A WING AND A PRAYER
The Howard Stern Show for February 11, 2009

Howard started off the show noting that Artie wouldn't be in: "It's a sick day for Artie." Robin was irritated, referencing the way Artie's absence seems to take over the conversation: "And it's a sick day for us." Jason came in to say Artie called his cellphone, which isn't wired for recording: "I was actually really worried about him...he said it wasn't anything drug related."

Before hanging up, Artie scared Jason: "He said, 'I'm not gonna hurt myself if that's what you're thinking.'" Robin thought Artie was lying about his illness: "He's said here that he's never been sick." Benjy had a different take: "Based on what he's said, he's most likely withdrawing from drugs than doing drugs."

Gary came in with yet another theory, this time based on the [off-air] issue Artie has said was plaguing his personal life. Howard dismissed all the theories in favor of proof: "I would know Artie was really sick if he missed [his upcoming poker gameshow with Norm MacDonald and Sam Simon in] Vegas. Missing this show seems to be ok."

Howard said he shaved his balls yesterday and was stressed after finding some ball hairs that were longer than his penis: "And in the middle of shaving my balls down..I ran out of juice (for his shaver) in the middle of my balls. I look like a sick dog." Howard also lamented finding a gray hair on the shaft of penis, saying he plucked it before Beth could see it: "I don't want her reminded that she's married to some 55-year-old..."

Eric the Midget called in to promote his "American Idol" commentary show, but Howard complained that the show wasn't worth listening to: "Yeah, we'll play a lot more of that." JD even came in to challenge Eric to pick a moment from last night’s show that was worthy of pulling a clip of to play this morning. Howard instead asked Eric about the time his roommate caught him masturbating, and Eric clammed up, claiming not to remember if he was clothed or not at the time of the incident.

Lisa G came in with the headlines and noted that the crew discussing her bathroom habits on the air had psyched her out and made her poo-shy: "You've messed me up again." Howard told Lisa she looked good today and asked what she'd done differently, but Lisa couldn't figure out what it was, speculating that it might be her new make-up: "It's like a chemistry set."

Lisa G also reported that High Pitch Mike went out to some gay nightclubs over the weekend - staying out one night until 6am the next morning. Lisa said Mike had the most fun at one of the "younger" clubs, but still has yet to be intimate with another man since coming out on-air.

Chris "Mad Dog" Russo stopped by to promote the launch of Mad Dog Radio on Sirius channel 123 - and said he was disappointed by Artie's Rolling Stone profile (and his absence this morning): "Howard's giving you a chance every day for four or five hours! Come in and have fun!" Howard asked how he should reach out to Artie, but Chris didn't know if it were possible: "It's almost like he thinks he's John Belushi."

Chris took issue with Howard for even thinking about retiring in 2011: "You're gonna be here for a long time! Please!" Chris also commented on the solidity of Sirius, saying the company has continued to build his new channel and arranged his trips so he could broadcast live from MLB Spring Training: "I don't get the impression that we're about to fall apart."

Chris reported that his office was across the hall from Tim Sabean's, so he's been witness (thanks to Sirius’ glass walled offices) to the source of Tim's recent weight gain: "He's eating muffins here, egg sandwiches there."

Gary reported that Chris' old station was losing ratings without him, but Chris refused to comment: "Why are you so wrapped up in that?" Howard laughed that if Chris didn't want to talk ratings, he'd talk about his former co-host. Chris said he last talked to Mike in November "like long lost friends," but when he ran into him at the Super Bowl, "That was awkward because we were both at the same event to cover [it]. We were both looking for the same guests...so it's a tricky situation." Chris laughed that he, of course, got the guests and exclusives - even Mike's good friend Bill Parcells.

Howard reported "I was walking to the printer and Mel stopped me. I panicked because last time I called him Mr. Mooves in the elevator."

The very powerful Bob Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots, stopped by for a quick hello and Howard asked him if he'd ever used his power to have anyone killed. Bob laughed: "We never talk about those things. Whatever we do we try to do it stylistically." Howard also wondered what Bob planned to do if Tom Brady didn't perform next year, but Bob stayed loyal: "He's our guy." Bob added that he thought entities like Sirius and the NFL become more important in times of economic crisis: "People are looking for something they can trust and be comfortable with."

Howard welcomed Emma Sophina, a survivor of the Flight 1549 crash, to the studio to discuss what it was like to be in a plane that's going down. Emma told the crew that was in the States on vacation and had zoned out during the pre-flight safety instructions only to hear a pop and smell smoke about 90 seconds after taking off: "And then we felt the plane dropping and the engines dying."

Howard asked Emma if any guys came up to her and asked if she'd like to go out with a bang, but she denied it: "We had, like, five minutes so I doubt there was time." Howard wondered if Emma made any life decisions or bargains with God when the plane was going down, so Emma explained that she just stayed calm and made her peace: "I was surprised by how quiet it was on the plane."

Emma said the impact felt like they'd hit a building - the worst part of the water landing was afterward: "You know what's a real bugger to get on? Your lifejacket." Ralph called in to take issue with Robin for questioning the heroism of Cpt. Sullenberger, the flight's pilot, so Robin repeated that Cpt. Sullenberger had no choice: "He was doing his job." Emma said, "For me, personally, he's a hero."

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