GARY'S STENT REMOVAL
Gary started off the show telling everyone about his stent-removal procedure: "I'm gonna be really up front right now. I'm an f’ing pussy. I am traumatized." Gary laughed that he struggled to find his penis before the procedure because it had retracted so far back into his body, and when he finally pulled it out, the doctor applied a numbing gel: "But I guess they insert it into the hole - and this is supposed to be the easy part." The numbing gel helped with the camera's insertion: "It's not painful, but it's such an odd feeling for something to be going in."
Gary said he had to turn away when the doctor pulled out the 12" long stent: "I felt like I'd been raped...I went to pee and that f’ing hurts. There's, like, burning." Later, at home, Gary started to feel a pain his stomach that his pills couldn't control: "After all the shit I went through, I had the pain of a kidney stone." Gary called his doctor only to learn he might still have a stone fragment - but he eventually passed it a little after midnight: "I got up to pee and the pain slowly went away."
BEETLEJUICE TO THE RESCUE
Howard got Natalie Dillon on the phone to discuss the very-public auction she held to sell her virginity. Natalie told Howard that the Australian winner bid $3.8 million but backed out, leaving her with only the $250,000 deposit. Howard wondered why Natalie didn't go down the list to the next highest bidder, so Natalie explained she'd formed a bond with the winner. Natalie also cited the next highest bid at "a little over $1 million."
Howard asked how far Natalie had gone with her boyfriend, so she confessed to oral and anal sex - but claimed her vaginal virginity was still intact. Ronnie the Limo Driver then came in to say he was suspicious: "Who cares about this s--t?" Howard agreed: "Her story sounds fishy." Irish John then called in to propose an excellent solution: "How much do we have to pay to make this chick go away? Can we raise money to have Beetlejuice bang her?"
HOWARD'S MASTURBATION SHAME CONTINUED
"There's a lot of shame in it...I know when I'm sitting and masturbating I gotta go put disgusting porn on and watch people [do it] and I'm laying in the bed...and I'm the father of three daughters."
ROBIN'S HAD SEX WITHIN THE LAST MONTH
Lisa G came in with the headlines and reported that Robin's wrist surgery required a titanium plate and ten screws, leading Howard to wonder if Robin was the next Wolverine. Robin shrugged, admitting she might set off airport metal detectors now - and thanked her "new lifestyle" for helping her with the stress of the ordeal. Howard speculated that Robin owed her good mood to a sexual affair, but Robin held up her hand and swore "to the Lord Jesus Christ" that she wasn't sleeping with anyone. Later, however, she did confess that she has had sex in the last month.
JILLIAN BARBARIE, REALITY TV STAR
Jillian Barbarie stopped by to promote her new TV show, “House Husbands of Hollywood,” and Howard told her he should've banged her when he was single: "Big mistake. I should've definitely given it to you hard." Howard also said he's seen Jillian's new show, and was shocked by her behavior: "Your marriage is horrible...[but] you're very interesting on TV." Jillian claimed the show misrepresented her marriage, as she's actually very subservient at home.
Howard noted that in one scene, Jillian's husband Grant freaked out when she wanted to serve champagne to some dinner guests. Jillian explained: "I think that he's got issues. He's a little uptight. Absolutely." Howard said he liked Grant, but he thought it was a huge issue that she was earning the money and he wasn't. Jillian replied with a confession: "We're in therapy. We're working through some stuff right now."
