CARLOS, COOTER, SHAMRON, NECTAR & THE KARATE KID
The Howard Stern Show for July 19, 2005

Howard opened with a little tribute to Billy Mira and the great job he did yesterday convincing many of you that David Lee Roth had indeed taken over the show 5 months early. Howard said his parents even called because they were upset he hadn't clued them in beforehand. Howard was happiest though with the fact that the hoax had made the news and all the papers. He was not happy with the heat in New York yesterday though. He said he went to run outdoors and thought he was having a stroke, although it did help him loose some of the weight he packed on over the break. Last night Howard and Beth attended a party for the opening of the new Nobu Midtown, right in the lobby of KROCK's building. Robin didn't realize the construction that had been going on for the last 2 years downstairs was for a Nobu. Howard said Richie Notar has done an incredible job on the place and had reportedly spent $15 million in the process. He said he went with Ross Zapin and his new wife Melissa, or Ruthie -- as she is now known in her newly converted Jewish name. Howard said they went to her conversion ceremony recently and thought it was beautifully done -- although he did not think it was something he was ever going to do himself.

Howard said he recently spoke to Cabbie about his impending incarceration. They talked about how Lil' Kim had her one year sentence reduced to the same amount of time as Martha Stewart got for insider trading. Cabbie wished he could be a black woman so he could get his sentence reduced too. Robin and Artie goofed on Cabbie a little, until Cabbie came into the studio. He said he was never offered any kind of deal, even though the felony charge was reduced to a misdemeanor during the process. He also said he still doesn't know when he has to go to jail, although he believes it might be around July 29th. He said whenever he goes, they will probably give him about two days notice before hand so he can get his affairs in order. Cabbie then talked a little about his future after jail. He said he does not currently have a contract with Infinity so he's not sure what he'll have waiting for him when he gets out. Howard asked about the new tattoo Cabbie got on his neck and said he was just about covered with them now. Cabbie corrected him though by saying he did not have one on his "schween." Howard told a story about a guy he knew who had gotten a tattoo on his penis and then died of a heroin overdose a few days later. Not to be out done, Cabbie told the story of a guy he knew who had a picture of a piece of cheese tattooed on his taint, (just in case you don't know what a taint is, click here). Cabbie said he would come in again next week to say goodbye and in the mean time, he's starting a Website called FreeCabbie.com, (although he wasn't too clear about what it's all about).

Howard mentioned that the actor who played "Cooter" in "The Dukes of Hazard" TV series, Ben Jones, has been in the news lately bad mouthing the new movie version of the series. Howard said the only reason the TV show was successful was because of Daisy Duke's (Catherine Bach's) short short cut off jeans. Robin argued that she watched it to see the Duke Brothers take of their shirts, which they usually did 2-3 times an episode. Howard played a little clip from an interview with Ben Jones who said that the original show is still a hit on Country Music Television and he felt the script for the movie he saw was way too dirty for the innocent TV show. This led the guys to goof on him a little, especially noting that Daisy Duke usually had some "camel toe" showing at some point during the show. Richard Christy came in to say that where he's from in Kansas, the word "Cooter" was used to identify a woman's private parts. Artie laughed, recalling another character from the show, "Enos", saying in his best southern drawl, "Hey, there's Enos (Artie pronounced it anus) and Cooter!"

Howard came back from commercials announcing that Artie would be leaving early today for his movie. However, Artie corrected him saying he would only be leaving early on Friday this week, (he still wasn't sure about next week). Artie said he was not looking forward to doing the scene he had to do today in the 100 degree heat and humidity. Howard thought it would be funny to see him all sweaty in the movie though. Howard then mentioned Katie Holmes on the cover of W magazine (among others), saying it was proof that she had made a great career move hooking up with Tom Cruise. Robin noted that there has been a rash of celebrities supporting Cruise's rants recently, although they were all Scientologists themselves, i.e. John Travolta and Kelly Preston (Mrs. Travolta). Howard then brought up a recent story about Jude Law. Apparently, Jude, who is recently divorced and known to be seeing super-hot actress, Sienna Miller, was busted sleeping with his kids' nanny by one of his own kids. His kid then went and told his ex-wife. Everything would have been OK for Jude had his ex not gone and fired the nanny right away. After being fired, the nanny then went to the tabloids and told them how she had lost her job. However, what really impressed the guys in the studio was the way Jude handled Sienna, who obviously freaked out when she heard he had been sleeping with the nanny. Jude reportedly turned things around on Miller, telling her that the only reason he had slept with the nanny was because she was always away working.

Another caller asked Artie if the rumor that he was working with Ralph "The Karate Kid" Macchio was true. Artie said it was true and added that Ralph was really a great guy. Howard wondered what working on Artie's movie meant about Ralph's career. Artie said Ralph was a big fan of the show and had asked to be in the movie. He said Ralph's part was originally going to be played by Nick Turturro, but he had a conflict. He said Ralph has turned out to be a great fit for the movie. Artie explained how the other day he had been watching CNN and caught a piece of the scroll at the bottom of the screen that led him to believe that Ralph's "Karate Kid" co-star, Pat Morita, had died. After telling Ralph this, Artie discovered that it was not Pat who had died, but another actor who had been in "The Karate Kid". Howard recalled how a similar thing had happened to him after September 11th. He had been with "Simpson's" co-creator Sam Simon, who had told him that actor Danny Devito had died in one of the planes that day. Howard said he went around telling people all day that Danny had died, until Sam called to tell him hours later that it wasn't true. Artie said he was fortunate to have discovered his mistake early enough to just barely stop a distraught Macchio from calling Pat's wife to console her. Artie said he's been trying to find out why Ralph wanted to be in his little movie and Ralph keeps telling him its because he loves acting and thinks "Beer League" will be a good movie. Artie said Ralph was probably waiting for him on the baseball field in New Jersey, (the field has become their home away from home recently). Artie said Jim Breuer and Jim Florentine were in the movie as well. Gary said he had heard that Richard and Sal were in it too and Howard laughed at the idea of their names appearing in the credits: "Starring: Artie Lange, Ralph Macchio and Sal the Stockbroker".

Howard said there were 2 girls in the Green Room who had been sent there by a movie studio to promote "The Bad News Bears" remake. He said the studios do this all the time -- "Hey lets send a couple of girls to the Stern Show!" -- and he hates it. However, that said, Howard brought the two girls in for a couple minutes anyway. Their names were Shamron and Nectar and they play strippers in the movie. Howard wondered how far off the roles were from their real lives. They both said they weren't strippers, rather, "model/actresses". Howard asked what they had done to make them believe they were "model/actresses" and Nectar said she had been in a few films and Shamron said that although this was her first acting job, she had been in a couple of magazines. Shamron admitted her biggest job was for the Italian edition of Playboy, but she had also done ads for a bunch of consumer products as well. The girls wanted to know why Howard wasn't at the premier last night. Howard responded that he really liked the original with Walter Matthau and didn't want to ruin that memory, plus he wasn't in the movie. Howard asked the girls a lot of questions and along the way, Shamron revealed she once had sex in the Grotto at the Playboy mansion in front of a couple of well known celebrities. Artie gave her a hard time until he saw some of her Playboy pictures and took it all back. Howard took many calls during this segment and all the callers wanted the girls off the air, to the point that they girls started to get pissed off. Shamron got so mad she stormed out of the studio, while her friend Nectar laughed. She did come back though, and very shortly afterwards took her top off. Gary tried to get Nectar to follow suit, but to no avail. Richard Christy came in to tell Shamron that her Playboy Cybergirl of the Month spread was part of his collection and wanted to know if it bothered her that he had often pleasured himself to her pictures. Surprisingly, Shamron seemed to enjoy it! On the way out Shamron pulled down her pants to show the guys her ass and Howard said it was, "some ass!"

Gary ran into the studio announcing that he had a very hot piece of tape which Howard would want to play right away. A few weeks ago, Howard attended the premier of Tom Cruise's new film, "War of the Worlds" and ran into Pat O'Brien interviewing people on the red carpet. Howard had said as soon as he saw Pat, he made a bee-line straight for him and started making all these outrageous comments to him about that voicemail. We were initially skeptical, but Gary said the tape he had -- which was an actual taped recording of their conversation -- proved that everything Howard had said was true. Howard played the tape and you could hear Howard tell Pat that he didn't want Pat to, "steal Beth to go off with Betsy." He kept telling Pat he was the man and that he wanted to "get crazy with him" as Pat kept telling Howard how he was 100 days sober. You could also hear Beth telling Howard to stop every once in a while. It was all very funny and Pat should seriously consider a real interview with Howard if really wants to tell his story. Hearing Pat mention that he's been sober for 100 days prompted Artie to reveal that he has now been sober for 36 days. He said he has learned that he can control his drinking and believes he will eventually get back to some very limited drinking someday.

Howard welcomed comedian Carlos Mencia into the studio to sit in on the news this morning. Carlos has a new show called "Mind of Mencia" on Comedy Central which Robin said she had heard was very funny. Carlos said he was supposed to be on after "Chappelle's Show" but when Dave took his little hiatus, his show got moved to follow "South Park". He said it was still great though and his show had the third highest rated debut in Comedy Channel history. Howard read in his notes that Carlos was one of 18 kids and his parents "gave" him to his aunt and uncle, keeping all the rest, including the youngest that came right after him. He said he got even though, by becoming the most successful of them all. Carlos said he spends much more time with the mother that raised him (his aunt), than his birth mother. Despite loving his birth mother, it still kind of bothers her that he spends so much time with his aunt. Howard said he had heard Carlos had a feud with George Lopez, who seems to have accused him of stealing jokes. Carlos said he learned a long time ago from the legendary Sam Kinison, not to worry about being accused of stealing jokes if you aren't. Howard gave Carlos another plug for his TV show as well as for his new DVD, "Not for the Easily Offended".

Carlos had lots of good stories to tell from his days in the comedy trenches. He recalled the time he got into a fight with George Lopez and George started choking Carlos, until Carlos told him to stop before he "went ghetto on him." He also told how his mother burnt him with the electric cord off an iron once. Howard seemed a little shocked by this and Carlos said he was selling coke at the time. Howard and Carlos compared stories growing up in bad neighborhoods and Carlos said there was a lot of discrimination amongst the Hispanics he grew up with. As a Honduran, Carlos was pretty low on the totem pole, saying the Mexicans in his neighborhood called him the wetter wet-back. Carlos told a scary story about being heckled by Snoop Dogg and his crew in a club one night. Having grown up in a tough neighborhood, Carlos didn't take their heckling lying down and gave as good as he got. He gave so good, things started to get heated, until Shaq stood up in the back and told everyone to cool down. Carlos said he heard later on that he was very close to actually being shot that night -- right there in the club -- and he owes his life to Shaq. Carlos said he has been married twice and has been with his current woman for 10 years, having met her when she was 19. He also said she is very hot and credits himself for making her that way. One thing he did not take credit for was her oral sex technique. Carlos recalled how the first time he received oral from her, he was so amazed, he immediately asked her for the names of all the guys she had done it for so he could thank the one who taught her so well. He said she freaked out when he really wrote the letter. Carlos told a pretty funny story about going to a strip club with some of his brothers once and seeing a stripper who had downs syndrome. He knew there was something up when they called all the names of the strippers and hers was the only normal name in the group. He said in the middle of her routine she seemed to forget what she was doing and started all over again. Carlos said he gives money to all of his family and his brother Joseph is really the only one that acknowledges the fact that the money he gives them is not a loan. However, he said he will always help Joseph out when he can because when Carlos was starting out and had no money, Joseph was the one who helped him the most.