MUFFIN MAIL
The Howard Stern Show for May 17, 2007

The show started with Howard mentioning that he asked Robin if she was okay this morning following the shots she took during the Andy Dick Roast yesterday, but she assured him she didn’t care about what most people – much less comedians who didn’t know her – said about her. Despite this, Howard noted that when Beth heard some of the jokes yesterday’s roasters made at Robin’s expense, she advised him to make sure Robin was ok, but Robin laughed off his concern. This led Howard to point out he felt Robin was laughing to hide her true feelings, and added that, based on her reaction, he didn’t think she was able to feel “compassion.” Robin then said she didn’t like the way Howard approached her today to ask how the graduation she attended yesterday was, and wished he hadn’t “wasted her time” and should’ve instead come right out and asked if she was all right about the roast. Given Robin’s response, Howard apologized for “caring” about her, and she again laughed.

Robin then to asked about the fans’ reactions to the roast, and Howard told her that the e-mail was mixed, but that there was a story about it in today’s New York Post. After Howard noted that the Rev. Bob Levy wasn’t named in the article, he also said Bob was on yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show” blaming the in-studio audience – and not his material – for the lack of laughs. However, Artie replied that, while yesterday’s crowd was more “relaxed” than previous roast attendees, he didn’t believe the fans should be criticized.

Howard proceeded to read some of the e-mails he received about the roast, with a few of them saying it was difficult listening to the event when the comedians “bombed.” Artie addressed the remark, though, by pointing out what he liked about the show’s roasts was that they were unedited, and that such lulls occurred at every roast, but those parts were cut out of other broadcasts.

Artie brought up that he was recognized during yesterday’s “Intern Show” award ceremony with an “Inty Award” for being “The Most Popular Member of the Show,” and was surprised Fred was nominated for the category of “easiest job.” Steve the Intern, the host of the show, came into the studio to explain that the reason Fred received the distinction was because some of the interns thought all he did was “hit a button,” which Fred jokingly acknowledged was true. Howard then admitted he was disappointed that he didn’t receive any nominations at all, but Steve told him it was because the interns were “afraid” to talk about him on the air.

Steve also noted that JD took home the most awards, winning for the categories of “Creepiest,” “Easiest Job” and “Worst-Dressed Staffer.” Steve added that Ross Zapin won the “Who the F’ is That?” award, while Will was picked as “The Most Attractive Staff Member.”

Upon hearing about Will’s award, Howard commented that he didn’t think any of his interns would have sex with him, but Rachel the Intern entered the studio to say she would sleep with him if given the opportunity. Rachel also noted she was once in a relationship with the actor, Jason Mewes, and that she was 27 years old and didn’t start school until “later in life,” which Howard admitted “impressed” him.

Ronnie the Limo Driver then came into the studio to say he didn’t think Howard should discuss Rachel’s relationships with some of the people from the show, and she responded by saying she didn’t talk with certain people – including JD – because of the way they treated her.

Jeff the Drunk called in from the hospital to report that he has been told he can no longer smoke at the hospital, but Howard mentioned he didn’t think people were allowed to smoke in hospitals in the first place. After Jeff noted he used to smoke outside the building and now couldn’t do that, Howard wondered why Jeff’s speech was slurred, which he replied was because he was on morphine. In fact, Jeff added he liked being in the hospital so much that he didn’t want to leave, and thought his doctors were trying to make his stay as uncomfortable as possible by keeping him from smoking so that he’d go home as soon as possible.

Howard then said he felt Jeff was “the most ungrateful” caller, but that he got the vibe from fans that they believed that title went to Eric the Midget. Eric proceeded to call in to make fun of Jeff – including asking him “how many tickets” were going to be on his trailer when he was released from the hospital – but all Jeff said in reply to his insults was “shut the f’ up.”

Howard had the King of Cable into the studio, and explained that he used to make prank calls for the show when he was 15 years old, which he added was 13 years ago. Howard mentioned King had come out of the closet since they last spoke, and King acknowledged he knew he was gay for as long as he could remember. King then said he went to college and got a degree in communications, and it was about that time that he stopped making prank calls. King added his parents were “disappointed” in him when he used to make prank calls, and Howard honored him by playing some of his calls.

Following some of the clips, Kevin the Intern entered to report that King had hit on him prior to his interview, but that he turned down the offer seeing as he wasn’t gay. Howard then announced that Scott DePace was “disgusted” by King, and Scott came in to explain he had nothing against King, but was put off by the more graphic comments he was making about his sexual practices. After King replied by taking shots at Scott’s shirt, Howard asked Scott to leave the studio so he could “celebrate King’s return.”

Howard played more tapes from King’s career, including one to a PBS telethon whose organizers actually took him to court over his prank, only to have the case dropped after they found out King was only 15 years old. Capt. Janks called in to recall how he used to work with King on prank calls, and King noted that he “loved” Janks.

As King’s interview wound down, Howard pointed out that he felt the prank calls people made on behalf of the show, especially in the early years, brought everyone together, and Artie added the promotion the calls gave to the show was immeasurable as well.

After Artie brought up a congratulatory card George Takei had sent him for his “tasty performance” on “Entourage” a few weeks ago, Scott DePace came back into the studio to claim Doug Goodstein “threw him under the bus” for his remarks about the King of Cable. Scott went on to say he was merely “talking to the TV” when he gave his opinions about King, and that he didn’t think Doug should’ve made any of his comments known to Howard.

Howard took a call from a man who worked in “the mango industry” and therefore couldn’t afford a subscription to SIRIUS. Although Howard began the conversation by saying he believed the caller could pay for SIRIUS, he changed his mind once he found out the man’s salary. Given this, Howard told the caller that he’d look into getting him a free SIRIUS radio and subscription, but Gary pointed out he thought Howard was setting a dangerous precedent with the gesture. Howard responded by insisting this caller was the only person who was going to get such a gift, with the one exception being anyone who killed Osama bin Laden.

Artie said he was looking forward to eating his chicken and rice with Howard this morning as part of his new diet, which led Howard to note that Beth ran into Artie’s sister recently, and that his sister claimed she didn’t consider Artie to be “a fat guy.” Although Fred said he “respectfully disagreed” with Artie’s sister’s assessment of him, Howard acknowledged he understood what she was saying, explaining, to him, Artie didn’t look like he weighed as much as he did, which was exactly 300 pounds as of yesterday. Artie then commented that he had a number of life insurance policies, and those, along with all his other assets, meant his mother and sister would be taken care of for their lives should he die.

While Howard again talked about the intern awards from yesterday, he also took a call from Sour Shoes, who said he was 32 years old, and who went on to perform a number of Pink Floyd songs, including “Money” as he also did his impressions of Scott Ferrall and Ronnie the Limo Driver.

As Howard read more of the “Inty Award” winners, including that Artie was the funniest staffer as well as the most popular one, he admitted he was hurt that he didn’t win either of the categories. Steve the Intern then came into the studio and told Howard that he thought he didn’t win any awards because the interns were too intimidated by him, which, he added, was why he wasn’t even nominated for any awards.

Henry Hill, the former gangster turned informant, who was made famous in “Goodfellas,” called in and claimed he’d given up drinking, although he also admitted he’d had wine last night. Howard asked Henry if he was troubled by his past, but Henry laughed without answering the question. Robin then commented she felt the only troubles Henry had now resulted from the fact that he turned on his friends, and Henry replied that he did “miss the life.” When Henry insisted he was happy now and that he spent his time painting, Howard didn’t think that was true and that Henry really was craving to be a mobster again.

Henry mentioned that John Gotti was the one who killed Tommy DeVito, who was played by Joe Pesci in “Goodfellas,” which Artie said was “f’ing fascinating” to him. This led Henry to talk about other details about the movie and how they compared to what really happened, and Artie acknowledged he loved hearing Henry this morning, especially because he wasn’t drunk or high.

Howard took a call from another former gangster and Henry’s biggest critic, Paulie, who reported he used to know Henry and all the other mobsters, and that he felt Henry was “a liar.” However, despite Paulie’s words, Henry mentioned that he didn’t know Paulie back then, but Paulie refuted that claim and challenged Henry to a fight, which Henry said he wasn’t interested in doing.

As Paulie and Henry argued, Howard wondered if this was an example of why Henry was depressed: namely that, in the past, he could’ve had Paulie “whacked” but now had to put up with him. Before Henry could answer, though, Paulie referred to Henry as “the Imus of the f’in’ mob,” adding that he never had the power to order a hit, and didn’t have the respect of any of the mobsters he knew.

Once Paulie hung up, Henry said he would’ve been “made” had he been a full Italian, but Dominic Barbara got on the line to say he knew the mobsters in question when he first started practicing law in 1969, and that he felt Henry’s role was “glamorized” in “Goodfellas.” Gary then came into the studio to say he’d read another gangster, Tommy Argo, was the one who actually killed Tommy, not John Gotti, but Henry assured him his recollection of what happened was accurate.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely the fake one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) David Beckham gave a big tip to a Black Jack dealer in Las Vegas.

(2) Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson bought a bed together.

(3) Paris Hilton destroyed a hotel’s $80,000 vase but got out of having to pay for it.

(4) Yoko Ono spit food into a flight attendant’s hand during a trip to New York because she didn’t like it.

While Howard went with the fourth story as the fake, Robin picked the second report, Artie chose the David Beckham story and Fred agreed with Artie. Mike then revealed Fred and Artie were correct with their guesses.

• Some people aren’t remembering Jerry Falwell in a positive light.

• Jerry Falwell’s ghostwriter, an openly gay man, has commented on his death as well.

• The minority population in America has surpassed the 100 million mark.

• Marijuana was found in a Happy Meal.

• A study has revealed the benefits of herpes.

• Denise Richards and Richie Sambora have ended their relationship.

• Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher went on a date this week.

• Paris Hilton’s prison sentence has been shortened.

• A study has shown airbags may be harmful to certain people.

• Marilyn Manson has blamed depression for his recent divorce.

• Keith Richards is shopping around an autobiography.

• One of Martin Luther King’s children died at 51.

• Prince Harry is disappointed he won’t be sent to Iraq.

• Bo Diddley suffered a stroke.