WANNA F MY MOM?
The Howard Stern Show for May 22, 2007

Howard opened this morning noting that he was already cranky because he didn’t get much sleep last night. He said Beth went out so he watched “Dancing With The Stars” and then beat off right after it ended, prompting Robin to ask if he had the boys or the girls from the show in his head as he pleasured himself. Howard replied by congratulating her on her line, and then assured her it was the girls. Since they were on the subject, Artie claimed he tried to beat off to Miss Howard TV, Amber, last night but even his fantasy she turned down his $100,000. Gary reported that the Howard TV guys had Amber in the studio till 3PM shooting promos yesterday, a job that normally takes an hour or two. Howard noted that someone had suggested a contest in which Artie puts up $100,000 and then they get hot chicks to bid that down for the opportunity to “date” him. The first “bidder” was a guy named Jerry who offered $50,000 and promised Artie lots of fun “activities”.

Howard went on explain his crankiness, saying that he fell asleep at 9:00 but woke up again at 1:30 to pee. Then he started watching the 2 hour finally of “The Bachelor” and couldn’t go back to sleep.

Howard brought a guy named Mike into the studio, explaining that he works in the building’s copy center and had recently won a million dollars from a scratch off lottery ticket. Mike explained that he does the scratch off tickets all the time, and usually wins a few dollars at a time, which he saves up to cash in all at once. This time he cashed in $40 worth of winning tickets to buy the ticket that ended up being worth $1 million. Mike explained that he doesn’t get a lump sum payment, but gets $50,000 a year over the next 20 years, which Robin was quick to point out was more like $35,000 after taxes. Artie then started to give Mike “advice” on what to do with his winnings – like taking the Braves over the Mets tonight. Howard also advised Mike not to lend anyone any money, but Mike said that no one has even asked him for any yet – but he would take Howard’s advice should they ever do so. As Howard wished Mike luck with his new found fortune, Artie continued to give him his “locks” for tonight.

With Eric the Midget on the phone, Howard told him how disappointed he was with him, explaining that he had gotten an email from Jimmy Kimmel saying that, after they had paid about $4,000 to fly Eric and his roommate to LA for the “American Idol” finale – only for Eric to back out at the last minute, blaming his roommate’s job. This prompted Robin to call Eric the most ungrateful “asshole” in the history of the show. Ralph called in to say he would take Eric to LA, but Howard reminded him that he’d have to wipe Eric’s behind should he go to the bathroom during the two days they’d be together. Despite the fact that Eric replied, “Big nose jackass, I wipe my own ass.” Ralph withdrew his offer based on the threat of performing such a task. Someone else then suggested Eric wear a diaper for the two days instead and Artie noted that he’s always wanted to wear a diaper to a Giants game so he’d never have to leave his seat to use the bathroom. Bobo then called in to suggest that someone be sent to Eric’s house to cut his phone wires to prevent him from ever calling in again, while Robin asked if was possible to revoke someone’s Sirius subscription. Despite caller after caller expressing their disappointment with Eric, Howard declared that he just couldn’t hate him. Gary then piped in that they had a bit scheduled with the porn star Eric claimed was his “go to girl” when he wanted to pleasure himself: Brandy Talore. Gary said Brandy had offered to do a “scene” with Eric for $10,000 and Howard added that they were going to try to raise the money to help Eric out but now wondered if they should be doing something like that for him

Howard then got Brandy on the phone with Eric, but not before chastising Gary for correcting him when he pronounced her last name as “Taylor.” Brandy explained that, even though she spelled her name Talore, she did pronounce it as “Taylor.” Brandy further explained that she has ALL NATURAL 36FFF breasts. Eric said he found her Website about a year ago and thought she looked really cute, which is why he spends $25 a month on her site. Eric went on to reveal that he really likes her “solo work” so Howard suggested they try some phone sex this morning. Eric started off saying he’d like to play with her breasts and Brandy asked if he had ever “titty f’ed” a girl, which he hadn’t. However, Brandy decided that he might get swallowed by her triple-F breasts. As Eric continued with his nearly silent phone sex, Howard interrupted him – prompting Artie to thank him for waking him up. Howard noted that the only one to ever F Eric was god – with Robin adding that even he only did it once.

Brandy tried her hardest to get things going, but Eric continued with his lackluster performance. At one point Brandy asked how big Eric was and he replied 5 inches – causing Howard to point out that Eric should at least tell her he’s “a fat 8 inches,” with Robin adding that he should tell her he’s 6 feet tall as well. Johnny Fratto called in to offer Eric his advice, telling him to say, “Suck my c’ or I’ll blow your head off!” Eric then claimed he was having trouble performing in public and if it was just him and Brandy on the phone things would be different. Howard then offered to set Eric up on a “date” with Brandy, noting that nothing was guaranteed on this date. Brandy and Eric then started discussing “American Idol” and the conversation really started to get going, with Howard pointing out that it was the best phone sex of the morning.

Howard TV producer, Jason Serotin brought his mother, Roxanne, in this morning in hopes of getting one of his coworkers to sleep with her. Jason explained that his father died several years ago, adding that he was in prison for three years towards the end of his life. Jason went on to say he felt bad for his mother and just wanted to help her be happy, which was why he was now asking his coworkers to have sex with his mom. Roxanne revealed that she was very nervous this morning and Jason had gotten her a bottle of champagne to help calm her.

Roxanne described her sex life with her husband as very wild, saying that she would occasionally have sex with other men in front of her husband – at her husband’s request. She went on to say that her husband would usually direct her sessions with other men and would often have sex with her afterwards. When Howard asked what the wildest thing she and her husband did, Roxanne had a hard time coming up with anything, even with her son asking if she had ever “rimmed” a man. But Jason did go silent when his mother recalled the time her husband and another man “DP’ed” her, causing Jason to admit that was one of very few things he did NOT want to hear about his parents’ sex life.

Jason noted that none of this surprised him because, as he put it, his father was a “huge pervert.” Jason went on to explain that his dad would show him his dildos and other toys all the time. Robin asked Roxanne if she had had any lesbian experiences, which she had – but the kicker was that Jason said he knew about this because his father showed him Polaroid photos of his mother with other women. Roxanne said she wished her husband was still alive so she could kill him for showing those photos to her son.

Howard invited the first candidate/coworker to have sex with Roxanne, Lee, into the studio. Lee remarked that, not only was it very strange to have Jason approach him about having sex with his mother, but this morning Jason asked if he was getting hard. Roxanne went on to explain that she was picky about who she had sex with, saying that she had to have connection with the person first. Howard thought this meant she didn’t like the way Lee looked but Roxanne insisted it was more than looks and said she would have to talk to Lee for a while to know if there was a connection.

Howard then brought a surprise candidate to vie for Roxanne’s affections: Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Kenneth Keith came in saying that he embodied the American Male with drugs, drink, rock & roll and long hair, but Artie pointed out that it wasn’t 1971 anymore...to which Kenneth replied, “It’s not?” Jason then said he drew the line at Kenneth Keith, but that didn’t seem to deter him. Howard then brought Jason’s other coworker, Gregg, in to meet Roxanne. Gregg came in saying, “Hello Mrs. S,” and explained that he’s always had a fantasy about having sex with an older woman, but thought it would be too weird to have sex with his friend’s mother. Sal burst into the studio to ask Roxanne to flash her breasts and Artie threatened to have Kenneth Keith do his standup act for her if she didn’t comply. Roxanne, however, declined to show off her goods in front of her son – even after the guys scraped up $47 to get her to lift her shirt.

After Sal tried to take matters into his own hands, Ralph called to suggest that Roxanne ride the Sybian while Jason mans the controls, which got an “Eww!” from both mother and son. Kenneth Keith then started pulling props out of his bag, including dildos, vibrators and a magnifying glass he said was for examining for genital warts, per his doctor’s order, only stopping after he put a dildo in his mouth. Howard then asked Gregg if there was a chance if he’d sleep with Jason’s mom, but Gregg thought it would be too weird, prompting Artie to ask if would help if Gregg “F’d Jason” first. However, when Howard asked Gregg if he’d touch Roxanne’s breast, he said sure, but only after getting her permission first, and to keep things going, Howard persuaded Roxanne to grab Gregg’s crotch in return – with his permission, of course. While both Gregg and Roxanne thought things were already getting kind of weird, Jason just thought it was funny, while Sal thought it’d be really funny if Gregg upped the ante and grabbed Roxanne’s crotch...neither of them laughed though.

Jason’s wife, Courtney, joined Jason and Roxanne in the studio and Howard asked her if she’d ever do anything with her daughter-in-law, which got an emphatic “No Way!” Howard then asked Courtney if she’d ever “swing” like her mother-in-law, which also got a “No Way!” Finally, the guys convinced Roxanne to flash her boobs, but only after Jason stepped out of the studio. In closing out the segment, Howard thanked Roxanne for coming in and said he was sorry she hadn’t made a connection with any of the young men they’d offered her this morning, but then tried one last time to get her on the Sybian – to no avail.

Steven Van Zandt, otherwise known as Silvio on “The Sopranos” and Little Steven in The E Street Band, stopped by to say hello this morning. To open, Howard asked if it was hard for Steve to leave Bruce Springsteen’s band. Steve said that it was just time for him to leave and go out on his own, which led Artie to note that the song “Bobby Jean” was purported to be about his departure. Howard then switched topics to “The Sopranos,” noting that James Gandolfini seems so perfect in his role as Tony Soprano that he should legally change his name to that now that the show is ending.

Since he had Little Steven in the studio, Artie tried to get him to agree that there was no chance Bruce Springsteen would ever appear on “American Idol,” explaining his bet that he would shock his balls if that ever happened. Even though Steven thought this was never likely to happen he did note that, given the way the music industry has changed, going on shows like “American Idol” was one of the few ways left for artists to get there works out. Robin then urged Steven to call Bruce and convince him to do “Idol” just for fun. As Artie began to desperately argue against this, Steven pointed out that there really wasn’t much difference between Bruce going on “Idol” versus going on “Letterman,” which he has done. To further rile Artie up, Steven noted that, like it or not, “American Idol” was a big part of today’s music business. He also revealed that he would not be surprised to see a new album from Bruce sometime in the next year, so there was always the chance they’d be looking for ways to promote it.

Howard noted that the main reason Steven had stopped by this morning was to promote a project he was very passionate about, “CBGB Forever,” a CD that raises money to pay off the very large legal bill the legendary rock club incurred as it struggled to stay open last year. Steven said the CD featured lots of rare tracks, like the Foo Fighters doing the Ramones’ “Danny Says,” Green Day doing “Favorite Son” and U2 also signing a Ramones tune, “Beat On The Brat.”

Back on the subject of “The Sopranos,” Howard asked if it was strange for Steven to see it all end, which Steven admitted it was because he loved getting to be someone else for a couple of days a week. Robin then asked if it had been hard for Silvio to kill Adrianna and Steven revealed that it is a lot harder to kill someone than it looks, even when you’re just acting. Being careful not to have Steven reveal anything specific, Howard asked if we could expect to see some violence in the last 2 episodes – which Steven assured him would be the case. Artie mentioned that he loved the way David Chase, the creator of “The Sopranos” named all the episodes, noting the episode in which Christopher died was titled “Heidi and Kennedy,” which were the names of the two girls in the car Christopher swerved to miss.

Marriann from Brooklyn called to say how much she loved Steven, telling a story about how he signed a book for her once. Howard hung up on her though as she started to complain that Bruce was no longer the “common man’s” rock star because he now shops at Barney’s. Steven concluded by saying that, while he can’t reveal the ending of “The Sopranos,” it is a brilliant ending. While Howard noted that, in addition to acting and playing music, Steven programs two music channels at Sirius, “The Underground Garage” on channel 25 and “Outlaw Country” on channel 63.

Coming back from a break, Howard started talking about upcoming “Dancing With The Stars Final” noting that the final three competitors are Apolo Ohno, Joey Fatone and Laila Ali. While Robin explained how she thought the two men had the best chance, Howard pointed out that the judges seemed to really like Mohammad Ali’s daughter. Then, as Howard got into a more detailed explanation, Robin told him to stop because he was making her gay. Artie closed the discussion by pointing out how funny he thought it was that Joey Fatone was the fat one in ‘NSync, since that’s what his name spelled.

A transvestite named Bee called in to complain that the Tranny Contest the show was holding was limited to post-op transsexuals, explaining that there were many good looking “girls” who still had their penises. Bee had even sent in pictures in hopes of convincing Howard to change the rules. When he looked at the pictures he admitted he was having second thoughts given how much Bee looked like Justine/Jason Bateman, but ended up saying that the rules could not be changed this late in the game. He did urge Bee to call back when he/she got his/her penis cut off though. Howard then asked Artie which he’d rather sleep with (if he had sleep with one): Bee or Nicole Bass, with Artie picking Nicole because, like it or not, she did have a vagina. He also used the same reasoning to pick Nicole as the one he’d jack off to since, as he put it, “The penis kills it for him.”

• Robin read two interesting articles from the May issue of Maxim Magazine, one about making your own sex tap and the other about the 25 greatest arguments of all time.

• The suit OJ Simpson wore when he was acquitted on murder charges is up for auction.

• The Amy Fisher/Joey Buttafuoco saga continues.

• Lawmakers debate the immigration issue.

• Jimmy Carter retracts statements he made about President Bush.

• Ronald Reagan’s diaries are now available to read.

• The big “American Idol” finale is tonight.

• Brangelina take Cannes by storm.

• Britney Spears had another lip sync accident.