LOOK PAST THE SCARS
The Howard Stern Show for May 22, 2008

Howard started off the show telling Artie to jump on the Sybian, because Bruce Springsteen finally performed on “American Idol.” Howard played a clip of Bruce “performing” an acoustic performance of “Born To Run” on the Idol stage, but Artie caught the edit and laughed that he was almost fooled. As the clip played out, Artie said the idea nearly crushed him: “God it would hurt to see him do this.”

Howard noted that he missed part of last night's “American Idol” finale because Beth came home drunk and wanted to have sex. While he was on his favorite subject, Howard noted that Robin wants to throw Beth a bridal shower, but Beth wasn't open to the idea of her friends spending money on her. Howard laughed that Beth suggested that he foot the bill, as it would make her far more comfortable.

Eric the Midget called in to say he was glad David Cook won “American Idol,” so Howard played a few clips from Eric's Idol commentary show/webcast. Artie asked Eric if he ever laughed at anything, and Eric cited his favorite sitcoms: “Everybody Loves Chris” and “Two And A Half Men.” Howard remarked that Eric appeared to be wearing lipstick on his Idol show's webcast, so Artie asked, “Eric, did you blow a clown?”

Howard announced the start of the “Hottest Chick, Ugliest Scar” contest and welcomed the first contestant, Dannia, a “holistic healer.” Dannia said childhood cancer left with a scar that ran from her armpit to her belly button – and then opened her robe to show it off. Howard admired Dannia’s body and tried to focus on her other great features, but admitted “we're all just staring at [the scar].”

Megan, the next contestant, came in and Howard claimed she looked like a young Kathie Lee Gifford. Artie agreed, saying she was closer to a young Martha Stewart. Megan said she was born with her intestines outside her body, so she had to have them surgically reinserted. The surgery left her with a massive scar. Megan confessed she always warns guys about her scar before taking off her shirt, but they've never really seem to care about the scar when she’s taking all her clothes off. Megan then disrobed, and Howard was blown away: “That is some scar.”

Howard introduced Danielle, the next contestant, who told the crew that she got her 8” stomach scar following a mishap during a routine gall bladder surgery: “They accidentally pierced my heart. I died twice. They revived me.” Danielle disrobed, and Howard was conflicted: “She's very hot, but her scar isn't as bad [as the other contestants].” Danielle complained that the surgeons misplaced her belly button: “My stomach looks like an asshole.”

Howard welcomed the final contestant, Tiffany, to studio and noted that she's had 15 facial reconstructions after a horrific car accident. Tiffany claimed she was otherwise unaffected by the trauma: “This is just life. Everybody has scars.” Tiffany added that she was inspired by her crash to become a stunt driver – and then disrobed, remarking that she was in love with Howard (and disappointed that he was engaged). Howard thanked her and gloated that he was a great catch.

Howard turned to the judges, and Artie kicked things off by voting for Danielle. Robin and Gary voted for Tiffany. Fred voted for Megan: “She pretty [but] you look at that scar and it's gonna stop you.” Benjy also voted for Megan. Howard then registered the final, and deciding, vote: “Danielle to me is a raving beauty...few men could withstand her. When you look at me, I melt. That's how beautiful you are. Dannia...I would bang you. There's nothing on you that would slow me down. For me, Megan...you had hideous scars, [but] Tiffany, your body is a ten and the scars on your face [are bad enough to] give me pause. The winner is...Tiffany.”

World Extreme Cagefighting's Brian Stann came in to present Tiffany with the $5,000 prize, and Howard asked him about his two tours of Iraq. Brian said Artie and Gary shouldn't be concerned about their safety over there during their USO tour, as they'll be kept far from danger: “The casualty rate is so far down now.” Howard wondered how Brian was able to pleasure himself when he was over there, so Brian explained that he would make arrangements for private moments away from other marines: “That's the key.”

Brian told Howard about earning the Silver Star in Iraq and once knocking a fellow cagefighter out inside of 16 seconds, so Howard said he felt emasculated by the presence of a real man: “You are so much more of a man than I am. I'm going to go put on a little sundress, heels and a bra.” Brian then congratulated Tiffany on her prize and positive attitude, and Tiffany announced that she'd use the money for driving school.

Cyndi Lauper stopped by to promote her True Colors tour, and Howard immediately went on the attack: “Are you good in bed?” Cyndi would only say she was “very busy” and a “passionate woman.” Howard then wondered if Cyndi ever had sex with another woman, but Cyndi paused - for a long time. Howard eventually said, “So that's a yes,” and Cyndi buckled, admitting that she experimented when she was younger.

Howard told Cyndi that “True Colors” always makes him cry, so Cyndi said the song has been the inspiration for a lot of people, especially those in the gay community. Artie ignored the set-up. Howard asked Cyndi why she'd never picked up on the African-baby adoption “trend,” and Cyndi said it really wasn't that bad a trend – but Howard cut her off and told her to tell the story of her first lesbian experience.

Cyndi was shy about revealing much about her sex life, but she did admit that the first girl who she had sex with blew her mind: “I thought it was fascinating.” Cyndi then performed “All Through The Night,” Howard told Cyndi, “You still sing like an angel...I got goosebumps.” Cyndi demurred: “It could be the temperature in here, Howard. It's pretty cold.” Cyndi then told the crew she didn't drive “because of those ugly mergers.”

Howard got Mike Walker of The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, and one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. After Howard again praised Mike’s new book, “Get Real! The Sexy, Scary, Scandalous World of Reality TV,” Mike read this week's stories:

1. Jim Carrey is cruising the Miami gay world “in character” to research his latest role.

2. Mariah Carey's new wedding will feature a professionally choreographed first dance.

3. Gwyneth Paltrow is ignoring Madonna's calls because she doesn't want to endure another of the Material Girl's intense workouts.

4. Courtney Cox is eager to meet John Mayer, as she's very protective of his new girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston.

Howard and Artie guessed that the Gwyneth Paltrow story was false. Robin went with the ridiculous-sounding Jim Carrey item. Fred said the Mariah Carey story was just an excuse for Mike to show off his vocabulary. Mike then announced that Fred was right.

• Lou Pearlman is in jail.

• Denise Richards and Dina Lohan have their own reality TV shows.

• An Atlanta Braves fan is dead after falling over a handrail at the team's stadium.

• A hospital worker is being prosecuted for performing oral sex on a sleeping patient.

• 11 people suspected of being witches were burned alive in Kenya.

• Jim McGreevey is broke.

• People are avoiding high gas prices by staying home.

• The massive earthquake in China killed 51,000 people.

• The earthquake also endangered pandas.

• Ted Kennedy will leave behind a great legacy.

• Oil execs are defending their massive profits to Congress.

• David Cook won “American Idol.”