NEW & IMPROVED (AGAIN)
The Howard Stern Show for April 19, 2007

Howard began today questioning the legitimacy of Sanjaya being voted off “American Idol” last night, citing a disclaimer that runs in the credits – in tiny print, of course – essentially giving producers of the show the right to eliminate votes for whatever reason they want. Howard then demanded that Steve Langford of the Howard 100 News look into the matter, while Robin commented Sanjaya’s departure meant she now had no interest in watching the show at all.

After a caller declared Howard and his fans “winners” because of just how far Sanjaya did get in the competition, Artie said he saw video on the news of Simon Cowell’s eye roll at one of this week’s contestant’s remarks about Virginia Tech. However, Robin responded that Simon’s latest explanation about the incident was that he rolled his eyes over the way the contestant talked about his singing style, and insisted he didn’t even hear what he said about the massacre.

Howard played a clip of Gary Garver interviewing Billy Crystal, who claimed he had “no problem” with Howard and that he’d consider being on the show if he was asked to appear before walking away. Upon hearing the tape, Robin recalled Billy got upset with Howard in the 1990s over jokes he’d made about Billy’s movie at the time, “Mr. Saturday Night,” and that he’d never forgotten about it. Howard went on to say he thought Billy was one of the funniest stand-ups of all time, and that he even attended the performance where Billy recorded his final comedy album.

Following some calls about Sanjaya – including one from a man who felt Sanjaya was removed from the show in a shady manner because “American Idol” producers knew his ejection wouldn’t get much coverage given the events at Virginia Tech – Robin asked where the phrase “Indian giver” originated, which led to a discussion about what it meant and why it was used. Howard then reported that JD had sent him a video of Soupy Sales at an autograph session, and that he felt sorry for him given how frail he looked. Howard proceeded to say he was “in a really sad place lately,” and added he thought Robin was in the same way, which caused her to laugh and ask why he felt that way. Howard replied that he believed Robin’s recent involvement in racecar driving suggested she didn’t care about her safety given how dangerous the sport was, but she again insisted she had “a great time” racing. Artie then acknowledged he was siding with Robin on the topic, explaining he thought Robin enjoyed life more than anyone else from the show.

Artie asked Howard if he was down because he was in “the last quarter” of his career, but Howard told him that wasn’t the case and admitted he simply got in this kind of mood once in a while. Howard then launched into an impromptu song, complete with piano accompaniment Fred played from a CD, about Robin and her driving.

Eric the Midget called in to claim he “played” Howard this past week and that he hadn’t actually voted for Sanjaya as he’d said he was. Howard responded, though, that he didn’t believe Eric’s story, and Robin said she didn’t either. However, to prove he was telling the truth, Eric said “five people” knew he didn’t actually vote for Sanjaya, and, after Howard referred to him as “a liar,” Eric added he was “an actor, not a liar.” Howard proceeded to take calls from listeners who argued with Eric about whether or not he really voted for Sanjaya.

Howard mentioned there wasn’t going to be a film festival this year, and Artie noted he couldn’t believe the inaugural film festival was a year ago already. Artie then noted that there were only three-and-a-half years left on Howard’s SIRIUS contract, and thought he must be looking forward to sleeping in some mornings in the future. After Robin commented that she didn’t think Howard would “enjoy” his retirement, Howard admitted that, no matter how he felt about potentially get out of the business, he always ended up re-signing his contracts to continue his career.

Since Eric was still on the line, he said he wanted to remind Howard of something: if it weren’t for “American Idol,” he never would’ve called into the show, explaining his very first call was about Kelly Clarkson. Upon hearing that, though, Artie noted, “Eric, let me remind you of something: You’re a no-life-having boob.”

Howard played clips from yesterday’s “Wrap Up Show” of Richard and Sal complaining about not being invited to Gary’s upcoming dinner party. Gary then came into the studio to say he bought the dinner at an auction and it included a chef and a string quartet. He also explained that it was restricted to 16 people, which was why he could only invite certain people. Scott the Engineer proceeded to enter the studio to say he was used to not being included in social gatherings, while Gary noted Will and Jason were two other people who didn’t make his cut, mostly because he felt if he invited one, he’d have to ask the other. Howard went on to suggest that, despite how long Scott had been with the show, Gary would’ve invited JD to his get-together before he asked Scott, and Gary admitted that was probably true.

Ronnie the Limo Driver then came in to report Scott was particularly angry lately, except for this morning when he was “Mr. Chipper.” Ronnie then said he thought Scott was acting happy today because he wanted to prove how sociable he was, but added he felt it made Scott look like “an asshole.” When Ronnie also revealed he was invited to Gary’s party, Howard admitted he was “in shock” that he trumped Scott on Gary’s list. To make up for it, though, Ronnie told Scott that he could come to his block party this summer.

After Artie pointed out he didn’t want to “upset” Scott but that he’d heard Gary had also invited Bernard McGuirk, one of Don Imus’ former co-hosts, to the party, Gary announced KROCK’s general manager, Tom Chiusano, was coming, and Howard said he couldn’t wait to see him.

Howard read a story from a tabloid that stated a friend of Don Imus’ claimed he was suicidal over his firing, and Howard added he watched the recent appearance of Deidre, Imus’ wife, on “The View.” However, Howard said none of the hosts on the show asked Deidre about Imus, and that they instead focused only on her new cleaning book. This led Artie to say he wished Imus’ coworkers, Charles McCord and Bernard McGuirk, would’ve badmouthed him following his firing, but Robin thought they were so used to not being entertaining that they couldn’t do that. Howard then noted, though, that he knew for a fact that Bernard disliked Imus, recalling that Bernard used to call Gary all the time to try to get a job on the show, even when he was working for Imus.

Howard had Sal’s personal driver, Dennis, into the studio so he could explain why he thought Howard was channeling the inventor, Nikola Tesla. However, after Dennis gave some vague examples of his theory – like that Nikola and Howard both had connections to New York City – Howard called his theory “unbelievably ridiculous” and asked him if he was a professional driver, which he replied he wasn’t. Dennis then reported he made his living through art and trying to sell his “inventions,” and that Sal hired him to drive him to some of his comedy gigs because he liked his “20-year-old Mercedes.”

Dennis went on to admit most of his money came from his family, and added the “normal” jobs he’d had in the past included being a waiter and a limo driver. Sal proceeded to come into the studio to say Dennis was the only inventor he knew who’d “never invented anything,” while Dennis said he planned on finding the Olsen twins in the city this afternoon so he could help them with their careers.

Following Dennis’ explanation of why he also believed in Riley Martin’s stance on aliens, Sal pointed out Dennis was once told by a therapist that she couldn’t help him and demanded he leave her office.

These subjects were briefly discussed prior to a break:

• Howard brought up that Joan Rivers was let go from the TV Guide Network, where she covered red-carpet events, and was replaced by Lisa Rinna. Gary then came into the studio and asked Howard why he thought that happened, and he responded he felt Joan was getting too much money for her services given the network’s low budget.

• Howard played a clip of a sports talk show host comparing Howard to the baseball player, Vladimir Guerrero. The host explained he felt that, like the way Vladimir made the hitters in his lineup better, Howard also brought ratings to the disc jockeys who followed his show when he was on terrestrial radio.

• Howard announced Tabitha Stevens was stopping in, and Artie acknowledged he didn’t recognize her in the hall when he saw her earlier because of the latest plastic surgery she’d gotten. Benjy then said he noticed the surgery as well, but that he felt it made Tabitha look “more human” than before.

Howard took a call from a man named Blake who claimed he recently “had sex with a retard.” Blake reported the woman in question wasn’t very attractive, but thought that, “on the positive side,” he figured he was doing her a favor by having sex with her. However, Artie mentioned he thought the woman was probably having the same conversation with her friends about how she’d had sex with “a retarded guy” before recalling a story someone told in an AA meeting he once attended about having sex with a retarded woman and how he put her on a bus to get rid of her when he was done.

Given the topic, Howard played the latest edition of Ask the Retards, where a woman asked Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard for advice on how she could have sex with her boyfriend, who she claimed had a big penis. Instead of answering, though, Gary and Wendy ended up yelling at each other and calling each other names.

Howard admitted he was disturbed about Blake’s story and got the woman, Emily, on the line. Emily said she was 26 years old and graduated from high school. Howard then acknowledged he thought Emily sounded “normal,” and asked her what 18 + 22 was. However, Emily responded she had a learning disability and therefore couldn’t answer, and when Howard asked what weighed more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers, she insisted the answer was “a pound of bricks.” Emily did go on, though, to correctly identify “e” as the fifth letter of the alphabet, and to spell “red.”

As Tabitha Stevens sat down, Howard reported he’d been on her Website recently, and he wanted to know why there was no sex on it. Tabitha responded that she did things like exercise, go rock climbing and shoot guns on her site because she thought those were the things her fans wanted, especially because she’d gotten word they didn’t like to see her hardcore material. However, Howard assured Tabitha most of the people who went to her site were looking for nothing but sex scenes.

Howard mentioned Tabitha’s former fiancé, Nick Manning, was in the studio earlier this week, and played a clip of him during the interview talking about how “jealous” she was of his career in porn. Tabitha replied, though, that she supported Nick’s career but didn’t like the personal time he was spending with other women. Nick then got on the line and Tabitha told him that he knew the real problem she had with him concerned his “lies,” but Nick insisted that wasn’t true. When Nick insisted Tabitha used to yell at him for his porn work, she again denied it and added she didn’t appreciate how Nick used to smoke marijuana in front of her 5-year-old niece either.

Tabitha went on to refute Nick’s claim that he always lasted for at least two hours during sex, and that she even referred to him as “Two Minute Manning,” which he admitted was accurate when it came to being with her.

After Nick hung up, Tabitha insisted he “wasn’t a bad guy,” but wished he was more honest when they were together.

Tabitha reported she has never had sex with Artie although she would at least used her mouth on him if he’d ever wanted it, and invited him to join her on the couch. However, Artie said he was eating and, therefore, didn’t feel like moving, and Tabitha mentioned all she was going to do was “straddle him” and “walk him through” what she would’ve done to him if they’d been intimate. Howard then said he thought Artie’s refusal had nothing to do with Tabitha but with the fact that he was seeing someone else, a comment Artie didn’t address.

Gary came into the studio to ask Tabitha if she’d ever had sex with Cabbie, and she said she hadn’t. When Artie next asked if Tabitha had been with Rev. Bob Levy, she replied, “I have a good taste for Bob Levy,” adding she once used her mouth on him. When Gary went on to ask Tabitha where Bob “finished,” she acknowledged she “took one on the chin” when it came to Bob.

As Tabitha removed her pants, she announced she would perform orally on either Fred or Benjy if they ever asked her to do so, which led Howard to claim there was a time when he and Tabitha were at a club together and she didn’t pay any attention to him. Tabitha replied, though, that if there was ever a time that she didn’t approach Howard it was because she was so intimidated by him, and Howard informed her he wouldn’t have been with her no matter what, but that he would’ve appreciated the opportunity to turn her down.

Howard then got Eric the Midget on the line to ask why he refused to get a “hand job” from her last year, and he explained it was because she’d been with “too many guys” for his liking. After Tabitha told Eric that she would “wash her hands” if he wanted to be with her, Howard asked the two of them to have phone sex, but Eric refused to take part. Despite Eric’s refusal, Tabitha began talking dirty to him, but Howard announced Eric had hung up.

Before she left, Tabitha had Jason sit on the couch so she could show Howard what she would’ve done had Artie agreed to her request to sit next to her.
(While Jason was "indisposed" Howard TV's, Isaac Mark grabbed the camera to get these shots for your enjoyment)

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the contest’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which report is definitely the fake one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Paris Hilton wouldn’t let her drive his car because her license had been suspended.

(2) Jeremy Piven stormed out of a Starbucks after workers wouldn’t let him cut to the front of the line.

(3) Fergie claimed Quentin Tarantino “scared” her into acting in “Grindhouse” by biting her on the ass.

(4) Patrick Dempsey fell down steps before addressing some fans.

While Robin picked the Jeremy Piven as the imposter, Howard went with the Fergie story, and Fred chose the fourth report. Mike then revealed that Fred’s winning ways continued because he made up the story about Patrick Dempsey.

Following a new Crazy Alice voice message, Howard noticed that Artie had missed the Gossip Game segment and was still not in the studio. Gary then came into the studio to say he had “no idea,” although he assumed he was out of the building getting food. Artie then walked in and explained that, on his way to buying French toast, he got “light headed” on the escalator and “sat down” at the advice of a person who saw him. Artie went on to say the man told him he looked like he was “falling asleep” on the escalator, and encouraged the man to call into the show to report his “symptoms,” but he didn’t want to.

Howard then asked Artie what he’d eaten this morning prior to the French toast, and he said he’d consumed a buttered bagel, two bags of cookies and three Hawaiian Punches. Given this, Robin wanted to see how much Artie weighed, but he said he didn’t feel like getting on the “weigh machine.”

While Jon Hein was in the studio talking about today’s “Wrap Up Show,” he agreed to test Artie’s blood-sugar level, which he announced was 152. Jon then explained a normal blood-sugar level should be 100, but that his was close to 400 when he was diagnosed with diabetes years ago, so Artie didn’t seem to be in immediate danger of getting the disease.

• A whale beached itself in New York and then died.

• A predominately gay neighborhood in Philadelphia was given new street names yesterday.

• Chris Rock is looking into whether he’s the father of a 13-year-old boy.

• Lindsay Lohan said she felt “safe” in rehab.

• Lisa Rinna is taking over for Joan Rivers on the TV Guide Channel.

• The parents of the Virginia Tech shooter were concerned about their son as a child.

• Some people have questioned NBC for airing the footage the killer sent the network.

• A woman who killed her husband claimed he abused her during their marriage.

• The Supreme Court upheld the partial-birth abortions ban in a 5-4 vote.

• Sanjaya was voted off “American Idol” last night.

• Mark Buehrle threw a no-hitter for the Chicago White Sox yesterday against the Texas Rangers.

• Kitty Carlisle Hart died at the age of 96.

• Ed Koch has criticized Al Sharpton because of his past.

• A new movie, “Vacancy,” opens this weekend.

• Hillary Clinton has fallen behind Barack Obama in some popularity polls.