JUMP THE PERV
The Howard Stern Show for July 28, 2005

Howard opened this morning announcing that Artie was out today on a previously scheduled day off and that the Reverend Bob Levy would be sitting in for him. Howard made sure to emphasize this really was a day Artie had planned to take off to do his movie and had nothing to do with yesterday's meltdown. Speaking of yesterday's meltdown, Howard spent a little time talking about Artie this morning. He said he thought Artie had a gamblers mentality, meaning he loves the action and teetering on the edge of disaster. Artie has a great job with the show and has had tremendous success with his DVD, but the show is safe and a little boring. He believes Artie feels he could either be a billionaire or back working on the docks. Howard said very rarely does a show hit it really big like, "Everybody Loves Raymond". It's kind of like the lottery -- millions play, but only a few win. Howard said that was why he had Bob in today, because he was a loser who could talk about losing. This is a guy who's divorced from his wife, but lives in the basement of their house. Howard said Artie needs to learn to balance the dull and safe with the exciting. Howard did it when he was making "Private Parts" and Robin is doing it now with her TV show. They schedule those things around the radio show so they can do both.

Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to request an old bit featuring Steve Rossi on Dial-a-Date and Mayor David Dinkins debating with Rudy Giuliani. This reminded Howard that there’s a link on the home page of this Website that lets listeners submit their "Best Of" requests. Gary came in to say he gets all those requests and was surprised at how 2 bits in particular seem to stand out above the rest. The first was Artie's snorting coke in a pig costume story and the other, much to his chagrin, was his love tapes. He said he'd be incorporating a lot of those requests into the up coming "Best Of" shows this summer. For good measure, Howard had Fred play a few new Baba Booey songs that Kidd Chris had sent him. Howard said he had gotten them in an email from Kidd who told him he was bored so he decided to write a few Booey songs. One was a Neil Diamond song and the other was a DMX one that Howard really liked. Gary suggested they make a contest out of this. He said one of the sales people at KROCK told him that Richard Christy's "Baker Street" Booey song was his favorite. Howard said he liked that one too because Richard really belts it out without a lot of ham, but thought Richard was probably naked when he recorded it. Bob pointed out that Richard was really creepy.

Howard said he got a note from Cabbie last night which was very nice. Cabbie will come by tomorrow to say goodbye on the air. Howard hoped that Cabbie would be able to do his time in peace, without getting in trouble and get out soon for good behavior. Levy thought prison would probably be like a gay nightclub for Cabbie. Cabbie told Howard he really wanted to write a book while he was in jail, but Howard wasn't sure if he'd get to it. King of all Blacks called in to comment that he knew Artie had quit drinking for Howard so maybe Artie now resented him for that. Howard corrected King though, stating he never made Artie do anything. He said he told Artie this yesterday when they were talking about the shrink. All he did was give Artie the number of someone to call, it was up to Artie to call or not, he didn't care. In fact, Howard gave Artie the name of someone his therapist recommended (who also happened to be named Artie), but Artie decided to see someone in New Jersey. King wondered what other forces were at work with Artie as well. He said the same thing happened to Jackie; he wanted more and more and now look at him...he's opening for Bob Levy. King said he always had the impression that Howard did radio for the love of doing radio rather than the money. Howard said that was true and that he never dreamed he'd make more than $12,000 a year. King also thanked Howard because he got a ton of free food and drinks last night, just because he calls into the show. He said the people at the place he was at knew who he was and wouldn't let him pay for a thing. Howard said the opposite was true for him, when people find out it's him, they charge double. He said he wanted to do some work to 2 small rooms in his apartment and the contractor wanted to charge him $700,000 to do it.

Eric the Midget/Actor called in this morning to ask a question. He wanted to know if Howard was doing anything with MTV's Video Music Awards this year. Howard said there were no plans for this year and Robin wanted to know what Eric was really asking. Eric finally agreed that he really wanted to be Howard's reporter on the red carpet at the VMAs. Howard thought people would definitely talk to him since he was in a wheelchair, but questioned Eric's ability to stick to the script they gave him. Howard knew they could come up with 100s of questions for Eric, but doubted he would be able to read many of them. Howard was afraid he'd end up with 50 interviews of people being asked about their upcoming tours. Howard thought he'd give Eric a test at taking direction by getting him to call in during the next segment with alien "expert" Riley Martin, but Eric would have to pretend he was an alien. Gary asked Eric if thought he could really ask Jessica Simpson if she pleasures herself. Eric kept saying he didn't think she'd tell him and then wondered if Nick Lachey would be there too. He finally decided, yes, he could ask her that. Eric kept dodging the answers that way, always wondering what the person would say rather than if he'd actually ask the questions. That is, until Howard asked if he'd ask Kelly Clarkson if she checked the toilet paper after wiping herself. To that, Eric gave a quick no. However, he did offer to ask her if it were true she never wore panties. Howard liked that, but thought he'd really like to know if she did bukkake, but Eric declined to ask that one too. Eric told Howard he sent Will a list of all the shows he wanted Howard to try to get him on, like he did with "American Dreams". Howard thought maybe "Fear Factor", but Robin pointed out that show was canceled. Levy said, incredulously, "So that's how that's done?"

Alien expert and former alien abductee, Riley Martin called in today because Howard wanted to talk to him about getting a show on SIRIUS. Howard said he was a little confused though because Martin recently left a message saying he didn't want Howard to give him a job -- Howard even played it for him. He then played Riley the prank call Sal and Richard had put together using his voice calling a guy named Howard, who couldn't understand anything Riley was saying. Riley said he's been hanging out in New Jersey doing shows for other radio stations and for the Discovery Channel. Howard was surprised people would put up with alien talk, but Riley said that 60% of Americans believe we are not alone in the universe. Riley wants to do a show on SIRIUS where he can tell the truth about Aliens. In his mind, they aren't to be feared, but rather respected. He said movies like "War of the Worlds" teach the wrong lesson and he hoped to correct that with his show. While Riley talked about how aliens think Earth is on it's last leg, Howard quietly asked Robin if she could listen to this. Robin said she might for half an hour or so and Levy suggested they mix in some music so people could get high while they listened and zone out. Fred even put some space music on to test it out. Howard asked what he would say if a listener asked where he could get some good skunk weed or where to get laid. Riley said that was easy, he'd send them to Howard and Robin. Howard asked Riley what he thought of Scientology and Tom Cruise being a Thetan IV. Riley said that aliens have been co-mingling with humans for 1000s of years. Howard said he was starting to zone out and was thinking of changing channels to the gay channel. Riley said he was first abducted at age 7. Bob wondered if they lured him on to the ship with a lollipop. Riley said the aliens did not molest him as some might think. All Howard wanted to know though was if he could give diet advice. Howard let Riley plug his Website, TheComingOfTan.com before letting him go.

Howard mentioned this coming weekend was Ross Zapin's Las Vegas bachelor party. Gary was going, but Howard was not. Howard still can't understand why Ross, who is over 40, is having such an elaborate black tie wedding. He said its costing him and a lot others a fortune. Gary tallied up what he thinks he'll be spending on the weekend and thought it would be about $2000-3000. He said the guy who is organizing all the dinners and entertainment had told everyone to bring about $1000 cash to cover all the group things they were doing. Gary said he and one other guy were the only ones with kids and all the rest were fairly wealthy single guys who wouldn't think twice about the money. Gary did say he had figured out a way to pay for it by doing an appearance at the Spearmint Rhino Gentleman's club Saturday night to offset some of the costs, (if you're going to be in Vegas, be sure to go see Baba Booey Saturday night). Howard said he had gotten a letter from one of Ross' cousins who was pissed off because she had not been invited to the wedding and a bunch of non-family members had been. Howard thought she had a point and asked Gary to see about getting her on the show.

Howard brought Becca Brat from the world famous Bunny Ranch into the studio to play Stump the Perv against Richard Christy. In today's contest, Becca is playing for $5000, courtesy of BOSPoker.net, while Richard was hoping for a win "5 minutes in paradise" alone with Becca in Howard's private bathroom. Before getting to the game, Howard spent a few minutes talking to Becca. Right off the bat, Becca wanted to make sure everyone knew that prostitutes prefer to be called "working girls" not "whores." Robin thought "whore" to Becca was the equivalent of "midget" to Eric the Midget. Becca explained how she ended up working at the Bunny Ranch at 18 after dancing at a club in Louisiana since she was 16, (she had a fake ID). She said she would go to school during the day and then dance at night. Bob thought that was hot. Becca said her last job was just this past weekend when she made $50,000 spending the entire weekend with a couple. She said they were in their late 20's and this was their fantasy. She said she had sex with both of them several times over the weekend, but they also went out and did non-sexual stuff too. Richard Christy came in carrying a baseball bat, which Howard made him get rid of before he even came close to Becca. Richard said he was just trying to find out what Becca was up for. Levy said Richard looked like a deranged cheese doodle. Gary said they needed Becca back on when they get to SIRIUS so she could tell them about some of the wild things she's done. Gary said he didn't think he could even begin to describe it on the air at KROCK and said it was something called scat. Fred played a few fart sounds to help people visualize what Gary was talking about. Before they got to the game, Gary had Becca tell a story he had primed her with. Becca said she was out at a restaurant with NY Daily News Gossip columnists, Rush & Molloy, who told her that Howard cleans his dogs rear-end. Howard laughed and said it was funny how things get taken out of context and blown out of proportion. He explained that Bianca, being an English Bulldog, has something called a tail socket, which has to be kept clean with special wipes, or it gets irritated and she scratches it all day. He does NOT wipe her ass for her though.

Before getting to the game, Howard read one more interesting thing in his notes about Becca. He asked if she was really raised by a preacher -- which she said was true. Plus, she had gone to Jimmy Swaggert High School. Robin thought everyone did a rotten job raising her, which Howard thought was the point. Richard went into the isolation chamber and Becca had 90 seconds to answer as many questions correctly, then it was Richard's turn. Here are the questions (and answers):

1. This porn star originally from the Czech republic, stared in 'Three into Jenna' and a Madonna video. - Dasha
2. What star of 'Face Invaders' and 'Dyke Diners' was Penthouse Pet in December 1995? - Nikki Tyler
3. This wicked contract girl was the star of ''Asian Girls' and 'Nut and Honey' has been married to porn star Evan Stone since 2002. - Jessica Drake
4. What former Hawaiian Tropic model and star of 'Loaded' reportedly dated Tommy Lee in 2004? - Jesse Jayne
5. This former ballerina made her porn debut in 'Rocco Meets an American Angel in Paris.' - Savanna Samson
6. What former junior high school Spanish teacher starred in 'The Butt Detective' and the main stream comedy 'Orgasmo.' - Julie Ashton
7. This former Penthouse Pet and star of 'Dyke Inc' and 'Captain Morgan' had a son with Seymour Butts in 1996. - Taylor Hayes

Richard only managed to get 3 right in the full 90 seconds, but Becca did even worse, scoring a big 0. You could practically hear the grin on Richard's face over the radio when he realized where he'd be spending the next 5 minutes. Becca said she really hoped Richard would come out to the Bunny Ranch to collect his prize, but was more than willing to go into the bathroom with him. They went in while Howard tried to get the microphone in there to work. When the audio finally came on, Richard was talking about everyone listening, which seemed to bother him more than it did her. He hammed it up for the radio, telling Becca to call him Cousin Brucie and moan loudly. They both laughed a lot and Becca cursed a few times, earning a few hits of the dump button. When they came out, Richard said he needed to wipe something up, but when Howard complained, Richard admitted that it was just baby oil. Bob said that's what he calls his too. Richard said they actually kept the bathroom pretty clean, but Howard said he was going to have it burned anyway. Before she left, Richard wanted to know if guys ever paid her to take their virginity. She said it happened a lot and wanted to know if Richard was a virgin. Richard said he wasn't, but admitted to thinking about hiring a hooker to take his virginity when he was younger. He said he never had to resort to that though. Bob commented that it was a good thing all those farm animals were around then.

Ralph called in to complain that the 5 minutes Richard spent with Becca in the bathroom seemed like the longest 5 minutes ever. Ralph didn't think anything really happened, but Howard told him something did happen; only they couldn't talk about it until they got to the free air of SIRIUS. Ralph said he finally hooked up his SIRIUS radio and was loving it. He said he discovered a great feature on the receiver that lets you tell it what your favorite songs are, and then it alerts you when ever those songs are played, no matter what channel they are being played on. Gary said Scott DePace had done that for Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone". Bob thought if that was the case, maybe a big penis should come out of the wall and hit you on the head instead. Ralph said he was so amazed by the quality of the sound and all the different types of music it made him really happy he had invested in the company. Ralph said, based on his observations, regular radio was in big trouble now. He said there are so many great channels, he's already run out of presets. Yesterday, Howard had wanted to play one of the voicemails Ralph left him, but no one could figure out how. Today, however, Gary had it all worked out. Ralph's voicemail basically said he just hooked up SIRIUS, he loves it and thinks he's going to get rich off the investment. The only problem with his voicemail was, when he hung up, he must have hit the speaker phone button because for the next few minutes you could hear the music Ralph was listening to. "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" was playing and Bob asked if they were hearing the gay channel. With all this music talk, Vinnie Favale called in and asked Fred to play a song he thought was going to take the world by storm, "I Predict A Riot" by The Kaiser Chiefs. Vinnie claimed it was a cross between The Clash and The Jam, which prompted Howard to say he hated it already. Bob said it sounded like music to kill Batman to and Howard forbade Vinnie from calling in with music requests ever again.

Howard wanted to know why Richard wasn't able to "finish" with Becca. Richard claimed he never has any problems when he's by himself, but he said in this instance he wasn't really able to focus. He said he also thinks women like it when a guy can last longer. Howard thought if he and Sal went in there, Richard could finish in seconds. Richard took a little too long to answer that, prompting Sal to say "Lets go faggot." But Richard said he was just fooling around and was not gay at all. Sal wasn't so sure though and said a drunk Richard once told him that he wished he was gay. Howard thought Richard might change his tune for Will Murray, bringing Gary in to explain how that almost happened once. He said Richard once brought a girl back to Will's apartment and took her into Will's bed, while Will was in the bed. Richard said it still took him almost 2 hours to finish with that chick too. Howard asked if Richard ever came on to Will and Will thought there might be love in Richard's eyes. Richard laughed and said he did give Will a thumbs up that night though. Howard wondered where his thumb went up. Gary said the gayest thing he's seen them do was when they were trying on outfits once, they got into a circumcised vs. uncircumcised discussion, because Richard hadn't realized Sal was uncut. Or as he put it, Sal was like a sandworm. Richard did defend some of the gay things he and Sal had done on the show though, saying they were all done for comedy!