fact, the bit had such little impact on Artie that he said looking at the barrel was “making him hungry.”

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which of the reports is definitely fake. Here were the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Teri Hatcher crashed into a parked car while riding her bike.

(2) Tom Cruise asked people from Disneyworld to allow him and Katie to stay at a castle in the theme park, despite the rules that guests there needed to be randomly selected...and was refused.

(3) Katie Holmes “freaked” when a salesgirl couldn’t ring up a pair of shoes she was going to buy right when she wanted.

(4) Jaime Foxx allowed a waitress to write her own tip, and thanked him for allowing her to keep the $1,500 tip she gave herself.

When Howard, Robin, Artie and Fred all went with the Tom Cruise story, Mike revealed they were all correct.

Sgt. Keith Manning, who had two tours of duty in Iraq, called in to talk about Artie. Before that, though, Keith said he was 38 and would be able to retire in eight months, with a monthly pension of more than $1,600 coming to him from the military. Keith then noted he was “for” Artie, and added he felt like he was being “dogged” by everyone on the show. This led Howard to ask if Artie felt he was being attacked on the show, which Artie claimed he didn’t. Artie went on to thank Keith for his words and told him they could get together when Keith visited the city later this month.

Artie admitted he was looking forward to the Super Bowl bets he was going to make this weekend, although he admitted he didn’t have any “locks.” Artie went on to say he was “shaking” he was so excited about the weekend, adding some of his friends were traveling with him as well. Artie then noted his suite in Las Vegas had a wading pool in it as well as four bedrooms, the latter being “for all the whores.” When Howard responded by pointing out he was glad Artie had “recovered” from his illness, Artie acknowledged he planned on “partying” during the weekend.

Steven Singer, a jewelry expert and friend/sponsor of the show, called in to say he thought Howard should spend between $40,000 and $70,000 for an engagement ring, which Howard thought seemed like a fair price to him. When Howard admitted he’d spent that much on other jewelry he’d bought for Beth in the past, Artie wondered if he thought he should spend even more on a wedding ring. However, Howard didn’t feel that was necessary.

• Billy Joel is going to release his first pop song in 14 years.

• Cross-nursing is becoming more prominent among mothers.

• Skeptics are wary of the Chicago Bears’ quarterback Rex Grossman being able to lead his team to a Super Bowl win this weekend.

• The coastguard has called off its search for a missing Microsoft researcher.

• A tortilla crisis continues to plague Mexico.

• Senator Joe Biden’s presidential campaign is off to a controversial start.

• More civilians died in Iraq in January than any other month during the war.

• Experts are warning people about counterfeit Super Bowl tickets.

• People in Boston thought devices placed in the city for marketing a cartoon were bombs.

• A woman was found mentally incompetent to face charges that she starved two of her sons.

• Lawmakers in Connecticut are pushing for gay marriage in the state.

• Today marks the first day of Black History Month.

• President Bush met yesterday with the son of a man who died while cleaning the World Trade Center site.

• The president also made remarks about CEOs and their salaries.

• Senator Arlen Specter is calling the president’s war decision-making power into question.

• “The Sarah Silverman Program” premieres tonight on Comedy Central.