LET THERE BE PEACE ON EARTH
The Howard Stern Show for April 7, 2008

Howard started off the show discussing Ralph's difficult weekend: Ralph's downstairs neighbor had an insanely loud techno party that kept him up until 4:30 Sunday morning. Ralph called in to say he planned on calling the cops next time, but Artie warned him about having a conflict with your neighbors, citing the dog's head Stuttering John found in his mailbox after he hosted a particularly loud house party. Howard wondered how John resolved the problem, but Robin joked that he didn't; “He moved to LA and took a job with Jay Leno.”

Howard laughed at Artie for sweating through his t-shirt during his appearance on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show,” leading Artie to confess that the shirt was actually the second one he'd soaked through that evening. Howard said he was surprised Artie wasn't “sick” today after the long weekend in LA, but Artie laughed off the comment and changed the subject, noting that Jimmy really has a handle on Sarah Silverman: Jimmy went out with the guys while Sarah stayed at home to watch his kids.

Artie said Ryan Phillippe showed up at his show over the weekend; “But it was so nutty backstage, I never got to see [him].” After the show, Ryan invited JD out to go clubbing, and JD took him up on the offer. JD came in to tell the crew that he and Teddy met Ryan and Jesse Bradford (another actor) at Villa, and Ryan promptly introduced him to a hot chick who turned and asked Ryan, “Why are you introducing me to him?”

While they were talking about Artie's show, Artie revealed that he nearly beat up Daniel of the Bleeding Deacons because they were playing too loud and wouldn't leave the stage. Daniel called in to defend himself, but Artie disputed his side of the story, saying it was fortunate that the first comedian, Pete Dominick, did well enough to dig the audience out of a hole and kill despite the weird mood created by the Bleeding Deacons' set-ending stage destruction.

Howard said he was really confused when he learned that speed metal drummers weren't actually drum machines, so Richard came in to demonstrate. Richard sat down at a drum set that was set up in studio and showed the crew a few break-beats and double bass rolls. Everyone was blown away. A caller proposed that Howard try his hand at the growling-style of death metal singing, so Howard intoned as Richard pounded away – which Artie thought sounded more like Scott Ferrall than anything else.

Later, Richard came in to play the legendarily difficult drum solo that kicks off Van Halen's “Hot for Teacher.” Richard made it look so easy, Howard headed over to try it himself. The results were disastrous; “How are you fat, Richard? I'm about to have a heart attack.” Artie also tried his hand at a drum solo, and - despite his chaotic efforts - everyone laughed that he looked just like John “Bonzo” Bonham behind the set.

Howard compared Robin's new charity to a secretary who sells her daughter's Girl Scout cookies at work, because everyone feels obligated to donate. Gary came in to say he agreed; “I'm not gonna tell you the number, but the head of our company, Mel Karmazin, was talking with Robin in the halls and he threw out [a large amount for a prospective donation] and Robin replied, 'Is that the best you can do?'” Howard then played a clip of the abbreviated appearance Robin made on “The Mike & Juliet Show” to promote the charity.

Howard noted that he shredded Yucko the Clown's wedding invitation, as he thought it was just an attempt at gift-fishing. Ronnie came in to complain that he actually did send a gift (a $50 check), but it only led Yucko to joke that he was a cheapskate on “The Miserable Men Show.” Ronnie claimed he was going to cancel the check, and Robin showed the crew her invitation, since she planned on sending a check as well – but Howard advised her to rip it up instead.

Later, Yucko called in to insist that he wasn't gift-fishing. Gary asked Yucko if his fiancée, Nicole, really had cold feet, but Yucko didn't want to discuss it. Gary speculated that their problems might have something to do with their open relationship, as Nicole has repeatedly vocalized her desire to have an “O.R.M.” (Open Relationship Marriage). Shuli then came in to confirm Gary's account, saying Nicole has even taken to wearing pink streaks in her hair, just like Sal's wife during the “emotional friend”-era.

Nicole called in to admit that she had cold feet: “I've been asking myself if I can be with one person for the rest of my life.” Howard said he wanted Dr. Keith Ablow to talk Yucko and Nicole through their problems, but Yucko turned him down, so Howard advised the couple to wait a year before they got married. Nicole said her cold feet could just be the result of her mother's numerous marriages: “I'm just conflicted right now...I'm having that fear of commitment.”

Howard wondered if the couples' sex life had gone downhill, and Yucko confessed that they last had sex two weeks ago. Artie told Yucko not to ignore Nicole's concerns, but Yucko continued to resist. Nicole kind of sided with Yucko, saying that the clown saw how excited she was at the beginning of their engagement. Yucko also defended their sex life, saying Nicole's just “tired a lot.” Nicole's response was cryptic: “One part of me wants to be married, and one part of me doesn't.”

Dr. Keith Ablow stopped by to help some staff members through their interpersonal conflicts, and Howard kicked things off by explaining Artie's problem with High Pitch Mike. Mike then came in to say the feud started after Artie called him a f----t “over a dozen times,” but he said Dr. Ablow's expertise could be put to better use with the feuds between Jason and Scott DePace or JD and Jared, as those pairs at least have a chance at one day sitting down for a beer together.

Dr. Ablow thought Mike's heart-on-his-sleeve attitude was destined to conflict with Artie, since Artie is a mass of walls and defenses (Mike's near opposite, or relief image). Mike didn't think there was any chance of resolution if Artie wasn’t even willing to resolve his issues with those he loves, like Dana. Dr. Ablow asked Artie why he chose to feud with Mike, but Mike interrupted, saying he wanted to avoid either party being pushed to the point of “exploding.”

Robin thought it was interesting that Artie wouldn't let Mike off the hook, but Artie took issue with the characterization: “What, you think I planned this? Being crucified for being witty?” Dr. Ablow asked Mike to say something nice to Artie, so Mike said he thought Artie had a beautiful family and the show was lacking when Artie was out, as Artie's contributes some funny one-liners. In return, Artie would only say he agreed.

Robin then speculated that Mike was just repeating a pattern of conflict, as that's the only way he knows how to have a relationship with a bully, and Dr. Ablow advised Mike to continue killing Artie's hostility with kindness. Unfortunately, the pain of stroking the fat man's ego eventually wore Mike down, and his kindnesses began to carry a hint of sarcasm. As Mike's efforts began to falter, Artie cracked up the studio by shouting out: “Only compliments, douchebag!”

• Two men died in a skydiving accident.

• Charlton Heston is dead.

• Did Jay-Z and Beyonce get married?

• Eli Manning's wedding is coming up.

• People are protesting the Olympic Flame's visit to San Francisco.

• The Pope is on tour.

• Gas prices are continuing to break records.

• The Clintons are rich.

• Hillary Clinton's chief campaign strategist has resigned.

• Congestion pricing is controversial.

• Women and children have been removed from a Mormon polygamist ranch.

• “21” is still the number one movie at the box office.