VEGAS IS GOOD
The Howard Stern Show for February 5, 2007

The show started with Howard criticizing the Coca-Cola’s Black History Month commercial that ran during last night’s Super Bowl, noting he thought it only aired because both team’s coaches – Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith – were black. After Robin explained that she hated Black History Month because, to her, it merely celebrated the accomplishments of African Americans popular “in the moment,” Howard then launched into his Mama Lucaboobooday impression, discussing how disappointed he was that neither Super Bowl coach “talked black,” adding they wouldn’t be allowed into his state of “Neblackska” given what he described as their “whiteness.” Despite this, Mama mentioned he was rooting for Lovie to win the game because he felt he at least looked like “a real black man.”

Robin mentioned her favorite commercial of the night was the one featuring David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey promoting “Late Show,” which led Howard to wonder what was in it for Oprah. Gary thought Oprah might’ve thought the piece was funny and that was why she was in it, while Robin guessed Oprah agreed to it because Dave once accompanied her to the Broadway premiere of “The Color Purple.”

Howard then changed the subject, asking if the authorities ever figured out why Tony Dungy’s son, James, committed suicide 14 months ago, but Gary told him the answers given were “vague.” Robin thought James committed suicide by driving a car into a lake, but corrected herself when she read he was found dead in his apartment following what police thought was a drug overdose. Artie then mentioned he thought Robin was thinking about Dr. J’s son, Cory, who did drown, but Howard acknowledged he liked Robin’s initial description of how James died better than what really happened.

King of All Blacks proceeded to call in to refer to Lovie Smith as “a traitor” because his wife is white, and to say that, if he were Howard, he’d have a problem with his hypothetical daughter dating a black man, unlike what Howard said a few weeks ago. King went on to explain he’d be offended if his daughter dated a white man because he wouldn’t look like him, but Howard insisted he didn’t feel the same way.

Howard brought up Prince’s halftime performance last night, noting that he loved it, as did Artie and Robin. Howard went on to say he listened to Stevie Nicks’ pre-game performance, and that he liked that as well. Following a clip of Stevie singing, Howard said he “got chills” when Prince played “Purple Rain,” and added he thought the guitar riff in that song should’ve made Guitar World’s list of the 100 Greatest Guitar Solos. Fred then played a clip of the studio version of “Purple Rain,” while Howard played the tape of the Super Bowl performance. During it, Howard noted a newspaper columnist wrote this morning that he thought the Rolling Stones’ recent Super Bowl halftime show trumped Prince’s, but Howard didn’t know if he felt the same way.

Fred then pointed out he thought the Super Bowl solo was “out of tune,” and predicted Prince’s guitar technician was fired immediately after halftime because of it. As Howard played the solo again, though, he insisted Prince was going for the rough sound of the performance, while Fred remained adamant that that wasn’t the case.

Howard said he felt the Super Bowl was exciting largely because of the rain, but wondered why the game wasn’t held in a domed stadium to avoid such a problem. This led Howard to recall the time he went to a Super Bowl in Detroit – which is a domed stadium – and that everyone there had a great time because they were able to take off their coats and watch the game even though it took place in winter.

When Howard described how exciting it was to watch Devin Hester run the opening kickoff back for a touchdown, Artie commented there must have been a bet that would happen. Because the topic of betting came up, Howard noted there was one discussed in the studio whether or not Artie would have sex in Las Vegas this past weekend, and Artie responded the winning wager there was “yes.”

However, before he got to that, Artie admitted he lost a total of $500 on the game, even though he lost $5,500 because he bet on the “over,” which was 48 points. Artie added, though, that he won $1,000 on the coin toss, as well as $2,500 on the game itself – picking the Indianapolis Colts, who were giving seven points to the Chicago Bears – and $1,500 on the “under” of Rex Grossman’s total rushing yards, which was -1. Artie added that he also won $700 gambling in Las Vegas, which he counted toward his winnings as well, so he actually won $200 during the weekend.

Artie recalled he had “a nice flight” to Las Vegas on Thursday night, where he landed at midnight. Artie then said he had “a very fun, American weekend,” even though his hotel suite didn’t have a wading pool as he was told it would have. Artie went on to say he did four sold-out shows at the Luxor over the weekend, and that he asked some of his friends to perform with him as well. Artie added the woman he planned on sleeping with came backstage following one of his shows, and that he thought she was “hot.” Artie next commented he spotted another woman – who he claimed was “an 11” – in the front row during one of his performances, and that he grabbed her onstage with him, but quickly found out she was at the show with her fiancé.

Artie went on to say there were so many women backstage after his first show that it would’ve seemed like he “had a lot going on” to a bystander. Artie then acknowledged Dan the Song Parody Man was the one who arranged for the first woman to be with Artie, adding Dan told her that Artie was busy and that she should stick with him until everyone left and he would “deliver” her to Artie’s hotel room after his last show. Howard responded by pointing out he felt Artie would’ve spent the night “romancing” the woman if Dan hadn’t acted on his behalf, so he was glad Dan had “taken care of that” for him.

Artie reported a woman he met in Las Vegas years ago contacted him Friday night, which was the first time he was ever on the receiving end of “a booty call.” Because this woman agreed to meet Artie in his hotel room after she was done stripping at 3 a.m., Artie said he asked Dan if the other woman would come over to his room on Saturday night instead, but she couldn’t. Artie added the stripper showed up at his hotel room at 3:30 a.m., and she immediately gave him a lap dance. Artie then commented he and the woman “banged until 6 a.m.,” and that “many rubbers” were used throughout the morning.

When Howard asked if the woman saw Artie naked, he admitted she did, but that he didn’t care seeing how good he was feeling. Artie went on to describe how the woman woke him up at 2 p.m. on Saturday with oral sex, and that he was still able to finish, despite all the sex they’d had the night before. Artie added that he let the woman order breakfast, which he acknowledged was a mistake because all she got was coffee, juice and fruit. Artie then said he asked the woman to come back to his suite later that night, but that she didn’t because she was working. After hearing the story, Howard asked Artie if he was concerned about getting herpes following the oral sex, and he admitted there was a chance, but that he could also get “hit by a bus” as well, which wouldn’t feel as good as what the woman did to him.

Dan the Song Parody Man got on the line to describe the stripper as, “Miss Howard Stern with a tighter body,” adding that he was able to go to Las Vegas because one of his business associates from the Hard Rock Café flew him out there. Dan then commented the woman he tried to arrange for Artie to sleep with was “hot, but not as hot” as the stripper, who he described as “amazingly hot.” Although Artie claimed he could date a stripper, he acknowledged he’d have to advise the woman to keep her profession a secret if she were to ever meet his mother.

Artie also commented he ran into Jamie-Lynn DiScala, who plays Meadow Soprano at a club, and described her as “smoking hot.” Artie then acknowledged the highlight of his weekend was when “a midget” at the club got so drunk he threw up in an ice bucket.

Howard asked who won “The Stupid Bowl,” the flag football game between guys from the show and a bunch of drag queens, HowardTV ran during halftime of last night’s Super Bowl. Gary informed him the drag queen team won the game. This led Gary to say Jason dropped what would’ve been the winning touchdown pass in the game, and has since gone back on antidepressants as a result. Jason then came into the studio and admitted Gary’s report was true, explaining the event reminded him of his four-year career in Little League, in which he claimed he never got a single hit.

Howard brought up that Artie flies his assistant, Teddy, with him whenever he travels, and that Gary was upset with Teddy. Howard then revealed Artie forgot to place the $200 bet on the Colts that Jon Hein asked him to make for him, so Artie instead gave Jon his $200 winnings out of his own pocket. Howard went on to say Gary was angry at Teddy because he thought Teddy should’ve taken the initiative of placing the bet for Jon himself. However, Artie explained that Teddy had a problem with one of his teeth while in Las Vegas, and ended up having emergency root canal surgery as a result.

To explain why he had a problem with Teddy, Gary said the Christmas gifts he bought Artie didn’t arrive until the day after the final broadcast in December, and that he wanted to mail the package to Artie so that he could get it by Christmas. However, Teddy assured him he’d personally deliver the presents to Artie instead, but didn’t do what he promised. Artie responded by saying he was happy with the job Teddy was doing, explaining that it was his fault Teddy wasn’t able deliver Gary’s present earlier. Howard then commented that he wanted the conversation to continue when Teddy was able to come into the studio to defend himself.

Howard took a call from Michelle, the woman Artie pulled onstage during one of his Las Vegas shows. Michelle explained she just graduated from college, and was currently modeling and was thinking about going to graduate school. After Michelle mentioned she thought Artie was “so nice and so accommodating” even though he knew she was engaged, she added she had a friend who looked like her – but wasn’t engaged, and would try to arrange for Artie to meet her.

Howard read a letter from a man named Kevin who claimed he “broke his penis” during sex, and he got him on the line. Kevin reported his girlfriend, who caused him the problem, was on top of him during sex, and that she was “bouncing up and down” so violently that she “bent” his penis. Kevin proceeded to say the “cartilage and blood vessels” in his penis burst after the incident, which caused him to “spurt blood” out of his hole all over his couch and carpet, as well as the woman herself. Despite his condition, Kevin noted he and his girlfriend were “so drunk” that they couldn’t drive to the hospital, so they instead showered and went to bed for awhile – where they unsuccessfully tried to have sex again.

Kevin went on to mention he ended up going to the emergency room the following day, and was told he had “a penile fracture.” To make matters worse, Kevin added he needed to have dye squirted into his penis via a catheter, and described the pain he felt as a result measured “a 9.5 out of 10.”

Howard noted the two commercials he liked during the Super Bowl were the Sierra Mist spot featuring Jim Gaffigan’s comb over, and the “manly” Snickers ad. After Robin pointed out she liked Kevin Federline’s commercial for Nationwide Insurance, Howard responded he didn’t like it at all. Howard went on to say he had a hard time identifying what many of the ads were trying to cell, citing “the dog commercial” as an example, which led Fred to inform him the spot was for Budweiser. Howard admitted feeling “stupid” watching some of the commercials because he knew they were written for people without intelligence but he still didn’t understand them, and pointed out the “slapping” commercial – which no one in the studio could recall what was for – was another example of that.

When Howard questioned how anyone came up with the idea for the robot killing itself – which was a commercial for General Motors – he added he didn’t understand the commercial where the men stripped to their underwear either, which was for Chevrolet. Gary then noted he didn’t “get” the commercial starring Robert Goulet – which was for Emerald Nuts – while everyone agreed Go Daddy’s commercial wasn’t very effective either. Gary then acknowledged he thought Coca-Cola’s spot that was like a video game looked good, but Howard replied he thought the company spent too much money on it. Howard did admit again, though, that he enjoyed the commercial for “Late Show” that featured David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey.

Artie’s assistant, Teddy, came into the studio and said he read up on the earlier discussion about him on the Stern Fan Network. Gary then told Teddy some people in the office were jealous of him because he got the job as Artie’s assistant in the first place, explaining they thought they could do a better job for the amount of money Teddy was being paid. In fact, Gary added Jon Hein told him he didn’t give Teddy his money to bet in Las Vegas because he didn’t think he was responsible enough to place the bet for him.

When the topic of Gary’s Christmas gifts to Artie came up, Teddy claimed he didn’t give them to Artie as he had promised to because he didn’t get see Artie over the Christmas vacation as he originally thought he would. Gary also noted he questioned Teddy’s work ethic, saying he usually had to ask him a number of times to do some things. However, Artie pointed out he felt Teddy was “aggressive” when it came to helping him, and he felt he paid him a reasonable part-time salary for his service, especially in the New York area.

Ronnie the Limo Driver reported that people in the offices were upset with Teddy because they felt like he was getting a big head as a result of his job. Ronnie added Teddy also seemed to pop up whenever there were naked women in the studio – even when the studio was restricted during those times – but Artie jokingly noted he knew “no one else from the show does that.”

Artie reiterated that he was happy with Teddy’s work, but admitted there was one time when he was angry at him. Artie then recalled that, on New Year’s Eve, Teddy and his girlfriend were so drunk that they bothered him during their limo ride home from the show he did in Philadelphia that night, when all he wanted to do was relax and listen to his iPod. Will proceeded to come into the studio to insist he wasn’t jealous that he didn’t get the assistant job, but also admitted he didn’t appreciate Teddy’s attitude, noting that, to him, Teddy came off like he “deserved” the job. Jason also came in and said he got along with Teddy, and claimed he didn’t have a problem with him either.

Howard read an e-mail concerning porn star, Nikki Hunter, who was on the show in the past and was recently diagnosed with cancer. Howard then read the message, which revealed Nikki had leukemia, and, because of her condition, could no longer perform anal scenes. Upon hearing that, Artie pointed out the news sounded like when “Guidry lost his slider.”

A caller announced he saw a boy being flown with balloons during a Cirque Du Soleil performance prior to the Super Bowl, and Ralph called in to say he saw the bit as well. While Howard was wondering why Eric the Midget was so nervous about flying in the studio given the fact that others were doing it, Jon Hein came into the studio to report there was a safety harness on the boy’s seat, so he didn’t think Eric should be afraid of doing it.

Howard played a clip of Tyra Banks crying because of reports she’d read that claimed she was getting fat. In it, Tyra claimed she had a strong enough support system around her to help her deal with such criticisms before breaking down and telling such naysayers to “kiss my fat ass.” This led Robin to recall that Tyra recently did a show where she wore a fat suit in an attempt to know what it was like to “feel fat,” adding that she no longer needed the suit to find out what it was like. Howard then noted he didn’t understand why Tyra was angry about the comments, pointing out she was a model and on television, two things he felt left her open to remarks about her appearance.

While Jon Hein was in the studio, he acknowledged he wasn’t surprised Artie forgot to bet the $200 bet he asked him to place on the Colts in Las Vegas. Although Jon insisted Artie could’ve turned down his request given how small the amount was, Artie admitted he didn’t mind paying Jon with his own money since he did promise he’d place the bet for him. However, given Jon’s wealth, Artie pointed out he found the wager to be “homo-y.”

During Robin’s news, Bigfoot’s girlfriend, Lori, called in to report the two of them had broken up, and that she kicked him out of her house. Lori said she became furious at Bigfoot after he accused her of having a lesbian affair with her own daughter, and insisted he was telling lies – like that she was abusing him – about her as well. As Lori continued to make allegations, Howard interrupted her and noted he wanted to get her and Bigfoot on the line tomorrow to settle the matter.

• Rick Rubin has been offered an executive position at Columbia Records.

• Tomi Rae Hynie is suing for half of James Brown’s estate.

• “Rules of Engagement” hasn’t been receiving positive reviews.

• Ex-New Jersey Governor McGreevey is seeking a divorce from his wife.

• The mayor of San Francisco has admitted to having an affair.

• Paris Hilton has been accused of using racial and anti-gay remarks.

• A poll suggests most Americans think women like Britney Spears and link Lindsay Lohan aren’t positive influences for girls.

• The Rev. Al Sharpton is upset over statistics released by the New York City Police Department.

• A study revealed most teenagers have been exposed to internet porn.

• Taste tests have been conducted to see where the best coffee is served.

• A former singer was shot and killed by her husband.

• Some homeless people have had their cats taken away from them.

• Hillary Clinton has promised to end the war in Iraq if she’s elected president.

• Senator John McCain has spoken out against those critical of President Bush’s Iraq resolution.

• The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl.

• Tornados in Florida destroyed some communities in the state.

• Ralph Nader may run for president in 2008.

• Ryan O’Neal was arrested for assault.