THE STRONGEST NAKED WOMAN
The Howard Stern Show for July 25, 2007

Howard started the show reporting that Gary had three Crumbs' black and white cookies on his desk before 6am. Artie replied that a few people on the staff have mocked the Crumbs cupcake he designed, citing Scott DePace as one example. Artie added that he was already “a Frappucino deep” this morning, and there was no telling how many cupcakes he might eat. Artie then confessed that his driver always has his Frappucino ready in the morning.

Artie told the crew that he tried to take a nap yesterday, but ended up sleeping until 4am. Artie speculated that he might be able to sleep from the end of the show Thursday until Saturday afternoon. Jason brought in the Artie Lange breakfast special (a bagel with extra butter, a Hawaiian punch, and cup of ice), and Artie said he now has to butter the bagel himself because Jews and Italians (who supposedly know how to butter bagel properly) no longer run the majority of delis in New York.

Howard calculated Artie's calorie count so far this morning; 420 calories for a Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, 180 for the Hawaiian Punch, 495 for the bagel with extra butter, and at least 300 for the fist-sized Crumbs cupcake. Even Artie was surprised that he'd already had 1500 calories at 6:30 in the morning. Artie revealed that he was so out of control, he had french toast for lunch the other day because he “had a craving.”

Howard wondered if Joey Boots might be lying about being gay, and Artie agreed, saying that for some fans, getting attention on the show is “like heroin.” Sal came in to report that Joey recently turned down the opportunity to play “Guess What's In Sal's Pouch,” which, to him, indicated that Joey might not be as gay as he was. Joey called up to say he would prove it, but not, as Artie suggested, with a gay hooker (or Sal's “disgusting” penis). Gary offered to set Joey up with a gay porn star, and Joey quickly agreed.

Howard said Sal flipped out on the Wrap-Up Show yesterday and then played a few clips of Sal explaining why he spoke to Russell Simmons. Sal claimed he was putting Russell at ease, but Howard felt Russell didn't need to have Sal put him at ease, because he had conducted himself “beautifully.” Sal came in to say he called himself a “white devil” because he wanted to play to Russell's alleged pre-existing prejudices. Both Artie and Howard said Russell wasn't anti-Semitic or anti-white, so they didn't know what Sal was talking about.

Howard informed Sal that he wasn't the show's ambassador and couldn't be a very bright guy to make all these stupid statements. Fred claimed that Sal was an “idiot savant,” and Artie agreed, saying that Sal's job could be done by an eighth grader. Sal argued that he was only catering his bits to the show's brand of humor, so Artie acknowledged that stand-up was different than “phony phone calls.”

Howard announced the first “World's Strongest Naked Woman” contest, and brought in three Penthouse Pets to compete. Howard asked Charlie Lane for her measurements, and Charlie reported that she's 5'3” and 108 lbs. Charlie claimed she lived with the Penthouse Pet of the Year, and told Howard about their frequent lesbo-orgy barbecue parties. Charlie added that she “shocked the puss” on the Internet, enjoyed being tied up, and loved going down on girls.

Charlie told Howard that she'd done a chloroform video, but like all chloroform fetish videos, it was fake. Howard was disappointed to hear that the videos were fake but still asked Charlie to fake being chloroformed for him. Howard then spoke with Renee Diaz, the Penthouse Pet of the Month in November 2005, and asked her why she chose to make porn videos. Renee claimed that “someone has to do it,” adding that she only does hardcore with her boyfriend.

Renee reported that she brought girls home to have threesomes with her boyfriend, which excited Artie, who offered her $30,000 to sleep with him. Renee replied that she'd agree to Artie's offer if he could finish in five minutes. Howard asked Renee if she really like being choked during sex, and she admitted she did, adding that she loved being slapped and spanked. Artie asked if Renee liked being c--k-slapped, so Renee told the crew how her boyfriend liked to wake her up by c--k-slapping her.

Andie Valentino, the only teen contestant at 19, told the crew that Charlie molested her in their hotel room last night. Artie took one look at Andie's ass, and said he had to leave the room, because he felt his erection was inappropriate. Artie claimed Andie had “the nicest body [he'd] ever seen on a girl.” Charlie and Andie then showed the guys how they “canoodled” last night, which led Artie to announce (once again) that Andie was “the hottest chick we've ever had up here.” Howard asked the girls to tell him sexy stories, so Renee told a story about having nature sex.

Howard started the competition with the pull-up portion; Charlie managed two pull-ups, Renee did four, and Andie won with six. Artie suggested they add a “Blowing Artie” component to the competition, but Howard began the push-up competition instead. Charlie busted out 14 push-ups, Renee matched Charlie's number, and Andie won with a whopping 25.

JD then came in for the final portion of the competition, arm-wrestling. JD readily beat Charlie, and immediately collected his “naked hug” reward. After some struggle and one disqualification, JD also beat Renee. JD then beat Andie, who strangely remarked that JD was “f’ing strong.” Howard told Andie that she'd won $1000, and asked her to take a celebratory Sybian ride. Artie offered Andie $150,000 to sleep with him, but she chose the Sybian instead.

Andie rode the Sybian and loudly orgasmed, saying she was “so horny” afteward. Renee then took a ride, and was helped by the other girls smacking her tits. She eventually had to jump off because she was “starting to sweat.” Howard asked Robin if she liked having her breasts slapped, but Robin replied that it had never occurred to her. Charlie then jumped on the Sybian, demanded that the girls pull her hair, and came almost immediately.

Robin asked Howard if he liked to pull a girl's hair during sex, and Howard said he was so gentle during sex, girls usually fall asleep. Artie said his horniness just turned into anger a minute ago, so the girls laughed that he must have blue balls. Howard thanked the girls for coming in and granted each of them a hug. Gange then gave Andie her $1000 prize and her sash, which Artie compared to a poncho because it was so large on her tiny frame.

Howard suggested that the staff try to see how many pull-ups they could do. Artie tried first and surprised no one by failing. Gange was able to do one pull-up, but Jason couldn't. Benjy also tried unsuccessfully, so Will pulled his pants down. Howard brought in the rest of the staff to see how many they could do. Gary and JD only did one, but Howard managed twelve! Fred did 9 with a wide grip and 5 with the traditional pull-up grip. Jon Hein and Scott DePace came in and each did three. Howard reported that he had a hard-on for his own strength now.

Andrea, Miss Howard Stern, called in to say that she was devastated because HowardTV called off her reality show. Howard told Andrea that he was really worried about her after her last appearance. Andrea replied that she was so upset, she couldn't eat, so Howard suggested that she stop drinking and doing drugs instead. Howard informed Andrea that HowardTV was postponing the reality show for budgetary reasons, so she should take the time to “clean up” while they work it out. Charlie, Miss Black Howard Stern, called up to say she was worried about Andrea too. Andrea thanked Charlie and suggested that they do the reality show together.

John the Stutterer came in to discuss his recent depression, and Howard noted that John hadn't been laid since he was last on the show. John said he was attracted to Lisa G and frequently masturbated to her image. Howard asked what John wanted to do to Lisa, and John very graphically described what he would like to do, adding that he'd like to do the same to Robin. Lisa G came in to ask when John's obsession started, and John replied, “When I first saw you.”

Lisa claimed she wouldn't date John because he was so depressed and could never love him as he was now. Howard told Lisa that if she loved John, he might get some confidence back. Lisa said it never works that way, and Robin agreed. Lisa asked why John wouldn't try to cure his stuttering, and John answered that he was being rejected by women because of the way he looked, not his stutter.

Howard asked Lisa if she would rather have sex with JD or John, and Lisa said JD because of John's “stuttering and shaking.” Robin chose John over JD, because she wasn't as creeped out by John. Artie reported that when he and JD go to Vegas, JD will be greeted at the airport by a “hot chick” who was “a Vegas 8, which is like a Cincinnati 11.” Artie told JD that he'd even hook him up with another chick, but only after he “finished” with the first.

John complained that he didn't get to go, so Artie told his assistant, Teddy, to buy another ticket. Artie then revealed that Ralph had called earlier and said “Hey Artie, I'm thinking about coming to Vegas with you, give me a call.” Ralph replied that he didn't want to go now that John was going. Artie said the key to getting John laid would be finding a girl who's addicted, noting that the three of them in Vegas would be the new “Rat Pack,” although he thought “Sad Pack” was a better title.

Lisa said John repulses her so much because he reminds her of her cat, Lucky, who has epileptic seizures, but agreed to go out with him if he got a device in his ear that stopped his stuttering. John said he would never cure his stuttering, because his sanity relies on the “ambiguous” reasons why women reject him; if he didn't stutter, he'd know it was his looks.

Shuli came in to complain about Artie calling the Killers of Comedy “The Hack Pack” on the RawDog comedy channel. Shuli claimed Artie didn't have to trash them on air, but Artie explained that if he did it off-air, it would be worse. Artie said he was just joking, noting that he always booked the Killers to open up for his comedy shows. Sal and Shuli continued to whine about Artie's comment, so Artie began to shut down.

Artie explained that he was going to host the centerpiece of the New York Comedy Festival, but he will no longer book Shuli, Sal, or Levy to play the show. Artie said they all only made money because they were on the show, so they should just acknowledge that no matter what they call each other, they'll still make money. Artie then claimed Shuli's “Shalom, Biatch!” catchphrase was douche-y, so Shuli shot back that Artie's stand-up material was ancient.

Artie gave out his phone number, 201-xxx-xxxx, to see if he would get any strange calls. Howard joked that Benjy was excited to finally have Artie's number, but Artie said he was only disappointed that the Rev. Bob Levy finally had the number now. Ralph called up to say that you don't even get a busy signal when you call the number; it already just goes dead, as if all the incoming calls blew up the line.

• Hugh Panero has resigned as the CEO of XM Satellite Radio.

• Two young boys might have to register as sex offenders after they slapped girls' behinds at school.

• Lindsay Lohan is now in a “serious” treatment facility.

• Rob Schneider filled in for/as Lindsay Lohan after she canceled her appearance on the Tonight Show.

• David Stern, the NBA commisioner, has said the referee controversy is the worst crisis he's had to deal with since starting the job.

• Michael Vick's lawyer has called the allegations facing Vick “despicable.”

• Florida is beginning to suffer the consequences of global warming.

• OK! Magazine will publish unbecoming photos from their shoot with Britney Spears.

• Johnny Knoxville hired a plane to fly a banner of Luke Wilson's phone number over Malibu (which prompted Artie to give his phone number out on the air).

• The Weekly World News has closed for business.