BUY YOURSELF A VIRGIN
The Howard Stern Show for September 9, 2008

Howard noted that the NY Daily News had picked up news of Dennis Hof's appearance on today's show, but they got the story all wrong: “I really want to tell Dennis to go home...I gotta get out of the Dennis Hof business.” Howard explained that he didn't want to be involved in the auction for the virginity of Dennis Hof's Bunny Ranch girls, he simply wanted to talk to them about how and why someone would do such a thing, and Dennis spun it like Howard was “kicking off” the auction.

Howard told Gary to cancel Dennis and the girls' appearance: “I'm only interviewing the girl...They've got it very different in the newspaper.” Gary came in to defend Dennis, saying he was just trying to get publicity for his appearance like anyone else would. After hearing that Dennis and the girls had already flown in and were on their way, Howard begrudgingly allowed Gary to keep the segment on the schedule.

High Pitch Eric then called in to say he now uses baby wipes after going to the bathroom just like Howard, so Howard asked what happened to the “Craptacular,” in which Eric was supposed to battle Joey Boots over their output's volume. Eric said it was canceled at the last moment. Tim Sabean came in to say that they were working on the “Craptacular” but some more important things came up and it got lost in the fray. Howard then played a clip from yesterday's Wrap-Up Show of Tim explaining his rowdy behavior at Will's wedding: “God cursed me with a personality.”

Howard also heard that Ronnie was on yesterday's Wrap-Up Show claiming that Howard never had his back. Ronnie came in to explain himself (“Even if I'm right, I'm wrong with you!”), but Howard had no patience for it: “I don't have your back? Get out of my studio! Get out!...You should be blowing me every day and sticking your tongue up my ass! I don't have his back? I gave him a life!”

Scott the Engineer came in to join the bash, and Ronnie became incensed: “You wanna start with me?” Gary noted that Ronnie also revealed yesterday that he was trying to phase out of driving Howard (his other drivers are taking over) because he thinks Howard gets too annoyed with him. Ronnie just did the thing (as Ralph and Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks have observed) where he repeats whatever you say about him: “Yeah, ok. I'm [whatever you just said].”

Dennis Hof stopped by with a girl named Natalee and her sister, Avia, to auction off Natalee's virginity. Howard immediately told him that he was irked by the Rush & Molloy article that claimed he was “kicking off” the auction, so Dennis replied that it was Judith Regan's idea to tip Rush & Molloy – and denied telling them that Howard was involved in the auction. .Howard then turned to Natalee and asked why she would auction her virginity, so she explained that she got the idea after reading a news story about a Peruvian girl who auctioned her virginity for $1.5 million

Natalee noted that he planned to use the money to pay for her (and her sister's) master degree(s) in Marriage & Family Studies, but she won't let just any guy win the auction: “He has to be a good guy.” Howard wondered how Natalee planned to prove her virginity, so Dennis claimed she was willing to submit to a physical examination and a lie detector test: “I think it's admirable that she's using the money for a master’s degree and not just weed and Budweiser.”

Howard asked if Natalee was scared that the auction winner might have a large penis, and she confessed that she was both scared and excited by the idea. Lisa G came in to question Natalee's virginity, as Natalee appeared to be too “sensual” and “sexual,” so Dennis asked Lisa how old she was when she lost her virginity. Lisa said she was under 20 years-old at the time: “It wasn't very romantic.” Lisa added that if she had the chance, she'd have auctioned her virginity off just like Natalee.

JD came in to say he wanted to make Natalee an offer, but needed to see the goods first. Natalee flat-out refused to get naked – though she did stand up and spin around – and Dennis speculated that she was too much of a “high-tech piece of machinery” for JD. Howard wondered if Artie would like to make an offer, but, surprisingly declined, stating that there was a certain woman who might have a problem with that: “If I were single...” The gang was surprised by the news that Artie was not single but Artie refused to provide further details.

Angus Young and Brian Johnson of AC/DC stopped by to promote their new album and, when asked about the previous guests, Brian remarked that “Every man who gets married pays for sex, man.” Howard wondered if the pair hangs out together when they're not on tour, but they said they live too far apart. Brian told the crew that he hangs out around his home in Sarasota most of the time and races vintage cars: “I don't like fishin' and I don't like golf.” Angus said he lives in Holland, London and New York.

Howard asked the guys how their deal with Wal-Mart came together, so Angus explained: “We're not snobs. Wal-Mart’s are everywhere, man.” Howard marveled at the deal – especially Wal-Mart agreeing to pre-purchase three million copies of the band's new album – and asked just how rich they were. Angus said they were rich enough for Brian's “beater” (vintage) race cars. Howard also wondered why Angus married his wife without a pre-nup, so he claimed that he only had “the boots on my feet” at the time.

Howard noted that Benjy discussed his bizarre schedule on yesterday's Wrap-Up Show. Apparently Benjy sleeps all day, “I would love to get to sleep at 1:30, but usually it's not till 4 or 5.” Howard asked how long Benjy sleeps for, so he explained that it was 8 or 9 hours: “I'll sleep for an hour before the show too.” As a result, Benjy won't come to daytime social gatherings, like Will's wedding and Robin's birthday party.

Richard and Sal came in to play Dick Pick, in which Richard strips down, straps a guitar pick to his penis and strums a guitar with it. Sal made the chords and held the guitar, and Richard held his dick and strummed. It was the gayest possible rendering of AC/DC's “Back In Black,” “Hell's Bells” and “You Shook Me All Night Long” - and it still kind of rocked. Howard thanked them, saying the pair should call their act “GayC/DC.”

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