HERE SHE IS, MISS BLACK HOWARD STERN
The Howard Stern Show for March 29, 2007

Howard began today announcing that they would be crowning a Miss Black Howard Stern later in the morning and launched into the pageant’s theme song to the tune of “There She Is, Miss America.” Howard then took a call from Eric the Midget, who insisted he still wouldn’t “join the movement” as Howard played a spliced clip that Richard put together of Eric saying, “Vote for Sanjaya.” Howard went on to note he fell asleep before the “American Idol” results were announced, but, when he woke up at 1:30 a.m., he couldn’t go back to sleep until he found out that Sanjaya had in fact make another cut. After Howard commented on how “hot” he thought Gwen Stefani was last night on “American Idol,” Eric discussed how he lived with a roommate who got free rent as long as he helped Eric “cook and clean.” Artie proceeded to ask Eric how often he and his roommate had sex, and Eric replied that that never happened, adding that if he – Eric – ever had sex with a woman, at least he wouldn’t crush her. This led Artie to laugh and ask Eric when the last time was he had sex with a woman, to which Eric responded, “Never.”

Gay Ramone called in to talk about what he’d do if given the chance to be with Sanjaya and then promised Eric he could “convert” him if he was in the same room with him for “two minutes.” However, when Howard asked Eric if he’d give Ramone a shot, he answered, “There’s not a chance in hell” and hung up the phone as Ramone started having phone sex with him.

Howard read an e-mail from a fan who claimed he had a secret system that allowed him to vote for Sanjaya 14,000 times this week, and that he also planned on voting up to 100,000 times during upcoming shows. JD then came into the studio to talk about clips he’d pulled from “American Idol,” and Howard asked when his family reunion was. JD replied the reunion was taking place in August, and acknowledged his relationship with the porn star, Kimberly Kane, had fizzled, even though he noted it “wasn’t over.”

Eric then called back in and yelled, “That really pissed me off, you f’ing big-nosed piece of sh*t” at Howard while again pointing out he was VERY straight. Howard told Eric, though, that he overreacted to what Gay Ramone said, and asked him if he would’ve had the same reaction had Ramone threatened, for example, to turn him into a Chinese person. After Eric said he wouldn’t have been bothered if that were the case, Howard warned him that, whenever he called the show in the future, he’d always have Ramone on the other line waiting to have phone sex with him.

A number of listeners, including Siobhan the Transsexual, called in to report how many times they voted for Sanjaya this week, and Howard also played clips from various talk shows whose hosts were angry at Howard for “ruining” “American Idol” by pushing for Sanjaya to win the contest. Howard then brought up a woman who had begun a hunger strike she claimed would last until Sanjaya was voted off “American Idol,” even though he added he figured the woman was still eating given her size.

When Howard went on to say he could’ve helped Eric attend and get air-time in future “American Idol” broadcasts had he been willing to vote for Sanjaya, Eric accused Howard of “taking credit” for things he didn’t do, adding he didn’t think Howard was really the one who made it possible for him to appear on the show, “American Dreams,” a few years ago. Upon hearing that, Gary got on his intercom to say how angry he was at Eric for that remark, while Howard pointed out if it weren’t for him, no one from “American Dreams” would’ve ever contacted Eric about acting on the show.

Before Eric ended his call, Howard asked him if he would acknowledge Sanjaya’s title if he was named the next “American Idol,” to which Eric responded that, not only would he not do that, but he wouldn’t even buy Sanjaya’s CD or attend the “American Idol” tour either.

Because the first installment of The Evil Dave Intelligence Game was such a success earlier this week, Howard announced he had another round set. This time Evil Dave was shown a written name, and then he tried to pronounce it. Here are the names Evil Dave was given, as well as the bets made in the studio:

• Angelina Jolie: After Evil Dave correctly pronounced it, Robin won $20 from Howard, who said Evil Dave wouldn’t get it.

• Anna Kournikova: No one thought Evil Dave would get it, and he didn’t.

• Avril Lavigne: Evil Dave didn’t know the answer, which everyone figured would be the case.

• Bam Margera: Again, no one was surprised Evil Dave mispronounced the name.

• Belinda Carlisle: Evil Dave pronounced it right, and Howard lost another $20 to Robin as a result.

• Carlos Mencia: There were no bets and Evil Dave was wrong.

• Charlize Theron: Fred said yes and bet Robin $20, but, because Evil Dave was so close, Howard said he was throwing out the name. However, Robin insisted she’d pay Fred the money given how upset he was with Howard’s ruling.

• Chelsea Clinton: Everyone thought Evil Dave would know the name, and he did.

• Christina Aguilera: Evil Dave got the name correct even though no one thought he would.

• Condoleezza Rice: Everyone guessed Evil Dave would know, and he did.

• Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Fred, who felt Evil Dave would know the name, lost $20 to Robin when Dave didn’t get it right.

• Englebert Humperdinck: Artie lost $50 to Robin when Evil Dave correctly pronounced the name.

• Erika Badu: No one felt Evil Dave would know the answer, but he did.

• Fantasia Barrino: Everyone bet against Evil Dave, who didn’t pronounce the name right.

• Fiona Apple: No one thought Evil Dave would get the name, but he did.

• Jessica Biel: After some confusion about where Evil Dave’s response was, and after Sal admitted he was to blame for the miscue, Evil Dave mispronounced the name.

• Joe DiMaggio: Artie won back his $50 from Robin and Howard won back his $40 from her because they guessed Evil Dave would get the name, which he did.

• Kate Blanchett: No one thought Evil Dave would get the answer, and he didn’t.

• Kirstie Alley: Again, everyone bet against Evil Dave, who mispronounced the name as predicted.

• Luciano Pavarotti: Artie bet Robin $50 that Evil Dave would know the answer, but he didn’t.

• Liv Tyler: Everyone said Evil Dave would get the answer, and he did.

• Louis Vuitton: No one figured Evil Dave would know, and, again, he didn’t.

• Mario Lemieux: When Evil Dave responded with “Martina Navratilova,” Howard pointed out Sal’s error had the tracks out of order, so he had to stop the game.

Howard then announced it was time for the much-anticipated crowning of Miss Black Howard Stern, and started by introducing the judges for the competition. The first judge was King of All Blacks, who asked how Howard got so thin and laughed when he responded he ate the exact opposite way King did. The author, Bintell Powell, who was on the show earlier this year to discuss how he thought light-skinned black people were prejudiced against dark-skinned black people, was the next judge, and he admitted the darkness of the contestants’ skin would play a part in his decision. Following an argument between King, who said he preferred light-skinned black woman, and Bintell on the subject of skin tone, Howard brought the first contestant, Xica, into the studio.

Xica noted she had sex with women on a regular basis after she started “exotic dancing at a gay club,” and that her first lesbian experience was with a fellow stripper. Although Xica added that she does like men as well, she admitted she hadn’t had sex with one in more than two years. Howard then turned to the personality portion of the contest, asking Xica the following questions, along with Xica answers:

• If you could take a pill that would make you white, would you take it? Xica responded she wouldn’t.

• What celebrity has the perfect shade of blackness? Xica said Naomi Campbell.

• What celebrity do you feel represents black people the best? Xica replied Martin Luther King, but added Will Smith and Denzel Washington were also on her list. This led Bintell to call Will “a fag” because he thought he acted “too white.”

• Should blacks be given reparations for slavery? Xica said no, explaining that, because she went to college for six years instead of living on the streets, she felt other people should follow her example.

Xica proceeded to perform ballet moves and contort her body as she sang “Amazing Grace” for the talent part of the competition. After Xica was done, Bintell gave her an overall score of 8.5, while King gave her a 7, Robin a 7.5, Gary a 7, Artie an 8 and Fred gave her an 8 as well.

Zubaydah, the second contestant, came into the studio and said she wanted to be Miss Black Howard Stern because she thought she “embodied” the show. Zubaydah went on to claim she was the first “super-model rapper,” and claimed her debut album sold 200 copies before adding she had bit parts in both “Click” and “Norbit.”

Howard proceeded to ask Zubaydah the following questions, and these were the responses she gave:

• When is it okay for a white person to use the n-word? Zubaydah replied she didn’t think anyone, regardless of skin color, should ever say the word.

• If your child was upset because someone called him or her the n-word, what would you say? Zubaydah answered that she’d tell her child that “words are only words.”

• If you had to choose one, would you make your skin lighter or darker? Zubaydah said she’d like to be “chocolater.”

• If you are named Miss Black Howard Stern, how would you give back to the community? Zubaydah said she’d be a role model and a “motivational person” to young girls.

• Name something you hate about white people. Zubaydah insisted she liked everyone, so she didn’t have an answer.

• What’s something white people don’t understand about black people? Zubaydah noted she thought white people were misinformed about the “culture and music” of black people.

• What do you like best about black people? Zubaydah went with the “history” of black people.

• What’s the hardest thing you have to deal with as a woman? Zubaydah’s response was “sexual advances.”

• What would you say if a white person told you and your friends to be quiet if you were talking loudly in a movie theater? Zubayday claimed she’d say, “No, you be quiet.”

After Zubaydah performed two rap songs, Howard asked the judges what they thought of her. King then scored her an 8, Bintell a 10, Robin an 8.8, Artie a 9, Fred an 8 and Gary gave her an 8.

The third woman, Dee, mentioned she was married and had a child, but had a girlfriend as well. Dee went on to say she was from England but now lived in Connecticut before commenting that her “ideal relationship” would include her, her husband and another woman. However, while Dee was talking, Bintell began laughing and explained it was because of Dee’s hair.

Here are the questions Dee was given, along with her answers:

• If you could make your skin lighter or darker, which would you pick? Dee said she wouldn’t change anything about herself, but, if she had to choose, she’d go with “darker.”

• What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been called? Dee insisted she’d never been called a derogatory name, but added that, even if she had, she wouldn’t have taken the remark “to heart.”

• What are the first two contestants’ worst features? Dee said she didn’t judge people on their physical attributes, so she didn’t have an answer.

• What’s something white people don’t understand about black people? Dee didn’t have a reply.

• What’s something you hate about white people? Dee said “nothing” because she didn’t dislike anyone.

• Have you ever been with two men at once? Dee said she hadn’t, although she again brought up that she has been with a man and another woman at the same time on several occasions.

• Using your “ghetto accent,” why do you want to be Miss Black Howard Stern? Dee had difficulty “sounding black,” so she didn’t have an answer.

Dee went on to demonstrate her talent, which was tying a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. Following that, King scored Dee a 2, Bintell a 7.5, Robin a 6, Artie, who said he didn’t think Miss Black Howard Stern should “sound like Heather Mills,” a 6.5, Gary a 9 and Fred a 7.

Charlie was the final contestant, and she brought up – in a high-pitched voice which Bintell observed made her “sound white” – that she’s been with men and women, with her first lesbian experience occurring when she was 9 years old. Charlie proceeded to call the other contestants “hookerish” before assuring Howard she was “cleaner” than they were. This led to a shouting match between Charlie and the three other women, with insults about the cost of shoes, body hair and makeup on teeth flying.

After Charlie sang a song and told the other women, “F’ y’all, I just want to win,” King scored her a 9, Bintell a 10, Robin a 10, Artie a 10, Fred a 9 and Gary gave her a 10. Howard then announced that, without even looking at the tallies, Charlie was the winner of the contest, which caused her to start screaming and the other girls to start criticizing Charlie for being “too white” to be crowned Miss Black Howard Stern.

Howard had the former madam, Jody Babydol Gibson, into the studio to talk about a book, “Secrets of a Hollywood Super Madam,” she’d written about her career and time in jail. Jody began the interview by claiming she was “targeted” by California’s district attorney, Gil Garcetti, at the time she was arrested, which was why she ended up in jail for her crimes. Jody then noted she grew up in “a Hollywood house,” claiming her mother “discovered” Tom Cruise, and that she ended up opening a legitimate modeling agency. However, Jody added that when she discovered her male and female models were getting together through her agency, she decided to turn that into a business, which was when she got her “madam business” started.

After talking about how she dated Gary Busey soon after getting out of prison, Jody said the hardest part about being in jail for two-and-a-half years was living with murderers and having to “filter” her own water with a sanitary napkin in order to drink it. As Jody continued talking about her time behind bars and how scared she was, including the time inmates “knocked out her teeth” by beating her so severely, Robin commented she would’ve “slit her own throat” had she been in Jody’s situation. Jody went on to say Heidi Fleiss, LA’s other infamous madam, began her career working for her as an escort, even though she didn’t think Heidi was as attractive as most of her other girls.

Jody then named Tommy Lasorda, Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck as some of her former clients, adding that she had the court records from her trial to prove they did use her services. This led Howard to ask why Jody felt the need to name names, especially because they paid her for time with her escorts, and she responded it was because she “took the hit” for their actions by spending time in prison and fearing for her life.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely the fake one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Mark Wahlberg helped rescue a stunt man on the set of his new movie, “Shooter.”

(2) Eva Longoria spent $10,000 at a store even though the store had closed for the night.

(3) Robert DeNiro saw five teenagers beating a coyote with hockey sticks, scared away the kids and called the authorities to save the animal.

(4) Madonna was spotted using cloth diapers while changing her baby’s diaper, and told onlookers about the benefits of using such diapers.

While Howard chose the Robert DeNiro story, Robin and Fred went with the first one, and Artie picked the same one as Howard. Mike then revealed no one was correct, adding Eva Longoria’s tale was the imposter.

• Denmark has overtaken America as the most technologically advanced country.

• Television stations in the United States will be switching from analog to digital by 2009.

• Experts suggest circumcision is a way to prevent HIV.

• Simon Cowell has threatened to quit “American Idol” if Sanjaya wins the contest.

• Questions about who will run the New York Yankees once George Steinbrenner retires are being raised following the announcement of the divorce of George’s daughter.

• The third season of “Run’s House” will focus on how the former rapper and his family dealt with the death of his and his wife’s daughter.

• The rights to O.J. Simpson’s book, “If I Did It,” will go up for auction next month.

• A man was given probation for helping his wife kill herself.

• There have been delays in the paternity results of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

• President Bush is insisting no timetable should be imposed on removing troops from Iraq.

• Iran is holding 15 British citizens captive for allegedly trespassing in the country’s waters.

• President Bush made jokes recently at a broadcasters’ dinner.

• Steve Forbes has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president.

• Menu Foods Inc. is being sued for its role in the pet food contamination occurrences in this country.

• Either Donald Trump or Vince McMahon will have his head shaved depending on which of their wrestlers wins an upcoming match.

• The United States Postal Service will honor Star Wars with a stamp.

• A website is able to gauge who’s doing well during voting for “American Idol.”