PORN STARS FOR BEET
The Howard Stern Show for October 28, 2009

Howard started off the show noting that he and Robin were at a surprise party for a friend last night – and he stayed until 8pm. Robin laughed: "That was 25 minutes longer than I thought you'd stay." Howard said he left partly because everyone was yelling at each other over the loud music: "And then I had trouble falling asleep." Robin couldn't understand why: "Your beautiful wife was there." Howard explained: "We had ‘words.’ Nothing bad, you know, it just gets me unsettled...it won't make a difference. Same shit."

Howard said he took his parents out to dinner before the party. At the restaurant, his father told Beth about his meal routine – a routine Ben later called in to explain: "I have three breakfasts I eat every morning in sequence...if I have a cold cereal, the next time I have a hot cereal." Howard asked what Ben ate when he was away from home, so Ben detailed: "I have an inventory of sardines...I throw them in between two pieces of bread and that's my lunch."

Ben revealed that he and Ray also have a dinner routine: on Mondays, they go to an Italian restaurant. Tuesdays they go to KFC, where Ben orders corn on the cob, cole slaw and grilled chicken: "It's good...it's not dried out and I enjoy eating it." Wednesdays they go to a Greek place and, on Thursdays, a diner. Asked why he never switched things up and maybe go to the Italian place on Thursday, Ben bristled: "There's no reason to change the schedule."

Artie told the crew about his bizarre experience on last night's Jimmy Fallon show – first they asked him to stick around after his interview to sit in during Olivia Munn’s interview and for a segment with famed Momofuku chef David Chang, who cooked on the show. To end the show, Olivia wanted to play ping-pong against him and Jimmy – and then brought a “special partner,” Susan Sarandon, who owns a ping-pong bar named Spin in downtown NYC.

Artie laughed: "My competitive nature kicked in. I'll tell ya what happened. I started getting f’ing mad! It's me and Jimmy against these two broads and now I wanna win." Howard said, "I understand. Absolutely." Artie served to Susan: "I said 'scumbag serving Oscar-winner'...and Susan started trashing me. She said, 'Are you high? I said, 'First of all, yes, and I can't believe you're here.' She said, 'Neither can I.'" Artie and Jimmy eventually lost, mainly because they made Jimmy play with a tiny ping pong paddle: "But it was very nice...she looked fantastic. She's so sexy. All I could think about was the movie 'Atlantic City' when she's rubbing lemons on her tits."

Eric the Midget called in to say he was “po'd' at Robin for something she said (months ago) about him not being healthy enough for wild nights at the Bunny Ranch. Eric said Bunny Ranch manager Rich had then used Robin's theory to turn down Eric's requests to come visit. Robin didn't think she was at fault, speculating that Rich was just searching for an excuse: "He doesn't want to lie to you outright."

Rich called in to say Eric had been calling constantly with requests to return to the Bunny Ranch. However, Rich explained he wasn't really receptive to Eric’s requests after his last visit to Eric's home – where Eric turned him away at the door: "He totally blew me off and didn't even want me in his driveway, etc...so I would like to extend an offer to Medicated Pete." Eric claimed Rich was an element he didn't want in his home: "I didn't know how my parents would react to someone like that." Rich scoffed: "Someone like that? What am I, a leper?"

Medicated Pete came in to accept Rich's offer and the crew immediately took note of his "new look," which Pete explained was just "some Redken stuff" in his hair: "I actually do this from time to time." Howard asked if Pete was beating off a lot since his recent visit to Rick's Cabaret, and Pete confirmed it: "Quite frankly, I am. And quite frequently."

The crew wondered if Pete should be kept away from Rick's, but Howard didn't think he could deny Pete the lapdances: "He's gotta go to Rick's. He loves it." Howard laughingly referenced the freakishly-high number of times the lapdances got Pete to come in his pants: "But I'm putting you on a 3 load limit. After you blow 3 loads, you're out."

Hulk Hogan stopped by to promote his new book, “My Life Outside the Ring,” and Howard immediately asked about Hulk's ex-wife's claim that he was gay for Bubba the Love Sponge. Hulk laughed: "She thought me and Bubba were doing the butt deal." Hulk said his divorce proceedings were finishing up, but he's still embroiled in the legal process surrounding his son's car accident: "I'm right in the middle of the civil case now."

Howard was confused how Hulk could be liable for something his son had done, so Dominick Barbara called in to say Hulk wasn't necessarily libel for what his son did, but could be found at fault since he owned the car his son was driving.

Hogan said he was disappointed to see his marriage fall apart: "I was a big mark. I thought it was forever." Howard asked if he still loved his ex-wife, and Hulk quickly admitted that he really did: "Yeah. I still love her." Hulk said the marriage crumbled due to distance: "Linda was gone. Like, a lot...[sex] was few and far between...she'd been threatening me with divorce for more than 10 years off and on."

When he finally learned it was over, he sat in his favorite bathroom chair and fell apart: "I just sat there forever and I started playing with that gun...and the drunker I got and the more pilled I got I started going into a trance." While he was sitting there, Laila Ali called and invited him to come visit her church the next time he was in LA: "It woke me up."

Hulk said he'd always had a strong spiritual side: "The last couple years of my marriage I started praying to be happy." Thanks to Laila, he finally realized he needed to take a more active role in his spirituality. Howard asked if Hulk planned to marry Jennifer, his new girlfriend, and Hulk thought it over ("That'd probably be a good thing.") but said he's gonna take it slow. Howard then introduced Hulk to Brian, Ronnie the Limo Driver’s 9-year-old grandson. Hulk told Brian that if he stayed in school and ate his vitamins he could be anything he wants.

Beetlejuice came in wearing a “Spawn” costume and Robin told him he looked like he'd gained a little weight. Beet nodded: "I gained weight, like, 230 pounds." Asked if the weight gain was due to the pressures of his new HowardTV reality show, Beet again agreed: "Oh it was pretty hard." Howard wondered where Beet came up with idea for the show, so Beet snapped: "I got brains, man."

The crew asked after Beet's recent turn toward an anti-semitic perspective, which Beet explained: "I hate Jewish...I learned that sometime when I was little kid. I learned that like 10 years ago. School of life, man." Howard wondered how Beet recognized Jews, and Beet claimed to have a kind of internal Jew-dar: "I don't know but they are Jews. I can't tell but they are Jewish."

Howard asked if Beet had ever landed a plane (Beet: "A few years back, yeah.") and could help talk a distressed pilot through a landing. As Fred played a distressed pilot, Beet guided him down: "Before you land make sure to stay straight, though. Then, like, you gotta like stay straight...Slow down a little. Just a little – you almost got it – stay up, buddy." The “plane” crashed...and Beet laughed.

A garbage can then began moving near Beet's feet, but Beet was non-plussed until his friend, Dominic the Dwarf, popped out: "I know you said it was garbage!" Dominick jokingly referenced Beet's tendency to blame his accidents on others: "This is the only way they could keep me from shitting in Beetle's pants."

Porn stars Priya Rai and Mariah Milano stopped by to play the Beetlejuice Mismatch Game. Priya told the crew she could see ghosts: "I do see things. It's usually when I'm sober. I try to stay f’ed up most of the time so I don't see it." Artie thought Priya was “f’ed up” right then: "I can tell she's high." Priya denied it at first but eventually fessed up: "I had a couple drinks."

Howard had the girls strip down to play the game, which got Beet very excited: "I'm gonna hit that tonight...Oh, I'd bang it all up." The girls proved loud and difficult to control, so Howard gave up on the game early, turning to Robin: "I give up on the game. You know this is gonna be impossible."

A Philadelphia woman was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets.

Fetishes are pretty common.

Andre Agassi was a meth head.

Ford cars got top reliability scores on recent tests.

Michael Jackson's first posthumous album is expected to debut at #1.

Some guy paid over $1 million for a Sarah Palin-autographed Xbox.