ON THE RICHTER SCALE
The Howard Stern Show for March 15, 2007

The show began today with Howard reporting that his “favorite contestant,” Sanjaya, had survived yet another cut on “American Idol,” and asked JD if he had any clips of his performance. When JD came into the studio, Howard pointed out that he was growing out his hair, which JD responded was because people were telling him it “looked good.” Howard went on to say he liked talking to Chris Rock on the show yesterday, even though he also acknowledged Chris’ negative stance on marriage got him thinking about his engagement to Beth. Howard then read a number of e-mails about Chris’ interview, with all of them stating how much they enjoyed listening to someone “give it back” to him.

Howard got to a tape from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show” of Artie admitting he’d leave the show if he was offered a good sitcom. Although Artie added he didn’t want Howard to “hate” him if he did move on, Howard stopped the clip and assured Artie he wouldn’t have any ill-will toward him if a good deal came up for him. This led Artie to discuss the development deal for a sitcom he had with Fox, and noted only one script – written by the Farrelly brothers – was finalized, but he wasn’t sure if he’d officially be asked to be on the sitcom, especially because the Farrelly brothers were now pushing for “a black guy” to play the role he originally thought they wanted him for.

Eric the Midget called in to once again proclaim he wouldn’t participate in Howard’s scheme to have Sanjaya crowned as the next “American Idol.” Eric insisted Howard that stop voting for Sanjaya, but Howard refused, noting his plot was to see him win the contest. After Artie advised Eric to have “Sanjaya rubbed out” – referring to the “hit” Eric ordered on a former high school classmate of his in a voicemail he left for Johnny Fratto – Eric insisted everyone misinterpreted his “joke,” adding that even Johnny knew he wasn’t serious. Eric also said he’d “really laugh” next week if Sanjaya was voted off “American Idol,” and added the reasons he didn’t want Sanjaya to win the contest were because, to him, “the kid cannot sing at all and he’s annoying.” However, Howard told Eric those were the exact reasons he was encouraging his listeners to vote for Sanjaya.

Before Eric got off the line, he said he didn’t appreciate one particular remark Howard made this past week. Eric explained the comment that bothered him was Howard saying he felt Mel Karmazin should’ve taken Eric to Congress with him when testifying about the potential SIRIUS-XM merger because it would’ve garnered sympathy for the cause. As Howard laughed, and as Fred did his impression of Eric, Eric paused and turned the subject back to “American Idol,” asking him what he’d do if Sanjaya ended up being voted off the program. Howard responded, though, that he didn’t really care if that happened, even though he again mentioned he’d like to see Sanjaya win.

Howard went on to play a clip of Diana Ross singing yesterday on “American Idol,” and Robin pointed out it was determined that the lead singer of Boston, Brad Delp, had killed himself. When Howard wondered what in Brad’s life could’ve been so bad that he committed suicide, Robin replied the only thing she could figure was that he was engaged to be married this summer.

Howard took a call from Lexi, the woman who Artie claimed hit on him after his standup performance in Boston this past weekend. Howard began his conversation with Lexi asking her why she followed Artie into his limo and began kissing him in front of his mother and his sister, but she denied that it happened that way. Upon hearing that, Artie noted that Lexi sounded “a lot different sober,” adding that he had “a million witnesses” who saw her trying to kiss him. Artie also reiterated that he did not make-out with Lexi because he prevented it, and noted for a second time that she sounded “sensible” to him this morning.

When Artie brought up that Lexi sent him a text message the following day that said it was “great” to meet him and that she “lived in Manhattan,” she laughed and admitted she should’ve “rephrased” what she had written. Lexi went on to say she and her boyfriend had been together for three years, but denied Howard’s suggestion that she tried to pick up guys in front of him on a regular basis.

Lexi also noted she was 22 years old and made out with women as a promotion for a gym where she worked. This led Howard to admit he didn’t understand how such behavior got people to join the gym, but Lexi promised him it worked well. Lexi’s boyfriend, Rob, then got on the line for a minute, and commented he couldn’t complain about Lexi’s behavior because he was “out of control” as well.

Larry Pierce, the “dirty” country singer, called in to report he was on the verge of getting a record deal following his in-studio appearance earlier this year. Following a montage of Larry’s songs, Howard encouraged Larry to go on “American Idol,” but he laughed off the advice. When Larry added he had a documentary made about him as well, Howard wished him luck with it, and admitted once Larry was off the line that he wasn’t sure why he called in.

Howard mentioned Adam Carolla called him yesterday, inviting him and everyone from the show to the Tribeca Film Festival, where a movie he wrote was screening. Howard added Adam was recently partnered with Danny Bonaduce on his radio show, and that he didn’t think Adam cared very much about his program, especially because of all the extra work – like writing movies – he was doing. Artie then pointed out he was confident Adam had a great deal of money, both because of his radio show and his television career.

As Howard prepared clips of a new phony phone call character – Richard’s Nervous Mark, who pretends to be nervous while on the air with public access shows, repeating himself over and over to see how long he can stay on the air without making any points – Robin announced Richard had told her that he had cancer on his nose. Richard proceeded to come into the studio and reveal what Robin said was true, although he added he wasn’t in any danger because what he had was actually “pre-cancer” and that it was being treated.

The topic of Angelina Jolie’s newest adoption came up, and Howard pointed out she was renaming her child, even though he was 3 years old. This led Robin to say she recently adopted cats whose names she changed as well, and Howard added Bianca was originally named Reba before he and Beth decided on her current name. However, Howard also noted he thought Bianca would respond to any name he gave her after a week, reporting he started referring to her as Eileen just this past week without her missing a beat.

Andy Richter stopped in, and Howard began the interview by talking about Artie’s sitcom development deal with Fox, and how he wanted to be on his own show. After Artie acknowledged that was, in fact, his dream, he also said the development deal was “the best deal ever” because he got paid for it without having to do any work. Andy then commented people with development deals had to be presented with three sitcom proposals, and warned Artie that, if its producers didn’t want him, he felt the offers would all be “sh*tty.”

Howard admitted he was critical of Andy when he decided to leave “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” but, because of his subsequent sitcoms, he’d since changed his mind. Andy responded by saying he appreciated his time with Conan, but that he didn’t want to turn into the next Ed McMahon, adding his aspiration was always to be “a comedic actor.”

Andy recalled how he didn’t have to audition for “Late Night,” noting he met Conan at a deli in Los Angeles and hit if off with him from the start. Andy proceeded to acknowledge he didn’t think the initial episodes of “Late Night” were very good, and that he even got that vibe from the show’s interns as well. However, Artie pointed out he thought “Late Night” had become many comedians’ favorite late-night show, so he believed the awkward phase passed quickly.

Andy also said Conan was often subjected to meetings with people who thought they knew how to “fix” “Late Night” when it was struggling, and that he knew Conan was single-handedly blamed for its initial lack of success. Andy then mentioned the weirdest thing about sitting on the couch on “Late Night” was looking at the plastic surgery men had, naming Kenny Rogers as the most glaring example.

Howard thanked Andy for mentioning how much he liked the show in a recent edition of Entertainment Weekly, and Andy told him he said what he did because he and his wife listened to the show all the time. Howard went on to say Andy’s wife also thanked him in the piece for “helping her with her recovery,” and Andy explained the remark had to do with how she tuned into the show all the time when her she was suffering from detached retinas and she had to recuperate for more than a month.

When it was revealed that Andy was the third highest winner on “Celebrity Jeopardy!,” Howard asked if he wanted to play a game of “Win Fred’s Money.” After Andy agreed, Howard asked him and Fred these questions:

• What was Marlon Brando’s first movie? Andy replied “The Wild One,” which was wrong, as was Fred’s guess of “The Wild Bunch.” Howard then revealed the right answer was “The Men.”

• In which city was the world’s first skyscraper built? Andy was wrong with his guess of New York, and Fred was correct when he said Chicago.

• What country is officially known as the Hellenic Republic? Andy was correct with his response of Greece.

• Which animal is the source of cashmere? Fred was correct with goat.

• When measuring heat quantity, what do the initials BTU stand for? Fred got the correct response of British thermal unit.

• How many miles does light travel in a year? Neither Andy nor Fred knew the answer was 5.9 trillion miles.

• What is the name of the highest mountain in Australia? Both them didn’t know the answer was Mount Kosciuszko.

• What are golden lion tamarins? Andy responded they were monkeys, and he was right.

• How long is the term of the Secretary General of the United Nations? Fred responded with six years, but the answer was really five years.

Andy mentioned his new sitcom, “Andy Barker P.I.,” was Conan’s idea, and that it mixed crime stories with jokes. Andy then said he had to work on the show 13 hours a day because of his writing involvement, and added the crimes in the show were secondary to the humor. Andy next commented “Scrubs” was the lead-in to “Andy Barker P.I.,” and thought its good ratings would help his show.

Andy then reported he and Conan were still friends, and that Conan actually sat in on the writing session of the premiere episode of “Andy Barker P.I.” Andy added he wasn’t sure if Conan would end up hosting “The Tonight Show,” although he’d heard Jay Leno was contemplating hosting a different talk show on ABC.

World famous comedian, Greg Fitzsimmons, stopped in for the remainder of the show. Artie noted he performed with Greg in Boston over the past weekend, and added Greg “killed” during his routine. Howard then talked about how a news show hosted by Tom Brokaw was interrupted with porn clips on a TV station outside of Phoenix recently, and debated whether he should get in touch with one of the most vocal critics of the miscue to have her describe exactly what she saw. This led Howard to retell the story of the time Mike Gange accidentally sent one of his daughter’s teachers – who he described as “a saint” married to a former priest and was suffering from cancer – porn tapes instead of episodes of “Seinfeld” as she had requested. Gange then came into the studio and tried to defend his “mistake,” but Howard replied he should’ve “fired his ass” on the spot.

Greg pointed out he thought most of Howard’s current employees started as interns, but Howard said that was the case with just a few people, like Benjy. Greg replied by asking how much Benjy earned on the show, and Howard told him that Benjy “came cheap” because everyone still considered him to be an intern. JD then came into the studio and admitted he was another person who could use more money, but Gary revealed JD didn’t do a good job of making that case to the people responsible for making that happen. In fact, Gary added JD’s responses to a recent company questionnaire looked like they were written by “a third grader,” and that, for his job description, he wrote, “I watch TV.”

When a caller claimed he got pinworm from his daughter, Howard talked about how he suffered from the same affliction when he was a child, which led to Greg reporting his son once had the worms as well. Howard also brought up how his mom used to take his temperature anally throughout his teenage years, and that it wasn’t until a recent discussion with his therapist that he realized just how intrusive the practice was. Howard then recalled how his mom had the tendency to clean out his feces-filled underwear in the bathroom sink he shared with his sister, which also embarrassed him, especially because he had crushes on some of his sister’s friends who would see his dirty underwear when they came over.

Greg went on to admit he still bathed with his children, who he noted were 3 years old and 6 years old, but Howard and Robin informed him that they didn’t think that was right.

A caller noted how entertaining he thought yesterday’s interview with Chris Rock was, and Greg mentioned hearing Chris being the most honest he’d ever heard gave people a picture of who he felt was “the real Chris,” as opposed to the one who appeared on other shows. Howard then played a tape from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show,” where Artie criticized supposedly rebellious celebrities like Kid Rock for appearing on programs like “The Teen Choice Awards,” adding groups he listened to when he was young boycotted the Grammys for being too tame – much less shows designed specifically for kids.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely fake. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Tommy Lee was spotted sucking the toes of men at a nightclub.

(2) Simon Cowell took his girlfriend on vacation but got mad at her when the arrangements she made weren’t to his liking.

(3) While Will Smith was golfing with Bill Murray, Bill revealed he was stung by a bee.

(4) Nick Lachey was upset to discover a movie starring Jessica Simpson would be the in-flight movie on a flight he was taking, and therefore had it changed.

While Howard picked the fourth story as the imposter, Greg and Robin went with the first report, Artie chose the Bill Murray story, and Fred chose the Simon Cowell one. Mike then revealed Fred was right once again.

Howard brought up Richard Jeni’s recent suicide, which led to a discussion about some comedians’ need to be at the top of the profession, while others – like Greg – were happy with their lives. Beth then came into the studio and showed off her engagement ring, which even Artie admitted he wanted to see. After Fred pointed out he thought the ring was “the size of Beetlejuice,” Robin said she felt it “looked beautiful” on Beth’s hand. Beth went on to joke that, because of Chris Rock’s recommendation that she and Howard not get married, the wedding was off and they were going to stay engaged forever.

When Beth insisted she wasn’t supporting Howard’s campaign to get Sanjaya voted in as the next “American Idol,” a claim Howard said wasn’t true, Greg wondered if he was planning on making the same move for Hillary Clinton during the 2008 presidential campaign. Although Howard acknowledged he was a fan of Hillary’s, Greg pointed out he was more of a John Edwards kind of guy.

During Robin’s news, Tim Sabean came into the studio to report that Riley Martin continued to demand a $5 million contract to continue his SIRIUS show, PLUS another $2 million for his sidekick. Tim added that Riley made ethnic slurs to him about black people, which he admitted caused him to hang up on Riley. Tim then noted he and Riley had minor differences over what they thought his salary should be, with Tim wanting to pay him $300 per show while Riley stuck with $5 million.

• Sleep experts have warned consumers about the risks of sleeping pills.

• Pete Rose admitted to have gambled on his team, the Cincinnati Reds, “every night” when he managed the squad.

• The seventh edition of the Harry Potter book series shipped 12 million copies.

• The singer, Eric Carmen, was arrested for DUI.

• M. Knight Shyamalan has promised his next movie will be “a return to form.”

• A star from “Lost” will be the commencement speaker at Columbia’s upcoming commencement ceremony.

• Doctors said Regis Philbin’s bypass surgery was a success.

• A Hollywood baby boom is allegedly underway.

• An inmate has admitted to being the mastermind of the attacks on 9/11.

• Democrats have pushed for a bill that will remove troops from Iraq.

• Iraq’s president has returned home following two weeks in the hospital.

• The father of a murdered 9-year-old girl reacted to a jury’s recommendation that her killer be executed.

• Larry Birkhead still wants Howard K. Stern to take a paternity test to prove he isn’t the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

• Chris Rock’s new movie, “I Think I Love My Wife,” opens tomorrow.

• Gay advocates have demanded an apology from the Joint Chiefs of Staff who referred to homosexuality as “immoral.”