LONG LIVE THE (KIELBASA) QUEEN
The Howard Stern Show for July 23, 2008

Howard started the show taking a call from a guy named Pete who wanted less Artie, because he was irritated by his self-congratulating charity work stories. Artie said Pete was a dummy and an unemployed loser, and Howard joined in, asking Pete what he did for a living. Pete confirmed that he was unemployed and just sat around all day listening to the channels.

Another caller seconded Pete’s argument, saying Artie was talking more recently and being too serious. Artie replied, “I’ll go find funny Artie. He’s probably at the vending machine.” Artie added that a recent online poll proved that he was the fans’ favorite staffer, so his contributions to the show are appreciated by most people. Mariann from Brooklyn called in to say she shared the complaint as well, but Artie fought back with his new Mariann impression.

Later, Artie said he’d learned that Howard tells him things in a very specific, yet passive-aggressive way: “You take a call that kind of says [something] for you…You’d never say it to me directly.” Howard said Artie was exactly right, but today’s calls were not an example: “I would have no trouble coming to you…I will occasionally take a phone call that will give you reason to think about something…Artie is not 100% wrong.”

Wendy the Retard called in to say hi for the first time in a while. Howard recognized the “Nightmare in Elm Street” music in the background and asked her how many times she’d seen the movie. Wendy said, “This is about the 200th time.” Howard asked if Wendy’s “condition” kept her from realizing that the horror movies were not real, and Wendy answered with her trademark “Yes!” Wendy explained: “It’s something to do.”

Wendy said she also had “some comedy movies and some rated R movies” and liked to fantasize about killing people just like her hero, Freddy Krueger. Howard wondered if Wendy really thought she could enter people’s heads while they slept, and Wendy confirmed that she did – but usually just her mother’s head. Howard asked if Wendy ever watched porn, but she said her mom wouldn’t let her.

Wendy noted that she sometimes gets so scared by her favorite monster movies, she’s afraid to leave the house. Howard asked why Wendy did this to herself, and Wendy explained that she had nothing else to do. Howard then presented Wendy with a horror hero f-marry-kill scenario, and Wendy chose to marry Chuckie, kill Freddy and f Michael Myers.

Howard asked Benjy why his healthy diet hadn’t prevented him from becoming as fat as Artie. Benjy couldn’t explain it, but Fred could: “He gets the Costco sized vat[s] of salad.” Fred explained how Benjy eats bowl after bowl of salad, but Benjy claimed he’d recently turned over a new leaf: “For the first time in my life, I’m trying to eat only when I’m hungry.” Howard gave Fred an assignment: whenever Benjy eats something, notify everyone else.

Benjy confessed that he’s doing more than just portion control to lose weight – he’s also biking along the West Side Highway late at night. Howard didn’t understand how Benjy could go biking at 11pm and get enough sleep before he has to leave for work – and then told Benjy that if he stopped the shtick and got regular sleep, his appetite might return to normal.

A guy named Lenny called in to discuss his extensive Howard Stern memorabilia collection. Howard noted that Lenny donated $6,400 to LifeBeat in order to sit in on the Wrap-Up Show, and he’s also spent quite a bit on other Stern-related items, like the complete Channel 9 Show tapes and the $700 painting that intern Mike Coppola gave to Howard (which Howard promptly slashed and threw away: “I said to him, ‘This is a piece of shit. And your mother’s a horrible painter.’”).

Lenny listed other items in his collection: the complete “E! Interview” tapes, one of Howard’s old paychecks from WCCC, a Warner Brother’s “shadowbox” containing the drug paraphernalia that Howard used in “Private Parts,” a 18” figurine of Howard made out of tin foil, a letter that former program director Randy Baumgarten sent a fan who thought Robin was ruining the show, an original script of “The Adventures of Fartman,” and 7,000 shares of Sirius stock.

Artie noted that Lenny even had Howard’s high school yearbook, which horrified Howard: “I hated my high school…I’m invisible in the yearbook.” Lenny quietly said he paid $160 for it. Dominic Barbara then called in to say he had the ultimate piece of Stern memorabilia: the unwashed sheets from Howard’s first night with Beth (also the first time they had sex - at Dominic’s house on Shelter Island).

The gang wondered why Richard had a drinking problem given the fact that he has such loving parents, so Richard came in to defend himself. At first, Richard said he was a good-time drinker, but after a while, he confessed that he sometimes regrets he never went farther in music, like Metallica, and speculated that he just wasn’t talented enough. Howard told Richard that he was talented enough – he’d just played in bands that were too obscure – but if he kept drinking to excess, they’d have to have an off-air talk.

Howard and Robin discussed how their relationship was rough in the beginning – to the point that Howard became unhappy working with Robin. Robin admitted that she was acting out and projecting her depression, as she had yet to confront her troubled childhood. At times, she would become intensely depressed and just wander through Rockefeller Center. Robin said she even had to remove everything in her apartment that she could use to hurt herself.

Howard noted that before too long, he had to go to Robin and tell her that their tenuous relationship was making him unhappy, and Robin made an immediate change. Robin said she went to talk with someone about her problems, and the woman gave her “a tool” that helped her cope. Howard then regretted that he never used the conversation to establish a more intimate relationship with her.

Howard got John, one of his stalkers, on the line to discuss an incident in which John confronted Howard at a recent charity event. Howard told the crew: “I heard John donated wine [to the cause/event]…and you do that for yourself…I’m an observant guy and I can tell [he had] a problem…[but] I took a picture [with him] and I was happy to do it.” John complained that the picture he took with Howard “was brief…I would have appreciated a smile in the picture.”

Howard explained that he took time out of his schedule to talk with John, and he was donating his celebrity (and the press attention that comes with it) to the charity, so he had a lot of people and reporters to talk to. John admitted that he “got lost in the moment.” Howard said John was a little more than “lost”: “You were in a rage. You were too anxious. I’ll tell you how to be a friend of mine: you lay back.”

Denise the Kielbasa Queen returned to the studio for the first time in seven years to show the crew that she still had it. She was swallowing a 12” kielbasa inside of a minute: “I used to be able to talk when I had a hotdog in my throat.” Howard wondered how Denise learned the trick, so she explained that it was an accident: “I was working at a go-go bar…and I was [teasing guys by performing with a hotdog] at a bachelor party one time and the whole thing went down.”

Denise reported that she was in jail for five of the years since her last appearance on the show, as she was arrested for running a brothel out of her home: “My daughter told on me.” Denise explained that she would take hookers off the street, clean them up and sell them for ten times what they charged as streetwalkers: “I put a roof over their head. I fed them…the [local] police department were some of my best customers.”

Howard asked if Denise ever hooked herself, and Denise confessed that she had: she’d charge $1,000 thanks to her kielbasa-swallowing fame - and she’s never met a man she couldn’t swallow. But when she was in prison, Denise switched teams: “[A fellow prisoner] pushed me up against a wall and shoved her tongue down my throat.” Denise then fell in love with the “bull-dyker” who assaulted her: “And I’m a squirter. I messed up some bed sheets in there.”

Denise said she’s had a couple scat-fetishist clients: “I made him get down on his knees and go in the toilet and get it. Every time he came up there was one less piece…Some guys like a glass table. And they lay underneath the table.” Denise claimed they weren’t her craziest clients: “One guy comes over dressed as an Everlast heavyweight punching bag.”

Richard and Sal came in to try their hand at swallowing a kielbasa. Richard went first and nearly vomited: “I got about six inches!” Sal wasn’t so successful: “That’s like three inches.” Artie asked Denise how much it would cost if she were to come over and beat him up as he was shitting, and Denise quoted him: “About $500.” Artie jokingly confessed that the act was a real fantasy of his, so he might consider it. The rest of the crew was appropriately shocked.

Two dogs were rescued after it was discovered that they’d been trained to have sex with women.

Calling all Gamorrean Guards Comic-Con is this weekend.

A Foxwoods roulette worker is in trouble for making obscene comments about the casino’s customers.

Candy Spelling paid $47 million for a Century City condominium.

The new “At the Movies” hosts have been named.

Christian Bale is free on bail.

DMX has been arrested six times since May.

Nas is petitioning the Fox News Channel.

Polygamist Warren Jeffs has been indicted.

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is being revisited after 15 years.

Obama is meeting with West Bank leaders today.

McCain is still trying to engage Obama on the Iraq War.

President Bush says “Wall Street got drunk and now it has a hangover.”

Viagra helps depressed chicks.

Estelle Getty is dead.

LA has banned plastic bags.

Can you solve the Sleepover Slayings?