TOM ARNOLD IS CLEANSED
The Howard Stern Show for October 1, 2008

Howard started off the show playing a few clips of Sal asking black people if they were voting for Obama, and attributed all of McCain’s political policies to Obama to see if they would still vote for him. All the interviewees readily agreed with Obama when Sal lied to them about his pro-life, anti-stem-cell research and pro-war policies. Howard said the clips were revealing, and Sal came in to say he thought the election had become less about ideas and, instead, some kind of race war.

Howard played a clip of Ronnie on the verge of crying during yesterday's Wrap-Up Show because he was upset by Howard’s discussion of his crazy bachelor party toast in therapy. Ronnie came in to apologize about his behavior: “I have a ton of anger in me...I see a bachelor party as almost like a roast. It's just a bunch of guys goofing around.” Howard asked Ronnie if he was crazy, and Ronnie claimed he was not: “I said Beth was a great girl.”

Tom Arnold stopped by to promote the second season of his reality TV show, “My Big Redneck Wedding,” and told the crew he'd been “cleansing” for the past two weeks: “It's way worse than getting off booze or cocaine.” Howard asked Tom about his divorce from Roseanne, so Tom claimed he never took a penny from her: “But she keeps saying I did. I might as well have it.” Tom then laughed that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger always joke about marrying successful women.

Howard wondered if Tom had had a nose job, and Tom confessed: “Just to get it fixed and have a little bit of Jew shaved off.” Tom said he recently met a 17-year-old mother while he was in the hospital and was inspired to have children. Unfortunately, Tom's sperm count was too low, so he's had acupuncture in his balls and paid for several expensive fertility treatments for his girlfriend. To offset the cost, he invested in a couple Canadian gold mines with a bunch of famous Canadian hockey players, but the mines never paid out. Howard joked that it seemed more likely that Tom and his partners were the gold mine for the people who got them to invest.

Tom said he lived in the same building as Britney Spears and once found her asleep in the hallway (“I tripped over her.”) because she was locked out of her apartment: “She waited for Kevin Federline to get home and come up the elevator and find her. It was very sad.” Tom added that he told Kevin to try to take better care of her: “A few years ago I was in the Kevin Federline position. The star was the wife.”

Howard played a clip from Monday's Chuck Zito Show of Chuck saying we should've just bombed the Middle East instead of invading Iraq. Chuck also said he didn't feel sorry for an ailing Ted Kennedy: “That guy should be in jail for murder.” In a third clip, Chuck claimed he was dating a 20-year-old Spanish chick: “I don't understand a word she's saying. When we're banging, she'll say, 'Que paso, papi,' and I'll say, 'Que paso, mami,' and that's it.”

Dice confessed that he didn't lose his virginity until he was 18 and never looked back: “If I kiss a chick, I'm like a mechanic. How a chick kisses you is how they act it bed.” Howard told Dice to try his method on Robin, but she refused. Howard then asked Dice how he felt about gay marriage, and Dice said he didn't care about it – and then went on a long rant about it not being real love: “I don't feel a pussy! I break in to a pussy! That's love!”

Andrew Dice Clay stopped by to promote his latest projects and immediately began complaining about the way Howard introduced him this morning. Howard replied that Dice’s hair looked better now it's dyed. Dice moved on quickly, noting that he had a new girlfriend: “If you can't call your chick a whore in bed...” Howard said he didn't believe Dice talked to women like that, but Dice became indignant: “When you get [Beth] in bed, you don't treat her like an animal?” Howard answered that he did not.

Howard asked Dice why he never slept with any of his famous co-stars, like Teri Hatcher, Lauren Holly or Shannon Tweed, so Dice claimed he just didn't pursue them. Howard said Dice actually had a pattern of not closing the deal, as he once backed out of buying a house because the seller owned African art (Dice thought they were voodoo dolls) and had the number 666 in his phone number. Dice admitted the story was true: “I believe in bad vibes...I'm superstitious.”

Eric the Midget called in and promised to stop selling the photo of he and Artie (but only after 2500 are sold, with a portion of the profits going to the North Shore Animal League) if the show promised never to produce an Eric the Midget Real Doll. Artie laughed: “No. I don't give a f’ about the animals.” High Pitch Erik then called in to say he wanted to be the first to bang the Eric the Midget Real Doll and Howard gave him the ok.

Howard noted that Jared Fox wanted to punch Steve “The Intern” Brandano in the face after his comments yesterday. Steve came in to say he hadn't talked to Jared, but he had heard Jared called him “the dumbest guy in the world.” Steve added that getting punched by Jared would actually be a favor, as Jared would lose his job.

Some guy set a fire in a Japanese porn theater.

Hef's girlfriends are on the loose.

It's snowing on Mars.

Springsteen and Billy Joel are performing together for the first time for Obama.

Some woman in a cow outfit went on a drunken rampage.

Heather Locklear is tipsy.

Ricky Williams is staying off pot.

If McCain becomes a two-term president, there's a one in four chance that he'll die and Sarah Palin will become president.

The Katie Couric-Sarah Palin interview is a going very well...for democrats.

A swimmer punched a shark to save his dog.

Janet Jackson is exhausted.

Kim Kardashian got kicked off “Dancing with the Stars.”

“Blindness” opens this weekend.