ANOTHER PLAYMATE SUCCESS
The Howard Stern Show for April 9, 2007

Howard opens up by discussing Artie’s clean shave and asking if Artie did any heroin this weekend. Artie says no, but he did gamble over the break. He’s up $35,000, and put his bookie out of business. Artie said his Battle of the Blobs team is going to hate him; after winning big, “that’s the last I thought about dieting.”

Artie went on to say that, while they’re on the subject of gambling, he loved the Master Tape Theatre replay of KC’s big gambling win...and subsequent loss. Howard agreed and said it’s the worst gambling story he’s ever heard. KC won $330,000 playing Internet poker with a royal flush. Artie recalled KC was down to 200 grand in a day and it was all gone within 5 days. Artie said that, because he understood the extent of KC’s gambling problem, he had encouraged KC to put it away for a down payment or something. Robin says that KC didn’t just gamble, he shopped. Artie says KC’s loft, before he left for LA, was better than the one on Friends, but “he didn’t buy it, he signed a lease. Like an idiot”.

Howard welcomed Andrea, Miss Howard Stern, on the phone. She said she’s depressed and asks if everyone on the show hates her. Gary said he’s been hearing from Andrea’s “people” that Andrea’s upset by the arrival of Miss Black Howard Stern. Andrea said she’s not upset, and is very lucky to be Miss Howard Stern. In fact, she wants to meet and do a photo shoot with Miss Black Howard Stern. Andrea then repeats that she’s depressed and needs to visit the show, prompting Howard to tell Gary to cancel the Miss Chinese Howard Stern contest. Gary thought Andrea was upset by Miss Black Howard Stern’s audition tape, where MBHS says she won’t be having any black babies. Artie said she must not be a drinker.

Robin said she missed the opportunity to vote for Sanjaya last week. Howard said he did as well. However, Sanjaya’s still in it despite their lapses; in fact, he wasn’t even in the bottom three. Artie asked if all the American Idol contestants stay in the same house during the show. Howard answered no; a mental institution. Artie said his mother called to say she hates Sanjaya.

Howard said Ralph’s American Idol show which aired last Tuesday night was a big success. Over vacation, Eric The Midget switched sides and is now voting for Sanjaya! Howard played a clip from the Wrap-Up Show of Eric saying “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. Howard said the ultimate victory would be Sanjaya winning American Idol, because Simon would have to make good on his promise to quit the show. Artie said his mother is retired and she tapes and analyzes the show; he had to hear about it while he was trying to eat his Easter dinner. Robin says she believes he can go all the way.

Jon Hein’s daughter Rachel wrote a letter to the show and Howard reads it. Rachel says that “The show is supposed to be a singing contest, not a popularity contest. Please stop telling people to support Sanjaya”. Howard said his daughters love the idea of helping Sanjaya win, but he’s ashamed to admit that they don’t vote. Artie said he knew he liked them.

Howard said the girl who was on a hunger strike in protest of Sanjaya had to call off her strike; her doctor told her to stop. Howard said “she thought Sanjaya would be voted off in a week. Meanwhile, the doctor called in. He’s voting for Sanjaya.” Howard went on to say he doesn’t believe she’s striking at all; she still looks big. Robin agrees, saying that there’s no way she’d be hurt by a hunger strike. Howard plays a clip of another guy who is holding his own hunger strike. The guy says his bowel movements have been different. Howard said he’s waiting for the guy to start hallucinating. Artie tells the guy to “have a sandwich.”

Howard said Bill O’Reilly interviewed a lawyer who claimed that what Howard was doing was illegal and that he should be sued. The woman said that Howard is intentionally interfering with malicious intent. Bill actually argued Howard’s side, saying this probably helps American Idol. Howard said yes; check the ratings. The woman says people are under “Howard Stern’s spell”. Artie said Bill should’ve ended the segment with “thanks, stupid”.

Eric the Midget called in and Howard asked if he is for once having some fun. Eric said yeah and added that even Jennifer Lopez and Pink are voting for Sanjaya. Eric went on to say that he voted for Sanjaya 125 times after he got off the air with Ralph.

Artie said his relationship with the girl from Atlantic City is over. The break was amicable; she thought Artie would be “more committed to the whole thing”. Artie said they had sex 3 times at his place in a day and half. But when she asked if she could leave a couple things in a drawer and asked for a key, Artie denied her request and told her that he didn’t want to be committed on any level.

Robin said Bubba says Akira is serious about f’ing Artie. Artie said he doesn’t need her and that he took a broad from Philly to see the Allman Brothers and Leslie West. He said she has a crazy-strong Philly accent, and, mocking Eric the Midget, added that sex was up to her.

Artie said that Gregg Allman came over to introduce himself while the rest of the band was in the middle of a long jam. Gary, who was at the same concert with his son Jackson, said the show was amazing, but the solos/jams go on real long. He said that, at one point, all the guitarists left while just the bass player and drummer jammed for a half hour. Howard said he hates extended jams; it’s why he hated the Cream reunion. Robin agreed, saying the only station she avoids on Sirius is the jam-band channel.

Artie said he also took the girl and her friend to a Yankee game, noting that the whole outing cost him $1,100...and the Yankee’s lost on top of it all. Artie said the cost was so high because they ate and drank at the game. Gary argued that it’s because Artie orders “double Jacks,” which are insanely expensive at the ballpark. Artie admitted this was true, but added that his date was “a drinker” herself.

Howard said he’s much too famous; he’s all over TV after visiting Miami over the break. He said he went for a walk on the beach with Beth, and that the pictures ended up all over the Internet and TV within a day. Later, on the last day of their vacation, they were swimming in the hotel pool, and pictures of him kissing Beth in the pool showed up on Extra. Howard is creeped out that some jackass was at the pool taking pictures of him, adding that he’s done with Miami and all that bullshit. Howard played the clip from Extra, saying it’s bullshit. Gary said he’s not sure why it’s news. Robin answered that it’s news because Howard was caught being intimate. Howard said he has a new place for vacation: Auschwitz. He said he’s going for a shower and the oven-baked pizza. Howard then predicted Extra’s promo: “Howard heats up Auschwitz: NEXT!”

Howard said he watched “Running With Scissors” with Beth and neither really liked it. Howard then put in the new Steven Seagal movie, which Howard said was terrible but he loved every minute. He’s amazed that Seagal still acts like he can do anything, “even now that he’s got a double chin, his karate is down to waving his arms a couple times, and he’s wearing a giant kimono.” Howard then described the plot of the movie, which follows a warplane that’s stolen and sold to terrorists. Howard said Seagal has to save the day, and not only does he recover the plane, he has a dogfight with another plane, winning by using his plane’s invisibility feature. Howard loved how Seagal ends it by saying “Job done,” while the American flag fluttered behind him. Howard said he’s gonna rent it again.

Howard checked to see if Eric was still on the line. He was; he’s been holding for the trivia contest. Eric asked, since he’s now on board, if he can he be called “Eric the Actor” instead of “Eric the Midget”. Artie suggested “Eric the Sanjaya fan”, and Howard put the little man back on hold.

Howard brought up that, Don Imus made a racist statement on the air. Howard then recalled Imus confronted a black female co-worker in the halls of WNBC in the 80s and made racist comments to her, but management, which he said did know about the incident, did nothing. Robin said she saw this and was once a victim herself. Howard said he can’t believe the paper says Imus is “a wildly popular” radio host, but it does accurately quote Imus’ comments about the Rutgers female basketball team. Howard said it’s funny how the guy’s true colors keep showing through.

Howard said some of his terrestrial radio replacements had a 0.0 rating in Los Vegas, which Artie recognized the number as Blutarski’s GPA in “Animal House.” Just mentioning “Animal House” started Artie reciting, from memory, a scene from the movie. Howard says any other personality would be fired for such comments, adding that, in terms of some of the other things Imus has said in the past, this isn’t really that bad. Howard went on to say that Imus is a horrible human being, and “if there’s a blackened core of a human being, that’s Imus”.

Howard then played clips from Imus’ apology. Robin said Imus always apologizes, but he never changes. Howard said his name keep being brought up in the articles, but the difference between them is that Howard’s not racist.

Sour Shoes called in as Gregg Allman. Artie said that Gregg hadn’t sounded that good in 30 years. Sour Shoes ran through a couple songs, much to Howard and Artie’s amusement. Robin said that Sour Shoes has so much skill and talent but all he does is call in to this show. Jeff the Drunk called to say he’s under Howard’s spell and voting for Sanjaya.

Lisa G came in to report that Beth O’s “lovely engagement ring” was #2 on OK magazine’s list of the best celebrity engagement rings. Rebecca Romijn’s yellow diamond ring was #1. Artie laughed at the fact that Howard got beat by Jerry O’Connell. Howard said Beth loved the look of her diamond in the pool in Miami, and he told her if anything happens to it, the engagement’s off.

JD came into the studio to announce the clips of celebrities endorsing Sanjaya, prompting Robin to note that JD’s new haircut made him look like Prince Valiant. Artie said he caught some of the replays over the break and has come to the realization that JD is the greatest radio performer ever.

While JD was standing next to Lisa G, Howard noted what a cute couple the two made. Artie thought they looked more like the hot sister and her nerd brother from every 80’s movie. Lisa said JD always gives her inadvertently backhanded compliments. JD replied that he doesn’t feel comfortable complimenting people. Howard said JD is awkward when he talks with him.

Howard asked if JD’s visit with his dad over the break went well. JD said yes; he and his dad went to a ballgame. When pressed, JD says he doesn’t want to talk about where they stayed. JD said ever since “that stuff” about his mom came out, he’s lost the will to talk about his family. Gary said JD forbade HowardTV from taping any visit he pays to his mother. JD did note that he got to spend time with his brother, who has a girlfriend. Artie replied that JD’s brother can probably form a sentence.

Gary said some of the guys have given up, naming Tim as an example. Howard agreed, saying Tim looks fatter, but that Brain Phalen looks thinner. Gary said Jason looks like he has AIDS. Howard noted that Jason needs new pants, and Jason agreed. Jason said he has upped his workout to an hour a day. Howard said Jason almost looks normal, but it looked like Jon Hein had given up. Jon said he’s just following his team leader.

Tim lost 3 pounds to 255 pounds. Jason lost 11 pounds to 239 pound. Brian lost 3 pounds to 228 pounds. Scott lost 9 pounds to 236 pounds.

Artie said that if Scott wins, he’ll probably get a disease from losing weight too quickly. Artie also said he brought his checkbook this morning because he promised everyone on his team a grand when they lost.

Artie gained 3 pounds to 296! Artie said he’s turned to Reese’s peanut butter cups. He had nine yesterday, at two in the morning. “Two super size 4-packs and a single.” Howard said 300 pounds will be a landmark. Artie agreed, saying this is a highpoint, which is wake-up call; “I’ll get into this week”.

Jon Hein went on vacation to Disney World, and said that it’s not a good place to diet. Howard said Jon just has no fortitude or self-determination when it comes to dieting. Jon lost 3 pounds to 246. Gange gained 3 pounds to 247 pounds (which is where he started).

Benjy lost 9 more pounds to 228 pounds, which he noted meant that Scott as still losing. Scott said he’s got a month to catch up, and continued to accuse Benjy of manipulating his weight. Benjy replied that only Jason had a chance, but even he won’t be able to do it. Benjy can’t wait to have the F’you money, adding that he hasn’t even gone “crazy” yet. Benjy then asked Scott if he thought his family would be happier with his life insurance money. With Artie’s team eliminated, Tim’s team and Benjy are going forward. Artie then wrote checks out to his team, including Jon, who Artie had to ask how to spell his name.

Artie thought Benjy would win because he’s the craziest. Howard agreed, noting that Benjy was a wrestler so he knows how to cut weight. Scott replied that he had beaten 5 guys out of 8. Artie answered that the prize for third was nothing.

Vito, a wrestling fan, came into the studio to take on Eric the Midget in a game of Wrestling Trivia. Howard tells Vito that if he loses, Sal gets to teabag him.

Question 1: In Rocky 3, Stallone’s character wrestles Hulk Hogan’s character. What was Hogan’s character’s name?
Eric doesn’t know. Vito steals with the right answer.

Question 2: Donald Trump shaved Vince McMahon’s head after his wrestler beat McMahon’s in a match. Which wrestler represented Trump?
Eric answered right; Bobby Lashley.

Vito nailed question 3; Dusty Roads.

Question 4: NFL legend and NY Giant Lawrence Taylor wrestled which popular wrestler?
Vito answered correctly; Bam Bam Bigelow.

Question 5: Andy Kaufman staged a feud in the 70s with which wrestler?
Vito knew it was Jerry Lawler.

Eric answers question 6 correctly; Diamond Dallas Page.

Question 7: What wrestler campaigned with George Bush Sr. in 1992?
Neither contestant knew.

Question 8: Before he was governor, Jesse Venture was the mayor of what city in MN?
Vito had the right answer; Brooklyn Park.

Question 9: John Cena wrestled under what name before joining the WWE?
Vito correctly said The Prototype.

Question 10: Who was the only Jewish wrestler to pin Hogan for the WCW title?
Again, Vito knew the answer; Goldberg.

After winning, Vito said he’d be willing to get teabagged by Sal for an autographed photo of Howard. Sal came in wearing a silver cape and a black unitard, his sack hanging out a hole in the crotch. Vito also agreed to let Richard “c***slap” him in exchange for Sal-and-Richard autograph. Artie said it would be funny if Vito was gay and starting sucking Sal’s balls. Sal dipped his balls in chocolate pudding and teabagged Vito, farting in his face in the process. Richard then put banana pudding on his penis and slapped Vito’s face. Vito then took Sal’s balls in his mouth. Robin said it looks like they all want to be with men. Artie told Vito that “right now, Howard’s assistant is signing that picture. You’re a good sport and a huge fag.”

Angry Black called in to say he’s organizing a protest in front of the Don Imus Pediatric Center. Howard told him to bring Miss Black Howard Stern and make signs that say “Imus has a 1 share”. Howard then played more of the Imus apology clip, with Imus explaining how he has black children at his cancer-kid ranch. Robin retorted that “in the Imus rodeo, you are the bucking bronco and Imus is Calamity Jane”. Imus continued on to say that he doesn’t just go the white kids’ funerals. Artie-as-Imus said, “I used to let ‘em stand next to the silverware. Unguarded.” Howard noted that Imus’ comment wasn’t half as offensive as his apology. Howard finished by saying that if Imus comes on the show and eats bleu cheese out of Beetlejuice’s ass, he will forgive him.

Playboy Playmate Shannon James came in to thank the guys for bringing her to Playboy’s attention; she was discovered during a round of Playboy evaluations. Shannon admitted to meeting Pauly Shore at the Playboy Mansion, causing Artie to warn her not to bother calling the show again if she f’ed Pauly, adding that “when you’re f’ing Pauly Shore, you’re f’ing us.” However, Shannon assured him that she knew better than to be the second Playboy Playmate coming from the Howard Stern Show to make that mistake.

Howard and Artie took a second to watch video of Shannon’s centerfold shoot on their monitors. Artie asked to be excused while he f’ed his computer in response. Shannon noted that Artie made her feel really confident during her past appearance. Artie said, “I was here? There’s another reason not to do drugs.”

Shannon said she wanted to be an actress, so Artie and Shannon acted out a scene from “The Godfather.” Afterward, Artie said that in the beginning, Shannon was taking Shatner-esque pauses, but after a while, she got good. Robin wondered which guy in the room Shannon would mostly likely sleep with and Shannon picked Benjy. Artie offered Shannon $50,000 to pick him instead (and to actually follow through with it), but she refused. Artie replied that she’d probably take it after her 7th audition for Entourage.

Shannon mentioned that she was shocked that Artie didn’t remember her, as he had called her after her last appearance. Artie slowly remembered, admitting that they talked off-air and exchanged info. Artie then admitted that he called her, but at the time, she was unpacking at her freshman dorm in Florida. Artie said he felt really creepy and added that it was clear that she wasn’t into him.

Artie came back from break saying that Vito’s uncle was “not right” and falling asleep in the green room. Vito agreed, added that his uncle had been drinking for 8 days. Vito’s uncle, Daniel, stepped into studio. Daniel slurred something about drinking since 4:30am. Howard then asked him if we can call him Not-Right Daniel. He said sure.

Finally, Howard returned again to the Imus apology. Imus said he was sorry and embarrassed; “I did a bad thing but I’m a good person”. Howard said that he’s glad something interesting finally happened on Imus’ show and noted that it’s the first time he’s been forced to play an Imus clip on his show. Artie replied that it’s a good thing Howard replayed the apology, since now someone has heard it. Howard then said that he’s going to play the Imus apology again tomorrow. Artie loved Howard’s idea, but wants the apology to be given its own channel, but with Not Right Uncle Daniel as the host.

• Jenna Jameson’s Vaginoplasty

• Greek cruise ship sinks

• B.C. Comic strip artist Johnny Hart dies

• DNA test results for Dannielyn Smith paternity suit may be in soon

• AND, Anna Nicole Smith’s diaries are up for auction...again

• Kevin Costner is suing a record producer

• Liz Hurley gets her new husband disowned by his parents

• The pet food scandal continues

• Betty Ford spends her birthday in the hospital

• Bush visits the troops, at Fort Hood, Texas, to celebrate Easter

• A new book is out about the situation in Iraq

• Lot’s of people are criticizing Dick Cheney, including Republicans

• Iran released the British Marines it had taken hostage

• Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will release his country’s nuclear plans today

• Newt Gingrich joins the call for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’ resignation

• “Blades of Glory” beats Tarantino’s “Grindhouse” for the Number 1 movie in America this past weekend

• Richard Gere is in a new movie, “The Hoax”

• Andy Baldwin is the new “Bachelor”

• Clyde Drexler talks about “Dancing With The Stars,” and Artie want to start a “Vote For Clyde” campaign

• Don Imus will pay a visit to Rev. Al Sharpton’s radio show today

• A prison psychologist is charged with having sex with a patient/inmate in a Brooklyn jail