The Best of the Week November 2 - 6
The Howard Stern Show for November 6, 2009

DANE COOK MASTURBATES 23HRS A DAY
Dane Cook stopped by and told the crew he was pretty pathetic before hitting it big: "I was masturbating – violently – 23 hours a day...it's been a wild ride. But I'm still masturbating violently. I still find the time." Asked about his celebrity hook-ups, Dane wouldn’t admit to banging Jessica Simpson: "[There were] little dalliances here and there...that was just kinda hanging out." And denied bedding Kate Hudson: "She had a boyfriend at the time."

Dane said the years between his 22nd and 26th birthdays were "legendary for me," as he got to bang a lot of C-list celebrities ("Like Soleil Moon Frye's assistant-level."), including Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls: "Nobody knew for about 7 or 8 months." Howard asked: "What happened there?" And Dane laughed: "What doesn't?" Dane said he liked Nicole a lot but "she was really very driven and you can't be with that for a very long time."

DANE IS SOBER & GREAT AT PHONE SEX
Howard asked Dane if his half-brother had really managed to embezzle (a reported) $11 million from him, and Dane shrugged: "It's dancing around that number...it was incredibly painful." Dan later confirmed that he he'd never done drugs – or had a sip of alcohol: "I'm real competitive with myself. If I did coke, I'd have to be the most coked guy in the room." Dane said he also traveled a lot, so he and his girlfriend, Costa Rican singer Raquel Houghton, had to keep things going with phone sex: "She's good at it. But I think I'm better."

SAL VS. ROSS ZAPIN
Inspired by a rumor about Ross Zapin making money off a Halloween party he organized a local bar, Sal came in to attack Ross' character: "He's a wheeler and dealer." Howard stoked the fire: "I heard you don't like him." Sal started slow:

"Ross is ok. He's a little pompous. He's a little arrogant. He's a little douchey." Sal questioned Ross' friendship with Howard: "I don't see how you could hang out with a guy like that. His breath smells like an f’ing sewer...it can knock you on your ass."

Sal then attacked Ross' job performance: "The guy doesn't exactly have a sparkling track record...he's not the pope around here." Howard thought Sal was going too far, but Sal continued: "Where is the Sirius promotion? Everywhere I look around, I don't see this place promoted." Ross called in to defend himself, but Sal kept at it: "You're like the Paris Hilton of the Howard Stern show." Ross replied: "I'd be more than happy to walk you through [my job]. I didn't know I had to report to you now."

SAL VS. ROSS PT. 2
Sal came in to explain his reasons for attacking Ross Zapin yesterday: "It's a personality thing...I feel that he belittles me." Howard speculated that Ross was dismissive to Sal, which Sal confirmed: "That's basically what it comes down to." Howard explained: "You think he just gets along with the people he has to get along with."

Sal repeated his complaints with Ross' allegedly-rank breath: "If my breath smells like shit, you better believe I'd want someone to tell me...bad is an understatement. It's like the scrapings of a bottom of a dumpster." Sal followed-up with a qualifier: "But I don't want to put him down." Artie countered that he had been to many events with Ross and had never smelled anything bad.

THE ZAPIN STINK
Howard wondered why everyone thought Ross Zapin has bad breath when – despite their close friendship – he'd never noticed it himself. Jason came in to explain: "Ross has horrible breath. He does...I'm not the only one who thinks this...I'm not saying this to be mean. It's just the truth. I once knew Ross was behind me without turning around." Will came in to agree: "We call it The Zapin Stink."

DR. DREW ON SEX ADDICTION
Dr. Drew stopped by to promote Vh1's “Sex Rehab” and insisted – no matter what anyone else claims – that sex addiction is a serious issue: "It can go way too far." Drew cited “Sex Rehab” participant, Amber Smith as someone with a “love addiction,” an infatuation with "the idea. The fantasy...these are all intimacy disorders." Howard asked what healthy intimacy was, so Drew explained: "To be comfortable giving and receiving love."

ROBIN WITH THE SMACKDOWN
Robin took issue with Drew's penchant for mentioning her "off the charts" narcissism test results during his last press tour: "I don't like reading about myself...I'm no 'tested 34.' That was bogus." Drew apologized, but Robin continued: "You just don't sit there and say now Robin Quivers is this, this, this and this based on some test I took home and did however I did...it's in print, Drew. You can't apologize. There's no book that the re-test will come out in. There's no way to undo what he did."

KARI ANN PENICHE KICKED OFF “SEX REHAB”
told the crew he had to kick Kari Ann Peniche (and several staffers) off “Sex Rehab” after a physical incident: "She wouldn't get out of bed. She was being abusive...I actually fired staff...they were provoked to a point where they had to go away." Drew added that Kari Ann was doing much better after the taping of the upcoming season of “Celebrity Rehab.”

DREW ON SUBUTEX & ANAL SEX
Drew said he wasn't a fan of subutex (the drug that ultimately failed to help Artie kick heroin): "It's the new methadone basically."

Or the effect of porn on young males: "They all want to have anal sex. And women don't like it! They're in pain and yet they subject themselves to this." Or of the salary Vh1 pays him for the various “Rehab” shows: "My dream is to put my kids through graduate school."

Scott the Engineer finally got a chance to tell the crew about his DJ gig in Vegas at the Pure nightclub at Caesar's Palace, saying they flew him out (but not first class) and put him up in a killer suite: "They treated me like a rock star." Howard played a few clips of Scott's lame mid-set banter: "Alright! How ya'll doing? Everybody's at Pure...we're gonna party all night long!" Scott confessed they didn't actually party all night: "It was just an hour." Robin wondered if he might play a longer set next time, but Scott shrugged: "Maybe another 5 minutes."

Howard laughed at the poster Caesar's Palace had used to promote the gig, as it included an odd-looking picture of Scott: "Who is that guy? That looks like Celine Dion's husband." Howard also sympathized with the guy who “helped” Scott “spin” records: "I'm sure DJ Hollywood was glad to have you there. It must be tons of fun to spin with you." Scott thanked the casino: "They treated me like a VIP. I told them they didn't have to." Artie laughed: "No one else does." [Later, on the Wrap Up Show, a caller speculated that the casino benefited by exposing all the gamblers to Scott’s black cloud.]

WILL'S BALLS MAY BE AN OPEN BOOK
Howard learned that the only procedure available to Will was a procedure in which his balls had to be cut open, so Will came in to explain they would search his balls for swimmers: "The way the doctor explained it to me, your testicle is like a book and they go through it page by page." Will said he was actually considering the procedure – and wasn't opposed to adopting a black child: "If they're a good athlete."

Howard offered his services: "You want me to beat off in cup? I'll do it." Will said he might actually have the costly ball-dissection procedure instead: "We haven't gotten that far yet but I would say [it'll cost me] around $20,000." Howard thought it might be cheaper to adopt a Chinese baby: "Those are the cutest."

STERN SHOW SPERM BANK
Will said he'd rather get a sperm donation from a family member than adopt: "I have a brother. I have uncles." Howard was horrified: "Don't do that. Go to a sperm bank and ask for the smartest good-looking guy...there's basic sibling rivalry...you don't want to be thinking that every time your brother comes over...you come to me before you decide anything. I mean privately."

Howard again offered a semen sample, and Will considered it: "Lemme think about that. I'll get back to you." Howard cited JD as the staffer whose semen sample he'd personally be least-likely to use: "But you know what? I would take JD over Benjy. Because Benjy is disturbing. I'm worried about him." Howard also reconsidered taking JD before a couple others: "I would take JD before Sal or Richard? Am I crazy?"

WHOSE BABY COULDN'T YOU RAISE?
Howard eventually reversed position, with one complaint: "I think JD could be kind of a cool guy. There's just no way he's gonna get rid of that personality." Artie cited Richard as the last staffer he'd ask (besides himself): "Maybe it's just because I'm a city-slicker and arrogant." Howard couldn't decide: "Richard. Or maybe Sal. That's a tough one." Fred picked Jason, citing his looks: "It's not that he's ugly. It's the overweight issue. It's the excessive hair."

Jason came in to agree with Fred, citing his hirsute physique – even stripping off his shirt to show the crew his hairy back. Fred was disgusted: "It's like a sweater." Howard noticed that Jason had a little pattern baldness on his back, so Jason explained that it had never grown back after his first back-waxing treatment. Howard then pointed to the bald spot on Jason's head: "They should take the hair off your back and put it on your head."