MORGAN IN THE MORNING
The Howard Stern Show for March 24, 2008

Howard started off the show taking a call from a listener who asked for Artie's waist measurement, so Sal came in with a tape measure. Sal said he knew what to do; “I'm Italian.” Howard wondered why Sal had a tape measure, so Sal explained that they used it to measure Beetlejuice's penis. Sal then announced that Artie measured 55” - up from the 54” Dominic Barbara's tailor, Anthony, sized him for his Carnegie Hall suit last year.

Howard asked Artie if he jogged on the beach while he was in Miami over the weekend, but Artie confessed that he had not; “I replaced jogging on the beach with sleeping until 4pm.” Howard still detected a twinkle in Artie's eye, but Artie refused to say whether he got laid; “I got other issues going on.” A caller reported that they saw Artie leave with “an LA '9'” after his show, and Artie tried to explain the girl (“I think she's an LA 10.”) away as “just a friend.”

Howard noted that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach has been arrested under some pretty heinous charges: something about allegedly offering a ride to a young girl in Philadelphia that may or may not have been something more sinister. Howard played a clip of the news report about Kenneth's arrest, as it mentioned the show, and thanked god that Jay Leno's name was mentioned first. Robin said she always wondered when a wackpacker was going to do something really bad.

Howard presented the crew with a question: If someone put a gun to your head, would you rather be Gary the Retard or Eric the Midget? Robin said she'd be “Gary, because he's oblivious to his difficulties.” Artie quickly answered “Gary.” Fred said he'd rather be Eric, because the midget “at least had some intellect. Even Stephen Hawking can get a hot chick.” Howard claimed he was stumped; “Gary the Retard has no awareness of his afflictions. Eric the Midget is trapped in that body.” After some further thought, Howard went with Gary.

Lisa G reported that she attended Gary's induction ceremony at the Friars Club and, like a Jewish version of the wedding scene in the “Godfather,” every guy there was named Herb or Stewie. Gary came in to talk about the ceremony, noting that one of the Stewies, infamous insult comic Stewie Stone, roasted him a little and made jokes about his teeth – and Jackie Martling surprised everyone by showing up with a date.

“David Lee Roth” stopped by to promote the Van Halen tour – which is apparently no longer cancelled. “David” made a few jokes that didn't make sense, and Howard joked that even “Dave” doesn't understand what he's saying. A caller asked “Dave” what happened with his old show on KROCK, but “Dave” avoided the question with some more jokes; “Things might've been pretty bad there for a while, but at least I'm not the lead singer of Ratt.”

Robin asked “Dave” if he was really forgetting lyrics during recent performances, and “David” fessed up, adding, “At least I'm not holding the microphone upside-down like Sinatra.” “Dave” also told the crew about seeing Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony backstage at a recent gig in LA, and they hadn't aged well; “I wondered who let Artie Lange and High Pitch Erik backstage.” Howard then thanked Billy Mira for stopping by and amusing the crew with his impression of Dave.

Howard reported that Clara the bulldog has been returned to her rightful owner, Jessica. Adding that he was relieved as Beth had spent the whole weekend praying to St. Anthony for Clara's safe return. Jessica called in to thank Howard, Beth and Lisa G for their help, noting that it took less than 48 hours for word to reach the people who'd “found” Clara. Howard and Jessica then warned all dog owners against leaving their dogs unattended in public.

Tracy Morgan stopped by to promote his new film, “Superhero Movie,” which also features Pam Anderson, and again told the crew how he loves to make his woman gag with the “bulbous” head of his penis; “She can take it, man. She's a woman.” Artie then commented that Tracy could be Blackzilla. Interestingly, Tracy then began discussing how he recently reconnected with his mother after a long period of estrangement - but denied any correlation after Howard tried to connect the two subjects.

Tracy said he'd “been buying pussy since high school” up in Harlem, where you could play with a beautiful woman's “doo-doo berry” for $50. Tracy added that he loves a woman's “discharge”; “That's that juicy-uicy. I'm a grown man!” Tracy also claimed he never used rubbers, was too “old-school” for the pull-out method, had a 9” penis, and was going to kick his kids out of the house should their penises get bigger than his; “Then they're not my kids anymore. They're a threat.”

Howard asked Tracy who he was voting for, so Tracy said he couldn't wait for the president to be a real “Head N---a In Charge,” adding that Obama would find all the terrorists in short order if you told him that bin Laden had insulted his mother. Tracy then revealed that he recently divorced his wife of 21 years. Now he's married to the road, but did recently find the time to bang an A-list actress; “I came on the small of her back...You live once, goddamn it.”

Tracy told the crew that he wanted to keep making babies until he's well into his eighties, but the woman has to be right. Tracy added that he wanted to have a girl, as he already has 3 boys, but lately he's been too busy spending all his money on shoes and CDs. Tracy said he had over 10,000 pairs of sneakers; “I'm pimping hard.” Tracy then asked, “You know what I did during the [writer's guild] strike? F’!”

Howard showed Artie his planner, telling him to make note of March 5th. Artie laughed that the entry for March 5th reads “Jackie leaves the show, March 5th, 2001.” Howard said he was always sure to mark the date in each year's planner, as he loves to celebrate Jackie's absence by dancing a jig. Howard added that he liked Jackie as a person, but still felt the date needed to be commemorated...Artie, who also loves Jackie, agreed.

Gary told the crew that Scott DePace walked in on him while he was taking a dump this morning. Howard told Gary that a psychiatrist would say Gary wanted to be walked in on, adding that he'd never make such a mistake because he's afraid of people seeing his tiny penis. Scott came in to say he was deeply disturbed. The HowardTV then cut to Sal imitating Gary's squat, but when Sal turned around to show the camera his ass, everyone screamed in disgust at Sal's hanging hemorrhoid.

The Jacksons are poor.

81% of the population thinks adultery is a sin.

Roger Stone tipped off the government about Eliot Spitzer's kinks.

The offensive clips of Obama's former minister are slightly less offensive when placed in context.

“Horton Hears a Who” was number one at the box office again.