BOBBLING FOR DOLLARS
The Howard Stern Show for July 17, 2007

George Takei started off the show saying he was not having a good morning. Howard asked if Brad was pissed about the “Guess What's In My Pouch” bit he participated in yesterday and George admitted he was. George said Brad hasn't touched another penis in 20 years, and despite George's claim that the game wasn't sexual, Brad was very angry. George confessed that Brad was attracted to Richard Christy, so if there was going to be any “revenge cock-touching,” Richard might be able to help. Howard remarked that this was too bad, as he planned on getting George to play a game called “Asshole Fishing” later today.

George confessed that he ended up sleeping on the couch last night, but thought he might get back into the bed tonight, as “time heals all.” For Brad's sake, Howard explained George's involvement in yesterday's game, but George claimed that Brad wasn't listening today. George said Brad did read “The Rundown” on the Website, so Howard suggested George write an apology that could be included here. George took the opportunity to apologize verbally instead. George said he now knows what Howard goes through. Gay Ramon then called in to ask if George ever had rectal contractions, but George said he wouldn't answer until things with Brad blew over.

A caller asked if Sal's wife was upset by the game, and Artie remarked that he wanted a whole Sal update. Sal revealed that, over the break, he found a mystery number on his wife's cell phone. Thinking it was her “emotional friend,” he got an apartment in the city and retained the services of Dominic Barbara. When he questioned her, Sal's wife admitted she received two calls and returned them to see who the caller was, so Sal asked her to conference call the number to prove it.

Sal said Christine went through with the conference call, and the guy turned out to be a legitimate wrong number. Convinced, Sal has now moved back home, but he was able to use the opportunity to bring up other issues he's having with their relationship, like the lack of intimacy. Howard asked George what Brad liked best, and George said “the front.” Howard suggested that when George gets home, he should apologize, and then immediately give Brad a blowjob. Howard added that he couldn't believe anyone was jealous of Sal's “pouch.”

Infamous ex-mobster, Henry Hill called in and Howard remarked that Henry sounded drunk. Henry admitted that he'd been drinking Mickey's. Robin said she was surprised, because when Henry last called, he was trying to stay sober. Henry then drunkenly revealed that Jimmy Burke (Robert DeNiro’s character in “Goodfellas”) gave his new wife her ex-boyfriend's severed head on their wedding day. Henry then asked if Howard would fly him to New York, but when Howard said he'd have to check the budget, Henry called him a “cheap Jew bastard.”

Howard played a “Wrap-up Show” clip of Artie revealing that he used to send secret romantic messages to Dana over the air via pre-arranged phrases. Howard then played a clip of Artie confessing that Dr. Keith Ablow advised him to consider having a child outside of wedlock, because Dr. Ablow doesn't see Artie ever having a normal relationship. Artie confessed that he almost agreed with Dr. Ablow's advice.

A girl named Dixie Lee called in to say she wanted Howard to guide her porn career. Howard asked Dixie about the gang rape fantasy she had told Will about, and Dixie claimed she wanted to be taken by force by more than one guy. Dixie then said she was turned on by horses and would have sex with a dog. Howard asked Dixie why she wouldn't have sex a black guy, and Dixie said she didn't date outside her race. Dixie confessed that she didn't know if her parents would be more upset if she came home with a black guy or a horse.

Dixie confirmed that she learned everything she knows about sex from a registered sex offender. Howard said he was more surprised to learn that Dixie has a clown fetish, and Dixie admitted she was attracted to Yucko. Dixie acknowledged that she used to date her fiancé's stepson, but denied that she was pro-slavery. In an F-Marry-Kill scenario, Dixie said she'd f’ a dog, marry a Jew, and kill a black man.

Riley Martin came in to promote his show airing on Tuesday nights at midnight on Howard101. Howard noticed Riley was missing a tooth and speculated that he must've lost it as a result of his drinking. Howard said he thought Riley only sees aliens when he's drunk, and Riley responded that whenever he's drunk, he only sees “half-a-billion-dollar Jews.” Riley then repeated his demand for more compensation and accused Robin of smoking crack in order to lose weight. To Riley's surprise, Howard admitted that Riley deserved a raise.

Howard asked Riley about his jail time, and Riley claimed he did 2 and a half years because someone sneaked onto his property and planted “a couple acres” of marijuana. Dominic Barbara called in to say that Riley was also once found with enough marijuana to get all of Newark high. Riley said he was driving to the police precinct to turn in the pot, because he'd found 611lbs of it “planted” in his truck, but he'd ran out of gas and tried to sell a little of it for gas money.

Riley said he never claimed to be the pope and declared he'd been screwed by “white people of Jewish extraction.” Wood-Yi called up to offer Riley a bucket of chicken for a handjob, but Riley asked if Wood-Yi would throw in fries as well. George wondered if Riley had ever thought of parlaying his knowledge into a job at NASA, but Riley responded that he didn't like George W. Bush, leading George (Takei) to speculate that Riley had a “victim mentality” instead of a “do-er mentality.”

Howard welcomed Riley's son, Victor Love, into the studio, and asked him if he'd seen aliens. Victor said he has not been abducted by aliens, but has seen their “ships.” Howard asked why Victor's last name was different than his father’s, and Riley answered that “name changes are sometimes necessary when you're on the run from the Feds.” Victor said he was a former military man, “book author”, and masseuse, revealing that he recently gave a massage to Andrew Dice Clay at the health club he works at in Georgia.

Howard asked Victor if a client had ever asked for a handjob, and Riley became upset, telling Howard to return to “the gutter from which you came.” Howard then brought in Eron, the co-host of Riley's show. Eron admitted that he had the hardest sidekick gig on Howard's channels, and reported that he even has to fetch beers for Riley during their show. Nino, Riley's manager, also came in to say that the sales of Riley Martin-brand “piss jars” have exceeded his expectations.

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