FOR THE LOVE OF BRANDI
The Howard Stern Show for September 30, 2005

Howard began the show by saying that he is officially sleep-deprived thanks to his excitement about everything he has going on. Howard mentioned that he got up at 2:30 this morning because he was so jacked up, and ended up listening to some of the tapes Bubba the Love Sponge had sent him for his new show on SIRIUS. Sure enough, as Howard was going over the tapes, Bubba e-mailed him telling him he couldn’t sleep either because he was so excited as well.

Howard commented that, although he and Bubba both hate Clear Channel, Bubba at least got paid the money he was owed from the company after he got fired. Howard brought up that Clear Channel just canned Danny Bonaduce, and he is now going through arbitration to try to get Clear Channel to honor its contract with him. Howard pointed out that when Clear Channel fired him, he didn’t want to go through the aggravation of taking the company to court to get his money. Robin noted that Clear Channel probably gets out of its deals by claiming people like Howard and Danny breached their contracts, which Howard acknowledged was the case. Artie pointed out that Clear Channel’s scheme is to breach their contracts and then hope people don’t take legal action because of the money and time it would take to do so.

Howard also read a quote from “Billboard Radio Monitor,” in which Clear Channel CEO, John Hogan announced that the heads of the company were glad they got rid of Howard on “their own terms.” Howard pointed out that Clear Channel loved him and wanted to keep him because of the money he was making, but that execs ended up caving in to FCC threats. Howard mentioned that, despite his crazy schedule, he might try to get a job with the “Billboard” so he could actually ask follow-up questions when people distort the truth in such obvious ways.

Howard said that he was recently sent a black, four gigabyte Apple iPod Nano, which is making his job of mulling through SIRIUS audition tapes much easier. Howard commented that he has already loaded all the material people have sent him into the Nano and that now he doesn’t have to lug around all the tapes and CDs. Robin pointed out that she has been seeing people who all have the same headphones on and that it wasn’t until recently that she realized they’re all listening to iPods. Howard mentioned that the Nano is so small that he won’t even use his old iPod again because he thinks it is too big. When Howard showed off his new gadget, Artie commented that there was no way an iPod could possibly be any tinier. However, Robin informed him that she has read companies are developing technology that would allow chips that play music to be inserted into clothing, so he may not have seen anything yet.

As he predicted yesterday, Howard brought up that when he got home yesterday he couldn’t help but listen to his new channels, even though there was nothing on the air. Robin admitted that she did the same thing this morning, while Gary said he has already added Douche 100 and 101 to his presets. Howard then mentioned that someone from the Stern Fan Network wrote that he listened to the dead air on Howard 100 while he drove home in his car yesterday and just thought about all the possibilities that existed for the channel. Howard noted that his move to SIRIUS is beyond anything he could have ever imagined. He added that one of the reasons he is taking the switch so seriously is because he knows what it means to his fans and he doesn’t want to disappoint them.

Howard announced that after his meeting yesterday with the new program director of the farters, Nuno, they have most of their lineup filled. He reported that if everything goes as planned, the farters will make their debut next Thursday. Howard mentioned that Will the Farter is scheduled to kick off the channel at 6 a.m., but he might have to postpone the start time until 6:30 a.m. Howard explained that he wanted to listen to the launch of his new channel, but there was a chance Tom Chiusano might not let him listen to it on the air. If Tom decided not to let him, Howard said he would take a commercial at 6:30 a.m. and tune into SIRIUS during the break.

In the meantime, Howard mentioned that he wanted the Douche 100’s current scroll, which now reads “We’re building toward Howard’s arrival in January,” changed. After giving it some thought, Howard decided that putting his penis-size measurements on the scroll might be the best way to go. He also said he was thinking about selling the scroll space to an advertiser and then donating the money to Katrina victims.

Tom came into the studio to warn Howard that he was discussing SIRIUS this morning a little too much for his taste. Howard swore he wasn’t doing it out of maliciousness, but since satellite has been the main thing on his mind, he couldn’t help but talk about it. Since he had Tom in the studio, Howard wondered if he could ask him a question. Tom responded that he could, but that the answer was “no.” Howard told Tom that he didn’t even know what his question was going to be, but Tom claimed he did. Howard then told Tom that his question was actually to find out if he could have sex with his wife. Tom told Howard that although he wouldn’t approve of such an act, his wife would have to make that choice for herself.

As an apology for talking about SIRIUS too much, Howard informed Tom that he was going to put “Listen to KROCK” on his Douche 100 scroll. In addition, Howard said he would put “Tom is God” on the screen too. When Gary pointed out that Howard shouldn’t joke around about God in front of Tom, Howard noted he’d instead put “Tom loves God” and “Tom doesn’t pleasure himself” on the screen instead. Howard also promised Tom he’d arrange for “Tom is eight inches,” “Tom and Dead Air Dave are great guys,” “Tom is hung like a black man,” “Tom could’ve dated Olivia Newton-John but he was faithful to his wife,” and “Tom has beefy meat” to run on the scroll as well.

Despite Howard’s kind gesture, Tom informed him that none of that was necessary. Gary remarked that Tom didn’t like the idea of 1 million people seeing those lines on their satellite screens, yet he never has a problem with Howard saying such things to 18 million listeners every morning. However, Tom responded that sometimes he doesn’t particularly care for what Howard says about him on the air either.

After Tom again shot down Howard’s real question, which was to see if he would allow Howard to play on the air the first minute of the farting on SIRIUS, Artie suggested Douche 100’s scroll should be changed to “Tom cuts commissions.” Running with this idea that Tom is obsessed with money, Howard pointed out that Tom could sell advertising right before and after the minute of farting, a solution that would seemingly make both sides happy. Tom admitted that he was enticed with that idea, but added that he’d first have to look into the potential legal ramifications of such a simulcast before making a decision. Howard insisted to Tom that if he goes through with the proposal, the sales members who get the advertising must receive their regular commission rate.

Tom told Howard that although some modifications are going to be made to his studio once he moves, nothing drastic will be done to it. Howard pointed out that throughout his career he has struggled to get what he deserves, so he wasn’t sure his replacement should just come in and inherit his big studio. Howard then announced that because they have so much stuff to go through, they’re going to start packing up the studio on the air next week. Howard informed Tom that he was planning on selling both the couch and the control board, but Tom insisted they weren’t his property. Howard admitted that he made those threats just to get Tom going, but added that the couch does belong to E!, and that they’ve agreed to give it to him. Gary asked Howard if there was any chance Tom would join them at satellite. Howard responded that, although no plans have been made, it is still a possibility. He added that the thought of not being able to make fun of Tom on the air anymore was a real downer.

Gary gave Howard a coffee table book, “Pamela Anderson: American Icon,” which features naked pictures of the star herself. Howard commented that he couldn’t believe Pam had two kids given how good she looked in the book. Artie pointed out that he could tell the photographs were taken recently, because Pam looked older in them. He added that, not only were the shots of Pam amazing, but they were tastefully done as well.

Howard noted that the one problem he had with the book was that, due to its content, most people couldn’t actually leave it on their coffee table. Richard Christy came into the studio and asked if he’d be able to pleasure himself to such a classy book. Howard assured him that even though the book wasn’t a porno magazine, it could still do the trick. Although Howard mentioned the book is bigger than Richard’s apartment, he told him he could have it if he wanted it. Richard accepted Howard’s gift and told him he couldn’t wait to get some alone time with the book. Richard added he might have to get a new music stand because the thing looked too heavy to hold with one hand.

Richard revealed that besides the hot pictures, the book was also good as a motivational tool. He explained that the only way he will ever be able to get a girl like Pam is if he becomes rich. Given this, Richard said looking at her photographs drives him to work harder so he can do just that. However, Howard broke the news to Richard that the only way he’d ever get enough money to impress someone like Pam would be if he kidnapped Donald Trump.

Howard admitted that it will be bittersweet when they go through the studio and decide to what to take and what to leave. He added that most of the show’s song parodies, as well as Fred’s tapes, won’t be going with them due to contractual agreements. Howard explained that, when he negotiated his last deal, he didn’t have much bargaining power because of all the heat Infinity was feeling from the FCC. Given this, Howard had to concede some things, and two of those things were the tapes and song parodies. Despite this, Howard pointed out that he still owns the rights to his E! shows. He also assured everyone that he will build an even stronger library of material once he gets to SIRIUS.

Howard had Brandi Love in again this morning. Brandi is a porn star who has also started parentsinadult.com, a Web site designed to help people in the adult film business retain custody of their kids. Brandi explained that after her last appearance on the show, her parents contacted Child Protection Services in an attempt to get Brandi’s 5-year-old daughter removed from her house. Although Howard suggested that might’ve been a good outcome for Brandi because it would’ve allowed her to have some fun without her kid nagging her, Brandi insisted that wouldn’t have been the case. She added that, like other people, porn stars love their children, yet they’re the only ones who are often threatened to have their custody rights taken away because of their profession.

Howard commented that he hated when porn stars come into the studio and act as if they’re businesspeople – like Brandi was doing this morning. He then instructed Brandi to continue talking about her serious issue while also sucking on a banana. Because she was having difficulty speaking with the fruit in her mouth, Brandi compromised with Howard by agreeing to take off her top during the interview. Howard then told Brandi he got much more interested in her cause after she started acting like a porn star during her rant.

Gary brought up that, while Sal was looking at Brandi’s porn Web site yesterday, he had to go to the bathroom of a nearby restaurant to take “care of business”. Sal came in and reported that he couldn’t help himself because the video he saw of Brandi was the hottest clip he’d ever viewed. Gary pointed out that since Tom threatened to fire Sal if he ever caught him pleasuring himself in one of the building’s bathrooms, Sal now claims he uses other facilities to do the deed. Despite Gary’s disbelief that he actually made it to the restaurant, Sal swore that he did. Howard commented that regardless of where he did it, the fact that Sal couldn’t wait until he got home to masturbate was vile.

To find out where everyone stood on the matter, Howard took a vote to see if Brandi should be able to keep her daughter. Robin noted that the weirdest parents tend to be the ones who purport to lead squeaky clean lives, so she gave her stamp of approval to Brandi. Fred agreed with Robin’s logic, as did Howard and Artie. However, since Sal didn’t think porn stars provide healthy environments for their children, he voted no.

Howard again played the tape of former secretary of education and morality guru, Bill Bennett, suggesting on his radio show that aborting all black fetuses, while morally reprehensible, would lower the crime rate in this country. Howard then read an explanation that Bill gave for his remarks, but it infuriated Howard even more. Howard noted that since he has been chastised during the years for some of the things he has said, he hopes Bill gets what should be coming to him.

Gary reported that Bill, like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, is another conservative talk show host who sells tons of merchandise on this Web site. Besides t-shirts and mugs, Bill also sells a line of books he has written on morality, even though he lost millions of dollars recently playing slot machines…a lot. Gary also noted that the books differ in price, depending on whether Bill has signed them or not. Howard said conservative radio hosts should just start selling their own feces through their sites, seeing as they’re already offering so much crap.

Howard brought up that he is taking his 12-year-old daughter to see Paul McCartney tonight, and that he hopes Paul sticks to the hits. However, Gary informed Howard that Paul is promoting his new album, “Chaos and Creation in the Backyard,” so there was a good chance he’d have to endure some unfamiliar material. Howard responded that musicians of Paul’s stature should just play concerts of nothing but well-known songs, and then announce that anyone who wants to stick around for the new songs is more than welcome to do so. Howard then read a set list from one of Paul’s recent shows, and he admitted that it sounded pretty good. Howard added that because his seats are so close to the stage, he’d be able to let Paul know if he wasn’t happy with how the show was going.

Comedian, Greg Giraldo, stopped by the studio to talk about what he has been up to. Howard told Greg that he saw a tape of him performing at the Pam Anderson roast last month, but that he didn’t remember much of it. Greg admitted that most of his routine was censored, so it didn’t surprise him that not a lot of his act stood out. Greg went on to say that he really blasted Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla at the ceremony, as well as Andy Dick. Greg reported that although Andy claims to be straight, he showed up at the roast with a “young, good-looking guy,” which he didn’t exactly think bolstered Andy’s argument. Greg also mentioned that his child just started school and he figures that close to 50 percent of the parents who have kids in the same class are gay. Robin pointed out that so many people are gay nowadays that you’re just not with the times if you don’t have any homosexual friends.

Greg revealed that he stopped drinking in May, but admitted that it has been hard. Gary reported that, although it wasn’t a full-blown intervention, he heard some of Greg’s friends actually confronted him about his problem. Greg acknowledged that he was drinking excessively, and that he decided to straighten up his life for this wife and child. He added that when he was on the road and drinking, he’d consider it a major accomplishment if he got to his gig on time and performed for 45 minutes. However, Greg noted that upon further reflection, he realized that being sober enough to function for less than an hour a day wasn’t really something he should’ve been proud of.

Greg reported that during the past five months he has only had one slip up with his drinking, and added that he is taking it one day at a time. Artie commented that since he hopped off the wagon two weeks ago, he has only consumed a few drinks. In fact, Artie pointed out that he has a gig tomorrow night, but thinks he’ll be able to once again avoid getting drunk. Greg mentioned that he sometimes goes to support meetings for his drinking, and that he loves the way people rationalize their behavior. He went on to say that recently a guy at one of the meetings informed the group that he wasn’t drinking anymore, but that he was now using cocaine.

Mike Walker of “The National Enquirer” came in for his weekly installment of The Gossip Game. According to the rules, Mike reports on four Hollywood stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then has to guess which tale is made up. Before he got to the game, Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to a gay sex chat line that featured clips of Mike’s voice. Mike commented that the tape sounded so authentic that he hoped it didn’t get into the wrong hands. The following were the stories Mike read:

(1) Bill Maher fell asleep while riding in a limo and the driver was too scared of him to wake him up to find out where he lived. After cruising around for a while, the driver got a “Map of the Stars” and finally located Bill’s home.
(2) Renee Zellweger was seen getting onto Kenny Chesney’s tour bus with several suitcases full of clothes before the couple split. Shortly after she arrived, Kenny had her suitcases shipped home, which was when the relationship ended.
(3) Craig Ferguson and Sharon Stone have been dating, although both are trying to keep it very quiet.
(4) Paris Hilton is so mad at her “Simple Life” costar Nicole Richie that she refuses to talk to her, and has even blown off two meetings because of the feud. Because of this behavior, Fox has threatened to take legal action against Paris if she doesn’t start acting more reasonably.

Greg noted that it must be a hot week in gossip if one of Mike’s stories was about Bill Maher falling asleep in a limo, but he thought Story Two was the fake one. Artie pointed out that while Mike insists he is straight, he used the phrase “Kenny went coo-coo while sporting a macho ‘tude” when describing the second story. Artie went on to say that he doubted any “Map of the Stars” would include Bill’s house, so he thought Story One was made up. Howard, Robin and Fred all agreed with Artie. Mike revealed the crew was right, Story 1 was false. Howard announced that everyone was a winner except for Greg, who not only lost at the game, but who also couldn’t even drink anymore.