SCHTICKING TO HER MAN
The Howard Stern Show for January 31, 2008

Howard started off the show asking Artie if he’s talked to Dana since the Letterman disaster. But Artie claimed he hadn't; after getting home at 11:30 am yesterday, he immediately went to sleep and didn't wake up until just before leaving for this morning’s show. Also, when he checked his messages on the way in, Dana hadn't called. Robin then told Artie that he had a long road ahead of him if he wanted to make it up to her.

A caller asked Howard if Beth had ever dated a black man, but Howard knew she hadn't, explaining that when he met Beth, he had been dating a black woman, and the topic came up. Artie asked if Beth had an issue with Howard dating a black woman, so Howard replied that Beth could care less.

Howard told the crew that his mom called him yesterday after their on-air pinworm discussion, and she was upset because Howard's father had criticized the defensive position she took during the exchange. Howard said he comforted his mom, telling her she performed well under the circumstances. Howard eventually succeeded in calming his mother down, but he lamented the fact that he'll never be able to stop his parents from critiquing each other “all day long.”

Eric the Midget called in, so Howard played a few clips from the Internet show in which Eric comments on “American Idol.” The clips made Robin laugh so hard, she sounded exhausted afterward. Howard told Eric that the technical producers of the show were “an embarrassment,” and Robin asked if Eric was proud of it. True to form, Eric simply answered, “...Yes.” Artie then said he had to see Eric's house and asked if he could stop by the next time he was in the Bay Area. Eric said, “...I guess so.”

Will the Farter called in to say a friend of his fiancée’s heard him on the show the other day and told everyone about Will's porn “career.” Howard then asked Will if he was functionally retarded, as no one should expect to come on the show and not have their family hear about it. Will claimed his fiancée knew about it, but her family didn't – and now that they do, it's a problem. Howard quickly got bored and made Will fart songs into the phone.

Howard welcomed Robyn, a woman who claims to have a crush on both Benjy and Artie, to the studio and was blown away by how pretty she was. Robyn thanked Howard and told the crew she wasn't a “chubby chaser” - she's just attracted to the boys' personalities. Howard wondered if there was anything wrong with Robyn, so she admitted there might just be. Howard insisted there was some hidden catch, but Benjy said he was intrigued by both Robyn and her art (he researched her online).

Robyn said the very qualities that annoy Howard about Benjy, like his evasiveness, are the ones she's most attracted to, as she thinks it shows that he's thoughtful. Robyn added that she'd like to blow Artie as well, since she frequently thinks of him when she masturbates. Artie was surprised, saying this was the first time someone's ever said that. After Robyn showed the crew her “incredible” body, Benjy asked her out and she accepted.

Howard got Leroy “Nicky” Barnes on the phone from an undisclosed location, as Nicky's currently in the witness protection program. Howard asked Nicky if he knew Frank Lucas, the subject of “American Gangster,” so Nicky explained that he did – and Frank was a less powerful dealer than Nicky, despite what the movie depicts. Nicky then told the crew about “The Council,” a partnership between the seven top heroin dealers in New York.

Nicky explained that he was in witness protection because he ratted on members of The Council, but he had good reason; when he was first incarcerated, one of The Council members slept with his wife, which violated a sacred code they had sworn to uphold. Robin asked Nicky if he had ever killed anyone, but Nicky avoided the question. Howard noted that Henry Hill didn't like to talk about people he's killed either, which Nicky admitted was “a superstitious thing.”

Howard asked Nicky how he might kill someone if he had to, leading Nicky to explain that there's no statute of limitations on homicide. Instead, Nicky insisted on telling the crew about a murder that was already a matter of court record: a guy offed in a Harlem restaurant because he violated Council rules. Howard and Robin asked about Nicky's former riches, so Nicky recalled all the women, cash, clothes, and cars he used to enjoy.

Howard asked Nicky to estimate his net worth at his most successful point, and after some thought, Nicky said it was somewhere between 15 and 20 million dollars. Nicky noted that it wasn't his riches that attracted the attention of the authorities, it was a Time magazine interview he consented to out of vanity. Howard and Robin wondered if Nicky's co-workers knew he was in the witness protection program, but Nicky denied it, adding that he just keeps quiet and tries to enjoy his “straight” life.

Lisa Rinna called in to discuss her red carpet interview skills, so Howard decided to dispense some advice. Howard first tried to get to the bottom of Lisa's lips, asking her to swear that she's never had a lip “procedure.” Lisa tried to avoid the question, but her language gave away that she's most likely had some work done. Howard told her to “tone [her lips] down” and played some clips from Lisa's abrasive red carpet interviews at the SAG awards.

Howard instructed Lisa to slow (and turn the volume) down when she's talking and take the time to introduce each of the interviewees. Lisa suggested that Howard counsel her before her next gig, but Howard countered that it'd be better if he hosted with her, as he'd get things under control. Howard then comforted Lisa, noting that he frequently pleasured himself to her image, and told her she was hot – but needs to work on her interview game...and her lips.

Howard got Mike Walker of The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, and one false – and the crew has to guess which is the fake. Yucko the Clown also came in to play along, and Mike read this week's stories:

1. Nicolette Sheridan demanded to try on a display dress (stripping the mannequin), but didn't buy it, saying, “It's not really 'me.'”

2. Zac Efron was visited by four “nurses” in the hospital - who turned out to be fans in disguise.

3. Ivanka Trump sometimes flies coach.

4. Christina Applegate helped out an old friend who used to do extra work on “Married with Children.”

Howard and Artie both picked the Zac Efron story as “too ridiculous,” Fred and Robin thought the Nicolette Sheridan item was convoluted, and Yucko doubted that Christina Applegate could help anyone. Mike then announced that Fred and Robin were right, making Robin the victor for the second week in a row.

Yucko the Clown said he was upset with Artie because he continues to insist on making fun of his career, so Artie shot back that he couldn't resist: Yucko's girlfriend was his manager. Yucko insisted that his girlfriend wasn't his manager, leading Artie to note that she sure acts like it when she books Yucko's gigs. Defeated, Yucko then made fun of Artie's “fy-yah!”-filled act and “Jungle Jim” Florentine's relationship with Robin.

Ivy Supersonic called in to ask about Benjy's date, so Howard explained that Benjy was going to go out with Robyn sometime this weekend. Ivy told the crew that Benjy called her the other night at 4:00 am and asked her if she would come over to suck his cock. Ivy continued to rant, saying she was upset with Benjy – not only for speaking to her like she was a whore (Benjy countered that he says that to everyone he talks to on the phone at 4:00 am), but also because he wouldn't let her stay at his apartment after her upcoming surgery.

Steve Langford reported that the Web page Jim Florentine's talent agency uses to promote him now exploits his relationship with Robin, referring to the couple as “Quiver-tine.” Howard asked Robin what she thought, but Robin claimed not to know anything about it. Yucko remarked that he smelled something fishy, “and it's not Robin's ____” – but he and Artie agreed that Jim was probably not complicit in the faux pas.

Howard asked Robin if she would break up with Jim if he was behind it, and Robin said yes. Howard then played a clip of Robin flirting with HowardTV cameraman Gregg Karmel, last week, so Gregg came in to say he was open to dating Robin. Adding that, as a “huge Jim fan,” he was a little hesitant. Artie also had a proposal for Robin; accompanying him to Vegas this weekend. Robin then made a “hmm” sound to indicate she was weighing her options.

• Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert made out in a Manhattan nightclub on Tuesday.

• Farrah Fawcett has a tumor on her liver (second item).

• Alycia Lane is making a lot of news lately.

• The Giants just started practicing for the Superbowl.

• Boy-toy speed dating has hit New York.

• The voice of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright, donated $10 million to Scientology last year.

• A police officer has been arrested for pimping out a teenage girl.

• Jake Gyllenhaal is traumatized by Heath Ledger's death.

• Michael Vick's pit bulls are starring in a reality TV show.

• Giuliani has endorsed McCain.

• The Attorney General says waterboarding just “feels” like torture.

• The Mayor of Detroit had an affair.

• More “American Idol” auditions were aired this week.

• Online ticket sales for the “Hannah Montana” concert movie have set a record.

• Superbowl Sunday might be the most gluttonous day of the year.