ARTIE'S BACK
The Howard Stern Show for March 6, 2007

The show began with Howard telling this week’s announcer and star of “Heroes,” George Takei, that he was able to watch only half of his show last night, which George thought would create “a void” in Howard’s life until he finished it. George then said hello to Artie, who was back in the studio this morning following his absence yesterday due to his “illness.” Artie went on to say friends he hadn’t spoken to in a long time called him all day yesterday to make sure wasn’t “dead” because of all the on-air speculation about why he was out, adding all he wanted to do was “take a Tylenol.” Artie then acknowledged he had “a terrible sleep schedule,” and Howard noted that that was one of the points he made yesterday while defending Artie’s absence as being caused by sickness and not anything more sinister. When Fred commented that he still felt Artie was back on drugs, Artie replied, “Well, Fred liked Dice’s show” – referring to his new VH1 reality show, “Dice Undisputed” – a remark that got Fred laughing and threatening to play it for Dice the next time he was in the studio. Artie then insisted he was “genuinely sick” and was not on heroin, calling his illness “a bad cold” that he’d had all winter.

Artie reported he got sick on Saturday and slept all day on Sunday. Artie added at 4 a.m. yesterday he decided he couldn’t come into work, but, as he was saying that, Howard told George to quickly cut off some of Artie’s hair, as Dominic Barbara had suggested yesterday, so they could test it to see if Artie was back on drugs. Artie then said he’d voluntarily give Howard the hair if he wanted it, although he also warned that it would reveal “all the drugs” he’d ever done.

Following clips from “The Tyra Banks Show,” where the host and some of her guests talked about how they weren’t able to lose weight, only to add “So what!” to the end of their stories, Jessica Hahn called in to say she knew how to cheat on drug tests, and Artie acknowledged he was familiar with those techniques as well. Howard then claimed he had a source who knew Artie was back on drugs, but that, after some “investigation,” he didn’t think the person had much on Artie.

Howard proceeded to ask Artie to “swear on Grandma Caprio” that he wasn’t on drugs, and he did just that. In fact, Artie added his Grandma Caprio was going through “a rough time” health wise as well, so he didn’t think it’d be a good time to promise something on her life if he wasn’t telling the truth. As Jessica continued to advise Howard to give Artie a drug test, Artie replied he’d submit to a urine test, but that he didn’t want his entire drug history to be revealed, as he feared would happen with a hair test.

While Howard read e-mails, all of them accusing Artie of being back drugs, Robin said she felt Artie’s diet was contributing to his ill health, noting, “I’m watching him chow down right now like there was no food in America yesterday.” Howard then asked Artie if he’d be willing to go to rehab for 28 days, and he replied he would, but only so he could “get more sleep.”

A listener called in about last night’s “Cousin Brucie’s Dance Party,” saying he couldn’t stop laughing because all he could think about as Brucie talked was Howard’s impression of him. This led Howard to launch into his Brucie impersonation, which included remarks about “the fifth Beatle,” Murray “the K,” as well as how he knew Guglielmo Marconi, the man considered to be the inventor of radio. Robin then said she’d never heard Cousin Bruce prior to him working at SIRIUS, and acknowledged she didn’t realize just how right-on Howard’s impression of him was.

Howard said he wanted to weigh in the participants for Battle of the Blobs, a contest that paid $20,000 to the person who lost the most weight over 8 weeks. Howard then mentioned Crazy Cabbie was out of the game, as was Joey Boots, which meant one of the members of Tim Sabean’s squad had to join Artie’s team to even things out. Howard then read the list of people Artie could pick from – Jon Hein, Scott the Engineer, Brian Phelan and Jason Kaplan – and he went with Jon, explaining his choice by saying that, compared to the other two, he didn’t think Jon needed the money – given his JumpTheShark.com millions. Jason went on to acknowledge he was glad Artie didn’t pick him because he really needed the money, and didn’t think Artie was taking the contest seriously. This led Artie to say he was going to be on the road for the following four weekends, and that, if he wanted to “go to Burger King at 1 a.m.,” he was going “to go to Burger King at 1 a.m.”

Howard then got Team Tim ready, and its members weighed in as follows:

• Tim weighed 265 pounds
• Brian Phelan weighed 243 pounds
• Scott weighed 264 pounds
• Jason weighed 271 pounds

As for Team Artie, here were the results:

• Artie weighed 286 pounds
• Jon weighed 255 pounds
• Gange weighed 247 pounds
• Benjy weighed 267 pounds

When Benjy got off the scale, he asked to for Tim to be reweighed because he thought the scale might not be accurate. When Tim weighed the same, Howard assured Benjy it was ok, while Gary said the scale was the same for everyone, so it didn’t really matter. Gary then mentioned the contestants would be weighed each Monday for the next eight weeks to determine the winner.

Given Artie’s lack of enthusiasm for the game, Benjy suggested there be some repercussion for him if he didn’t lose weight, but Artie didn’t feel like he should be singled out. Artie proceeded to point out that he was the captain of his team, and therefore, ordered Benjy to “shut up.”

After a commercial, Howard tested Artie’s willpower by offering him a bag of cookies, and Artie said he couldn’t eat them…until Jason brought him a Hawaiian Punch to go along with them. Howard then took a call from Frenchie Davis, the former “American Idol” contestant who was thrown off the show because some racy photographs of her from a few years ago showed up online. Frenchie admitted she’d posed for the pictures – some of them with her breasts exposed – where she was wearing lingerie and that they appeared on a Website she insisted wasn’t pornographic. Upon hearing that, Howard pointed out he could see “American Idol’s” point of view, explaining the show needed to keep its “image.” However, Howard acknowledged he didn’t necessarily agree with that view point, and Robin added she thought the argument was “thin.”

Howard wondered if Frenchie was asked before she was on “American Idol” if she’d ever posed topless, which she responded she was, and that she made it clear to the show’s producers that she had. Frenchie went on to say she was confident she had enough talent to have an established music career without “American Idol,” and added she’d like an apology from “Idol.”

Because a contestant on this season’s “American Idol,” Antonella Barba, who is white, was also involved in an online scandal – even though some of the pictures of her that came out were taken privately, while others weren’t even of her – Howard asked Frenchie if she thought there was any racism involved in the decision, or if she felt her weight had anything to do with it. Frenchie didn’t give a direct response, though, saying she preferred to “give ‘Idol’ the benefit of the doubt.” Frenchie next said she tried to avoid addressing the controversy surrounding Antonella, but that she decided to change her stance after Antonella was allowed to continue to be on the program. Although Robin felt there were important differences between the two scenarios, Howard acknowledged her point, but added he felt Frenchie admitting to producers that she’d shown her breasts in photos meant she should’ve been treated better.

Howard recalled that, when he first got out of college and was looking for a job, he used to take a briefcase full of résumés into the city, but that the only people who approached him were from Amway. Howard then said his father caught him buying lottery tickets during that time, and told him not to do so anymore because he thought lottery tickets were “for losers.” This led Howard to acknowledge he’d “love” to win the lottery someday, but that he knew he never would, while Artie pointed out the one person he knew that had achieved financial success by winning the lottery years ago: Double A.

Howard took a call from Mohamed Al Fayed, the man whose son, Dodi, was killed in the car crash that also took the life of Princess Diana in 1997. Mohamed said he was 21 years old when Dodi was born, and that they had a close relationship before he died. Howard then noted he’d heard Mohamed was worth $7.7 billion, but he responded that total was “a little high.”

Howard pointed out Dodi had a number of famous girlfriends in addition to Diana, but Mohamed wouldn’t get into details about his own conquests. Howard proceeded to bring up the purpose of Mohamed’s call: that he thought his son’s death was “a murder” ordered by the Royal Family. Mohamed went on to explain he didn’t think the Royal Family ever accepted Dodi’s religious beliefs and nationality – which was why he thought they had him killed – and insisted his accusation wasn’t merely a way for him to deal with his son’s untimely death. Given this, Robin asked Mohamed for proof to back up his allegation, and he claimed that he had spoken to Diana just weeks before the accident, and she had predicted something would happen based on “threats” she’d been receiving.

Howard asked Mohamed why he felt the Royal Family would have Dodi killed before he and Diana furthered their relationship, in case that never happened, and he replied it was because he believed Diana was pregnant with Dodi’s child at the time. As the conversation continued, George asked what Mohamed hoped to achieve by calling into an American talk show, and Artie told George that he had news for him: that it wasn’t actually Mohamed Al-Fayed on the line. However, Howard assured George that Artie was kidding, and that, unlike pranks George fell for last year, it really was Mohamed on the phone.

Howard proceeded to take a number of calls on the topic, and then asked Mohamed if he feared for his own life given how powerful the Royal Family was. However, Mohamed said that, despite the threats he’d received, he “believed in God” and wasn’t afraid of any consequences he might face. George again asked his question about why Mohamed was calling in, and he said it was because Howard had “big balls.”

Steve Langford, who said he covered the deaths of Diana and Dodi for “A Current Affair,” came into the studio to ask Mohamed about a player in the investigation who was mysteriously killed, and Mohamed claimed the man in question was murdered as well, largely because he supposedly was finding out information about what really happened that night. Mohamed went on to say his 22-year-old daughter – who Howard referred to as “the hottest” woman he’d ever seen – had a boyfriend, and also admitted he had other children in addition to her and Dodi. Mohamed refused to explain where his other kids were, though, although he denied he had ever cheated on his wife of 30 years.

When the interview was over, Gary got on his intercom and announced a number of people were calling in to see, based on Artie’s earlier joke, if it really was Mohamed Al Fayed on the phone, and Howard again said it really was him, and that it wasn’t another prank on George.

Howard asked George if it was true that he had attended the Oscars wearing a kimono this year, which he admitted he had. George then said the invitation to the ceremony called for formal attire, which he noted was the reason he chose the outfit – which was the Japanese equivalent of a tuxedo, and not a dress as Howard insinuated. George went on to say that, at one point on the red carpet, Meryl Streep accidentally ran into him and knocked him over.

Howard welcomed two former “American Idol” contestants, Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell, into the studio. Howard began the interview by asking Justin, who finished second in the premiere season of the show to Kelly Clarkson, why his career wasn’t taking off like hers, and he responded he was still singing, but had different goals than Kelly. Justin went on to say only about 10,000 people tried out for “American Idol” that first season, which he noted was a fraction of the number that auditions nowadays. Kimberly then mentioned her mom encouraged her to try out for the show, and that she relied on friends to help her financially as well so she could audition.

Kimberly acknowledged she was dating a contestant, JD Adams, when she was on “American Idol,” and proceeded to say she’d never participated in a threesome or made out with a girl. Howard went on to point out he thought it was difficult for “American Idol” to find a good-looking woman who could sing, but Justin commented he felt Katharine McPhee and Kelly Clarkson were exceptions to the rule. Justin then denied that he and Kelly, who starred together in “From Justin to Kelly,” had ever dated, even though he admitted he was always attracted to her.

Justin claimed he lost his virginity when he was very young, and that he and his partner, who was the same age as him, learned what to do by reading a book. However, Justin added his next experience wasn’t until he was in college, and proceeded to insist he wasn’t wild sexually now, even though he had more opportunities than ever thanks to his time on “American Idol.” When Kimberly admitted she was once arrested for drunk driving, Artie told her she was “seven bad movies away from being Tara Reid.” Upon hearing that, Justin started chanting “Beerfest” as a supposed insult to Artie, but Artie informed him that he wasn’t even in that film, and that his movie was called “Beer League.” Kimberly then reported she’d been with fewer than 10 men, lost her virginity at 15 years old, and had her second sexual experience at the age of 18.

Howard then took a call from “Kelly – who’s High Pitch – Clarkson,” but, as soon as “she” told Justin that he “looked tight” during their time on “American Idol,” Howard hung up on “her.” When Kimberly reported she wasn’t wearing panties and masturbated on a regular basis, Richard came in with a sex toy to see if she’d put it in her mouth so she’d “stop talking.” However, Kimberly refused Richard’s request, and subsequently yelled “Goodbye!” to several callers who asked her explicit questions about her personal life.

After Howard asked George what he thought of Justin’s appearance, he replied that he thought Justin was “beautiful,” and that he would’ve been interested in dating him if he was closer to Justin’s age. Sal then came into the studio claiming to be “a huge fan” of Kimberly’s, and asked her for her autograph. Howard told Kimberly, though, that Sal was just trying to get her with his exploding-pen gag, and demanded he leave the room.

• Bobby Brown refused to do all the interviews he promised a radio station even though its executives paid his bail so he could get out of jail this past week.

• A study about drinking has been released.

• Cameron Diaz was supposedly seen kissing Tyrese at a club.

• Elizabeth Hurley is in the process of marrying her boyfriend.

• Critics from both sides of the political divide have criticized Ann Coulter for her recent anti-gay slur.

• Jerry Springer is replacing Regis Philbin as host of “America’s Got Talent.”

• Rudy Giuliani asked for privacy regarding his issues with his son.

• Dick Cheney was treated for a blood clot in his leg.

• An 841-pound woman died after having gastric bypass surgery.

• A video showed a teenager giving marijuana to a 2-year-old child.

• Another couple was arrested for allegedly giving the drug to its 6-year-old son.

• It may soon be legal for hunters to kill a certain type of alligator in Florida.

• Complaints by soldiers about the care given to them at Walter Reed Hospital continue to mount.

• “Borat” comes out on DVD today.

• Yesterday marked the 25-year anniversary of John Belushi’s death.

• “Black Snake Moan” was released in theaters this past Friday.

• Tobey Maguire is leaving the “Spiderman” franchise.

• John Travolta donated $15,000 to tornado victims in Florida.

• Reports suggest Britney Spears isn’t doing well in rehab.