IT TAKES SKIN TO WIN
The Howard Stern Show for February 26, 2007

The show began with a discussion of last night’s Oscar Awards, with Howard criticizing the wardrobe of the ceremony’s host, Ellen DeGeneres. After Howard mentioned Ellen’s outfit reminded him of “David Arquette on his way to a Halloween party,” Artie pointed out that even he knew her clothes were “odd.” Robin went on to say that she felt Ellen’s girlfriend, Portia de Rossi, should’ve helped out with her clothes, while Howard acknowledged he was happy Alan Arkin won the best supporting actor Oscar, even though he would have loved to have heard Eddie Murphy’s acceptance speech had he won instead.

Howard then read a list of the Martin Scorsese films that have lost in the category of best director –including “Goodfellas,” “Taxi Driver” and “Raging Bull” – before finally winning his first award yesterday for “The Departed.” Artie then called into question why the Oscars started so late, adding he thought the start time hurt “all the little gay kids” who wanted to watch the broadcast.

When a caller brought up the recent announcement of a potential merger between SIRIUS and XM, Robin congratulated Howard, explaining she read an article yesterday that stated Oprah Winfrey didn’t attract many subscribers to XM. Howard then said he’d seen the article in question and read it, including the line that Oprah caused “barely a ripple” in the subscription totals for the company. Howard went on to note he didn’t understand why XM execs thought people would pay to hear Oprah when they could watch her talk show everyday for free, while also admitting he thought SIRIUS would still end up “creaming” XM even if the merger didn’t go through.

Another caller asked if the potential merger would raise subscription costs for satellite listeners, and Howard responded by saying that, to him, just the opposite should happen. Howard then said he thought the money no longer needed to be spent on advertising competition between SIRIUS and XM would actually lower the cost of subscriptions, but also mentioned that was a question he’d ask SIRIUS’ CEO, Mel Karmazin, who would be on the show later in the morning. This led Artie to say he agreed with Howard, adding people didn’t “absolutely need” satellite radio, so he didn’t feel it’d make sense to raise the prices.

Howard reported he went to Miami over his vacation last week, but he had to go down there on Tuesday instead of Saturday as he had planned, due to a stomach virus he contracted. Howard then insisted he never visited The Stern Fan Network anymore, but that while in Florida he got a call from Ross Zapin informing him there was a paparazzi picture of him and Beth on the beach. As the photograph was put on a monitor in the studio, Howard commented he felt his hat covered up how young he actually looked and that he was “ripped,” before acknowledging posts made by “fans” on the topic didn’t bother him seeing as he’d already accepted that he “looked weird.”

Howard then pointed out Beth couldn’t stop looking at her engagement ring, noting that, even as they had some discussions about “personal matters” over vacation, she still couldn’t keep her eyes off it.

A caller noted how much he enjoyed the music special that ran two weekends ago on Howard 100, and Howard added he felt the same way about the premiere of the Spotlight Series, which focused on Billy West. Howard then commented one of the aspects he liked when Jackie Martling and Billy were on the show was how much they brought out of Fred in terms of his impressions, while Artie recalled how he listened to an episode of “Master Tape Theatre” last week, and that it was the one where Billy discussed the controversy surrounding his role on “The Ren & Stimpy Show” with John Kricfalusi, the man who created the voices on the program.

Gary then came into the studio to say that, although he “loved” Jackie, he’d forgotten just how often he laughed at his own jokes, but was reminded of it while he listened to the music special. Upon hearing that, Fred played a number of the Jackie laughs he had isolated, and Artie noted he thought some of them reached “a chimp level” in terms of their sounds.

After a caller referred to the specials as “the best week ever,” Howard added they were working on another program, “The History of the Howard Stern Show,” and described it as a two-week special about his career starting prior to his introduction to Fred and finishing with the present.

The caller went on to note that he called in all the time, but wanted to know how to become “a regular caller.” As Artie laughed at the question, Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill, and proceeded to ask him how he became a regular caller. Bill then remembered his first call to the show years ago was to recite “The Sulu Song,” and added his name wasn’t even Bill – that was the name Howard gave him for reasons he couldn’t remember – it was Josh. This led Howard to ask Josh if he ever called himself Bill in his real life, and he said he didn’t, and that it was sometimes difficult for him to convince people he was actually Bong Hit Bill given his birth name.

Howard said he had fun in Miami, although he had “one bone of contention” with his hotel: the sound equipment set up at the pool and the subsequent party that was held one night. After Artie advised Howard not to go “anywhere near South Beach” if he wanted to get rest, Howard reported that the hotel’s manager gave him a different, quieter room so he could sleep that night. Howard then joked all he really wanted was “to stay home” in the future.

Howard brought up that Tim Sabean had been bothering him lately to get Chubby Checker on the show, which he guessed was because they knew each other from Tim’s days in Philadelphia. However, Tim came into the studio and reported he recently found himself with in a car with Chubby, and Chubby played a portion of a new album he was working on. This led Artie to wonder what kind of “enormous car” could fit both Tim and Chubby in it, while Howard asked Tim if the wheels on the car “exploded,” which Tim claimed didn’t happen.

SIRIUS CEO, Mel Karmazin stopped in as promised, and Howard started by bringing up his “brilliant business move” with the potential merger between SIRIUS and XM. Mel replied by saying he brought up the idea for the merger as soon as he started at SIRIUS two years ago, and felt the battle between SIRIUS and XM was “anti-consumer.” Mel went on to note he thought SIRIUS would be successful regardless of what happened with the merger, mentioning that SIRIUS had added 5.4 million subscribers compared to XM’s 5.2 million since Howard announce he was headed to SIRIUS, even though XM had 2.5 million subscribers while SIRIUS had just 600,000 back then.

Mel then said the announcement of the merger wouldn’t have taken place if the people behind it weren’t confident that the government would approve it. Mel added he felt some of the complaints the government had been making about the potential merger proved just how big of a threat terrestrial radio felt satellite radio to be.

Mel noted the subscription price for SIRIUS had remained the same at $12.95 throughout its existence, and believed that wasn’t likely to change if the merger took place. Mel went on to say subscribers wouldn’t have to buy new radios if the merger went through either, and that they’d still be able to pick up programming that was originally exclusive to XM, and vice versa. Mel then noted the merger was designed with the consumer in mind, and that he was confident it would be approved because of all the “advantages” it would provide not only for the listeners, but also for the stores that sold satellite radios.

Mel said “the boards of both companies” chose him to be the CEO of the new satellite company, but insisted he would’ve stepped aside had the deal been delayed over the title. Mel added that he was satisfied with his attempt to merge SIRIUS and XM, no matter what the end result was. Howard then asked Mel what he thought the odds were of the merger being approved, and he responded “better than 50 percent” – at least when it came to the FCC making its decision.

Dominic Barbara called in and said the FCC would need to come up with a “rational basis” if it struck down the merger, but that Mel would be able to appeal such a decision even if that happened. Mel replied that, although that was true, he felt it would be “too time consuming” to bring the matter to court, so the merger was a one-shot deal. As the discussion continued, Artie said he and his “camp” had one question: After the merger, would the vending machine on the thirty-sixth floor carry both Linden’s Butter Crunchers and chocolate chip cookies like the one on the thirty-seventh floor did – Mel promised it would. Another caller wanted to know what the new service would be called, but Mel said no decision had been made on the matter. Because of this, Howard played the following Wack Pack responses as to what the service should be renamed:

• Wendy the Retard said “Jessica” because “it’s a really cool name”

• Blue Iris went with “Howard Stern” because she wanted to “suck his c*ck”

• Riley Martin replied with “Sirium”

• King of All Blacks thought “Surge” was the perfect choice

• Jeff the Drunk responded, “I don’t have a f’in’ name and I don’t give a f’...”

Mel mentioned he hoped to have the FCC’s decision on the merger by the end of the year, before adding only “four people” knew that the deal was being struck. Howard then asked Mel how long he waited until he had sex following the news, but Mel said he was so happy with the agreement that he didn’t need to have sex once it was made. Mel also claimed he wasn’t going to be nervous when he had to testify in front of Congress about the merger, although he added he couldn’t sleep last night because of his appearance on the show this morning.

This led Howard to ask if Congress should have to approve his other “merger” – namely, his engagement to Beth – but Mel assured him he was making the right move in marrying her. Howard then recommended that Mel address Congress either while wearing a dress or in black face, but Mel said he took such endeavors “extremely seriously.” When Mel proceeded to mention he was testifying on Wednesday at 3 p.m., but wasn’t flying to Washington, D.C. until 5 a.m. that morning, Howard questioned why he wasn’t leaving on Tuesday so he could sleep later on Wednesday. However, Mel assured Howard he’d not only be fresh for the meeting, but that he’d get there on time even if he had to drive to Washington, D.C. himself.

As Howard took a call from a listener, the listener was talking to his mom, telling her he was on the phone with the cable company. The caller then spoke to Howard, explaining he was obsessed with the show, but needed to keep it a secret from his parents because, at 23 years old, he was still living with them and earning just $100 every two weeks doing Internet work. The caller proceeded to insist he gave his mom rent money on a regular basis, although Howard acknowledged he doubted that was the case. The caller next referred to himself as “a loner, stoner and a virgin” before adding he masturbated five times a day in his bedroom. The caller then insisted he was “a virgin by choice,” mostly because he used to be “religious.” Despite this (or because of it), the caller claimed he once had sex with his cat, which led Howard to give him his own regular-caller name, “Captain Cat F’er.”

Mr. Skin, of Mr.Skin.com, came into the studio for this year’s edition of The Anatomy Awards, which honored the best nude scenes in the movies for 2006. Before he got to that, though, Howard commented that Mr. Skin gave the show a free password for his Website a year or two ago, and now more than 2,000 people – including folks from France and Portugal – have used it. Mr. Skin then laughed at the news, and added that, because of that, he’d created a separate password for each person from the show that he’d be handing out during his visit this morning.

Howard then had Mr. Skin read this year’s Anatomy Awards, which were:

• Best PG-13 Nude Scene: Jennifer Aniston in “The Break Up”

• Best Breasts: Salma Hayek in “Ugly Betty”

• Best 40 Or Over Nude Scene: Kyra Sedgwick in “Loverboy”

• Best Butt: Brittnay Daniel in “Rampage”

• Sexiest Network TV Scene: Ali Larter in “Heroes”

• Best Plumber’s Crack: Brooke Shields in “Nip/Tuck”

• Most Shocking Nudity in a Television Show: Rosie O’Donnell showing her rear end in “Nip/Tuck”

• Best Full Frontal: Gretchen Mol in “The Notorious Bettie Page”

• The Best Cable TV Show For Nudity: “The L Word”

Before he left the studio, Mr. Skin named Tatum O’Neal as the actress he was most disappointed in when he saw her nude, and acknowledged he was worried about an upcoming event he had to attend at his daughter’s school: Bring Your Parent to Work Day. Howard then went around the room asking what actress people wanted to see naked, and Fred replied Jessica Alba, while Artie chose Jessica Biel and Richard picked Eva Mendes. Mr. Skin then informed Richard that Eva wasn’t only nude in the film “Training Day,” but that she demanded she appear in the buff even though the director offered to let her be in bra and panties in the scene in question. Mr. Skin next commented that, in addition to Jennifer Love Hewitt, he thought Scarlett Johansson was the celebrity most people wanted to see in the buff.

When the topic of Anna Nicole Smith came up, Howard noted how “wacko” he thought Judge Larry Seidlin, the man who presided over the case concerning her remains, was. After acknowledging he didn’t have any provisions in his will about his own remains, Howard played a clip of Judge Seidlin crying while giving his verdict on the matter. Following the clip, Robin pointed out she thought people who didn’t elicit such a response from Judge Seidlin in the future would be hurt by his seeming lack of emotion.

Howard brought up that Benjy participated in an organized pillow fight over the vacation, and Benjy responded “hundreds of people” showed up to the event at Union Square in New York. Benjy went on to note he felt some of the pillow fighters took the fight too seriously, and that he was afraid for his safety at some points. However, Benjy admitted he started off his time at the fight by lighting his pillow on fire, but that he quickly ran out of energy. Howard then played video from the event, and commented he was the only participant who was shirtless, while Robin pointed out he was “all red” from being hit with pillows.

Howard had Scott the Engineer and his intern come into the studio to talk about a massage Will accused the intern of giving Scott. When the intern denied that the interaction took place, Will entered and claimed he had “a source” who saw the massage firsthand, but added the person wouldn’t step forward about the incident. Howard then said he wished the source would come in, and Jon Hein, who was already in the studio to talk about “The Wrap Up Show,” acknowledged he was the one who saw the interaction. As Jon talked about what he thought he saw, Howard responded that he was siding with Scott and his intern, and Jon admitted he may have been “delirious” after having had worked on the music special for such a long time.

• A passenger on a cruise killed a man while its passengers were visiting a port town in the Caribbean.

• A 13-year-old boy escaped from his abductor after being tied up in the woods.

• A zookeeper in Denver was killed by a jaguar.

• Anna Nicole Smith’s mother has appealed the ruling regarding her daughter’s burial.

• A new trial about the paternity of Anna Nicole’s daughter is moving to the Bahamas.

• Britney Spears has once again entered rehab.

• Craig Ferguson refuses to do jokes about Britney on “The Late Late Show.”

• A documentary about Jesus made by James Cameron has been causing a stir.

• “The Departed” won an Oscar for best picture last night.

• Helen Mirren also received an award for best actress.

• In addition, Forest Whitaker won an Oscar for best actor.

• Alan Arkin had the upset of the night with his win for best supporting actor.

• Al Gore won an Oscar for his role in “An Inconvenient Truth.”

• Melissa Etheridge received an award for her song from the same movie.

• Jimmy Carter has offered his thoughts about some of the 2008 presidential hopefuls.

• Al Sharpton discovered his ancestors were once “owned” by Strom Thurmond’s family.

• Louis Farrakhan gave his final major speech as the leader of the Nation of Islam yesterday.

• A 107-year-old man credits his 77-year abstinence for his longevity.