BETH PUSHES FOR MORE PETS
The Howard Stern Show for September 1, 2010

Howard said Benjy had crashed the set of '30 Rock' the other day and repeatedly claimed he was a part of Tracy Morgan's life--until a group of large black men restrained him. In clips taken by a HowardTV producer, Benjy banged on the door of Tracy's trailer ("Tracy, c'mon! I'm in your life still!") and continued the shtick when confronted by NBC security: "I'm in his life! Ask Tracy! I'm in his life!"

Lisa G later reported that Tracy's trailer was actually Benjy's second stop--their first one was outside the Fox Business News street-view windows, where Benjy danced in the background of a live broadcast: "I thought the Fox security guys were going to break his legs." Benjy said he was glad Lisa came along: "Lisa's like the best audience in the world. You could sneeze on the street and [she'd be] like, 'Oh my God! That's outrageous!'"

Howard asked to see Benjy's dance, so Fred cued up some music and Benjy stepped around the console to get his freak on. Howard was repulsed: "That's not a dance. Get away from me." Lisa then reported that she'd tracked down Tracy Morgan after the incident, and Tracy was disappointed he missed it: "Benjy, I love you dude! Holla at me!"

Howard said he wanted to take out a restraining order against Chris 'Mad Dog' Russo after Mad Dog nearly crushing his hand in a vise-like handshake: "What is that? What is he proving? I should have kicked him in the nuts." Howard thought it betrayed animosity: "I think on some subliminal level they're angry with you. Or jealous or something and they want to teach you a lesson." Robin thought Mad Dog should've just said "I'm stronger than you."

Howard said Gary was on a 'cleanse' for the month of September, but it didn't sound anything like one of Robin's no-chewing cleanses. Gary bristled: "I don't give an f’ what it's called, I'm just trying to lose weight." Howard told him not to glamorize his status: "You're on a diet." Gary shrugged: "I'm taking some supplemental stuff while I'm eating. So it's not really just a diet." Robin asked what the supplements were, so Gary snapped: "Vitamins and some shakes. You think I asked?"

Howard said his environmentally friendly low-flow toilet made for a messy post-sex clean-up last night: "Afterward I had to flush my rubber down the toilet...[and] it blows up like a blowfish. It's literally the size of a balloon." Howard complained that he never wanted the water-saving appliance in the first place: "Everything takes 50 flushes. It doesn't work. It's a joke...I should just shit in a bag and throw it out my window."

Beth Stern stopped by--fresh from the set of 'Fox & Friends'--and told Howard she'd gone on Fox to find a home for two dogs left behind by a soldier who was recently killed in Afghanistan. Howard thought it was horrible story: "That f’ing shitty war. I mean, this poor guy. He's gone and his dogs now have to placed somewhere." Beth said she was also trying to find homes for over 70 Papillion and Pomeranian puppies rescued from a puppy mill--and hoped to place one of the Papillions with George Takei: "I have a hold on the puppies, so I'm going to call Brad."

While she was talking about something else, Beth hinted that she'd like to adopt another pet but Howard wasn’t so sure. Beth explained: "I'm ready for another tough case...[let's have] two cats. Let's just get one more cat." Howard wasn't receptive: "What?!" Beth said Howard's impending retirement was a factor: "You'll have more time to help me with the animals that we're adopting." Howard said he had other plans: "We're going to want to do things and not want to be tied down with the animals anymore."

Eric the Midget called in to say he still hoped to be the show's red carpet correspondent: "You never gave me the opportunity to actually do it. I was not going to be a pain in the ass." Robin disagreed: "You were a pain in the ass just trying to get you to agree to it!" Eric said he'd like a chance to work the VMAs, and Howard promised to try: "Let me find out if I can get a pass and then I'll discuss it with you, ok?"

Howard was annoyed that Gary's book didn't recount his 'schvoogie buzzer' story, so Gary came in to oblige on-air. Gary said the 'schvoogie buzzer' was a button used by his old boss, a Jewish shop-owner in Hempstead, NY, when Gary was in the back: "One buzz meant 'Come out. There's like a couple black guys in the store. Or a black person in the store.' Two buzzes meant 'there is a group' and three buzzes meant 'call the police.'"

Howard played some clips from Rock-Con in which Steve Brandano angered the 'celebrity' attendees with flippant interview questions, like 'Do you feel bad selling crap to these people?' and 'Do the male groupies give good head?' Denny Laine from Wings and The Moody Blues was the first to get pissy: "Get the f’ outta here. What is your problem? You're unbelievable. You're not gonna last long in this business."

Another interviewee--an unnamed alleged producer of Jay and the Americans, responded in kind, first asking Steve his age and then quipping: "You keep calling things crap, you'll never see 29." After Steve's next question ('Which one of the Americans gave the best head?'), the guy grabbed Steve's recorder and started making threats: "You lookin’ to get your ass kicked? 'Cause I'm the guy that will."

Wendy the Retard called in to ask for the show's help finding 'Princess Jasmine'--her dog: "I lost my puppy Sunday. And I posted signs out to see if someone will help me find my puppy because I lost my puppy." Robin asked how Wendy lost her puppy so Howard laughed that he had a better question: "Who gave you a puppy?" Wendy had no answer, saying she was often too confused to find the bathroom: "Sometimes I don't know where I'm at and I run into a wall."

K.C. Armstrong called in to explain why he'd only scored a few points above Wendy's IQ of 66: "The clock was down to one minute so I just guessed on the rest of them and I think that's what hurt me." Howard had a better explanation ("Maybe you're just dumb.") but promised to put the theory to test in the next round of IQ match-ups. K.C. claimed he'd score higher than Sal: "I swear to God, I'll score above-average."

K.C. also bet $1,000 that he'd beat former Stern show intern Steve Grillo. Gary said it was a good bet, as the pair seemed to be evenly matched. Before Howard hung up, K.C. reported that he was currently in Alaska because he'd met his soulmate: "I found the one." Robin laughed: "What's his name?"

After Steve Brandano told the crew that Jason Kaplan thought that 12 year old, Bindi Irwin was 'hot,' Howard said he liked to play 'a fun little game' when observing child stars: "Try and guess if they're going to grow up hot or gay." Howard said he'd always known Alyssa Milano was a lock for 'hot.' Same with the Olsen Twins: "The one I like is Ashley Olsen. I have a preference."

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