A CHAMPION EMERGES
The Howard Stern Show for June 28, 2007

Howard started the show by saying he watched Paris Hilton being interviewed on Larry King last night. Everyone agreed that part of Paris' sentence should've been an interview with Howard. When Larry asked Paris what she was up to now that she's out of jail, she kept referring to the “constant board meetings.” Robin said she loved the fact that Paris couldn't come up with a favorite Bible passage. Howard played a clip of Paris talking about the prison food, saying “it wasn't that tasty.” Howard thought feeding prisoners bologna loaf wasn't right, not even if an inmate killed his wife.

Artie said he disliked the new, “smart Paris” just as much as the old, “dumb Paris.” Howard played a clip of Paris claiming that she's “almost glad it happened” and explaining her hospitalization for claustrophobia. Robin reported that Larry asked Paris what she doesn't like about herself, and Paris said she hates how her voice becomes high-pitched when she's nervous. Artie found this “hardship” and Paris' claims to be a hard-worker particularly hilarious.

Howard and Fred both agreed that Shaq's new reality show was fantastic. Howard said Shaq was really supportive and great with the kids. Jon Hein came in to say that the most shocking part was about one kid who had a 50% body fat. Howard remarked that the kid had very large “man boobs,” and Jon and Fred agreed. Fred was particularly enthusiastic about the show, noting that he really enjoyed it.

Howard noted that he was on the cover of the New York Observer recently. Howard explained that he took Beth and his daughter to a party in the Hamptons, but left immediately after arriving, leaving Beth and his daughter behind. The Observer reported that Howard drove to the front of “a mile of cars of cars waiting to be parked,” and demanded that a table be moved to accommodate him. Howard said the article made him sound like an asshole and clarified some of the “facts.” Howard denied making any demands, explaining that he was told to park in front of the house by the people parking the cars and they were the ones that offered to move the table to do so.

Howard said he had Brent (Bubba the Love Sponge's producer) and the Rev. Bob Levy on the line “so they could work something out.” Brent claimed that Bob had been using Bubba's federally trademarked “shock collar bit” on Kidd Chris's show. Bob said they'd done it multiple times on Kidd Chris' show over the years. Sal came in to say that the guys in Jackass have been shocking each other for ten years, and Howard agreed, noting that a 16-year-old Johnny Knoxville once wrote the show because he wanted to be tasered on air. Benjy said he pitched a bit that involved shocking people in 1998.

Sal then complained that Bubba stole Sal and Richard's ball-licking bit, but Brent said Bubba credited Howard. Howard suggested that Bob wrestle Bubba, because they both used to be professional wrestlers. Brent thought it was a great idea. Bob said it should be a Battle Royale between him, the Iron Sheik, and “Bubbar.” Howard mockingly claimed that he invented people arguing on the air, but Artie responded that he already pitched the idea back in the 90s.

Lisa G came in to report that Beth O wasn't wearing her engagement ring when she appeared on the Channel 4 News this morning talking about some dogs the North Shore Animal League rescued recently. Howard asked Robin what she thought that meant, and Robin didn't know. Lisa said that Beth might've been doing dishes. Beth called in to say she took her ring off before the segment on NBC news because she wanted the appearance to be about the dogs that need adopting and not her ring.

Beth's mom, Judy, then got on the phone, and Howard thanked her for not forcing him to call her “mom.” Howard asked Judy why she hung up when Beth first told her that she was dating Howard. Judy said she only knew Howard by his reputation, so she was unsure of his motivations. After a couple weeks, Judy came to New York, met Howard, and “fell in love with him.” Beth grabbed the phone back from her mom and asked what Howard was saying. Howard laughed and explained that Beth gets nervous whenever Howard talks with her mom, noting that she won't even allow the two to exchange email addresses.

Howard said Doug Goodstein wanted to do a “Cribs” episode of JD's apartment for HowardTV, but JD won't allow it. Robin remarked that similarities between JD and High Pitch Mike keep stacking up. JD came in to say he wasn't sure if his roommates would want cameras in the house. Artie said he met one of JD's old roommates once, and she was a “10.” JD replied that she was never at the house, but admitted that she was really hot. Howard asked JD if HowardTV could film his reunion with his mom instead of a “Cribs” episode, but JD refused that idea as well.

Artie said he went to McDonalds with JD the other day, and JD knew the menu like the back of his hand. Artie asked to see JD's belly, so JD lifted his shirt. Artie laughed and remarked that JD was “soft.” Will came in to say that two chicks arm wrestled JD at a bar last weekend, and both beat him. Tracey, the show's office manager, made it look especially easy. Richard asked if JD could do any push-ups, so JD dropped and did 10. Howard then suggested that Robin try arm wrestling JD, so she stepped out of her studio and easily beat JD. Gary came in to say that Lindsay, “one of the cute interns,” claims she can beat JD as well. Howard said he'd put up $100 for the winner, and Artie put up an additional $50. Lindsay came in, and JD won...finally.

Howard noted that Joey Boots was coming in with a big revelation. Howard said he thought Boots was going to admit he was gay and asked what everyone else thought. Robin guessed that Boots wanted to become a woman. Artie speculated that Boots was HIV positive. Fred agreed with Howard, saying Boots will cop to being gay. Shuli guessed it was “something gay, or that he's been born again.” Howard said it would be fantastic if Joey admitted to a crime on air. Boots then came in to say that getting this revelation off his chest will help him with his recovery process.

Boots then confessed that he was gay, saying he's been going out to gay clubs “on the sly” to get blowjobs and otherwise “hook up.” Boots said he was attracted to Kevin, a former intern, but most of all, Gregg Karmel from HowardTV. Shuli came in to say that he was shocked because they've shared strippers and hotel rooms in the past. Kevin called in to ask if Boots really wanted to “pork” him, and Boots admitted that he jerked off while thinking about him. Boots said as far as bisexuality was concerned, he's mostly gay; “like 80/20,” adding that he always thinks about guys when he falls asleep.

Howard claimed it was no big deal, and Boots replied that it was a big deal for him. Bob Levy called to say that dating Lisa Lampanelli was what turned Boots gay, which Boots denied. Boots claimed that Richard was bisexual and just using his bits on the show to “test the waters.” Artie asked Boots how many women he's been with, and Boots said he'd been with 100 women and about 15 or 20 guys. Boots said that when he looks at certain guys, he “feels a loneliness in his chest” and thinks they're really good looking. Howard told Boots that coming out was a heroic thing for him to do and congratulated him for doing so.

Boots mentioned that, in addition to Richard, he thought High Pitch Eric and High Pitch Mike are closeted gays. Richard came in to see if Boots would demonstrate his oral technique on a banana, but Boots refused. Boots did admit that he has swallowed before, but only if he likes the guy, noting that he started messing around with other boys when he was 11 or 12. Howard asked who Boots used for wank-material, and Boots revealed his current go-to-guys are Taylor Hanson and Tobey Maguire.

Howard presented Boots with some gay “f-marry-kill” scenarios. Boots said he'd kill Fred, marry Artie, and f’ Gary. For the “dud” category, Boots said he'd kill Benjy, f’ JD, and marry Jason. Howard asked Boots to rate JD, and Boots settled on a “3,” adding that Shuli rated a 7 or 8 because of his personality. Boots said he flirts with their Sirius office manager, Tracey sometimes and thought she might be disappointed to find out he's gay. Tracey came in to say she loves Boots, but not that way. Boots asked Tracey if she told everyone that he gives the best blowjobs, and Tracey said she only told Boots. Artie offered to give his assistant Teddy's number to Joey, because “he might be gay.”

Dominick Barbara called up to say he was worried because he thought he liked women, but he cares deeply about one male friend in particular. Howard said noted that, if you have a need to be with a man in an non-sexual way, it doesn't necessarily make you gay. Artie suggested that Joey go to therapy “because he's a fag drug addict,” and Boots replied he'd rather to go to the theater with Robin. On his way out, Joey agreed to do a Gay Dial-A-Date segment on an upcoming show.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely the fake one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

1. Producers of “The Simple Life” forged get well messages on Paris Hilton's “Welcome Home from Jail” card.

2. Bruce Willis cursed out a young fan's mother.

3. Sharon Stone drove the staff at Mr. Chow's crazy with a detailed order.

4. Ryan Seacrest dented Simon Cowell's Rolls Royce.

Howard picked story number 4 as the fake item. Artie agreed. Robin picked number 2 and Fred picked number 1. Howard and Artie won.

Steve Langford reported that Howard100News has found tape of Ben Stern, Howard's dad, leading a recording session for the theme song for “Tennessee Tuxedo.” Howard played some clips of the live singers and band doing take after take of the song. With each successive take, the band got less and less enthusiastic. Ben called in to ask what was going on, so Howard explained that the theme song's recording session was included as an extra on a “Tennessee Tuxedo” DVD they had found on Amazon.com. Ben Stern said they'd record a million takes but always end up using the first one. Howard noted that the respect Ben gave the performers inspired him to become a broadcaster, while Fred thought the monotony of recording take after take explained why Howard’s dad would sometimes come home in a bad mood.

Howard noted that Ronnie the Limo Driver looked a little strange today, because he was wearing short, pressed jeans and cowboy boots. Doug Goodstein came in to say that Ronnie's creased jeans went out in the 70’s, adding that Ronnie looked like he's headed to Imus' ranch. Robin said Ronnie's been losing weight, and it looked to her like Ronnie had pulled old jeans out of the closet to see if he could fit into them again. Richard asked Ronnie if the jeans were Wranglers, and Will noted that Ronnie had a little cameltoe. Howard said he was thinking about sending Ronnie to anger management classes because he's road-raging all the time now. Howard promised to get into the limo situation some other time, as he had to wrap up the show.

Manhattan's Upper East Side lost power yesterday.

Paula Abdul's reality show premieres tonight.

Paris Hilton was on Larry King last night.

Ann Coulter made a really tasteless joke about John Edwards' dead son.

Evidence continues to baffle investigators of the Chris Benoit murder-suicide.

President Bush has said that America's healthcare is too costly and confusing.

A boy serving 10 years for questionable statutory rape charges is still in jail.

Brain games like chess and crossword puzzles reduce the risk of Alzheimer's disease.

The Democratic presidential candidates debate tonight.

The Spice Girls are reuniting.