The Best of the Week February 1 -5
The Howard Stern Show for February 5, 2010

SAL ON RELATIONSHIPS
After beating Benjy’s girlfriend at Win Sal’s Money (by one point) Sal went on the Wrap Up Show to clarify a point he had made towards the end of the Win Sal’s Money segment. According to Sal, some married women don’t care if their husbands sleep with other women because it keeps the husband from bothering them. Sal went on to add that this also made for a convenient way for these women to divorce their husbands and take all their money. Classic Sal.

SAM ZIEN IS A HERO
Howard played a clip of Sam 'The Cooking Guy' Zien telling Kathie Lee Gifford to stop talking over him during a cooking segment on 'The Today Show' – and Kathie Lee's don't-talk-to-us-like-that retort: "She's got to gobble up the world, that hungry...Oh she's so hungry. Her hunger irritates me. Her hunger irritates me!" Howard thought Sam should've gone further: "He should've stuffed that food right in her mouth...he should've stuck his f’ing fork in her tongue."

Howard was particularly incensed with Kathie Lee's power play ("Can't anyone stand up to Kathie Lee? She's the devil! She's the devil!") and her incessant chatter: "Kathie Lee's a child. An attention sucking child." Howard later joked: "It's like having Scott Greenstein's in the room with you."

SAM 'THE COOKING GUY' IS A HERO
Howard got Sam 'The Cooking Guy' Zien on the line to celebrate the clip he played yesterday in which Sam told 'Today' show host Kathie Lee Gifford to stop talking over him. Sam shrugged it off: "I feel like, you know, they brought me up to do a job – like you were saying yesterday – and all of a sudden I had to cut through it somehow."

Sam said he was a little miffed when he was asked back to the 'Today' show a couple weeks later for a intervention segment with an 'etiquette expert': "I don't think I did anything wrong. I don't think I had anything to apologize for." Sam laughed that the second segment actually proved his point, as Kathie Lee and her co-host kept talking over the 'etiquette expert' as well. Sam added that he still appears on the 'Today' show, but: "When I'm on now, I'm not on with them."

MEET BENJY'S GIRLFRIEND
Howard welcomed Sarah, a former World's Strongest Naked Woman contestant and Benjy's current girlfriend, to the studio and asked Benjy to characterize their relationship. Benjy balked: "I definitely think she's wonderful." Howard wondered if Sarah had a good time as Benjy's date at the staff Holiday party, and she said she did, adding that she might have--as many revelers reported--grabbed Benjy's cock at the party: "I don't think so but sometimes I do it by habit."

Sarah said Benjy connected with her on Facebook and then came over to visit--but wouldn't leave: "He's persistent. I just wanted--he wouldn't leave my house!" Sarah said Benjy ended up staying the whole weekend: "He just asks a lot of questions. He made me feel really special...he came in my house and started looking at everything I had...he said, 'I wanna know everything about you.'" She blamed his weekend-long stay on his ability to distract her: "He gets you to forget what you're doing half the time."

BENJY IN THE BEDROOM
Sarah praised Benjy's "imagination" in the bedroom: "He just does it. It's so convincing." Howard wanted to know more, so Sarah explained: "Well, he always turns the lights off...he treats me like a pet." Sarah went on: "He just starts touching me and talking to me...he says, 'You're all mine.'" Howard wondered if Sarah was in love with Benjy, so she looked at Benjy and asked: "I think that's what it is, right?"

Benjy wouldn't say 'love,' only admitting that they were 'exclusive' right now: "And I hope it stays that way." Sarah bristled: "He's a control freak. That's the annoying part about him...he made me sign a contract that said I was not allowed to have emotional feelings. Only fun." Benjy claimed the contract was a joke--and finally told Sarah he loved her.
BENJY BEATS ANTONIO
Sarah admitted she was prone to Benjy's oddly-hypnotic suggestions: "How does he get me naked? He tells me I'm not allowed to wear clothes in his bed...he wears a t-shirt." Howard asked if Benjy wore his trademark hat when they have sex, and she laughed: "Sometimes. I like it sometimes."

Sarah added that she was really happy with Benjy, as he more than satisfied her in the bedroom: "He has a big thing...it's always hard." Sarah also revealed that, after “My Antonio” (on which she was a contestant) finished taping, she did hook-up with Antonio and, when pressed by Robin, admitted that Benjy was a better lover.

WIN SAL'S MONEY
Howard then had Sal sit in an isolation booth (with Will watching him to prevent Sal from cheating) and asked Sarah a series of 7 trivia questions, promising her $5,000 if she could answer more of them correctly than Sal could. If she couldn't, she'd have to take her clothes off for the crew. The questions, followed by Sarah's answers--and then Sal's.

Who's credited with inventing the airplane? Sarah: "Wright brothers." Sal knew it as well: "Wright brothers."

What US President promised the New Deal? Sarah: "Barack Obama." Sal blew it with the same answer: "Obama."

Which two countries faced off in the Cold War? Sarah passed, later answering: "Berlin--Germany." Sal didn't do any better: "London and Iceland...I was just thinking of cold places."

Who was Margaret Thatcher? Sarah passed, later guessing: "A cook?" Sal knew: "Prime Minister of England."

Who's the famed ex-leader of Cuba? Sarah passed, later saying the answer was on the tip of her tongue: "He's a really mean guy." Sal knew: "Fidel Castro."

Who is Kim Jong-Il? Sarah passed--and later ran out of time before she could register a guess. Sal had it half-right: "Korea."

How many syllables are in the word 'encyclopedia'? Both correctly counted out the 6 syllables on their fingers.

In the end, Sarah had 2 right answers and Sal had 4 or 5, depending on your generosity. Sarah then honored the agreement and disrobed as Sal drooled, burning holes in Sarah's body parts with his stares. Howard asked Sal if he'd like to bang Sarah, so Sal laughed that he’d love to bang any woman...even Jason Kaplan.

Pete the Asian Virgin (who we originally met during the World’s Saddest Virgin contest) stopped by to tell the crew he was no longer a virgin: "No more!" Pete said he was 24 now and knew what a pussy was: "Pussy is a – girl has it." Howard drew a picture of a girl and demanded that Pete point to where the pussy would be, and Pete surprised everyone by being able to point it out correctly. Pete said he learned from his new "hot" girlfriend: "I know her for a while."

Howard remained skeptical, asking Pete to describe sex. Pete struggled: "Pussy and dick. You put the dick in pussy." Pete said losing his virginity – he first came when they were just naked and kissing – and then they hit the bed: "I just pushed." Pete went on to say they banged for 2 hours – without protection – in no less than 5 positions. Howard asked what they were, so Pete explained they'd done missionary, then doggie-style, then missionary, then doggie and then back to missionary: "Five positions."

GET READY FOR A “SPECIAL BACHELOR”
While Pete was in the studio, Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard who claimed she was getting hot listening to Pete. In fact, Wendy said “yes” to every question Howard asked her. Wendy said she liked to eat pizza and go bowling – and stated that she could eat 5 pizzas in one sitting. She also noted that she goes to the bathroom 4-5 times a day and doesn’t always make it to the toilet. Despite all this, Pete said he’d like to take Wendy out on a date, prompting Howard to announce that he was going to put together a new show: “Retarded Bachelor.”

Howard asked JD how his burgeoning relationship with Ashley Dupre was going, so JD came in to report: "We were texting last night, actually." JD claimed they'd made tentative plans: "She said maybe later in the week." While JD was in studio Howard thanked him for consenting--along with Ashley--to allow them to play a voicemail he left on her phone.

Howard then played JD's message in full: "Hello Miss Ashley. This is JD uh from the Howard Stern show. Um we've had uh uh hot chocolate at Cafeteria a couple weeks ago. Oh. Someone texted me. Uh anyways I was just seeing how you're uh--I was actually--uh uh this is gonna be the worst voicemail ever. Um. This why I never leave 'em. Uh I hope your flight back home was OK. Uh I was just seeing how your trip went. And I was gonna see if you wanna go see a movie or hangout or do something uh later this week, this weekend--whenever. Um of course unless Mark Sanchez calls in, I totally understand. So anyways uh get home safe. Call me, text me or whatever. Bye."

JD GETS A DO-OVER
Howard thought JD's message was so bad he might as have just said "Hello, Miss Ashley uh er you should never f’ me." Howard had JD practice a new message--and then called Ashley's voicemail. JD did better in practice than his actual message, but it was still an improvement: "Hey, this is JD. Uh I really regret giving you permission to uh give 'em the voicemail I left you on the air. They kinda busted my balls a lot about it and uh, yeah, so uh I was thinking about you and uh gimme a call. Bye." Howard and Robin agreed his second message was better.

Ralph called in to make fun of some the mistakes Gary had made during his 'Techno Beaver' segment on the 'Geraldo' show, and Howard joined in, quizzing Gary on some simple tech trivia. When Gary didn’t know what 'QWERTY' stood for, Ralph laughed that it was the type of keyboard on Gary's Blackberry – something he looks at every day. Gary shot back: "Nobody wants you to do anything every day. You're an f’ing flea."