THE HOTTEST WITH THE SMALLEST
The Howard Stern Show for December 12, 2007

Artie started off the show revealing that George Takei has been trying to contact him, and when Artie finally called him back, George confided that his computer was “boiling over” with positive emails about Artie's “coming out” prank. As penance for the prank, George asked Artie to film a public service announcement in which he promises to donate $100 every time he's caught using the word “fag.” Artie confessed that he felt so bad about the prank, he agreed. From 1/1/08 on, if anyone can prove he used the word, he'll pay the fine.

Howard played a few clips that Sal recorded of tourists commenting on a made up story about Jewish people's demonstrating to have the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree taken down. Howard loved the clips so much, he played them twice. Howard then played several of the show's Christmas song parodies and remarked that he might have enough for a one-hour holiday special.

Howard recounted the details of Bubba the Love Sponge's terrestrial deal, which stipulates that he broadcasts with a 10 second delay and has to have all his bits pre-approved. Howard said he wished Bubba didn't have to do the terrestrial show in addition to his Howard101 show, but Sirius couldn't offer Bubba enough money. Howard explained that the Sirius executives were hesitant because the merger still hasn't been approved.

Howard told the crew about the lengthy (and un-funny) approval process for the Sirius commercials he recorded to broadcast on terrestrial radio during NFL games. Gary brought in the commercials, including the first drafts that got rejected and the heavily edited/bleeped final versions. Scott the Engineer came in to say he had to edit each commercial five times before “they” would even turn them down.

After noting that Evil David Letterman was visiting this morning, Howard welcomed the first “Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts” contestant, Amanda, to the studio and told Gary to put on his beekeeper's mask. Gary objected, saying all the masks make it hard for him to breathe, but Howard insisted. Amanda promptly stripped down, and everyone thought her body was “perfect” except for her lack of breasts. Amanda then told the crew that she had a girlfriend, but she wasn't a lesbian; she's bi.

Howard noted that the next contestant, Peachez, has been posting suggestive, non-nude pictures of herself online since was 14-years-old and eventually posed nude at 19. Peachez stripped and showed the crew her ass, and Artie was so impressed, he began asking her how much she'd charge him for oral. Howard asked Peachez if she wanted to kiss Amanda, so the two began making out with each other. Peachez then told the crew about blowing her boyfriend on their flight to New York...and filming it.

Howard welcomed the next contestant, Nicki, to the studio, and she told Howard that she's put herself through school by working as a dominatrix. Gary asked if Nicki's ever crapped on a client, but she said no – she can't crap on command. Nicki then revealed that she was “pansexual,” stripped down, and showed everyone her tattoos. Howard asked Nicki what she meant by “pansexual,” so she explained that she's even been with all sexes, even female-to-male and male-to-female transgender individuals.

Nicki demonstrated her permissive nature by making out with the other girls and spanking and kissing Peachez's ass. Nicki also confessed that she had a boyfriend, adding that they have an open relationship - as long as everything's pre-approved. Ashley, the next contestant, then came in and said she wasn't as wild as the other girls, in fact, the first time she was ever nude on camera was for this contest's submission photos.

Rachelle, the final contestant, came in and told the crew that she has sex with her friend Christy whenever they're not dating someone else. Howard asked Rachelle to strip down, and the crew was blown away by her “rock hard” body. Rachelle also told the crew about her bisexuality and having sex in a car and in a dressing room at Macy's. Howard remarked that the staff had a hard decision ahead of them.

Gary, Robin, and Howard voted for Rachelle, but Artie, Fred, Benjy, and Evil Dave for registered their votes for Amanda, so Howard awarded the title of “Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts” to Amanda and presented her with a check for $5000. Frustrated by the lack of full frontal nudity, Sal then came in with $20 for the first girl to take of her panties, and Rachelle, happy to oblige, quickly stripped off the offending undergarments.

Following in the footsteps of Butch Patrick and William Shatner, Howard got Lee Majors on the phone to promote Tahiti Village, and Lee said he admired Howard for taking a risk with satellite radio. Howard asked Lee why he was promoting a Las Vegas vacation package, so Lee confessed that he'd made a lot of money in television but not enough. Lee also told the crew about meeting Farrah Fawcett, leading Howard to admonish Lee for leaving Farrah in the care of his friend Ryan O'Neil while he was away on location.

Gary noted that Lee had Farrah's “Charlie's Angels” contract amended to allow her to be home every night at 6pm so she could make him dinner, but Lee clarified that he just didn't want the show's producers to take advantage of the hours Farrah was willing to put in. Howard wondered if Lee still talked to Farrah, and he revealed that he's been visiting her as she battles cancer.

Howard noted that Artie fell asleep momentarily during the “Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts” contest, so Artie explained that he didn't go to sleep until 11pm last night. Howard thought even if Artie wasn't getting quite enough sleep, it was still “kinda gay” that he'd fall asleep during a contest featuring 5 naked chicks. As HowardTV played back the clip on the studio monitors, Howard laughed that Artie even fell asleep with a cigarette in his mouth.

Eric the Midget called up to say that the show was boring today, so Howard sat back and asked Eric to entertain him. Eric balked and promised to revise his script, but Howard repeated his request that Eric star in the film, telling him that he had the opportunity to represent the handicapped community. Ralph then called up to suggest that Eric play an evil villain, complete with a killer high-tech wheelchair.

Howard and Artie suggested that Eric write a shower scene into the script, but Eric refused. Artie asked if Eric had ever taken a shower, so Eric explained that he takes baths. Howard wondered if Eric could write a scene in which he goes swimming or takes a bath like Eddie Murphy in “Coming to America,” but Eric insisted that he was opposed to any water scenes. Frustrated, Howard told Eric to get to work and hung up.

Howard asked Nicki and Ashley, two of the “Hottest Chick, Smallest Breasts” contestants, back into the studio to ride the Sybian. Nicki said she didn't want to ride, but promised to “play” with Ashley during her ride in hopes that she'd turn her into a lesbian. Both of the girls then stripped down and Ashley jumped on Sybian. Nicki licked Ashley's nipples during the ride, and Ashley eventually came so quietly, no one knew it had happened until afterward.

Rachelle came back in to ride the Sybian as well, jumping at the chance to have Nicki “play” with her during her ride. Rachelle then rode the Sybian to orgasm, remarking afterward that she wanted one for herself. Howard then suggested that Nicki host a show about her wild sex life, but she said she was too busy with school, work, and her blog.

Steve Langford reported that Jon Hein was upset about the installation of a Hand Sanitizer dispenser over his desk – and the fact that Jason has been telling people to use the dispenser to just to annoy Jon. Jon came in to explain that it's awkward to work while people are squirting sanitizer on their hands right above his head. Howard then suggested that they install the dispenser over Jason's desk instead.

• Alex Trebek had a heart attack.

• Cher has a mystery stomach illness.

• Nicole Kidman is the most overpaid Hollywood star.

• Webster's Dictionary has named “w00t” as the word of the year.

• The cheapest Superbowl tickets are going for $3000 on StubHub.

• Drug offenders' sentences are being retroactively reduced.

• A supposed Gauguin sculpture has been exposed as a fake.

• A Plano woman has been accused of twice dropping her 22-month-old daughter from a balcony.

• Madonna has officially adopted one of the kids she's been caring for.

• Another Pee Wee Herman movie is in the works.

• A Brooklyn man was attacked by a group of anti-Semitic tools on the subway.

• “Juno” is coming to theaters.

• “The Kite Runner” has been made into a movie.